Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  And yet, this whole sense of mortality had settled in to my bones. It was sort of morbid, really. I remembered being a kid and watching a sitcom where there was a death in the family. That was the first time I'd truly considered death, and it had terrified me. I'd grown up since then, and understood things a little more deeply now, but I'd never had anyone close to me pass away.

  I was thankful and relieved that there was hope for my grandmother, but the entire situation had left me feeling vulnerable and raw. Like life was spinning by too fast and there was nothing I could do about it.

  Sometimes I yearned for the freedom that came with adulthood, but other times I mourned the loss of feeling safe and parented. And not only that, but the feeling of being part of a whole: family, community, everything. Jensen Beach was my "whole" and soon I would be gone.

  "Talk to me," Skyler said, squeezing my thigh the way he always did in the car.

  "Just...thinking. Too much." I rubbed my face. “Can't turn my brain off.”

  "Can't blame you," he said, glancing over.

  "This whole thing really kind of threw me off. We know logically that things happen, but we don't actually expect them to. It's so easy to float along and just go for the ride, but when stuff like this happens, it forces you to look at just how far you've floated."

  "Like falling asleep on an inner tube."

  “What?” I laughed at the random image. "Yeah. That would suck."

  "That happened to Rocco a few years ago," said Skyler. "We were at this Fourth of July thing off the Sandbar, and he had too many beers and just passed out. You know how crowded it gets out there. We didn't even know he was gone until someone asked and by then...he was a dot in the distance."

  "You're kidding me."

  "Nope." Skyler's smile faded. "It's a funny story, but in reality, it could have ended really badly. He was grounded for two weeks."

  "Wow." I shook my head. "And the moral of the story is... don't drink and float?"

  Skyler snorted. "The moral of the story is shit gets real when you're not paying attention."

  I nodded, thinking about that.

  "Things change, you know? We never want them to, and we can fight it all we want, but in the end, they change for us anyway. I didn't want to leave when I left. Now I can't imagine what would've happened if I'd stayed." He looked at me. "Not that there's any comparison to this."

  Tears prickled at my eyes. I didn't want to be sad tonight, but it was there, lingering at the edges. "I just have to get used to it,” I said. Skyler took my hand, braiding our fingers together.

  "I thought about you all the time when I was away. It would've been better if you'd been there.”

  Pulling off the main road, he parked the car and turned it off. We'd arrived at the inn.

  "That's when I realized how important you are to me, Skyler,” I said, emotion warbling my voice. “I don't like being away from you, like ever, and that's probably not healthy."

  "Nah," he said, smiling. "Just let it be."

  "You always did like to go with the flow," I said with a sigh.

  He twisted to face me, his face serious. "Why do you think I'm going to school in Tampa? UT's a great school, but there are great schools in other states. Leaving you when we were younger sucked...but I have a say this time. Shit's not going down the same way twice."

  I couldn't look away from his eyes even if I wanted to. And I couldn't speak if I wanted to, not with the lump in my throat. Had Skyler always felt this way? Or was it personal evolution, something that had changed over the years?

  "I'm not making the same mistakes Tristan made," he said, smiling darkly. "I'm not stupid. I know you two had something real for a while, but I also know that he screwed up when he started leaving you all the time."

  But talking about Tristan felt wrong, and I didn't want to sully what we'd had...even if I did see where Skyler was coming from. "It just wasn't meant to be with me and him.”

  "Oh, I know it wasn't. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna do the same thing and expect different results. Look at what happened when I left you. We still fell apart."

  I grabbed his hands "Maybe we were too young, anyway."

  "Maybe. But you said you loved me, even then."

  "I did."

  "So?" He shrugged. "Trust me; I've thought about this a lot. I used to think serious relationships were kind of scary. Like, why would you limit yourself? And not even with just girls, but ... with everything? Why?"

  I grinned, remembering his free agent days. "Yeah, why would you?"

  "It's easy to have opinions on things when you have no idea what you're talking about," he said, grinning back. "Let's just say I get it now."

  He opened his door and I opened mine, welcoming the brisk, briny air. I loved being so close to the beach. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for the fireworks to start. I was glad I'd made the decision to spend the night with Skyler. I needed the break; I needed him.

  We grabbed our bags from the trunk and walked toward the inn. Skyler had checked in earlier, so we were able to go straight to our room, which was nice. "It's ten,” he said, shrugging out of his jacket. “I'm calling Rocco to see where they're at."

  Kicking off my shoes, I laid back on the bed. I was glad Skyler "got it" now. If I was going to be crazy for him, he needed to be crazy about me.

  A couple of minutes later, he hung up and flopped down next to me. "He and Teigan are at some party in Stuart. They'll be here around 11:30 so we can watch the fireworks down by the bridge."

  "Did he say if Niki and Finn were with them?"

  He shook his head. Not surprising; Niki and Finn were usually off doing their own thing. I missed her, too. I felt very needy, craving the companionship of my favorite people.

  "I'll call her," I murmured, grabbing my phone. It went straight to voicemail, but as I started leaving a message another call came through. "Hello?"

  "Rory, it's me. My phone's dead so I'm on Finn's." She paused. "How was the trip?"

  "Hey. It was okay. Grandma Peg's recovering, but it'll take time."

  "Did you get to spend time with her at least?"

  "A little. It was hectic, and everyone was always around so I didn't have a lot of alone time. It was good though."

  "Good. Glad you're back."

  "Me too." I sighed, switching gears. I wanted to relax, and just be. "What are you up to, tonight?"

  "This thing at his parent's. Are you guys going out at all?"

  "I'm staying with Skyler downtown. We're watching the fireworks at midnight...can you come? I miss you."

  "Aw, I miss you too. And I love fireworks. Hold on." I heard her talking to someone else—presumably Finn—and then she got back on. "For sure. You'll be by the bridge?"

  "Yeah. Teigan and Rocco are meeting us at 11:30."

  "Okay. See you then."

  I tossed my phone aside, feeling for the first time in days like all was well in my world. I loved this feeling, even if it was generally fleeting. Skyler was doing something on his phone, so I waited patiently until he was finished.

  He knew I was watching him, because he started to smile. "What's up?"

  "Let's do it."

  He put his phone down and turned to me, resting his hand on my hip. "How can I say no when you proposition me like that?"

  "We all know the real reason you got us a room. Come on."

  "Yeah, so I could wake up to you."

  "More like so you could wake up in me," I said, razzing him on purpose.

  It was slow this time, for-real making love. No moving around or new positions, just him inside me and me around him. Different, certainly, than just scratching an itch. More like, gluing ourselves together. Always that slightly scary but exhilarating feeling of falling a little more, in a good way, a best way.

  I shared my sparklers with the girls—and Rocco, who insisted he get one too. Skyler popped open the bottle of champagne, and we passed it around until it was gone.

  The fireworks were magic. They always were. N
o matter how many times I saw them they always took my breath away and filled me with wonder, thanking God and lucky stars for such beautiful, impossible things.

  It was all so simple and good, the perfect flip side to my three-day crisis; calm and relaxed, time spent with friends. I sat back and soaked it in, the magic and the mundane:

  The explosions of color in the sky.

  Niki's predictable gasps, Teigan's tipsy giggles.

  The snarky commentary of all three boys.

  Skyler's fingertips tickling against my own.

  I gave him a sloppy kiss when the clock struck midnight. Maybe things were changing, but I trusted that he and I would stay this way, even when my senior year was over and we'd left Jensen Beach.

  Because this time, we'd leave it together.

  Come Close to Me

  Rocco and Teigan broke up the day before Valentine's. None of us saw it coming, although, knowing those two, it wasn't all that surprising they'd pick the most romantic time of the year to do it.

  Teigan didn't come to school the next day. She'd always been dramatic like that, but this time, I knew it was legit. I wouldn't want to be surrounded by lovey-dovey stuff today, either. She was probably holed up in her room, smoking out of her favorite pink pipe while watching reality TV or something. That would never fly with my parents—no way would I be allowed to skip school, broken heart or not, and the weed? Ha. Not a chance in hell—not that the Chandlers knew about her habits.

  I was tempted to skip, myself, and drive straight to her place; she and Niki had certainly seen me through enough of my own relationship woes. Meanwhile, at Jensen Beach High, candy grams were being sent left and right. It reminded me of grade school, when we'd exchange little Valentines with every single classmate. Needless to say, people were a lot more selective these days. As usual, I got lollipops with silly messages from Niki, Leyla, and Janelle. I'd sent each of them one, too; it was tradition.

  I'd miss this next year, when we were spread out all over.

  At lunch, I texted Skyler.

  You know what today is, right?

  It took him a minute, but he responded. Hard to miss the explosion of pink and red hearts.

  I smiled. Seeing a lot of that down at the job site?

  U'd be surprised.

  I have to work after school. Come see me?

  For sure. Gotta go tho.

  xo

  I was almost done with my shift at the Imaginarium when Skyler showed up.

  "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me," I said, smiling wryly.

  "Never." He leaned over the counter for a kiss.

  "So... are we doing anything tonight?" I asked, trying to be all casual. I wasn't going to go nuts if he didn't have anything planned, but I couldn't help but hope.

  "Not too many places available for dinner this late," he said, stroking the top of my hand. “Not here in the boonies, anyway.”

  "I know." I made a face, wishing I'd asked for the night off. It just hadn't occurred to me before.

  "My parents are gone."

  "Really? Why?"

  "My Dad had a medical conference in D.C. so, instead of leaving my mother for Valentine's Day, he brought her."

  Ian Nolan was such a stud. I smiled, running my thumb along the dimple on Skyler's cheek. "That's sweet. I'm surprised your Mom took the time off."

  "No kidding. Anyway, they get back tomorrow night...but for now, I have the house."

  I wished desperately it was the weekend. "I can come for a little while."

  "You sure can.” His mouth curved into cocky little smirk.

  Scandalized by the double meaning, I glanced around to make sure no one was watching our flirt fest.

  "I did get you something, though," Skyler said, straightening up.

  I didn't even try to hide my happiness. "Really?"

  Laughing, he shook his head. "You're such a girl."

  "Yep."

  He slid a folded-up piece of paper across the counter. I frowned, wondering what it was. Skyler wasn't exactly the type to give me poetry. And then I smiled, my heart skipping in anticipation. It was a printout of my flight itinerary for spring break, from West Palm to New York and back. By the looks of it, we'd be gone a good ten days.

  "I told you I'd go halves," I whispered, leaning across the counter to kiss him again.

  He grinned, shrugging.

  Our moment was interrupted by a vibration in my pocket.

  "Hold on," I said, pulling away. "That's probably Teigan. She's been texting me all day because of your brother."

  Skyler shook his head and stepped away, shoving his hands into his pockets.

  Great. According to Teigan's message, she and Rocco really were on the outs. I'd hoped that talking things out would've helped, but apparently not.

  Do u and S have plans tonight?

  I chewed the inside of my cheek, torn. My girls had always been with me, and they always would be, regardless of guys. But Skyler wasn't just some guy. And it was our first Valentine's together.

  We're about to go to his house. R u ok?

  Can u come over? Just for a little while? Please? Niki just left. Don't want to b alone.

  That's right; Niki had skipped dance to be with Teigan for a bit. I looked up at Skyler, who was watching warily.

  "What now?"

  "She wants me to come over for a little while...I guess things aren't going too well."

  He shoved his hands through his hair. "That sucks."

  "I know."

  "So you have to go."

  "I'll stop by, but I won't stay.” I frowned, feeling like I was being pulled in two directions. “Wouldn't you go to Rocco?"

  Skyler laughed, coming closer again. "No. I'd tell his ass to call me in the morning."

  I grabbed his hands, glad he didn't seem too pissy about it. "I'll be over as soon as I can," I said, linking our fingers. "Promise."

  "Believe it when I see it."

  “Skyler..."

  "Your girl has really shitty timing." He stared impassively back at me, reminding me of times when things were murky between us. Yeah. He was annoyed.

  "She was always there for me." I glanced around the empty store. Besides the barista at the coffee bar, we were alone. "It's almost time for me to close, anyway. Come on, I'll walk you out."

  It was nearly midnight as I headed to Skyler's. I'd called my mother earlier to explain the situation, so that wasn't an issue, but I worried that Skyler was going to be pissed. I didn't blame him. Teigan—and Rocco—really did have bad timing.

  The call went to voicemail. I wondered if he'd already fallen asleep; he worked hard, and he was often tired. Maybe it would be unfair to wake him up now.

  But halfway home, I changed my mind. Skyler was always doing spontaneous things, like sneaking through my window. Now, it was my turn. Most of the lights were off when I pulled up to his house. Feeling like a creeper, I made my way to the backyard, to the pool deck. I kicked off my flip flops and toed the water. A little cool, but not too bad.

  My heart pounded; what I was about to do was either really hot or really dumb. Racing to the garage apartment, I threw gravel at Skyler's bedroom window until his light came on. Then, returning to the pool, I stripped down to my birthday suit and tried calling him again.

  Please God, don't let there be any weirdos watching from the bushes...

  His phone rang a couple of times before he picked up, sounding groggy. “Rory? Were you throwing shit at my window just now?”

  "I think you should come down to the pool."

  "What?"

  I trembled as the breeze blew, not so much cold as I was anxious. "Come downstairs. To the pool." I hung up before he could say anything, tossing my phone back to my clothes. Hopefully he'd actually come—it would really suck if he mistook my call for a dream and went back to sleep.

  Wind soughed through the trees, making them shush and sway all along the perimeter of the backyard. I swam a couple of laps to warm up, enjoying the way t
he water felt on my skin. Swimming at night, especially skinny-dipping, was always secretive and exciting; we'd been doing it at Teigan's since middle school.

  "Rory."

  I stopped mid-stroke. Skyler was standing at one end of the pool, arms folded. The dark made it hard to see his expression, so I swam closer.

  "Hey."

  "What are you doing?" His voice was amused, though, like he was on the brink of laughter.

  "What does it look like?" My teeth chattered a little.

  "Are you...naked?" He crouched down as I swam to the edge and stood up.

  The night air raised goose bumps on my wet skin, hardening my nipples almost painfully.

  Before I could ask him to join me, he stood up, flung his clothes off, and dove in. In seconds, he had me against the wall, my legs around his waist. "What're you doing, crazy girl?" he whispered, kissing me.

  “I promised, didn't I?” I ran my fingers through his wet hair, kissing him back. His mouth was so warm. "I missed you.”

  "You see me all the time."

  "And I still miss you.”

  He slipped his tongue into my mouth, and I clung tightly to him, feeling him harden between us. Hiking me up a little higher, he sucked a nipple into his mouth.

  "I want you." He let go of my nipple and went for the other one, biting me a little.

  "You have me."

  "Here?”

  "Wait," I whispered, trying to think through the lust-fog. "Not in the pool... that would be gross."

  "You're killing me here." He secured his grip on my thighs and walked to the steps leading out of the pool. The balmy air chilled my wet skin, and I shivered.

  "Can you even see where you're going?" I giggled, clutching him so he didn't drop me.

  "Kind of," he panted, dropping onto a lounge chair. He pulled me down with him, sitting me on his lap.

  Curving over, I kissed him until we were desperate. The moon came out from behind the clouds, brightening Skyler's face. I told him I loved him, and then I showed him.