“Nothing I’m going to tell you about,” she shot back. “Do I look like an idiot?”
Rob snorted. “I call shenanigans.”
“Okay, Kyle.” If anyone was going to be familiar with South Park, it would be this group.
“You watch South Park? My opinion of you just went up about a million times.”
Rob actually appeared to be dumbstruck and Sarah grinned, shaking her head. “Let’s hear what Sebastian has to say.”
“You guys are going to laugh at me too, but that’s okay. I’m a rookie, so I’m used to it.”
She laughed along with Rob and Nikolai at Sebastian’s mock heavy tone.
“One night, I invited a cute girl to watch me play in a game. I was doing moves in warm-ups, trying to impress her, when I tripped over the puck and crashed into the boards. She and her friends all laughed and pointed. My teammates also laughed. My face was bright red. I mean, who trips over a puck? It was horrible. She never talked to me again.”
It was pretty difficult not to at least smile after listening to the story, but Sarah managed not to openly laugh, unlike Rob, who was getting a huge chuckle out of the whole thing.
After motioning for everyone to stop talking, Rob read the next question: “What was leaving home to play hockey like for you? Aww, he’s trying to tug at our heartstrings. Jon is such a sensitive man.”
The rest of them groaned.
Rob answered the question, then Nikolai, who told them about leaving Russia and moving to the United States. Sarah couldn’t imagine leaving everything she knew and going somewhere she didn’t even speak the language.
“I’ll answer about leaving for college. For me, it was fine. I know a lot of people missed home, but I was happy to get out of there. Not that I hate my family or anything, but there was so much I wanted to experience.”
Sebastian said, “I was lucky. I played juniors about thirty kilometers from where I grew up, so I lived at home. I came to play in Rochester when I was twenty, and that was the first time I left home. I’m the oldest and close to my parents, especially my dad, so that was not easy. But I got busy with hockey and everything got better. The hardest part was learning to do laundry. I hate laundry.”
“I don’t know anyone who likes laundry,” Sarah pointed out.
Everyone laughed.
Rob said, “The last question is ‘What is the thing you fear most?’”
Rob surprised everybody by admitting he was afraid of mice. He explained how when he was little he’d been on a camping trip, sleeping on the floor of a cabin, and a bunch of mice had run over his sleeping bag. He said he screamed and cried and refused to sleep on the floor and that mice still gave him the heebie-jeebies.
Shuddering as he spoke, he said, “And that’s a real fear, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t laugh.”
“We would never laugh at something like that, Rob. We’re your friends,” Sebastian said, and Sarah and Nikolai nodded in agreement.
“I am afraid my parents will never leave Russia. I want them to live with me. I am only back in Russia in the summer, but I see all the bad things. My parents have a hard life, but they love Russia,” Nikolai said.
Sarah couldn’t even fathom what Nikolai was gone through with his parents, but sympathized with him.
It was her turn next. She stared at the ground in front of her to hide the fear. “I’m scared I’m going to be attacked again,” she said, her voice cracking.
The guys gasped.
No doubt they weren’t expecting to hear something like that, but her old therapist had said the best way to get past the attack was to talk about it. For some reason she trusted these guys. They wouldn’t spread the story around or break her confidence. Besides that, the therapist had told her time and time again that being able to talk about the attack with people who cared about her would be a good thing. She hadn’t known these guys long, but she was confident they cared about her, at least a little bit.
A single tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away. Taking a deep breath, she revisited the past.
Sarah was on top of the world. She’d just finished and submitted her latest research project to the Journal of Applied Mathematics. If the work was chosen, it would be the first time she’d be featured in a major academic publication. She’d been working for eighteen straight hours to get it wrapped up. Some of her schoolmates were going to a bar to celebrate, and though she didn’t drink often and was exhausted to boot, she agreed to accompany them.
As soon as they arrived, a vodka and cranberry juice was thrust in front of her, and since she didn’t like beer, she accepted the drink. It went down easy and her friend and colleague Liam ordered her another.
He was interested in her, but she’d been too focused on work to pursue anything. Maybe now that she was done with her latest project, they could get to know each other better.
A few of the female grad students dragged her onto the dance floor and they danced for a while. It felt so good to let go, to not worry about equations or theorems or the complicated process of journal submissions. After a few songs, Sarah returned to her seat, flushed and sweaty, and the coolness of the drink waiting for her was welcome.
Her stomach grumbled. Earlier, she’d been in too much of a hurry to take the time to get down more than a granola bar. When she asked about food, the bartender said the kitchen had closed for the night. There was no food at her apartment, and the thought of trucking to a grocery store wasn’t appealing, nor was the idea of fast food.
Her stomach rumbled again and she decided she’d better go forage for food elsewhere. Before she did, she went to the bathroom, swaying just a little as she rose from the bar stool.
Upon returning to the table, another drink sat in front of her place. Liam cajoled her into staying a while longer, and before she knew it, she’d downed a third drink as she and Liam and a couple of the other postdoc fellows talked about plans for the summer.
With three drinks and little food in her, she was in no condition to drive, but didn’t want to walk alone. Liam offered to go with her and they said their good-byes.
He walked her home and helped her into her apartment, coming in after her. Within seconds he had her pinned underneath him and was pulling at her clothes. She fought, but between exhaustion and the alcohol, she was no match for him.
Liam ignored her struggle, and when he breached her, everything shut down inside. She stopped fighting. It was no use.
Soon after he finished, she passed out, not coming to until he rolled or flipped her onto her stomach. He was lying on top of her back, pressing her into the couch with his weight. She begged him to stop, but he laughed, telling her she wanted it as badly as he did or she wouldn’t have accepted the drinks at the bar and flirted with him.
After what seemed like forever, he left and she curled into a ball. The panic rose as she tried desperately to squelch the screaming in her head, but it wouldn’t go away. She stayed in that position all night, terrified he would return.
She shuddered violently, only looking up when Nikolai put an arm around her. Sarah sent him a grateful, but sad smile, willing herself not to cry, but she couldn’t stop the shaking and Nikolai pulled her in tighter.
Recounting the entire horrific night had been insanely hard, but she was glad she’d done it. It was the first time she’d told someone other than close friends like Marcy, a fellow postdoc from Cornell, about it, and a brief wave of relief rolled through her.
“I never even turned him in. I know now it wasn’t my fault, but at the time… Plus, he was a respected up-and-coming researcher and the center where I worked was a small place. So in truth, I made two mistakes: letting him get me drunk and then not turning him in after he attacked me.”
It hadn’t been easy to admit her lapse in judgment, but it was obvious the guys were angry and upset on her behalf and she felt closer to them for having taken the leap of faith. Rob shook his head like he couldn’t believe the incident had happened, then swore softly
and looked away, his mouth drawn into a tight line. Sebastian’s fists were clenched in his lap and his eyes were shiny, as if he was trying to hold off tears himself. He mouthed, “Are you okay?”
She nodded and was relieved when he let it go. Now that she’d told them the story, she wanted to forget about the ghastly incident. Dwelling on it wouldn’t change what had happened—it wouldn’t do a damn thing to fix or erase that night. She needed to focus on the good things in her life or the attack would define her forever.
After a moment, Sebastian nodded, seemingly to himself, took a deep breath then said, “My friend and teammate in juniors died in a car accident. There was a blizzard, but he was trying to get home to his girlfriend. I still hate driving in snowstorms. It was a bad time for all of us.”
Sarah wanted to reach out to him but knew she couldn’t. If only they’d met under different circumstances. Right now they both needed comfort but couldn’t get it. He seemed to feel the same way, if the furtive glances he kept casting in her direction were any indication.
****
Out of sorts from the question-and-answer session, Sebastian went for a walk to get some exercise and blow off steam. When Sarah had started describing that horrible day, he’d had to force himself not to reach for her. His hands had itched to take away the abject fear he’d heard in her voice.
Pain shot through his arms. Once again, he’d clenched his fists to the point his knuckles were white. He needed to calm down before the obstacle course challenge. She didn’t need to know he wanted to choke that Liam guy until the man turned blue. He’d scare the hell out of her, and the last thing she needed right now was to be scared.
A fierce need to protect her rose in his chest, but at least thinking about holding Sarah in his arms enabled him to think about something other than her being attacked.
The walk relieved some of his tension, and later, the blue team, which he and Sarah were both on, along with a bunch of others, competed against the gold team on the obstacle course. Sarah, an expression of determination on her face, seemed to have recovered from the Introductions Game, and though he still wanted to fold her in his arms and never let go, he squelched the desire. In the middle of the obstacle course was not a good time to get distracted.
Working together, their team won the challenge by a few seconds. As they celebrated, they smashed together in a typical hockey group hug. Sarah, a few inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter than the smallest guy on the team, got jostled in the middle of the scrum. Sebastian grabbed her around the waist and picked her up, molding her body to his to shield her. Panic clear in her eyes, she pushed against his grip, and with no small measure of regret, he lowered her to the ground.
Sebastian squirmed as a rush of adrenaline, which had nothing to do with the obstacle course or needing to guard her and everything to do with the heat of their bodies melding together, surged through him. He was a jerk, getting aroused when she was uncomfortable with him—or probably any man right now, so soon after her confession—touching her, but she had that effect on him. She’d insisted they couldn’t be together, but his feelings were deepening and he didn’t know what to do.
A wave of anxiety stole over him. What if he didn’t even make the team? He might never see her again.
The possibility shook him to the core.
As training camp drew to a close, the time arrived for the roster to be pared to the final twenty-three players. Sebastian’s stomach churned at the possibility of being sent back to the minors. They had already dismissed the college and junior players and put two others on waivers. He’d done his best and could only hope it was good enough.
The entire team was on edge. Even the veterans who were assured of a spot milled around. Finally, they gathered everybody together in the stands and announced the roster.
When Sebastian heard his name on the list, a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. As a big grin broke out, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His teammates congratulated him, and after accepting heaps of backslapping, he excused himself.
He had to see Sarah, to talk to her. There was no one he wanted to celebrate with more than her. His parents were the only other people he wanted to tell, and even they would have to wait until later.
He’d spent the last couple of weeks finding reasons to stop by her office and defending her methods to some of the guys. With a shiver, he fully comprehended for the first time how important Sarah was to him.
He found her in her office watching video with her back to the door. He charged in, kicking the door shut behind him. She whirled in her chair, her hand flying up to cover her heart. “Sebastian, you scared me!” Her eyebrows drew down. “What?”
“They announced the final roster and I am on it. Did you have anything to do with that?” He was torn between wanting to know she went to bat for him and hoping she hadn’t had to.
“No. Jon and Keith solely were responsible for the final decisions. Doug and I gave them our analysis on each player, but that’s it.” Her eyes narrowed. “Why?”
Sebastian skirted the desk and pulled her out of her chair. “I wanted to know if the attraction between us affected you enough that you said something in my favor.” He bracketed her waist in his hands, marveling that his fingers nearly touched.
“No, Sebastian, I didn’t say anything special about you. That wouldn’t have been right.”
“But you can’t tell me you don’t feel this.”
Her gaze shifted away from his for a moment before returning. “I never said that.”
A flash of desire stole through him and he closed his eyes, praying for control. For him, this was more than just sexual attraction; he wanted to learn more about her. He loved being near her.
Sebastian opened his eyes and trapped Sarah between the wall and himself. She was so close he could see every detail, every little nuance in her expression. Want for her smoldered and flamed as his breath caught in his throat. Despite the ache pulsing in his chest, he tried to keep calm as he drank her in—everything from the delicate curve of her jaw to her eyes, those incredible eyes that were true windows to her soul.
Sarah didn’t take her gaze off him either, as if trying to preserve his features in her mind. Then she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, his nostrils flared at the heat blazing in her gaze.
It was clear she was fighting the urge to take this thing further, just like he was. She shared his feelings, and he had to resist jumping up and down and screaming it to the world. That would definitely not win points with her.
Unable to stop himself, he leaned still closer, sweeping his hands completely around her to hold her body flush to his. She melted in his arms as waves of attraction shook him. Her soft curves were heaven beneath his hands and his control slipped.
Surely his hardness pressing into her belly was obvious, but he didn’t care. He wanted her. When she peered up at him again, he groaned, the battle lost, and kissed her.
Sebastian felt like he’d bottled lightning as he took ownership of her mouth, pushing his tongue into her mouth, sweeping in frantic strokes. Then, wanting to explore as much of her as he could all at once, his hands were roving over her body, never stopping in one place. His erection twitched as he continued to kiss her.
He groaned again. He needed more.
He pulled back long enough to utter, “J'ai besoin de tes baisers. I need your kisses.”
He nibbled on her bottom lip. “J'ai besoin de tu. I need you.”
As desire threatened to overtake him, he tilted her head to continue his assault. She grasped his shoulders, her nails biting into his flesh, and moaned into his mouth. He let out a growl.
After too short a time, she pulled away, her eyes wide with regret.
A humorless smile tugged at his lips as he stepped back. “I know I wasn’t supposed to do that,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion, “but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t. Tu me fais le sentir fou.” He shuddered. “Merde. You make me feel crazy.”
He turned away, picked up her stapler, set it back down, and then raked his hands through his hair so he wouldn’t touch her again. Sebastian never wanted her to feel threatened by him. He’d rather cut off his shooting arm.
“Je pense à toi tout le temps. God, I think about you all the time,” he said then bolted out the door. As he rushed down the hall, he considered what he’d done. He hadn’t wanted that to happen.
Dammit, that isn’t true.
Sebastian couldn’t deny he’d wanted to finally taste her, but not like that, so rushed and in the middle of her office. Even so, he couldn’t regret it. He had gotten a taste of paradise and now craved more. If luck was on his side, he’d have the entire season to get his fill of Sarah.
Chapter Five
Sarah threw herself into the world of an NHL season: sleeping at odd times, eating a whole lot of chicken and pasta with the team before every game, and always being on the go. Despite not taking to the new sleep schedule very well, she was having the time of her life.
After one of the first road trips, her phone rang, waking her from a deep sleep. Caller ID showed “Marcy” a so she picked up, stifling a yawn. “Hello?”
“Sarah?”
“Yeah.” She squinted to see the time. Eight-thirty at night. I don’t even remember lying down on the couch.
As Sarah struggled to wakefulness, Marcy caught her up on the gossip around Cornell. Sarah in turn told her the latest about the guys and her job.
Knowing she needed some perspective on this Sebastian thing, she confessed all that had happened recently, including that crazy make-out session in her office, the internal video of which played in her head on “Repeat.”
“So am I sick to want him? I am, aren’t I?”
“No, you’re not sick,” Marcy said. “Why would you think so? It’s a natural reaction. You’re only human.”
“Because I work for the team and I’m ten years older than him. It feels wrong on so many levels.” But still turns me on.
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