by Carol Oates
Caleb stared down at the picture with a wistful expression. I wondered if I’d said something to upset him. He closed his eyes lost in reflection. I lifted my hand to his face and turned him to me. His eyes opened, but he was still far away. It was obvious he was lost in thought, and it made my heart ache for him. Finally, his eyes cleared and he started to speak again as if nothing had happened.
Of course you’re right, he said, but as it turned out, Bres was a traitor to his own people.
How?
That’s another story completely. He smiled.
I scowled up at him.
I will tell you that story too, Caleb conceded, but not today. I tried to relax my expression so he wouldn’t see my irritation. I’d agreed not to push him, but I wasn’t sure how that applied to fiction.
Back to the story, he went on, his voice making butterflies flutter in my stomach. Bres didn’t find the sword; it only reappeared years later. Caleb closed the book and picked up the large square paperback he had also taken out, swapping them over and placing the leather book on the ottoman. He flicked through the pages and eventually opened the book wide. Here. He offered it to me.
I unwound my hands from his arm and took the book, laying it across my lap. It lay opened to a picture of a sword almost identical to the last.
The only differences were in the artist’s style, and the fact that the sword’s name wasn’t written below it.
And? I asked, still in the dark about the epiphany I was obviously supposed to be having, judging by the way Caleb was gazing at me knowingly.
He grinned and closed the book on my lap, and my eyes widened slightly.
The title read The Legends of Arthur and Merlin.
It’s a tourist book I picked up in England some years ago. It contains copies of illustrations from as far back as the fourteenth and fifteenth century.
Are you saying Arthur was one of these god people? I gasped, flicking through the pages of the book.
No, of course not. Caleb laughed like the concept was ridiculous.
Merlin was.
I wrinkled my nose skeptically. Oh, okay —
His laughter stopped short, and his lips pressed into a hard line as he searched through the pages of the book he had just taken from me, finding the picture of the sword again.
Look, Caleb said, his jaw clenched as though he were forcing himself to get through this whether he wanted to or not. He pointed down at the illustration, jabbing sharply at the glossy page. Both swords were said to emanate light, both were said to be indestructible to any known forces, and both battle scabbards were said to protect the bearer, so why not?
Is this what you do? I joked, glancing at the picture again. Are you one of those guys who dress up and go online to play Dungeons and Dragons? Caleb took the book from me and slammed it shut between his palms with a thud. Never mind, he grumbled darkly.
It bothered him that I dismissed his theories so easily. I didn’t know anything about ancient relics, so for all I knew he was probably right about the two swords being the same. But at the very least, I could listen to him talk about a subject he was obviously passionate about.
I placed my hand tentatively on his forearm. I’m sorry. Please tell me more.
No, he barked.
Please, Caleb, I pleaded. I really want to hear the rest. I really did, because for me to have triggered such a strong reaction, there must be more to this story. Maybe it was an analogy, or maybe he was trying to tell me something else completely, but I was pretty sure he had a reason for making me listen to all this. Please, I begged again, gazing up at him sweetly from under my eyelashes.
He grimaced at me before sighing. Okay. He was almost as defenseless against my pleading tone as I was against his. That was good to know.
So how did the sword get in the stone?
Caleb pursed his lips and studied my expression. Merlin placed it there. I narrowed my eyes. So you’re saying Merlin really did exist and that he was a god?
He was an earthly descendant of a god, yes. Some books tell of his birth, that he was born after his mother had an encounter with a being that resembled a human but was in fact not. Some even say his father was a demon.
A demon! Soul mates, heaven, and now demons.
He wasn’t a demon, he scoffed. And his mother wasn’t human. My breath caught. I didn’t believe in the boogieman as a child or read fairytales, even if I’d found my own Prince Charming. Caleb, this all goes a bit over my head, I admitted. I gestured, waving my hand over the book.
I’ve never heard any of this stuff before not that it’s not interesting! I hastened to assure him. It’s just that you take it all so seriously, almost like you think it’s real and I
Caleb blinked and stared at me. The puzzled look on his face was enough to stop me speaking in mid-sentence. Almost like I think it’s real? he said blankly. What else would it be?
I laughed uncomfortably. See, that’s what I mean, I said, trying to keep my tone light. I didn’t want to offend him if he was really into this mythology stuff. You say things like that, but you have to let me catch up.
I don’t know anything about ancient swords, and obviously I don’t believe in magic. Nobody believes in that anymore — I trailed off, feeling stupid.
I should just let this go. Who cared if he was obsessed with some old sword that didn’t exist? Everyone had a hobby of some sort.
Caleb looked at me incredulously. You don’t believe in magic?
No, I mumbled, twisting on the sofa to look at him. He pushed away from me and stalked across the room to look out the window. His shoulders were tense, but his back was to me so I couldn’t see his face.
There have always been mysteries, since the dawning of time — Things that no human has been able to explain, he said. Magic isn’t all about spel’s and potions. How do you explain us? All of the billions of people floating around on the planet, how do you explain how you and I found each other? I went over to him and pressed my forehead to his back, slipping my hands under his arms and around his chest. His heart pounded against my hand. I inhaled deeply, taking his scent into me.
I can’t, I admitted. I couldn’t begin to explain how my feelings for Caleb continued to grow the longer I spent around him or why I couldn’t stand to be even a few feet away from him.
He lifted one arm and with the other pulled me around to his chest and held me tightly. Well, then, try and have a little faith. His voice was persuasive, though he paused for a brief moment, and then sighed sadly.
I pulled back and looked up to him, tracing my fingertip over the soft shape of his full lips. It made my heart jump, and I smiled. Caleb smiled too, his eyes lighting up.
You have to finish the story, I said, trying to show him that I really was trying to keep up. If you don’t, it would be like watching the beginning of a movie and never finding out how it ends. He laughed at my comparison. I’m sure you’ve already heard the story of Merlin.
Not the way you tell it, I offered brightly, a compensation for interrupting him.
He brushed his lips against mine and took my hand, leading me back to the sofa. I was a bit wobbly; even the lightest kiss could do that. He moved the book to the ottoman and pulled me down on top of him. I leaned my back against his chest. Caleb put one leg up on the sofa and wrapped his arms around me.
Merlin traveled extensively and found the sword in Greece, where it had been left for safe keeping. Nobody knows how, exactly He paused, thinking for a moment. He was already a leader to his own people, but he was ambitious and craved more power power over all mankind. He kissed my hair before continuing. When he returned to England, he hand-picked the child, Arthur. Knowing his reputation as an alchemist had spread and he himself would never be accepted as a rightful heir to the throne, he used a spell to place the sword in the stone, allowing Arthur to claim the kingdom —
So Merlin used Arthur? I asked, gazing at his long fingers and smooth rounded nails, treading mine through them, making steeples then
flatting my palm against his.
Yes, he used him to control as many humans as possible. But like all power-hungry people, no matter how much control he gained, he always wanted more. The other leaders of his kind grew weary of his constant attempts to overthrow them, and eventually they dealt with him and he was replaced. They were not people to trifle with. He spent his remaining years a prisoner, trapped in stone. Fitting, really. He laughed once, blackly.
I shuddered. The way Caleb relayed the story it did almost sound real. I found myself getting caught up in the way he told it with such fervor. So what happened to the sword?
Some books say it was destroyed, Caleb said, but I don’t believe that.
It would take someone very special to do that. I think it’s still out there somewhere, but no one really knows.
I frowned and sighed. Caleb tightened his arms around me.
And the others? The ones like Merlin, what happened to them? I couldn’t believe I was asking.
They’re around, he replied flatly.
It was deathly quiet for an excruciating minute, only the sound of the fire crackling, and then I giggled. You almost had me going there. I almost believed the entire thing.
Caleb chuckled, his warm breath brushed the side of my cheek making me shiver, and I snuggled back into him, twisting my body so I could lie against his chest and listen to his heart.
Are you cold? Caleb whispered against my hair.
No, I murmured. I’ve never been better.
I must have fallen asleep then, enclosed in his arms with his heartbeat lulling me. When I woke, breathing in his smell, the flickering fire had almost faded completely. Caleb’s breathing was so quiet, if it hadn’t been for the slow rising and falling of his chest, I wouldn’t have been sure he was breathing at all. I shifted carefully, trying not to disturb him from his peaceful slumber.
You’re very beautiful when you sleep, he whispered, stroking my hair.
So much for not waking him.
I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to wake you. I repositioned myself so I could rest my chin on my hands and look up to him. The room was dim, and I could see his face, but not as clearly as I would have liked.
It’s okay; I’m more of a night person anyway. He smiled, sending his fragrant breath over my face.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. What time is it? I asked lazily before opening my eyes again.
It’s past one in the morning. Happy New Year. I pushed myself up sharply to look at him. I’d forgotten it was New Year’s Eve. Time didn’t seem to have any meaning here; the only time that counted now was the time I spent away from Caleb.
It is, I agreed, grinning and curling myself into him again as I stifled a yawn.
Time for bed, Caleb said in a hushed voice as he kissed my hair.
I didn’t want to move an inch. Being with Caleb right there was like one of the fairytales I’d never believed in, my very own happy ending. I desperately wanted to hang onto it just a little longer. He was my knight in shining armor, come to whisk me away into the sunset well, London, but sunset sounded better in my head.
No, I moaned. I’m not tired. Let’s just stay here a bit longer — Then I yawned again. Caleb’s chest rattled underneath me when he chuckled.
Tell me another story, I pleaded, trying to stretch the moment out further. Not that I had any intention of allowing him to leave me alone in the enormous bed in his bedroom, unless he had views about sleeping alongside me. But the moment was too perfect to disturb just yet. Tell me something about you.
What do you want to know? His voice was hushed.
I paused for a few seconds to deliberate. There was still so much I wanted to ask, but I didn’t know how to without shifting his mood in another direction. Then again, maybe while he was so relaxed —
Why did you go to New York? I started and then took a deep breath steeling myself for his response.
There was none, only silence. He didn’t even breathe for what felt the longest time. My own lungs started to burn, but I couldn’t force myself to look up to him. I knew there would be fierce apprehension in the deep pools of his eyes. Finally when he spoke, his voice was velvet smooth and filled with grief.
This thing I can’t tell you, Triona, he said quietly. It’s a secret, but it’s not only my secret.
My heart thumped once. Secret? I scoffed in mock joviality. No such thing as secrets with Amanda around. I’d broken the spell . Our perfect moment was over.
Caleb sighed deeply. I lifted my head to look at him, frustrated at my own impatience. He was staring at the ceiling with a tortured expression.
Caleb, I murmured, my voice sounding strangled as it passed my lips, urging him to let me in. His heartbeat was a slow steady thud beneath me, and I struggled to keep mine to its pace.
I’ve done a terrible thing, he whispered. More than one, and I’m afraid others will have to suffer the consequences for my selfishness in the end. I pushed myself away from him and sat up with my legs crossed, holding onto my feet with both hands to stop them trembling. Tell me, I demanded, but it sounded weak and not like a demand at all , more like begging. I wished I’d never asked.
Caleb continued to stare upward. I can’t. Not yet, I’m not sure ever — His words trailed off, thick with misery.
I frowned, looking down at my feet. What could be such a big secret?
My mind flashed back to the night in the restaurant with Chris, and my glimpse of Caleb’s temper. I peeked up at him from under my eyelashes, not lifting my head. You didn’t kill someone, did you? As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was ludicrous. Caleb didn’t have a bad bone in his entire body of that, I was sure but killing someone was the worst thing I could think of.
Caleb’s eyes suddenly blazed with a furious intensity. For a split second I doubted myself. I thought he was about to say yes. I was sure my heart stopped beating, and then his eyes tightened and became guarded.
No, I didn’t kill anyone, he said darkly. I’m selfish and greedy. I’ve given up so much so we could be together, and I’ve asked so much of my family. Now the very things that allow us to be together — I feel I don’t deserve you. Caleb’s voice was dark and brooding. If it had come from any other source it would have scared me.
No, I wailed and flung myself into his arms. Enough with the cryptic answers, and don’t you ever, ever say that. I didn’t live — my heart didn’t beat until the moment we met. I love you.
Caleb’s arms clenched around me, his lips brushed against my ear. I love you too. I could no more live without you than I could without my heart. He paused, breathing deeply. That’s why I need to ask you to do something for me.
Anything, I swore, regretting immediately that I didn’t ask what I was promising first when I felt him flinch. He was going to ask me to do something he knew would be difficult. So it seemed he could ask me to do something difficult, but I couldn’t ask a few simple questions. I pulled back to look at his face; his eyes were agonized.
I need you to trust me, Triona. Can you do that? he asked, his brow creasing. That was easy enough, and I nodded silently, relieved he didn’t ask me to help him hide a dead body. Of course I trusted him blindly, apparently. That went without saying.
I want you to promise you won’t ask me what happened when I was away, and the other questions
What questions? I interrupted, irritated that he could see right through me and displeased at myself for letting him coerce me into not pushing for answers so easily.
The ones all over your face right now, Caleb said uneasily. His expression was too hard to read.
I sat back from him and rubbed my right thigh just above my knee. I thought trust went both ways. I scowled at him, now completely livid. He absolutely tricked me into to this, expecting my trust without giving his.
Caleb moved closer to me and placed his hand over mine, sending shivers coursing up my arm, and began twisting a lock of my hair around one of his long golden fingers. I do trust you, implicitly. I t
urned my head away from him, yanking out a few hairs as I did.
As I’ve already told you, it’s not only my secret to share, not yet. His voice was intentionally persuasive.
He knew I would be a pushover, a complete wimp unable to stick to any conviction. What did the truth matter? I’d already agreed to wait, and after all I just promised anything. I was always so — unobservant, as Jen had put it. Would it really hurt to turn a blind eye to the things I saw? Of course I knew Caleb was different; I’d known all along there was something exceptional about him, something phenomenal. Maybe that was enough.
I promise, he murmured close to my ear, his warm breath skimming my neck. If you can do what I ask, I will explain when the time is right. That did it, confirmed what I already knew — I would give in.
Fine, I promise, I answered reluctantly. I probably didn’t need to say the words; I was sure the surrender was written all over my face.
Caleb smiled awkwardly, and he almost looked sad. I narrowed my eyes, scrutinizing his expression. I had agreed to his request. Maybe he didn’t really want me to agree. Maybe he was secretly hoping I would force him to unload his burden. He sensed my conflict, and his eyes were instantly guarded again before he leaned in and, cupping his hand at the back of my neck, kissed me. My fingers entwined in his hair again, and I couldn’t breathe or think straight except to realize that was the purpose behind the kiss. Caleb was distracting me an extremely pleasant form of distraction, I had to admit and it was working. Questions didn’t feel very important anymore; the secret he promised to share didn’t matter. It only mattered that we were together and that his hot breath and soft lips were tracing a line down my neck, sending the blood racing though my body and making my heart pound unevenly.
Chapter 8
Destiny
I stretched, waking from a deep peaceful sleep, my eyes still shut tight. It took a few moments for my groggy brain to register that I wasn’t in my own bed, but when I yawned, my head swam with the woody, fresh scent of a forest, and I remembered exactly where I was. I must have slept heavily, because the last thing I recalled clearly was lying curled against Caleb on the couch. I didn’t remember going to bed; he must have carried me after I fell asleep. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I wasn’t ready for the morning yet.