by Carol Oates
The waiters returned with the plates. I waited for them to finish and then raised my glass.
I think we should probably make a toast, I announced with feigned joy.
They all lifted their glasses, Ben and Amanda grinning at each other tenderly. To new family, I said brightly, and the words felt like razors. Right now family seemed like a pretty rose: nice to look at, but get too close and a nasty hidden thorn is going to make you bleed, and Amanda was willingly joining this mess. There were too many secrets, too many unanswered questions. I had to find a way to make Caleb talk to me and soon. Annice and Joshua smiled at me; like mine, their expressions seemed phony. And to family not present. I directed this to Annice, acknowledging Samuel’s notable absence from the table, as well as remembering Carmel and Lewis.
Annice nodded, confirming she understood.
Later, alone in the early morning with Caleb, I sensed a change in him.
There was an edge to his touch that wasn’t there before. He moved slower, more deliberately, and stared deeply into my eyes as if searching there for a resolution to a conflict raging within him. The blue in his eyes glistened in the light from the street. The ache in me persisted, and for some reason I sensed he was trying to let me go.
Chapter 15
Unacceptable
Hello, I whispered groggily into the phone, trying not to wake Caleb, who was still asleep beside me. Neither of us had slept during the night, and it was morning by the time I eventually drifted off, judging by the sounds of bustling traffic and people outside, with Caleb lying beside me still watching the ceiling as if the answers to our problems were written there.
Triona?
John! I exclaimed a little too loudly. I turned to Caleb, but he was still asleep, his smooth perfect chest rising and falling silently. How did you find me? I asked, sliding from the bed carefully. I was in shock for about ten seconds before my foggy brain cleared and I realized exactly how he knew where I was. Amanda, I choked out, infuriated.
Please, Triona, I really need to speak to you. Can you please meet me — just for a few minutes? he pleaded.
I yanked the phone cord from around the bedside table, then went into the next room and very quietly closed the bedroom door. John, seeing as you called me, I explained in hushed annoyance, you obviously know I’m in Dublin.
Eh — yeah, he paused. I knew what was coming next, and I didn’t need any magical powers of foresight. I am too.
What? I screeched, muffling my mouth with my hand and trying to keep my breathing under control. What are you doing here?
I came to take you back.
Oh no, I groaned, sitting down onto the floor with a thump.
Can you please just give me twenty minutes? You owe me that at least, he begged again.
I quickly ran the alternatives through my head. Caleb wakes and hears John on the phone yet another human involved in our mess. John shows up at our hotel room demanding to see me John follows us to Tara and gets himself killed —
Okay, I muttered quietly. Where are you now?
Outside your hotel. There wasn’t an ounce of remorse in his voice.
There’s a coffee place around the side of the bank across the street, I told him. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
I hung up without another word, not allowing him time to make another suggestion, and went back into the bedroom to grab my jeans, tennis shoes, and a white shirt that was slightly crumpled from my bag. Caleb was still sleeping soundly; he looked so peaceful and beautiful that my stomached lurched and I had to resist an urge to crawl back into the bed beside him. I longed to place my head near his heart, feel his warmth, and breathe in his scent. My hands trembled, and I shook myself back to the present John was waiting. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say or if I was even ready to face him in my new form. I went back into the living room to dress. I noticed as I put my watch on that it was 3:40 and still I felt like I had barely closed my eyes. I slipped some cash into my pocket and headed out the door.
The weather outside was cool, and clouds filled the sky. The city was crowded with people jostling for space on the pavement. I battled my way through them, walking across the cobblestone road to the side door, getting to the coffee house five minutes early. It was busy, but I spotted him straight away, sitting on a high stool at the window to my left. I wasn’t sure if he saw me coming in; he didn’t turn. I walked over to the empty seat beside him, and my breathing was suddenly shallow. An iced lattÈ sat on the counter in front of the seat.
John, I said. My voice sounded hollow.
He twisted in his seat, and his large brown eyes widened, taking in my appearance. You look beautiful, he gasped. His lips spread into a wide grin.
I returned his smile, and my nervousness melted away. It was unexpectedly comforting to see his face again. He rose from his seat and pulled my stool back, allowing me to sit, then retook his own, pulling it closer so that we were no more than inches apart.
It’s good to see you, I said, surprising myself that I really meant it.
His eyes scrutinized me and his expression became more serious. What’s going on, Triona?
I looked away to the coffee in front of me. I’m sorry I left the way I did. Things have been a bit — strange.
I called to talk to you, and Amanda said that your old boyfriend had shown up and taken you away, John said. When I called again to see if you’d been in touch, she said your brother was picking her up and you were all coming to Dublin. I convinced her to let me know where you would be staying.
I don’t imagine she took much convincing, I blurted harshly, despite the fact I knew she probably told him before she knew everything. Anyway it wasn’t like that. He didn’t take me; I came because I wanted to.
Yeah, well. Swings and roundabouts, he grumbled. John’s body was turned toward me. His hand was on the back of my stool, bringing him very close. I traced a line in the condensation on the side of my plastic cup.
I can’t explain — Caleb was — I trailed off, unable to give him the lie about witness protection that Amanda insinuated was a ridiculous excuse once she had found out the real story.
I don’t care what’s going on, why you ran off, or why you look — different. He paused, studying my appearance again. I just want you to come back with me.
I bit my bottom lip to hold back the tears that I could feel threatening because of the hurt in his voice. I can’t, I whispered.
He’s got you into something, whatever it is he’s up to. I can see that much. His tone was harsh and had an edge of anger to it.
It’s not Caleb, I insisted. It’s me. I can’t tell you, but it’s not his fault, and he loves me.
I watched the people walking by on the street outside. John took my hand from the cup and held it; his skin felt warm against mine that were chilled and wet from the cold cup. He leaned closer to me.
Is that why he left you heartbroken, cause he loves you so much? he asked bitterly.
Why did everyone keep throwing that at me? My heart ached at his words. I closed my eyes for a moment. Blocking out the memory of the anguish I’d been in for so long was easy with Caleb around, but it all came back sharply now that he wasn’t here.
Why are you here, John? I muttered, wanting to get away soon. I was finding it hard to deny to myself how oddly good it felt to be sitting here with him in a coffee house, something we’d done time and time again since we met. Normal. It was easy to be in his presence, but hard to know that I was hurting him.
He moved his hand from mine, placed a finger lightly under my chin, and turned my face to him. I love you, Triona. I want to be with you. I opened my eyes to his anxious face. Purple smudges colored the skin under his brown eyes; he looked like he hadn’t slept.
I can make you happy, I know I can. You just have to give me a chance.
You did say there was a chance for us, he finished.
My eyes caught a woman sitting at the table behind us, a coffee and sandwich in front of her. She was dress
ed casually, and a small shopping bag lay under her seat. She was watching us, and her eyes darted away when she saw me look at her. Her expression was kind, obviously thinking this was some kind of romantic exchange between lovers.
I’m sorry, I said. I never meant to hurt you. Guilt flooded though me with every pump of my heart. I really was happy to see him, this human man who had just told me that he loved me. His eyes gazed at me, hoping against hope that I would tell him what he wanted to hear. I found myself inexplicably wanting to how easy it would be to agree to leave with him now, to go back to London and try to love him. To have a normal life. But I couldn’t. I hated causing him pain, but I wouldn’t for the world allow him to be dragged into my mess. John belonged to a different future than lay before me now, one that no longer existed. My heart began to race thinking about trying to live without Caleb, without his smile and the warmth of his body when he held me.
You are thinking about it. I can see it in your eyes, he pronounced with more confidence.
I shook my head and looked out the window again. No, John, I said sadly, you don’t know who I really am. You never did.
I know enough to know how I feel, he declared. You’ve bewitched me. After we kissed, I couldn’t think clearly; I couldn’t sleep all night. Then I just knew I needed to be near you. I can’t think of anything but you. My breath caught at his words. Bewitched. Ben had insinuated that I’d tried to charm him. Oh no! John was under some kind of enchantment that I didn’t even know I could place on him. Did he really love me, or was it the Guardian part of me that was so captivating to him? I looked into his eyes again, but I couldn’t tell, and there were no colors around him, nothing to betray his genuine feelings.
Something else started to seep through my consciousness, something that I really didn’t want to consider. Caleb. Did he really love me, and did I love him? My heart began to burn, and my fingers trembled. If I didn’t believe in destiny, how could Caleb and I be destined for each other? How could we be soul mates? My cheeks began to redden as the blood rushed through me. Had Caleb and I bewitched each other? John’s eyes were narrowed as he looked at me, concern spread across his face.
Triona, what is it?
I — I have to go.
No.
I stood, pushing back the stool; it wobbled, knocking into the table behind us and spilling the woman’s coffee across it. She jumped to her feet, eying me with surprise and concern.
I’m I’m so sorry, I stammered. My heart was pounding.
John grabbed my arm. Triona, what’s wrong? he yelled. Calm down, what is it?
A young girl in uniform came running over, and I tossed some money into her hand. I’m so sorry; please replace the lady’s drink. I’m sorry, I muttered again to the woman staring at me. Panic was taking me over; what if Caleb or I — what if we woke up and just didn’t feel the same anymore?
What if we forgot? If it wasn’t real? Was that what I felt from him last night?
I stumbled on the cobbles outside the door. A man standing beside one of the many taxis parked on the street looked up.
All right, love? he yelled in a friendly voice.
I didn’t answer. I had only progressed a couple of yards when John’s hand grabbed my elbow firmly. My supernatural speed refused to cooperate today. I wished I could get control of these gifts.
Triona, tell me what is wrong, he demanded. His face was a mask of anxiety.
I knew I could wrench my arm away easily, my strength and my eyesight being the only gifts that seemed to stay with me continuously, but I didn’t.
I allowed him to restrain me, standing on the edge of the sidewalk. Some of the passers-by stared in our direction, at our distressed faces.
It’s not real, John, none of it. I gestured wildly with my hand at the crowds walking around us and the traffic in the street. All this, it’s not the real world, there are things going on that you don’t know — things you can’t see. He pulled me to him, holding me tightly to his chest. His heart was thundering.
What the hell has happened to you?
Again the tears pricked my eyes, and I shut them tightly, holding the waterworks back. I put my arms around him and let him hold me there among the crowd. My breathing was heavy and labored.
Please come back to me, he begged into my hair. Let me take care of you.
I can’t, I sniffled. I wanted to; the future he saw was so much easier than the unknown I was facing. I didn’t love him, and I wasn’t actually sure if he loved me, but if it seemed so real to him, would it matter in the end?
He held me away from him, studying my expression, his eyes full of angst.
I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to promise me you will seriously think about it before you answer, he said, his hand sweeping down my hair, soothing me.
I nodded in agreement, and my eyes tightened in anticipation.
Promise me, he reiterated. His fingers encased the tops of my arms as people walking by continued to glance.
I promise, I said honestly.
He exhaled loudly and brushed hair away from my face before dropping his arms by his side. I want you to think about what we could have together
I I began to protest. He placed a single finger on my lips, silencing me. My heart thudded hard. What was he planning to say?
I would do anything for you, you know that. I’m lost without you. I haven’t eaten or slept. I want you to come back with me. Marry me, Triona.
Oh, I groaned against the finger still at my lips. I hadn’t expected that.
He was staring at me intently, and I wasn’t sure what to say. It would be very easy to say yes and run away, to not have to deal with what I was becoming. I closed my eyes and saw Caleb, felt my intense all-consuming love for him. It was simple after all. I didn’t want to run from him. John’s hand rested on my hot cheek for a moment before he lowered it to his side once again.
I I started weakly.
Don’t say it, he interrupted as his eyes flashed to something behind me. They tightened, evaluating what he saw.
I spun around to see Caleb storming down the pavement toward us; the pedestrians instinctively moved aside to let him through, sensing his fury.
He was surrounded by a dark muddy red color, and his face was thunderous. I wasn’t sure how good his hearing was, but he wasn’t that far away.
Had he heard John’s proposal, or that I hadn’t instantly turned him down?
I looked back to John; recognition was spreading over his face. It wasn’t hard to work out that this tall, gorgeous creature with sapphire eyes flashing with choler was headed straight to me. John grabbed my arm as if to hold me there with him, and I looked up to his defiant face. He glowered toward Caleb.
Triona, stay with me, John demanded, his voice flooded with desperation.
It was horrible. I wanted to undo whatever curse I’d inadvertently placed on him. I can’t, I murmured, hoping Caleb couldn’t hear.
Caleb was almost beside us, and as he neared, the color around him faded and his expression became more guarded. Suddenly I couldn’t read him at all.
Triona, we have to return to the hotel immediately, Caleb said coolly.
You don’t have to go anywhere with him, John insisted fearlessly, still holding my arm. I felt his grip intensify.
The crowds passing by seemed to take a wide berth, unconsciously aware the animosity in the air.
A guest has accompanied my father, Caleb added. His body tensed almost to the point of being frozen, but his eyes betrayed nothing.
Caleb, John — John, Caleb, I muttered, reluctantly introducing him and gesturing to each man in turn, sure that each already knew who the other was.
I felt sick to my stomach, and blood pounded in my ears. I lowered my eyes to the ground and said quietly, John, I have to go with Caleb.
No! John’s fingers had my arm in a vice-like grip.
I watched as Caleb’s hands balled into fists, and his eyes narrowed and blazed. I saw something in them, j
ust for an instant insane jealously. Let her go, Caleb growled in a deep voice.
John stood still, defiantly holding onto my arm and glaring at Caleb.
Caleb’s shoulder jerked as though he were about to raise his arm. I think I saw it before he even conceived what he was about to do. I placed my hand against his chest as a warning. His heart pounded against my palm.
Don’t, I commanded. Human.
His gaze lowered to me, and I stared back at him for a long moment, willing him to calm. His exquisite ferocious eyes gradually softened and relaxed. I waited for another moment before taking my hand from Caleb’s chest and uncurling John’s fingers from my other arm.
You need to go home.
He wordlessly pleaded with his big brown eyes, and I felt a jolt in my stomach reminding me of the first day we met. My resolve weakened, but only slightly. Please, John, go home.
John’s shoulders slumped in acceptance of his failure. Taking Caleb by the hand, I turned my back on him to walk away. I had to focus to keep from tearing up, forcing down the burning sensation I felt in my chest.
You promised, John called after me, his voice breaking slightly. Think about it.
I glanced back over my shoulder to where he stood, hemmed in by the crowds of humans on the street going about their everyday business, his eyes beseeching me.
I know, I called back. Go home. I kept my voice steady and controlled, not trusting my ability to calm Caleb a second time if his temper flared toward John. Caleb’s fingers locked through mine, making my heart flutter.