"No," I said, straightening the pile of books I'd just priced into a neat row. "Maybe next weekend."
"How's that going for you?" Niki asked, reading the back of a suspense thriller.
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
"I don't know. I used to hate when he was gone, like I couldn't wait for him to come back.” I paused, taking a sip from my water bottle. “It doesn't bother me like it used to...and that bothers me.”
Niki nodded; this wasn't anything new. I'd been saying the same thing for a while now, like talking about it would make it go away or work itself out.
"I hate that I didn't realize I felt like that until I saw Skyler.” My face warmed, and tears sprang unexpectedly to my eyes. “I hate myself for that.”
"Why would you hate yourself for that?"
"Because it makes me feel like I'm...emotionally cheating."
"But why?" Teigan asked, frowning. "Have you thought about cheating or something?"
"No!" I cried. I'd never let my thoughts even go that far. "No, I just...”
"You want to know what I think?” asked Niki. “For real?”
I nodded, motioning for her to continue.
“I think seeing Skyler reminded you of what it was like to be super excited about the person you're with...and that made you realize things are changing with Tristan," Niki said. “You guys have been together for a really long time.”
“Yeah, but look at you and Finn!”
“We're totally different people,” Niki said, shrugging. “Just because we're staying together, it doesn't mean you guys have to.”
“So logical, and yet so unhelpful.”
"No, she's right," Teigan said, nodding. "Being comfortable with Tristan doesn't mean you're destined to stay with him forever. Maybe when the passion's gone, it's gone.”
"The passion?" I snickered, ignoring the tightness in my chest. "Have you been hanging in the Harlequin section again?"
"Shut up," Teigan said. "You know I'm right."
Maybe she was; maybe they both were. Either way, I felt like I was looking for reasons to pick apart my relationship with Tristan, and that made me feel like the shittiest girlfriend ever.
"The mall?" I groan-giggled. "So lame."
"There's nothing else to do," snapped Teigan. "And I'm driving, so..."
As usual, Treasure Coast Mall's parking lot was packed, mainly with high school kids going to the movies or whatever. She was right; there really wasn't much to do. Back in the day, when there had been all these restrictions on us because of parents and age, everything had been exciting and new. Now we were old and jaded. And bored.
After circling the lot a few times, we found a spot and parked. No sooner had we entered the crowded food court I saw Rocco, Kai, and Skyler. Talk about a blast from the past.
"Hey, babe," Rocco said, pulling on Teigan's shorts as soon as she was close enough.
She plopped on to his lap. "Hey, boys."
Kai jumped up, crushing Niki and me in an obnoxious bear hug. "Long time no see!”
"You see me all the time," I reminded him, pinching his side for good measure.
"Yeah, but, you know."
I did know. Kai had always made it clear that he preferred when Tristan wasn't around.
"Hey, Skyler," I said, finally looking at him.
He stood, pulling me into a proper hug. "Hey.”
I squeezed back, breathing him in for just a second. He smelled the same, and it hit me like a punch in the gut. Letting go, I took a step back. He was taller now, more solid.
"How've you been?" he asked.
"Good. Busy, you know. What about you?"
"Same."
I folded my arms, nodding. The awkwardness was so thick I was nearly choking on it.
"Hey, I think we're gonna see a movie," Niki said, linking her arm through mine.
My heart sank. I wasn't in the mood to do that at all. In fact, I wanted nothing more than to just sit down and talk to Skyler. I couldn't deny it anymore. I didn't want to.
"Is that okay?" Niki whispered, sensing my hesitation.
"I guess?" I looked at Skyler. “Or...”
“We can do that,” he said, looking a little surprised.
“I don't feel like seeing a movie,” I said quickly.
"Oh. We can, uh, hang out here while they go," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "If you want." It was odd seeing him this way, like he was unsure of himself—a huge departure from the cocky brat I'd been infatuated with years before. Maybe he was as curious about me as I was about him.
"I think I'd rather do that," I said to Niki, squeezing her hand. "You don't mind, right?"
She smiled knowingly, letting go as she left to catch up with Teigan. Rocco tugged my hair on his way out, winking at me over his shoulder.
We sat down at the table. I had so many questions for Skyler, but the loud, garishly bright food court wasn't where I'd imagined this conversation. I glanced around, wondering if there was someplace else we could go.
“Did you want to get something to eat?”
“Not really. It's just.” I gestured. “Loud.”
"Do you wanna sit in my car?" he asked, staring at his folded hands.
My heart skipped a beat. “Your car?”
"To talk." I stared, wondering if that was a good idea, and he looked up, chuckling at my expression. “It's quieter."
I bit my lip, smiling. "I know."
He leaned closer, and like always, I leaned closer too. "You can relax. I'm not going to seduce you in the mall parking lot."
I made a face, which made him laugh. "Oh, like that's so beyond you. You did seduce me in a mall movie theater once."
That only made him laugh harder. "Yeah, I guess I did."
The memory made me blush, even though I'd been the one to bring up. “All right, let's go then.”
Skyler's car was as immaculate inside as it was outside. It still had the new car smell, but there were hints of leather, too, and a familiar air freshener. Coconut? “This brings me back,” I said, touching the pine tree dangling from the rear-view mirror.
“Does it?”
I nodded. “I like your car.”
"Me too," he said, running his hand over the dashboard. "It runs really nice, too. Maybe I can take you for a ride one of these days."
I nodded, wanting that more than I should. Sitting in a car with him felt clandestine, like we were in our own little bubble, and while I'd once loved that, now it put me on edge.
"So...you're working now?"
"Yeah, with Stuart Construction. I like it."
"Why didn't you go to college?"
"I'll go," he said. "Probably next year. It's been intense, Rory. I needed a break."
I nodded, but really, I had no idea what military school had been like.
"Anyway, it's a good fit for me,” he continued. “I just came off a summer working construction with my Uncle Aiden. You remember him, right?"
"That's who you stayed with, right?"
"When I first got up there, yeah. Anyway, he offered me a summer job after I graduated. The pay was good, so I took it."
"I'm surprised you didn't come back here as soon as school let out,” I said. Wouldn't Jensen Beach be first priority after a two-year exile?
The silence expanded between us until it was all I could hear. And then, out of nowhere, he said, "I thought about you a lot when I was gone.”
How was I supposed to respond to something like that? It brought to the surface old emotions I thought I'd gotten over, feelings of sadness, longing, and even anger. "You just...stopped talking to me. No texts, no calls, nothing." I stared at my hands, now clenched into fists on my lap.
He was quiet for a minute. I was glad he hadn't put on music.
"I didn't know what to say after a while," he said. "I thought maybe if we stopped talking it would be easier."
"On who?"
I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't look at him just then.
"Are you
mad at me?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know," I said, and my heart ached. "No."
"Do you want to be?"
"Mad?"
"Yeah."
"It might make things easier.”
"What things?"
I exhaled slowly, finally letting myself look at him again. His hair was getting longer, and it looked soft.
Everything.
No One's Gonna Love You
He gazed back, waiting. I wasn't used to this, to him asking hard questions.
Once upon a time, I'd been the one constantly digging beneath the surface, always wanting to know more about the boy behind the cool, gray eyes. But now he wanted to know things about me, things I wasn't willing to give up just yet.
"It's just weird, you know?” I said, copping out by being vague.
But he shook his head, still pinning me with his stare. Since when was he interested in soul-searching, deep conversation? I needed to stop comparing old Skyler to current Skyler. God knew I wasn't the same, either.
"You being back.” My stomach knotted up. I felt vulnerable, like I was spilling my secrets. "It's weird having you back on the landscape. Things ended so abruptly...we didn't really get any closure."
"You feel like there was no closure?" he asked, wrinkling his brow.
I shifted so that I was facing him. "Would we be having this conversation if there had been?"
The faintest hint of a smile touched his face, and he shrugged, looking down. "Do you want closure?"
This was becoming an exchange of questions, and I was bordering on frustrated. It wasn't so much that I wanted closure, it was that I needed it; I hated having feelings for someone when I was with someone else.
"Well... yeah. For moving on," I admitted.
He glanced up sharply. "You did move on, Rory."
His anger—and he was a little angry; I could see it in his eyes—caught me by surprise. He'd said himself that he had been the one to let go, so what was he getting at?
"You've been with that guy for a while now, haven't you?" he continued, cocking his head. "So, why does it matter that I'm back?"
Now he was asking loaded questions. I didn't like this cloaked way of speaking, like we were saying everything but what we really wanted to. Neither of us wanted to be the one to upset the tenuous balance we were trying to forge—not that I was even at liberty to.
"It doesn't," I lied, grabbing the door handle.
His hand closed around my wrist. "They're going to be in that movie for at least another hour."
"We're talking in circles," I said quietly, unable to focus on anything other than him touching me. "And being around you this way makes me uncomfortable.”
His hand fell away. “Yeah, well, you make me uncomfortable, too.”
“I'm sorry.”
And I was, but I felt like I was crossing a line by being this close when it was obvious we still had feelings. Even if I was unsure about Tristan these days, imagining him in a private place, talking like this with his ex, hurt.
"Do you want to drive around?" Skyler asked suddenly, touching his hand to his pocket.
It sounded so, so good that I knew I shouldn't. I shook my head. "No."
"You really don't trust me, do you?" he laughed humorlessly, slumping back into his seat.
I do, I wanted to say. It's me I don't trust.
We wandered around the mall, people watching and window shopping. Sometimes remnants of our old rapport surfaced, a connection, a joke. I'd look at him and his eyes would sort of sparkle, and we'd laugh for a second. But then the moment would pass, and the weirdness would descend again, the remembering.
By the time our friends emerged from the movie theater, I was more than ready to go. Teigan and Niki caught on pretty quickly, despite my efforts to keep a neutral face.
"You sure you don't wanna go?" I heard Rocco asking Teigan, tickling his fingers just under her shirt. The guys were heading to a lounge or something to play pool.
"Nah," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Tomorrow, okay?"
I turned away from their sugary goodbyes and let Niki link her arm though mine. "How was the movie?"
"Way funnier than I was expecting," she said, laughing. "How was"—she lowered her voice—"your talk?"
I peeked around to see where Skyler was. He and Kai were near the glass doors, looking like they were about to leave. "Perplexing and slightly unpleasant.”
"Eh, not surprising."
"Right?" I leaned closer to her. "We can hardly even communicate! We say stuff, but it's not productive, like we're afraid to say what we're actually thinking.”
"Give it time," she said. "He just got back."
"I know." I sighed.
Teigan walked over, slipping her messenger bag over her head. "Ready? I want ice cream."
"Why don't you just get something here?" I asked.
"I was thinking Dairy Queen."
Rocco bounded over, wrapping me in a tight hug. "See ya soon, Aurora Borealis. You should come around more often."
"I am around," I said, poking him. "You're the one who lives down south now."
“You know what I mean.” I did know what he meant, and it was confirmed when his eyes slid over to his brother. “Don't be a stranger.”
We all left together, splitting up when we reached the parking lot. Skyler looked back, pausing when our eyes met. I slowed, letting the girls go on.
"I guess I'll see you around,” he said, coming closer.
I nodded. "Okay."
He faltered, and I wondered if he was going to hug me again, but he just touched my hand and left. My phone vibrated as I made my way to Teigan's car, and I pulled it from my pocket, reading the text. It was from Tristan.
Miss you.
My face felt warm, and I wanted to cry.
Miss u too.
If Skyler had been making himself scarce before, now he was everywhere. I told myself this was coincidental; we shared many of the same friends and haunts. Thankfully, though, repeated exposure to one another chipped away at the awkwardness, and after a while it became easier to just chill. We fell into an easy way, two people who had known each other for a long time. Not as close as we'd once been, but at least I didn't have to pretend.
One Thursday night, when the Imaginarium was dead, I grabbed a table by the coffee shop and started on my homework. I was switching from history to math when I spied Skyler Nolan wandering into Young Adult – Fantasy. Interesting. I took a sip of coffee and continued with pre-calculus. It wasn't my best class, but I was more than proficient despite my uncharitable feelings toward it.
Twenty minutes later, Skyler had yet to approach me. He'd been in the Young Adult section for quite some time. I snickered inwardly, wondering what could possibly be so intriguing to him. A shadow fell across the table, and I looked up.
Skyler smirked down at me, turning my notebook so it was facing him. "I'm so glad I'm done with this."
"Well, good for you," I snarked, grabbing my notebook back. He wouldn't let go, though. "Can I help you with something?"
"Actually, yes. Phoebe's birthday is tomorrow. She still loves to read...any recommendations?"
"If she loves to read, chances are she's read most of what I would recommend. Gift card, maybe?"
"Too impersonal." He slid the chair across from me out and sank into it, knocking my feet with his. “C'mon, she's my baby sister.”
I softened. "What's she into?"
"Creepy stuff."
"Like, Stephen King creepy or Christopher Pike creepy?"
He paused, thinking. "I remember Christopher Pike. He still writes?"
I nodded, standing up. "Yeah... his new stuff looks pretty good, actually. I'm tempted to read it myself."
He followed me back to the Young Adult section, almost bumping into me when I stopped. "Sorry."
I waved him off, but his proximity made me feel fluttery. And that made me feel guilty. It wasn't that I didn't like seeing him; it was that I liked it
a little too much.
"There. The white books. It's a trilogy, I think. You can maybe get her this, and then a gift card too, and a gift receipt in case she doesn't like the books."
"Thanks," he said, but he made no move to actually get the books.
We stood there for a second. I remembered my coffee, probably getting cold. "I'll be up front."
He nodded, and I knew he was watching me as I walked away.
Tristan straightened, smiling down at me. "I think I'll miss that the most."
I nodded, still feeling his kiss on my mouth. He always made me feel warm and safe when we were like this. Loved.
He turned and walked down toward the water, kicking sand along as he did. "Apparently they've got beaches in Brighton, but nothing like this." His voice barely floated back to me, caught on the wind.
Closing my eyes, I breathed deep, enjoying the sun on my face and the crash of the waves. Tristan had visited the past couple of weeks, usually coming on Saturday and leaving on Sunday. It wasn't like it had been the year before, but neither was his class schedule. The fact he could come at all meant a lot.
I pulled a blanket from my beach bag and spread it, anchoring the corners with our shoes. Tristan came back and sat beside me, lying back with his hands behind his head. The late afternoon light shone gold in his hair, and a peaceful grin played at his face. I wondered, for the millionth time, if he ever had doubts, if he ever felt turmoil deep inside.
"What was your longest relationship?" We'd discussed things along those lines, our pasts and the people in them, but I'd never asked that.
"This one," he answered, opening one eye to look at me.
“Me too,” I said. "It's hard to believe we've been together so long.”
"I know. We're a good fit." Tristan slid his fingers through mine and squeezed. It was a familiar feeling.
I squeezed back. "Yeah. It's easy."
He grinned, closing his eye again.
"Are you ever afraid? That it won't last?" I asked, staring at the water.
He was quiet awhile. I peeked down at him, afraid he'd be confused or upset, but he wasn't. Actually, he looked a little lost in thought. "You mean because of the program? Because I'm leaving?”
“I mean in general.”
“I don't know. I think we've done okay so far, and we don't even see each other that much. Maybe that's a good sign, right?"
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