by Oakes, Tara
Any normal person walking in on this would salivate and jump on the delicousness being prepared in front of me. My stomach does churn, though… just not in the way you’d think.
~*~
THEN
Dad slowly took the seat next to me.
“They’re at it again, huh?” he asked.
I turned to him, raised my eyebrows and nodded slowly, confirming. He exhaled deeply and we sat in mutual disappointment.
“Hey, hon?” he asked loudly, making sure his voice carried into the busy kitchen on the other side of the dining table. “Not sure if there’s a whole lot of time for you to be doing this right now. You and Charlie should be leaving soon.”
A loud crash rang out as a heavy bowl was dropped into the sink. “There’s plenty of time. I’ve got to get these peanut bars made for Dana’s recital tomorrow.”
Her words had hit hard. Of course she had to make peanut bars for Dana’s show tomorrow. That was a very important occasion, right? Much, much more important than shopping for a prom dress like we had planned to do that afternoon.
Dad clenched his jaw and dropped his head in disappointment when mom let out, “I’ll be done in an hour or so. Maybe two, if I can get the coconut cookies started.”
It was a Sunday. About three weeks before the senior dance that would mark a milestone in my life, and I still hadn’t found a dress. Every gown I had picked out with my friends had been vetoed by my over-conservative mother on the grounds that it was either too slutty (she did actually use that word), the “wrong” color for my skin tone, or made my size 6 hips look “wide”.
Nothing I had picked on my own was good enough to meet her approval, and I had been forced to return each dress purchased. Mom had promised that we’d be able to shop and find a dress in time, even though the longer we waited, the limited supply of prom dresses in our town dwindled.
Mom had bought some poofy, pink satin and lace Disney-princess styled dress from her favorite department store months ago for me, convinced it was the perfect prom dress. The cotton-candy colored mess had left me speechless and pissed. I had refused to wear it, and I had suspected that mom’s lackadaisical attitude toward shopping for another one was some passive-aggressive tactic of hers to force me to submit and agree to wear the dress she had chosen without me.
I bit my lip and tapped relentlessly on the shiny dining room table, frustrated that my mom was putting this off once again.
Dad sat back against the rigid back of the heavy wooden chair, disheartened. He looked at me.
“Grab your things. Let’s go.”
His words confused me. “Go where?” I voiced.
He took a deep breath. “Shopping. I’m taking you shopping and we’re going to find you a prom dress.”
It took only a few moments for me to gather my little baby-doll backpack and the wallet that housed my new driver’s license just in case dad would be gracious enough to let me do the driving.
Mom and Dana were too busy with their pans and ingredients, laughing up a storm while bonding over some traditional feminine dessert-making pastime to even notice that dad and I had jumped ship to hit the mall.
The last thing I remembered as I closed the front door behind me was the wafting smell of their culinary treats that I swore I would never eat again.
~*~
NOW
The front door is knocked upon again. I know Dana hears it. She knows I hear it. We’re having a battle of wills to see who will answer it.
She invited them… I think she should be the one to let them in. If it were up to me, I’d shut the lights off, and hide in the bedroom until they came to the conclusion that no one was home and left.
With the next knock, Dana finally gives up on me and turns into the instant hostess that mom would be proud to call her own. There is a masked awkwardness to the voices I hear. How could there not be? This situation is fucked up in more ways than one.
The first official visit to the bastard daughter of the man they all hold in such high regard. A man they refuse to believe could do the things I’ve been told he had.
The fact that I’d infiltrated them under false pretenses and tricked them all into the relationships we’d formed seems to not matter anymore… not since I’d saved that very same man from being taken from them.
“Hi, Dana,” a familiar voice greets my sister as she welcomes them. This voice is perhaps the most surprising of all that could cross my threshold today. “Thanks so much for arranging this.”
Jean’s words are full of sincerity.
Curiosity gets the best of me and I stand to face the wife of the man I had come here to seek retribution against only to save his life months later. Her casually-tight jeans and black top with perfectly blown-out hair and makeup are her signature style, and more than a stark contrast to my own mother’s usual dress although they are close in age.
“Hiya, darlin’ ” she reaches for me and carefully hugs me close. I submit, but don’t exactly return the embrace. This doesn’t seem to bother her much as she holds me close.
Her hands are careful to avoid my back and she’s more than considerate with the amount of pressure as she squeezes me one last time before releasing me.
“How ya feeling, Charlie?” she asks.
I force a smile. Thankfully I don’t have any time to answer this loaded question, as Lil’s is next to take hold of me.
“She’s fine,” Lil’s answers for me. “She’s a tough cookie. It’s in her blood. She looks like shit right now, but… she’ll be fine.”
Leave it to Lil’s to put it bluntly.
Once my de facto best friend/sister-in-law is through with me the room falls silent. All eyes switch back and forth between me and the man before me.
My brother.
We stare at each other. His eyes are hard to read, just as I’ve been told over the years about my own eyes.
I see his shoulder twitch as his body begins some sort of forward momentum and then stops short. I feel my own body beg to move in some way but fight against it to hold still.
I can see Jean and Lil’s step back out of my periphery. Jay looks like his dad here, tall and broad like Vince. But the eyes… the eyes aren’t hardened like Vince’s yet.
He clears his throat. “We’ve tried to see you for the last couple of days.”
I shove my hands into my pocket like a nervous child. “I know. I—I just needed some time.”
I can see him swallow hard. Men like this… they don’t show emotion easily. The big bad tough biker. He may not be in his element with his club around, but old habits die hard, I guess.
He nods. “Did you have enough time?”
Truthfully? No. But what good will it do to admit it?
I shrug my shoulders. “Guess so,” I answer him.
He inhales. I see his shoulders relax a bit. “Good.”
He pulls me in, wrapping his arms around me. I’m taken off guard, but his demeanor and confidence in his action calms me. His grip is tight. I instinctually wrap my arms around his waist and return the hug.
“You kids are gonna make me ruin my makeup,” Jean proclaims.
Jay releases me, embarrassed at the attention our sibling reunion is causing. There’s not a dry eye in the place as I abashedly take stock of our audience. Jean and Lil’s are dabbing at their moist eyes with Kleenex, with the hand-held baby carrier placed between them, a thin pink blanket draped over the frame. Dana is stoically standing back from the three of us, letting us have our moment.
The front door opens once more, with T.J. carrying sacks overflowing with groceries and items. T.J.’s always been one of my favorite Kingsmen, combining a touch of boyish innocence with his toughness.
Dana quickly moves to help him.
“Let me take something.” She tries to get a handle on one of the paper bags before it’s dropped.
T.J. lifts himself up, the bags held a bit more securely. “Nah, I’ve got it. Just show me where I can put them, darlin’ ”
The two of them disappear into the depths of the tiny alley kitchen.
“You guy’s didn’t need to do that,” I address the abundance of supplies being delivered.
Jay smiles, walks past me, kisses Lil’s on the cheek as he approaches her, and reaches down to swipe the pastel blanket aside, exposing the greatest of all his joys.
Baby Charlize, recently sleeping, stirs from her rest. She coos and stretches her tiny mitten-covered fingers as her daddy reaches in to take her securely in his hands.
When he lifts her, it’s strikingly obvious how tiny she is compared to his imposing size.
“It’s the least we could do. You’re family. We take care of our own. Until you’re 100% and back on your feet, you only have to ask and we’ll take care of whatever you need.”
He walks forward with his baby girl protectively held in his arms.
“And I’ll be leaving T.J. to watch over you and Dana.”
I swallow hard and protest. “That’s not necessary. I don’t need a babysitter, Jay.”
The daughter in his arms causes him to crack a smile. “No, you don’t need a babysitter… but you’ll have protection.”
I begin to object once more.
His eyes meet mine, assessing me.
“I’m going back to work in a couple of days and Dana’s leaving to go back home soon, so there’s really no point—“
“He stays,” Jay rules. To soften the blow, he hands over the baby. “Spend some time with your goddaughter before we leave. We’re picking Pop up from the hospital later, he’s being released.”
The very last thing I want to be talking about at this point—hell, at any point- is Vince, so I quickly and obviously change the topic.
“How’s Brendan?” I ask aloud to all of them, hoping to get some bit of information of the little boy I have not seen in days.
Jean and Lil’s share a look of discomfort. I’m putting them on the spot, I know… but I have no shame in needing to know about the child I’ve come to care for. Every time I see a commercial with a little boy his age, a small piece of me dies. The unlucky morning I happened to flip channels past the Ninja Turtles cartoon hit me like a punch in the gut.
“He’ll be back soon,” my new brother reassures me. “I’m working on it.”
I turn my attentions to the little girl in my arms. Her long lustrous lashes fluttering and her plump rosy cheeks with tiny little lips that smile as she coos. She’s perfect, just like the first time I saw her in the hospital… but it’s too much, too overwhelming right now as all I can seem to do is have my thoughts wander to the people who aren’t here.
I hand her back to Jay as Lil’s is still healing from her c-section, but I make sure to give her ivory little forehead a kiss first.
“I’m kinda getting tired,” I try to mask my heartache.
“Sure thing, Charlie. We’ll let you rest. Baby steps, you know. Give me a call later, OK?” Lil’s holds me at the shoulders, studying me. “Get some rest and we’ll get out of your hair.”
The baby is securely swaddled and wrapped up into the buckles of her carrier, with Jean holding tight to the handle.
“T.J.! Grab the rest of the things from the truck,” Jay calls out into the kitchen where the rookie club member and my sister haven’t been seen or heard from in quite a few minutes.
Lil’s leads the charge outside, with Jean following. T.J. joins us, carrying a half-eaten cupcake in his hand, and a shit-eating grin on his face. Apparently, according to Jay’s instructions, there’s more than just what came in the paper sacks earlier, and he and T.J. are going to go fetch it all.
The brown-haired younger man turns at the front door to lock eyes with my baby sister across the room. “See ya in a few, cupcake.”
My stomach drops as I witness the blushing of her cheeks and the grin on his face during their little exchange. The men leave and I address my sister for the first time in a little while.
“FUCK. NO.”
CHAPTER THREE
I rummage around in my handbag for my keys. “I’m running to the pharmacy. I’ll be back.”
“Didn’t you just send T.J. to the pharmacy?” Dana asks.
I laugh to myself. “That was to get him out of the house. I’m not stupid enough to leave you alone with a hot guy in my house while I’m not here.”
Dana scoffs at my explanation. “What? You’re the only one who can have a biker all to herself?”
I toss the leather strap of my bag over my shoulder and slip my sunglasses over my ears. “Do you see where that’s gotten me?”
“You, are a cockblock, Charlie.” She’s getting spiteful.
I bite my lip so as to not fall into old habits and start a shouting match with her. “I’m doing you a favor, Dana. Trust me. You should probably start packing.”
I leave her behind, no doubt fuming at my intervening in her possible crush. If only she were mature enough to realize that I’m looking to spare her the same heartache that claimed me.
The sooner and further I get her away from Chisolm, the Kingsmen, and T.J., the better.
~*~
This is most definitely not the pharmacy. The small house before me is anything but where I had planned to drive. Yet, somehow, as if the car was on autopilot of some kind, set to some previous “home” destination I’ve subconsciously navigated to, I’m here.
My car is the only one parked in the drive, with the house sitting vacant before me. The large black Escalade that used to sit where I’m parked now hasn’t been here in days. I hadn’t seen that first hand, due to my recuperation, but I just knew it in my gut.
They’re gone.
The once promising home and family that offered me things I had never thought I’d need were mine… if only for a short while. And then, they were suddenly missing.
My thoughts run over the last moments of that family life again and again. The last night spent in his bed, knowing that his body would most likely never be mine again. The last morning, forcing myself to say goodbye to a sleeping Brendan as if it were a normal morning, yet knowing in my gut that the small boy would feel abandoned once again when I was no longer a part of his life.
I think his trauma, the pain his own mother had inflicted on him, was one of the reasons why I feel so protective of him. I had felt that pain in my own life and wanted to do anything to spare Brendan. The twists in life had other plans, though.
I may have harmed him the most out of all them, and it kills me.
He finally felt safe, he finally felt the unconditional love from a mom he deserved. And then it was lost, a casualty to my stupid, stupid, life choices.
The grumbling motor revving in the distance breaks through my thoughts like a bullet. Those sounds had become such a central part of my life that I’d know them anywhere. The absence of those sounds over the last handful of days left a void, and the sudden presence of the large black bike with custom chrome behind me is a welcome distraction for me… it takes me from the gut-wrenching memories the house has brought to life.
I watch the rider in the rearview mirror as he dismounts, his eyes set on my car. Each bike has its own distinct sound, like a fingerprint or a voice, and I surprised myself by knowing this one by ear.
Blue, one of the Kingsmen brothers, removes his helmet while walking up alongside my Jeep. I’m not sure why he’s here, and I’m pretty damn sure he has no idea why I’m here.
We eye each other.
“Hey, Charlie….” I can tell he’s curiously surprised.
I can hear him fine through my opened window, but begin to gather my bag to join him outside the car.
“Hi, Blue. Fancy meeting you here.”
He steps back to let the car door swing open. “I’m just dropping off some things.”
I feel the need to explain my presence here, where it definitely shouldn’t be.
He nods. “No sweat. I
’m just checking on the place for Clink.”
The sound of his name cuts deep. It’s the first time anyone’s spoken it aloud since… well since everything happened. I do my best to hide the reaction that name provokes.
The paper bag in my hand crinkles loudly as I shift. Ever the gentleman, Blue closes the door behind me.
“You got your key?” he asks.
I absentmindedly reach for the cluster of metal trinkets in my pocket. “Yeah. But… I don’t know if it’ll still work.”
We make our way up the path as we speak.
“Charlie… he didn’t change the locks on you. He’s a dick, sure. In fact, he’s acting like a damn bitch with all this, but… he ain’t gonna do something cold like that.” I listen to Blue recap his brother’s behavior.
I feel a surge of anger soar up in my body. “Oh? Leaving me in a hospital I.C.U. wasn’t cold, right?”
Blue holds up his hands. “Not gonna get mixed up in shit between a brother and his Ol’ Lady, Charlie.”
I squint my eyes harshly at the tall biker. “I’m not his Ol’ Lady anymore, Blue. He made that perfectly clear.”
I slip the key into the lock and close my eyes while I prepare myself for the handle not to budge, for the lock to in fact have been changed. To my surprise, the handle moves, opening the entrance to the home.
“I’ll leave you to do your thing, girl. Just lock up and bring in the mail for me? No one will be back this way for another day or so.”
I step inside awkwardly. “Sure, Blue.”
He slides his shades back in place and signals a mock salute to me before departing, leaving me alone.
It’s like a time capsule in here, a frozen picture of when things were perfect. But, I know they aren’t anymore.
As I place my things on the kitchen counter, an image flashes in my mind of Clink bending me over that same counter to where my fingers were clammering and gripping at the edge for dear life as he pounded me relentlessly while I screamed his name in ecstasy.