by Carol Oates
My jaw clenched so tightly it ached, and I swallowed the bile I felt rising and burning in my throat. Keeping one hand on Caleb’s chest, I concentrated on the low thud of his heartbeat to steady myself. First, I looked to Samuel and Annice. He had his arm around her, and she was watching Ben with empathy, like a mother watching her child. How strange that we seemed to be becoming a family in such a short time.
Seth? I only uttered the one word, but Eila understood my question.
Annice’s eyes darted in our direction, and Joshua moved closer, placing his hands on the back of the couch where his parents sat.
Yes, Eila answered, again the coolness of her voice made her reply seem almost reasonable. Zeal used Seth, convinced him you were dangerous, to test Caleb. To see how far he would go to protect you. You can’t imagine their perverted pleasure describing brother turning against brother. Joshua punched the back of the couch hard, his temper flaring, and the wood crunched inside it. Annice spun in her seat, placing a soothing hand on top of his.
Calm down, she instructed.
He did so immediately. I turned back to Caleb and kissed him lightly on the cheek while grazing my fingertips down the other side of his face.
I’m sorry, I breathed into his ear. When I pulled back again, his expression was pained; there was no anger he was just another pawn in their game. I was feeling enough anger for both of us anyway. I turned back to Eila. I will defeat them. They won’t ever get another chance to hurt anyone like this again.
She smiled radiantly, and her eyebrows rose. It was only then that it became clear to me. I was telling the truth. Not only was the conviction there in my tone, but it was there in my heart too. I kissed Caleb’s cheek again, and he smiled this time. It was still strained, but it seemed perhaps there was a little more warmth in it than before. It seemed an age since he had turned one of those blinding smiles on me.
And after? Eila inquired, gaining my attention again.
I didn’t know what she meant, so it didn’t seem unreasonable that I couldn’t answer.
After? I prompted, curious.
Yes, she explained. Will you be with your human or your Guardian? My hand flew to my mouth with astonishing speed, but again too late.
I don’t know, I blurted anxiously. Arrgh! This wasn’t right. It made it sound as if I didn’t know if I wanted to be with Caleb, when it was Caleb that wasn’t sure. Why didn’t she ask him? Who’d told her about John anyway?
No! It’s not like that at all.
I turned to look at Caleb’s horrified face. He wore the same expression as the night I had turned my strength on him, slashing the flesh on his chest. I attempted to take both of his hands in mine, but he pulled away and got to his feet, surrounded by a kaleidoscope of colors, shades of red shot through with violet, orange, royal blue, white, and silver. He was cutting through his indecision, summing up his emotions. I knew he was coming to his final conclusion regarding our relationship.
No. Caleb, I shouted, embarrassingly aware of the roomful of people.
Eila said nothing. She sat silently beside me with her hands lightly in her lap.
I didn t
What did he ask you when you met? Caleb interrupted. His eyes were hard, preparing for my response. He wrung his hands before his eyes flickered to Eila.
He asked me to go back to London with him — to marry him, I replied, and again the words came straight from my memory. I reached out to him, but he flinched away. This wasn’t fair; he was hearing everything all wrong.
Panic raced through my body.
Caleb, I pleaded desperately. Please listen. I looked toward Annice for some moral support. She was wearing the same expression that she had a few moments before, looking at Ben.
What was your answer? Was that what you promised to think about? His voice sounded so hurt, my stomach knotted. Instantly, before my brain could react, I threw my hands to my mouth, flattening them against my pursed lips, and held my breath. It burned my lungs, but I held fast, ignoring the pain ripping through my chest, keeping my hands clamped tight against my lips.
I looked over to Amanda. Ben was still sitting on the floor, but his head was lifted, and his hands were cupping hers at her thighs. Caleb stepped sideways, blocking them from my view before I could read their faces. My lungs were on fire, and I could feel my cheeks flaming. He blew out air heavily, and I wanted to inhale, but I resisted. Even when he tried to remove my hands, I fought against him, leaving Caleb no option but to jerk them away from my face. My lungs automatically reacted, taking in the sweet air that surrounded him, the burning in my chest eased taken over by the agony of watching his face as I whispered, I didn’t answer. I promised to think about it.
The colors around him faded and disappeared. Just for a split second I saw sadness in his eyes, then fury, before he was gone.
I rushed to the open door after him, but the hallway was empty. I stormed back into the room toward the window, hoping to see him leave the hotel and learn what direction he was going. My heart ached with each thump.
That was so unfair, I fumed, turning back to Eila with an accusing look.
I only said that so John would go home. I — I trailed off, my shoulders slumping. How could I possibly explain this to Caleb?
Annice came up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders. He’ll be back, she promised.
I shrugged her hands from my shoulders, not allowing her time to convince me in her special way. No, I shouted harshly as I turned. He thinks — you all think that I’m not sure of my feelings. You think I could possibly choose to be with someone else. The idea seemed absurd to me now. I glared around the room at everyone, ignoring their reactions to my outburst. There is no one else I want. There is no choice. Everyone here has voiced an opinion. I paused, and then roared, I don’t want to hear any more! My eyes darted to Annice; her lips twitched at the corners as if she would smile if I weren’t glaring at her.
I turned back to the window again just in time to see Caleb disappear around the front of the college, moving at a slow human pace. In a flash I was gone, out the door and down the stairs before anyone could stop me, using my newfound speed to its fullest. I was at the end of Grafton Street in less than a minute and stopped abruptly across from the statue of the woman with the wheelbarrow. A small old man dressed like a leprechaun was the only one who saw me appear, apparently out of nowhere, and he blinked as I searched up and down the street for Caleb. I spotted him about thirty yards ahead walking into a shop he was picking quite a moment for retail therapy. I smiled innocently to the leprechaun still gawping at me and headed after him.
Caleb was standing in the middle of a brightly lit shop floor and turned to me as soon as I entered. You’re here. That will make this much easier, he stated calmly as if he hadn’t just run from me.
I huffed and scowled at him. If you wanted me to come with you, why did you run off?
His jaw tightened, but he didn’t reply.
Caleb, I sighed. Closing the distance between us, I placed both my hands on his chest. It’s you I want. Please believe me.
Yet again he kept his reactions in check and his emotions guarded. His blue eyes narrowed slightly.
It was a misunderstanding, I swear. My heart was hurting, convinced he didn’t believe me.
Pick one, he instructed placing one hand under my elbow and guiding me over to a glass counter.
I gasped, so low I hardly heard it myself. How had I not noticed we were standing in a jewelry store? Two well-groomed women stood behind the glass counter, both wearing expensive-looking black suits and watching us closely. My eyes widened; under the glass, the cabinet was filled with glittering diamond engagement rings.
Not you too, I moaned in a hushed voice.
He slipped his arm around my waist and ushered me forward nearer the counter; with more than a little resistance I moved.
She can have whatever she wants, he informed the women in his warm deep voice.
Shock prevented me from finding
any words. I watched the older woman with dark hair tied in a knot smile at Caleb, her eyelashes fluttering. Then taking in my crumpled shirt, frayed jeans, and old sneakers, she tightened her eyes toward Caleb, examining his appearance. He was wearing jeans too, although his fit just right, belted at his hips under his flat stomach. His gray T-shirt was just fitted enough to emphasize his flawless broad shoulders and perfectly proportioned chest; she caught her breath before she composed herself. The younger, attractive blond woman beside her didn’t make any effort to compose herself, gazing noticeably over his body.
We’re actually closing now, maybe you would like to come back tomorrow, the older woman told us with a note of condescension in her voice.
If you would like to put a deposit on something —? Caleb turned and unleashed the full force of his determined eyes on me; I could barely breathe. Anything she wants, he insisted, slapping a black credit card onto the glass.
I was too caught up in Caleb’s gaze to see what her reaction was, but I could hear the tone in her voice changing, becoming more compliant. Yes, yes, of course, she gushed. Lindsey here will take care of you. He reached a hand to my face and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear gently. Go ahead. His expression was still too guarded for me to get any insight into what he was thinking. My heart pumped audibly, and my breathing was slightly uneven.
What’s all this about, Caleb?
It’s what you want, isn’t it? he asked innocently, his eyebrows knitting.
Isn’t this normal when two people love each other? The fingers of his hand at my lower back tightened, sending tingles up my spine. I narrowed my eyes at him, barely aware of the sales girl watching us just a couple of feet away.
Last night, then today — I thought you weren’t sure — My eyes lowered, my words trailed off. It stung to think of his doubts about us, and I felt the color rise in my cheeks as I remembered that I had contributed further to those same doubts a few minutes ago. Both of his hands rested at my lower back; he was so close I could feel the heat rising off his skin, and each breath I took was filled with him.
I wasn’t sure. I’ve never doubted my feelings for you; I just doubted that I should be feeling them. I doubted that it was the best thing for you, he admitted. But I’m sure now. I’m sure that I can’t possibly live without you.
I don’t care what anyone else thinks anymore. I don’t know how I could ever have conceived of the idea that you are meant to be with anyone else. The conviction in his voice made me feel a little off balance, and I was glad that his arms were around me. I lifted my eyes reluctantly to his, but Caleb’s expression was still completely controlled; it didn’t match his words at all. I tightened my eyes in concentration trying to focus and read colors that weren’t there.
The girl behind the counter coughed, and I noticed the other woman coming out of a back room to rejoin her, the card still in her hand.
Well, do I get an answer? Caleb asked, his lips twitching into the beginnings of a grin.
I recalled the conversation I had with Annice back in England about the future and what I saw for myself. Well, the future I saw before Zeal and Lucien entered my perfect picture. Did she tell Caleb that I wanted to marry him sometime in the future? Or maybe now Caleb felt threatened by John’s proposal, and he was being forced to take action.
No, I said firmly, ignoring the fear and surprise that suddenly flared in colors around him as his carefully composed exterior shattered for a moment. I could see for a brief second that behind it, he was considering the length of our future, but barely a fraction of a second passed before his colors were hidden again.
What? he demanded, releasing me from his arms. For him you’ll consider it, you’ll promise to think about it, but for me it’s a flat no? 250
That’s right, I stated, frowning. And don’t do that, I added, vexed.
Do what?
Hide your My eyes darted to the two women, and I inclined my head closer to Caleb. Colors. It’s very distracting when you flash like that, on and off. It’s like watching strobe lights. The older woman was observing us with her arms crossed, tapping the credit card on her inner elbow, impatient at my procrastination but unwilling to hurry me. The younger girl, Lindsey, wore a very odd expression as she gazed at Caleb. It looked as though she was weighing the pros and cons of vaulting the counter and throwing him to the ground to ravish him. I eyed her with suspicion; bright red sparks bounced around her, definitely passion.
Excuse us for just one moment, I requested with fake politeness, smiling serenely.
I attempted to take Caleb’s arm, but he flinched away from me, crossing his arms over his chest. Instead I motioned with my head to the furthest corner of the shop from the women, on the far side of some glass display cabinets. It was a silent order for Caleb to follow me, which he did, to my relief.
I looked into his shimmering, disappointed eyes. They were easier to read now. He looked as helpless and vulnerable as a small child. I kept my voice hushed, attempting to keep my annoyance in check. Caleb, you’re not being very mature for someone — of your age.
I just asked you to marry me, and you said no, but you’re thinking about He was angry; he moved his face nearer to me and quieted his words. the human.
His breath was hot on my face, and I inhaled and closed my eyes. There must be something in the air of this country that had everyone contemplat-ing marriage. As completely confident as I was in my feelings for Caleb, it simply seemed irrational that he should be so jealous of John. Especially since earlier he appeared so intent on convincing me that I didn’t know my own mind and was in fact meant to be with a human. I opened my eyes.
First, I stated, holding up one of my fingers to emphasize the point. You haven’t asked me to marry you. You instructed me to pick a ring. Second — He pursed his lips raising one eyebrow. I held up another finger.
You’re only doing this to keep me with you, when I’m not going anywhere without you anyway. Third —
Caleb opened his mouth to speak, and I paused and glowered at him.
He closed his lips, and his arms dropped by his sides.
Third, I lifted another finger, my voice calming. What’s the sudden rush? It won’t change the fact Zeal and Lucien are coming.
Sudden? he exclaimed. His sapphire eyes were cool. You think this is sudden? He placed his hand on my face, cupping my cheek. His skin was soft against mine, and my stomach flipped.
Well — yeah. I was curious about his abrupt change of attitude.
I am acutely aware of every stupid mistake I’ve made with you since the day we met, and yes, I am furious that he would try to steal you from me. I know can be self-righteous, obstinate, and overprotective. Caleb was on a roll again, confessions streaming from him, and his expression grew more sheepish with each word. I was intrigued to know where he was going with all this self-berating. I’ve been struggling with my own fears about what my part in your future is since we discovered who you are, shifting between clinging to you and playing a martyr. I guess I was doing it even before then, if I’m being honest.
His lips pulled back to form an embarrassed smile. He slid his hand under my chin and then stroked the length of my other cheek with the back of his fingers.
I was weak to leave you
Why? I interrupted, a flash of anger rushing through me for an instant.
Why did you leave me, why didn’t you stay, why didn’t you fight for us? Caleb flinched at my choice of words, and I winced, realizing that’s exactly what he had done. He fought his own brother for me. My gaze dropped to the ground. The older woman behind the counter coughed, clearing her throat to gain our attention. I glanced at Caleb from under my eyelashes as he flashed his fiery eyes at her; she was silenced. He leaned toward me so his lips brushed my ear and whispered.
I would have died for you that night, he said. I still would, but when you wanted to die for me — He sighed. I couldn’t allow it. You can’t image the loathing I felt for myself when you said that to Seth, the guil
t. I couldn’t bear for you to want to die for me. In that moment I decided the only way to make you safe was if you thought I was dead already. I looked up to search for honesty in his face. It was there in his eyes, the split-second decision he’d made to leave and the crushing regret he’d felt ever since.
Caleb reached behind his back and pulled something from his pocket; it was a slightly tattered envelope, the one from my memory box. He must have taken it out when he was getting his sweatshirt. He smiled an easy relaxed smile. I was surprised to see you never opened this. Do you remember the day I gave it to you?
Of course, I replied incredulously. You called me immature. He chuckled, waving the envelope in front of my face teasingly so I had to pull back a little. You kept talking about what you wanted to be when you grew up. I have never called you immature. I simply told you to open this when you grew up.
Same thing, I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest like a petulant child. At the same time, my heart began to thunder, remembering how I had stormed out of the car that day and refused to take Caleb’s calls for the two days before he died. He was right; I had been immature. My face burned even more.
It’s not my fault you’re such an old man, I exclaimed much too loudly.
I looked back to the women. The older woman’s eyebrows rose at my comment about the young, bronzed god in front of me.
I thought you would rip it open then and there. Open it, he instructed handing me the envelope. I complied without hesitation, pursing my lips in frustration and almost tearing the slip of paper inside in my haste. Caleb took the envelope from me and crushed it in his fist. I sighed and glanced up at him warily before unfolding the paper.
My suggestion on what you should be:
Be my wife.
My heart thumped even louder and more erratically than before, and my hands trembled on the piece of paper. My eyes met Caleb’s, serious and devastatingly beautiful.
You see, not sudden at all, he said softly. I’ve wanted this from the moment we met. I just wasn’t always confident it could happen. His eyes flickered with shame at his own doubt.