Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  No, it was just weird seeing him. Whatever.

  The car door opened abruptly, startling me out of my thoughts. Tristan handed me the bags of food and started the car, shaking water off his hands and face.

  "Thanks," I murmured, cradling our food in one arm so I could type with my free hand.

  Call u when I get home.

  ok. xoxo

  Slipping my phone back into my purse, I peeked at Tristan. His smile made my heart squeeze, and he still made me feel warm and lucky inside.

  I sort of hated Skyler for making me feel anything other than that.

  Tristan sat back in his chair, yawning and rubbing his belly. "That hit the spot."

  “I know; I'm stuffed.” I always was after Moe's. Sipping my soda, I glanced at the clock over the stove. “So what do you feel like doing on your last night?”

  His phone chimed, and he picked it up, scanning the screen. “Finn's having some people over later...we could check that out."

  "Okay," I agreed, clearing the remnants of our burrito feast from the kitchen table.

  "I have to get the car back to my mom, though.” He stood, stretching his arms over his head. “And spend some time with her before she goes to work.”

  "Sounds good," I said, walking him to my front door. “Tell her I said hi.”

  He leaned down, pressing his lips gently to mine. “See you in a bit.”

  I watched him drive away. One of Mrs. Becker's taillights was busted, and it winked at me as Tristan disappeared around the corner. I'd have to mention it to him.

  Tiredness settled over me like an old blanket. I retreated into my room, shutting the door and peeling off my shorts. Bringing my phone into bed, I turned on Teigan's latest playlist and closed my eyes. But I couldn't relax. With nothing...no one...to distract me, the thoughts that had been crowding my peripheral came rushing to the forefront.

  Skyler.

  It had been so long since we'd seen one another, and then—boom. There he was, as sudden as a lightning strike. It wasn't that I never thought about him, because I did, but he'd faded with time. Other things, other people, had become realer, sharper.

  But now he was back, and he was real. Too real. It had been two years! Why did all of this feel so fresh? I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. Outside, the rain fell harder, thunder rumbling until the house shook with it. I closed my eyes, only to see his staring back at me.

  I was bound to run into Skyler—we still had a lot of the same friends. Being in a relationship with Tristan hadn't stopped me from hanging out with the same people and at many of the same spots. When he'd first left for college, I'd been glad that I'd maintained those friendships.

  Pausing Teigan's playlist, I pulled up Instagram. Looking up my ex felt a little shady, but I told myself it was just curiosity. I hadn't checked his page in forever—for all I knew he'd deleted it by now. But when I searched for his old handle, SkyHighler, it popped up right away. My heart sped up, like I was doing something wrong. There were lots of photos now, memes and nature shots and sports games. Parties and skyscrapers and Skyler running in the woods, shirtless; #crosscountry. The most recent pictures were of his graduation. There were tons of likes and comments on those, mostly congratulations, and I paused, reading some of them. It was weird to think he was out of high school now.

  I scrolled on, pausing on a family shot. It had obviously been taken while they were visiting him, because he was in uniform, and there were fall leaves scattered on the ground. Olivia and Ian looked radiant. Huge, happy smiles. Rocco stood to the side, his arms around Skyler and Phoebe. I gasped; their little sister had really grown up. I'd never really gotten to know her—she'd been a shy little bookworm, but she'd blossomed.

  And then there was Skyler. His hair was buzzed, and he was paler than I'd ever seen him, but he looked content. Relaxed. I gazed at him, relieved he'd been happy up there. Feeling like a creep, I nosed through some of his friend's accounts, looking for more pictures. I was seconds from closing the app when a comment beneath one of his selfies caught my eye. Well, it was more a series of heart-eyed emojis. From a brunette. So, of course, I clicked on her.

  She was beautiful and she knew it, judging by the number of selfies she'd posted. There were lots of photos of her in New York City, so maybe she lived there, and, as I scrolled further back in time, a couple of Skyler. There was one of them all dressed up, like they were going to prom. He was dressed in uniform again, a different one, and she was in a gorgeous gown. My heart caught at how lovely she was, at how good they looked together.

  I exited out of there with a quickness, cursing myself for having given in to nosiness. Teigan kept tabs on Rocco this way, but I'd always sworn I never would. Social media was a Pandora's Box of drama and information that I didn't need. So what if Skyler'd gone to a dance with some chick? I had loads of pictures of Tristan and me at prom, two years in a row.

  I wondered if Skyler had ever looked at my pictures.

  Ugh. What is wrong with you, Rory? Sick of over-thinking alone, I called Teigan, so I could over-think with her, but it went straight to voicemail. Frustrated, I tossed my phone into the sheets only to have it ring immediately.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey,” said Niki. “It's me.”

  "Hey. What's up?"

  "Nothing, just checking up on you."

  "I'm okay.” I sighed. “I'm used to Tristan going. He'll probably be back this weekend, anyway."

  "Yeah," she said, sounding distracted. "So, listen. I spoke to Teigan a little while ago."

  I stayed quiet, suspicious of where this was going.

  "And, anyway. Skyler will be at Finn's tonight. Okay?"

  And there it was again, that funky, anxious knot in my stomach. "Okay," I said, as nonchalantly as possible.

  I didn't know why I bothered. Niki knew me through and through, and she proved it when she said, "Teigan said you were freaking a little, earlier."

  "Jeez," I whined, kicking a pillow to the floor. "What is this? I was just caught off guard. You would've been the same way."

  "For sure. That's why I'm giving you a heads up about tonight,” she said quickly. “I just don't want you to feel weird, you know?"

  "I think that's inevitable, at least until I get used to him being back."

  "Do you still like him?" Her words were poisonous little darts, hitting me exactly where it hurt.

  "I don't know,” I said. “But it doesn't matter.”

  "It does matter," Niki said quietly. Of course it did; I just didn't feel like dissecting my feelings. Not now, and preferably not ever. It had taken an eternity to get over Skyler in the first place. “You know I'm on your side, right? Always.”

  I stared glumly out the window. "I know.”

  "Hey. Love you, nena."

  "Love you too."

  We disconnected. I opened the window, breathing in the sweet, damp air. The trees rustled wetly in the breeze, shaking raindrops onto the grass. I stretched my hand toward the nearest branch, letting water slide onto my fingertips.

  A soft knock at the door stirred me from my musings, and I turned as my mother walked in. She looked around, flipping the light switch. "Why's it so dark?"

  "Snuck up on me, I guess," I said, wiping my hand on my shirt.

  She nodded, leaning in the door frame. "Hungry?"

  "Not really. Tristan and I got Moe's."

  "Ah. Well, I'm going to start dinner anyway," she said, smiling as she turned to leave. "When's Tristan leaving?"

  "In the morning, early."

  Sympathy washed over her face, an expression I was well familiar with. I couldn't stand it, though, not tonight. "Mom, it's fine."

  "I know, I know. Are you two going out later?"

  "Probably to Finn's. He's having this... thing at his house. End of summer, or whatever." I smiled tightly, hoping she'd get the hint.

  She did, tapping her fingers lightly against the door as she turned to leave. Part of me wished I could tell her I'd seen Skyler earlie
r, but I wasn't ready to deal with the barrage of questions that was sure to follow.

  When Tristan and I pulled up to Finn's, the driveway and curb were already full. No Camaros, thankfully. We parked down the block, hurrying inside before the mist turned to rain again.

  Niki and Finn answered the door, Rocco and Teigan right behind them. Kai and this girl he'd been with all summer, Juliet, came in right after us, complaining about the shitty weather. Teigan was showing me a silly video on her phone when the front door opened, and Skyler walked inside. I half-hid behind Teig, but he saw me anyway, eyes flickering past before he turned to talk to someone else.

  Eventually, Tristan and I ended up in the living room with a bunch of guys from swim team. "Want anything?" he asked, resting his hand on my hip. “Beer? Finn got another case.”

  Nodding, I lowered onto the couch. "Sure."

  He disappeared into the crowd. Wrangling my phone from my pocket, I texted Niki, asking where the hell she was. And then the couch dipped down beside me, and I knew before I even looked that it was Skyler.

  He smiled, and I couldn't help it; I stared. He definitely seemed older, which was funny because really it hadn't been that long. Or maybe it had. If the Skyler I'd known was a sunset, all tan and golden, this Skyler was pre-dawn, his skin creamy and pale. The sun-bleached mess of waves had been shorn, leaving his hair uniformly dark. His eyes, though...they were the same. And he was still beautiful. I felt warm all over, almost feverishly so.

  "You avoiding me, Rory?" His grin widened.

  Without meaning to, I grinned, pulled right back into his orbit like a wayward star. "Not really," I said. The sound of my own voice put a damper on things, reminding me of where I was. “How...how have you been?"

  "I've been all right."

  "How long have you been back?"

  His eyes searched mine. "A couple days."

  A couple days? Where had he been all summer, then—up in New York? I looked away, bringing my gaze back to the safe zone of my lap. I needed to not care about this. I watched Skyler out of the corner of my eye as he sipped his beer. He was definitely different. Quieter, like his spirit had quieted down.

  Lord, now I sounded like Kai's mom, pontificating on vibes and spirits.

  Suddenly Tristan sat down on my other side, pressing a cold bottle in to my hands. "They had cider."

  "Thanks," I said, smiling at him.

  Winking, he settled back and took a long pull from his own bottle. If he'd noticed Skyler, he didn't seem to think anything of it, but the awkwardness was overwhelming for me. On cue, Niki dropped into a chair across from me, lips pressed together as she tried not to laugh.

  Rolling my eyes, I glanced at Skyler, but he was sitting forward now, forearms balanced on his thighs. And then, without another word, he got up and left. My heart skipped a beat. What was happening?

  Tristan stretched his arm out and pulled me closer to his side. "These next couple of weeks are gonna be crazy,” he said with a sigh. “I'm kind of dreading it.”

  I looked up at him, surprised. He was usually pumped to get back to Miami. “Really?”

  He shrugged. “It's just a long stretch, with no breaks.”

  “Yeah, that does kind of suck,” I said, but he was always bombarded with new classes and crazy training schedules. I didn't see the difference.

  He leaned closer. “I might not be able to come up for a while. Think you'll be okay?"

  I shrugged, peeling my label off the bottle. At this rate, my cider would be piss-warm by the time I got around to drinking it. "I always am."

  "I have so much to do, so much to get in order before leaving in January.” He rested his head on the back of the couch. "Hopefully things'll calm down. Maybe you can drive down this time."

  I squeezed his leg. "For sure.”

  The party continued around us, but we sat quietly, talking. I couldn't shake the unease I felt, and it wasn't just because of Skyler. It was us, Tristan and me, and the way we were handling his leaving. Normally, I was a lot more angsty inside, even if I maintained on the exterior. I knew he'd always come back, so it wasn't the end of the world, but I loved him. I wanted him to be minutes, not a phone call, away.

  Tonight felt different, though—calm. Too calm. I wasn't sure what bothered me more: Tristan's matter-of-fact approach to not visiting as much or my ready acceptance of it. Perhaps we'd gotten a little too good at preparing for separation; it was like we were already there.

  Tristan called from the road the next morning. While I'd been feeling complacent about him leaving, now that he was actually gone new feelings were starting to creep in.

  Here, here was the panic I'd been missing—but it was a weird sort of panic. It had been easy to accept Tristan's semester abroad when I still had him at my side. But now that he was gone again, even though it was only to Miami, I realized that this was our new normal. I was used to being part of a whole, to being Tristan's girl. He was my plus one, one of very my best friends, and now I'd be on my own.

  And that didn't scare me. It didn't make me feel anything. I'd assumed my mature handling of the situation meant I was growing up, when it reality, maybe we were just growing apart.

  It didn't help that Skyler was back, digging up feelings I'd long put to rest.

  I hung up with Tristan and called Teigan, ignoring that she was a fantastically late sleeper.

  "Hello?" she rasped.

  "I know you're sleeping, but I really need you," I said, fluffing my pillows before lying down again.

  "Mkay."

  "Don't go back to sleep."

  "Mm, I'm not."

  "Teigan."

  "Ugh, is this about Tristan leaving? You do this every time."

  I paused, trying to figure out the best way to word my drama without Teigan jumping the gun.

  She laughed suddenly. "Holy shit."

  "What?”

  "This is about Skyler."

  “What? No.”

  “Yeah, girl.”

  "I mean, not really," I hedged. "I don't even know what I feel right now."

  "Do you feel guilty or something?”

  "About what?"

  "About Skyler. Keep up."

  "Why should I feel guilty?” Irked, I sat up. “I haven't done anything but have thoughts, and I can't help that.”

  “You sound like you feel guilty.” She sounded like she was smoking a bowl, and for a second, I envied her little wake n' bake.

  “He makes me...uncomfortable...and that makes me feel bad because I shouldn't be affected by him at all."

  "Feelings aren't supposed to be rational."

  This was why I'd called Teigan before calling Niki. Sometimes I just needed someone to bitch with, someone to validate my crazy. Teig was unapologetically passionate, great at commiserating with me on the messiness of love, whereas Niki was more likely to smack me back into reality...with love. They balanced each other out. They balanced me out.

  "I guess not," I said. "But still."

  "I wouldn't worry about it,” she said, coughing. “You'll get used to Skyler being back, and things'll go back to normal.”

  "I hope so," I said. "Got any plans later?”

  "Rocco's coming over. Wanna chill by the pool?”

  Every kid in high school longs to be a senior, but now that I'd arrived, it felt like every other year. I tried to focus on the fact that this was our last year. College was right around the corner.

  My parents weren't exactly rolling in the dough, so I'd be attending a state school in Florida. I'd already started looking into schools like UF, in Gainesville, and USF, in Tampa. I knew kids who'd graduated and currently attended both schools, so visiting to check them out would be simple enough.

  When Tristan had first left to go to U of M, I'd been certain that, one day, I'd follow him there. But the more I looked into factors like curriculum and lifestyle (Miami, as much fun as it was to visit, was not a place I wanted to live), I realized that what was a good fit for him wasn't necessarily a good f
it for me.

  Adults always made high school and college sound so carefree, but I suspected they were just romanticizing the past. Between work, maintaining my grades, getting into college and feeling funky about my boyfriend, I was stressed the hell out. Half the time I tried calling Tristan, I got his voicemail, and by the time he tried calling me back, he got mine. Our communication had seemingly devolved to a series of texts. It was no one's fault, I knew that, but it was frustrating, and I wondered if he had any of the worries and doubts that I had.

  Despite that, and his initial worries that he'd be too busy to come home, he surprised me with a visit one Saturday morning. By Sunday, he was gone again, but the time we spent together was worth it—even if we did talk about school the whole time.

  And then there was Skyler. At first, I didn't see him at all. I thought this was a sign, a good thing. Maybe coexisting in the same place wouldn't be so hard after all. But as the first month of school turned into the second, I began to wonder: Was he in college? Was he working? Was he dating?

  "Maybe he's not dating anyone," Niki said, hooking her fingers into air quotes. Dance had been canceled for the day, and she and Teigan were hanging around the bookstore.

  "We are talking about the same person, right?" I snorted, attacking a pile of clearance books with the price gun.

  "Who're we talking about?" Teigan asked, wandering back from the coffee bar across the store. The new guy had already fallen prey to her blonde goddess charms; she was on her second latte.

  "Nobody," I said.

  “Skyler,” Niki said.

  "Oh." Teigan licked a swoop of whipped cream from her drink. "What about him?"

  "I just wonder what he's up to these days...who he's with."

  "I don't think he's with anybody," Teigan said. “And he's working at some construction company in Stuart.”

  Niki arched an eyebrow, like see?

  I wrinkled my nose. "Construction? Why isn't he in school?"

  She shrugged. "Why don't you ask him?"

  Not all of us had that sort of access to Skyler, but I kept that to myself. “Is Rocco coming home this weekend?"

  "Probably. Is Tristan?"