Torn (Torn Heart)

by Brewer, Annie

  Jackson stifles a laugh. “Okay, I didn’t mean for you to hurt yourself in the process.”

  I rub my knee and climb up. “Shut up and give me some damn fruit.” I sit on the blanket across from him, it’s fuzzy and soft and nice under my butt.

  He pats the space closer to him and I move automatically. “So, what did you talk to your mom about?”

  He hands me a bunch of grapes. I pick them off one by one and eat. “I asked about this weekend. We’re good to go.” He gives me thumbs up. “Oh, yeah and she knows we’re sleeping together.”

  He leans back. “And?”

  “And nothing. I told her we are because I wasn’t gonna lie to her. She asked point blank. But she just asked that we be careful.”

  “Always.”

  “Yep. No matter what, we’ll always be careful.” He gives me a banana, after he peels it of course.

  I look at it and then at him with a look that he doesn’t need explaining. “I didn’t peel it for you. I peeled it for me first. But then decided to give it to you.”

  “Clever.” He hands me a soda and I open it. “Thanks. So, what do you think of this newfound info we got on Mon and Jake?”

  I’m not sure why I asked that question. It made me sound like I’m gossiping. But I’m curious about his take on the situation. He looks up to the sky, glancing here and there. “I’m happy for them. I mean, it’s obviously a big change in their lives. But if they’re gonna go through it together, then it’s really good for them.”

  “Do you want kids?” I blurt without thinking. I clamp my mouth shut and look away.

  He reaches over and brings my chin toward him so I have to look at him. “If you’re asking if I want kids in general, no.” I widen my eyes, uncertain what to say. “But if you’re asking if I want kids with you, then…definitely.” He grins, stuffing his face watching my reaction.

  “You think about kids with me?” Not that I haven’t thought that far ahead. Well, I used to fantasize about us having kids and a big house with a white picket fence, but that’s way into the future. Tell him your plans.

  “Sky, I think about our future. I want to be the guy who makes all your dreams come true. And part of my dream is to give you a baby. Of course, that won’t happen now. But someday, when we’re ready, I wanna have a family with you.” I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “What do you think about New York?”

  “The state?” I nod. “Eh, it’s okay. I don’t mind visiting there. But I think it’s too cold for my taste. I’d love to go to California, though.” Well, there goes that conversation. “Babe, are you okay?” I tilt my head but soon the mush of my banana falls into my lap. And I take notice of the big mess between my fingers. I shake my hand off, realizing I just destroyed a perfectly good piece of fruit. I frown. Jackson reaches for my hand and takes my fingers into his mouth, wiping clean of all banana goo. It was pretty erotic and I sit here staring at him, his mouth and my fingers. When it’s all gone, he licks his lips and makes a slurping sound. “All clean.”

  I swallow hard, “Thanks.”

  “So, what’s on your mind?” I sit, dazed. I have to get New York out of my head, before I ruin this perfectly perfect night.

  I file away that conversation for another day. “I’m excited about our first ever road trip as adults.”

  He scoots his body down, lying on his stomach. “Me too. It’ll be an adventure.” I take a drink of my soda. He asks, “Have you ever been kissed in the rain?”

  I look at him in confusion, “I’ve never been kissed. Except by you.” I add, a little embarrassed for some reason.

  “I know, I just meant, would you like to be? Sorry I totally worded that wrong.” I nod. I love the rain kisses I’ve read about in my books. They’re so sensual and passionate. “Well, you’re in luck.” He looks up at the sky, and that’s when a couple of raindrops fall. It’s been raining off and on these past few days. I guess it’s about to be on, now. “I wanna kiss you in a downpour.”

  I whip my head in his direction, “So I can catch pneumonia?” I joke, seriously.

  “No, so I can take care of you.” I roll my eyes. “Cliché, I know. But really, it’s hot. And by the way, we’d both get pneumonia, so I doubt I’d be well enough to take care of you. But it’d be worth it.”

  “You’re so hot when you talk like that.” I say, inching closer to him.

  He watches me, waiting for my next move. I reach his mouth and hold his face between my hands, staring into the depths of his irises. With the light illuminating his features, I can see flecks of gold. But I also catch need behind his gaze. He pulls me closer, under, so he’s on top of me. His hands wander down the side of my body, making me squirm in pleasure.

  Our hands, mouths and tongues are deliciously tangled in each other; exploring, sucking, caressing until we’re panting. I groan deep in my throat when his hand slips inside my pants exploring my region.

  “I love that sound.” Jackson kisses my belly and I gasp loudly as his finger dips inside me. My head falls back and my eyes drift shut; concentrating on the pleasure he’s giving me. Oh my God.

  I bite my lip hard to keep a scream from erupting. “Holy crap!” His mouth travels up my shirt to my breast and takes in a nipple, flicking it with his tongue. “Jackson-“

  I’m actually writhing at this point, and wonder if we should finish this at my house. Or his, may be more appropriate.

  My hand slips in his pants and rubs against the skin at his groin. He moans. “Fuck, I want inside you right now.” I smile against him, tracing my tongue down over his chest and stomach. “Sky,”

  “Your house.” I agree.

  He shakes his head, “I’ve got a blanket to cover us.” And then he thinks about it and sighs. “But no condom. Damn, I guess I don’t think of everything.”

  I straddle his hips and rub against him while he holds my buttocks. “It’s okay; we’ll finish this at your house. We’ll have more privacy.” I kiss him hard, “And we won’t risk getting sick.”

  “Sounds like a dream.” His voice is husky and sexy as hell. “Let’s go.” We grab the blanket and throw the remains of our snack away. As we start walking, the rain pours down on us. He glances at me, “Huh,” He says to himself. I just keep walking, until I’m wrenched back and against his body, he kisses me so hard, my lips, swollen. He pulls away. “Now you’ve been kissed in the rain.” He starts walking again with a satisfied grin on his face. I’m left watching him in surprise or shock or something I can’t quite put my finger on. But damn, he’s sexy all wet. I finally snap out of my momentary stupor and follow him. My body’s screaming and I can’t get there fast enough.

  ****

  Well, I was supposed to go to Dallas this weekend with Jackson. We should’ve been there by now. Instead I’m laid out in bed with a stomach virus and I’m miserable. I told Jackson that our trip would be cancelled and I cried like a baby. But he understood and said there’s a reason we weren’t meant to go. Still, what a load of crap.

  I grab my phone and make a call. “This book is so freaking sad, Monica.” Tears are pouring down my cheeks and I feel like death.

  Monica chuckles on the other end. “I told you. You can imagine what I was like with more wacked out emotions. Poor Jake didn’t know what to do or how to help me.”

  I lay the book on my chest and close my eyes. “I feel like I’m dying.” I exaggerate, though it’s close to the truth. “I mean between the book and my need to run to the toilet.” Tears prick my eyes. “I’m gonna get some sleep.”

  “Okay, hope you feel better, Hun. And let me know when you finish it.” She says before hanging up.

  Sometime later when I’m awake, the door opens. Jackson pops in with a bowl of something I can’t see. “I brought you some soup.” Oh, soup it is. I doubt I’d be able to keep it down. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

  He sits down on my bed, but far away. I laugh at his caution. “How’re you feeling?”

  I hug my pillo
w for comfort as I gaze at him, miserably. “You mean besides ruining our weekend? Pretty lousy.”

  “It’s fine, shit happens. We’ll get other chances to go. And maybe then, I’ll take you someplace better.” Like New York? I want to ask, but bite my tongue. “But really, I mean physically.”

  “I’m still very weak and in need of a trashcan next to my bed. This sucks. I haven’t been sick in years.”

  “You’ll get over this crap. Just get some rest, babe.” He lifts off the bed and barely kisses my forehead. But it’s enough to feel his warmth and comfort.”

  “Jackson?”

  He stops just outside my door and waits.

  I hesitate a minute. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

  He smiles warmly grabbing the door handle, “I’d do anything for you, Sky.” He shuts my door. And part of me knows this. But the other part wonders if it’ll always be true.

  Chapter 23

  Jackson

  The weeks fly by. We’re getting ready for mid-terms and Christmas break. I’ve talked to my coach recently and dropped out of the team. I was sick of looking at Daniel knowing the shit he pulled yet he didn’t get in trouble for it. But it’s fine because I got a job instead. Since I’ll have PM off, I’ll be working to save up for a place for Skylar and me. We need to be together; this separation every night is killing me. I wanna wake up with her in my arms every morning and fall asleep after a sweaty but amazing love-making session every night.

  I just haven’t told my dad, yet. I know it’s gonna hurt him when he realizes I don’t want the dream anymore. I have my own dream, a better one.

  “What’s going on son?” He joins me on the porch swing and my nerves twist in my stomach.

  “I wanted to talk to you about football.” He’s quietly listening. “I quit the team.” Silence. I take a long drag of my cigarette, desperate for noise, words, something. Another drag, my leg bounces up and down like I’m on speed and can’t sit still.

  I chance a glance at him and wonder what he’s thinking. “I’m sorry dad, but it’s not working out for me. I know you wanted me to be this big-time football player and I thought I wanted that too.” I breathe. “But I never wanted it for myself.”

  His hand falls to my leg, stopping the rapid movement. “It’s okay, son. I get it. This is about you living your dream. I’m sorry I put pressure on you to fulfill a goal that you never wanted. I’m glad you’re following your heart though.”

  “I got a job at an auto shop working on cars. Mick needed help and Jake told him I needed a job.” He smiles proudly. “I’m saving up for an apartment with Skylar.”

  “Does she know this?”

  I shake my head. “I’m gonna surprise her.”

  “You really love her, don’t you?” I nod, enthusiastically. “I always knew it. I’ve always loved her like a daughter. I’m so glad you have each other.” He gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “You’re a great young man, Jackson. I’m proud of you.” He stands up and gives me a small smile crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t ever be sorry for going after what you want. You’ll just regret it if you don’t.” He leaves me alone and I can’t help but wonder if that comment was a hidden meaning of sorts.

  “Hey, dad?” I catch him as he pulls on the door. He stops and turns back to me. “It’s because of you that I’m the way I am. You’ve taught me a lot about being a responsible and caring person. So thank you, for not running out on us.” His eyes mist over a bit. And so do mine. I don’t admit it, but I sometimes wonder why my mom left us, most of all, my father. He’s got such a big heart. He would’ve given her the world if she asked him too. And because of what he taught me, I’m gonna do the same for Skylar. “One more thing, you should get out and date. You don’t wanna end up alone, you deserve happiness dad.”

  “Look at you all wise.” He wipes his eyes. “I’ll think about it.” Well, it’s better than nothing.

  ***

  Sitting in English class, I find my thoughts wandering away from the boring lesson and think about Skylar. With her face in my mind, I smile and take out my phone to discreetly send a text. I miss her. I need to see her, talk to her about the monotonous things in life; and really I just want to be with her. I fucking miss her and I can’t put up this charade any longer. I crave her body against mine, her hands around my waist, her mouth on mine. It’s driving me crazy.

  I’m working most weekends and weeknights. I only see her at school for a short time. But it’s not enough. I know it’ll be worth it in the end, but still. I set my phone down and flip through the pics on my camera. She snatched my phone many times when I wasn’t looking and took some of her…and one of me asleep. Which I of course, deleted.

  I smile at one she took of us on the merry-go-round, sitting side by side and looking completely in love. God, I’d be lost without her. Come to think of it, I was lost without her. Being with Amber was just a way to hide everything I wanted in life. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for her, or caring enough or loving, attentive. When in reality, it was the opposite. I never loved Amber, but in the beginning, I thought I saw someone I could be with. Someone who’d share my love of sports and fears and fantasies. But she never opened up to me, never wanted to make me happy or cared if I was satisfied in every department. It was always about what she wanted.

  I’m glad for that, though. She was shallow, I was shallow. Together, we were a bad mix.

  My phone vibrates and my heart does a jive when I see her name come up.

  Skylar: I miss you. Thank God for Winter break. We need to spend a night together.

  I smile, knowing damn well she’s right and my body reacts at the thought of us together in bed for a night. I text her back right away.

  Me: You read my mind.

  Unfortunately, she doesn’t know I’m working and it’s hard to get time off. Damn, this sucks!

  Skylar: Let’s plan then…

  Me: We’ll talk about it tonight. We’re having dinner with your mom and Brandon, remember?

  Skylar: Oh yeah, boo. Just kidding. See you after school. We’ll talk then.

  Rose started dating a guy at her clinic recently. We met him once. He’s about her age, maybe a year older? Hell, I don’t remember. But he’s pretty nice and seems caring. We were pretty astonished when she announced that she was dating at all. Not that we expect wedding bells anytime soon.

  When the bell rings, I’m confronted by Daniel. He looks pissed, but what the fuck did I do? I walk past him, ignoring my pulse quickening, until he grabs my arm and twists me around.

  I clench my fists, raising them in front of me, defense mode, “Motherfucker! You touch me again and I’ll go to the God damn cops about your stunt at the game.” People are stopping in the halls, taking notice of our altercation.

  “And say what? That you think I did it on purpose? They’ll think it was just a result of the concussion. You don’t know what really happened.”

  “Step off. Step. The fuck. Off.”

  “Jackson?” Skylar’s worried voice stops me from beating the shit out of him right this second. I look at her, relieved to see her and yet ashamed she has to witness my volatile side. “What’s going on?”

  “Your boy here seems to think I gave him that concussion at the game. He’s such a douche.”

  I whip my head up at him and clench my jaw. “Don’t talk to her. Ever.”

  “Whatever. I just wanted to say that you’re gonna get your ass handed to you next time I see you. Apparently you hit Amber?”

  Shock registers on my face, followed by dread and then spitfire anger. “She said I hit her?” I remember talking to her one day in the parking lot after she chased me down. All I did was ask her to leave me alone. I said I wanted nothing to do with her, but I never once laid a finger on her. Son of a bitch.

  “He’d never hit a girl.” Skylar comes to my defense. “Never in his life. He hated guys that did.” She glares at him.

  He steps closer to her, so do I. “You d
on’t know shit, little lady.” He sizes her up suggestively and my nails bite into my palms, aiming for control of the anger surging through me. “You’re not bad to look at, if you’d actually put some makeup on.”

  I step between them and notice a teacher coming toward us. “Back off, Daniel. I won’t think twice before knocking the living shit out of you.”

  “Oh, one more thing,” He says to Skylar. “Did your boy tell you he quit the team? What a coward!” He shakes his head, laughing and stalks off.

  “Is everything alright here?” One of the teachers approaches us. I just shake my head, feeling slightly woozy. I don’t glance at her yet; afraid she’s mad that I hadn’t told her. That son of a bitch needs to shut the fuck up.

  I start walking off, hoping she’d follow me. But don’t expect this. “Did you?” Is the first question out of her mouth and I don’t know which question she’s referring to. “Hit Amber?”

  I whirl around and stop in front of her when she doesn’t expect it. She smacks into me, and quickly moves back. Her eyes wide. My adrenaline is already in high gear but that question pisses me off more than anything else. Seriously? “I don’t know what I’m more pissed about; The fact that you’d actually consider me being abusive, or the fact that you’d believe anything coming from Daniel’s mouth. Really Skylar, thanks for thinking so highly of me.” I walk away, clenching my fists. God, I need a cigarette. I need to calm down.

  She storms after me, equally unhappy. “I wasn’t insinuating that you actually did. I was just-“

  “What? Why would you even think that I’d hit anyone? As long as you’ve known me, have you ever seen or heard of me hit a girl? You know my dad taught me respect. Fuck!” I shout and throw open my door with so much force I’m surprised it didn’t break off its hinges. When I find my cigarettes, I quickly light up, almost dropping it in the process and burning myself. I breathe deep breaths, closing my eyes and wait for my resolve.