by Susan Fox
When they’d gone to Talbot Ranch, Lainey spent a long time in the big house, wandering through, remembering. Most of the furniture sat in the silent house under sheets, and Lainey was struck by the sadness of that. If Gabe stayed married to her, she’d never live here again, and yet it didn’t seem right for the fine old house to remain unoccupied.
The trip to San Antonio took the longest, partly because it was over a four-hour round trip, partly because Gabe insisted on seeing her try on more dresses and outfits than she’d planned to. He seemed to genuinely enjoy seeing her model the clothes, and before she knew it, he’d bought several things he’d liked along with the few things she’d picked out.
They’d gotten into a whispered argument when she’d insisted on paying for her own things, but he was iron-willed on the subject. The fact that he easily charmed the salesclerks into ignoring her checks and credit cards in favor of his gave him several decisive wins.
As a result, he made more than one trip to the car to stow their purchases in the trunk, and while he was gone on the second one, Lainey slipped into a jewelers farther down the mall and looked through a selection of men’s jewelry to find a gift.
Though she already knew Gabe wasn’t big on men’s jewelry, she selected a beautiful turquoise string tie because she knew he favored those. After she paid, she tucked the box into her handbag then slipped into a store a couple doors down to shop for work jeans and cotton shirts. She managed to buy enough in her sizes before Gabe found her and could insist on using his credit card.
“There’s one of those lady’s stores down the way,” he told her. Lainey knew instantly the one he meant was a lingerie shop, and she suddenly got the impression this might be the highlight of the day for Gabe.
He’d told her they’d buy her something with lace and ribbons when they went to San Antonio, so she shouldn’t have thought he’d forget. Though she felt self-conscious about the kind of sleepwear he might have in mind, he’d been so pleasant with her that day that she was leery of doing anything that might spoil the growing companionship between them.
To her surprise, Gabe walked into the lingerie shop with her, as unconcerned and at ease about being in such a feminine place as he would have been in a cow lot. And the contrast of his earthy masculinity and rugged looks against a backdrop of sexy lace and satiny intimate apparel made it all look even more delicate and fragilely feminine.
The few other women in the store grinned at him from over the racks, and blushed when he noticed and gave a respectful nod. It was some sort of variation on the bull in the china shop, only there was no damage and the bull was completely tame.
In other shops, Gabe had pulled an outfit or two off the racks to show her. In this shop, he wedged his big fingers in his front jeans pockets, and somehow she read his preferences from the interest he seemed to show in one thing or another.
To Lainey’s relief, there were a few things in the shop that were more diaphanous than revealing, and though she could tell Gabe might prefer some of the bolder ones, he didn’t object to the handful she picked to take into a changing room along with some of the ones he’d seemed to like.
When she was finished, she came out in the clothes she’d worn in, and the things she’d tried on draped over her arm.
“Everything fit?”
Lainey nodded, and the clerk who’d been hovering nearby took the white floor-length gown and matching wrap Lainey had chosen. Another clerk came over to return the other things to the racks.
“Add that little blue thing,” Gabe said to the clerk, unconcerned that someone nearby might hear. “And the pink—no, the pearly pink,” he said, aiming a finger toward the one he meant. “Wrap ’em up with everything else.”
Both clerks beamed at him as they sorted and separated out the things he’d indicated, and Lainey felt edgy. Because she didn’t want to embarrass Gabe, she caught his hand to get his attention when one clerk turned away toward the register and the other hurried back to the racks.
“Oh, Gabe, this is very generous,” she whispered urgently, “but I don’t need all of them.”
“I do.”
Her protest hadn’t dimmed his obvious pleasure, in fact, his dark eyes were dancing with something a lot like masculine anticipation, though his expression was solemn.
“I work all day with rough, dusty animals, Mrs. Patton. It’ll be damned nice to look at something fine and silky on my wife.”
Lainey couldn’t help the blush that surged into her cheeks as her gaze darted around them to make sure Gabe hadn’t been overheard. Suddenly she remembered how little distance there’d been between them that day, and how hugely relieved she’d been. If this shopping trip had somehow put them on more comfortable footing with each other, then she needed to take Gabe’s apparent preference for buying those sexy things gracefully. She’d try not to think about how soon he expected her to start wearing them.
“Thank you,” she said. “You didn’t need to buy anything for me today, but it was sweet of you.”
“Sweet.”
Gabe said the word as if it was something suspicious. Lainey couldn’t help a giggle as his expression went playfully grim, as if using the word “sweet” to describe him was somehow an insult to his rugged machismo.
“Yes,” she said, enjoying this, “sweet.”
“Sweet.” He growled the word that time. “I don’t reckon I’d repeat that to any of the men.”
But Lainey could tell by the lighthearted glimmer in his dark eyes that he was not only amused, but that being called “sweet” had taken him pleasantly by surprise. There was so much that Gabe’s tough exterior concealed, and she suddenly got a fresh sense of the rich treasures he’d hidden away.
That was the moment Lainey realized she’d never stopped loving Gabriel Patton. Suddenly, all her feelings for him came rushing back like a towering sea wave crashing onto a dry, empty beach. The difference this time was that what she felt for him had matured from the adolescent feelings she had for him years ago, and that staggered her.
Lainey walked with him to the service counter in a kind of daze, then looked on as he charmed the clerk who’d placed two extra boxes Lainey hadn’t known about into the shopping bag with everything else.
As she watched Gabe, her emotions grew overwhelming as she more fully registered the pleasure he’d seemed to take in watching her model things for him that day, and sensed his pride and satisfaction in spending a small fortune on her.
It was almost as if there was some well of generosity in his soul that had been dammed up all his life, first by poverty then by lack of opportunity. There was no way to mistake the fact that it was now bursting free. As if he’d waited years to do something as common and husbandly as shop with a wife; as if that dam of generosity had burst for the simple reason that he finally had both the money and someone all his own to lavish it on.
Lainey couldn’t help but think again about all the packages he’d sent her through the mail, and that because of the dates they’d arrived, they’d clearly been birthday, anniversary or Christmas gifts. Suddenly she could picture the pleasure he must have felt as he’d chosen each one and the hope he must have had as he’d dropped them off at the post office. She didn’t spare herself the picture of the grimness, and maybe even hurt, that must have come over him when every one of them had been delivered back to him.
The worst remorse Lainey had felt so far engulfed her in that store, and she almost burst into tears right there. Somehow she managed to keep her composure while Gabe finished the transaction, but the utter misery she felt was the most excruciating of her life.
Today—and particularly these last few minutes when Gabe had shown her a bit more of his gentle sense of humor—were like little golden drops of honey falling lightly into a bucket filled close to the brim by years of hard feelings and anger. The mental picture was an accurate depiction of the dismal reality between them, and the self-loathing Lainey felt was another crushing weight on her heart.
Was i
t possible to somehow increase those little golden drops? Was it possible to either wash out the bitterness in that pail or to at least sweeten the acid tang of all that her selfishness and cruelty had put there?
As Gabe picked up the shopping bag and they walked into the mall, Lainey eased her arm around his lean waist in a desperate craving to somehow make it up to him. When Gabe instantly wrapped his arm around her and pulled her snugly against his side, she felt his delight with the simple gesture, and her eyes begin to sting.
When they got to Gabe’s car, they stowed the last of the bags in the trunk. Gabe walked her to the passenger side, then came around the front of the car to get in and start the engine. As if he’d sensed her melancholy, Gabe wrapped his strong fingers gently around hers and they rode in silence all the way back to Patton Ranch.
CHAPTER EIGHT
LAINEY managed to make it all the way home before she’d had to shut herself in the bathroom for a good cry in the shower. When she’d come out dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, recovered and with a fresh application of makeup, she joined Gabe in the den. He’d already showered and changed elsewhere and she noted that he wore black slacks, black dress boots and another pristine white shirt with long sleeves that he’d folded back to reveal his thickly corded tanned wrists.
He’d dressed a little more formally tonight, and Lainey was alert to that. She realized he might like to see her in one of the sundresses he’d bought her, so she slipped back to their bedroom to change into the blue one with white seersucker stripes.
Supper was served at the end of the back patio just outside the master bedroom. The round, cloth-draped wooden table Elisa had set with good china had been placed in the shady path of a nearby tree trunk that blocked the bright angle of the evening sun.
The candelabra in the center of the table hadn’t been lit yet, so Gabe struck a match and quickly remedied that. All of this had to be deliberate, and Lainey was certain that it was Gabe’s idea rather than Elisa’s. The wine flutes on the table and the bottle of wine Gabe had just opened and poured added to the romantic presence of the candelabra, the china, and the warm outdoor setting.
It was a huge relief to have gone so far past the conflict between them, to actually feel this level of companionship and ease. Just last night things had been grim and confrontational, so today had been something akin to a miracle. Lainey had already vowed to never allow things between them to go back to the way they’d been before today, and it looked like Gabe might have decided to do the same.
Lainey couldn’t help worrying about what would happen now. Not that she was as edgy about the notion of physical intimacy, but because she wanted their marriage to be based on something far more than sex and having children. Today had been a wonderful start toward that goal, and yet she was constantly reminded of the fact that she wasn’t worthy to receive any of the deeper things she wanted their marriage to have, particularly Gabe’s love.
That feeling of unworthiness had increased with every generous and well-meaning thing Gabe had done that day. He was still making all the sacrifices, and she was still the unquestioned beneficiary. She’d deserved none of it, not a single thing, including all that he’d done to save Talbot.
Her craving to find some way to either match or outdo his sacrifices and his generosity felt as daunting and doomed to fail as it was strong. What on earth could she give or do that was worthy of him? And his prodigious five-year head start only emphasized the notion that she couldn’t possibly catch up.
“We’ve got time for a toast before Elisa brings the food,” he said, then picked up his wine flute. The fragile piece rested easily in his strong fingers.
Lainey reached for her wine flute, then lifted it toward his. “What are we toasting?”
“You pick.”
He’d gently put her on the spot, and the fact that she didn’t dare offer a toast to what she truly wanted deepened her feeling of melancholy.
“H-how about…to our future?”
“Is there one?”
The low question was another painful little nick. Her voice was nearly a whisper as she said, “For as long as you say, Gabe.”
He stared at her those breathless moments, poised to touch his wine flute to hers, but not making a move. “Then say it like that.”
Lainey lifted her glass higher and said, “To our future…together.”
Gabe touched his glass to hers and they both had a quiet sip. He set his down and leaned one forearm on the table as he looked over at her. Self-conscious because of the intensity in his dark eyes, Lainey carefully set her flute down then toyed nervously with the stem.
“You look beautiful tonight,” he drawled. “Blue suits you. Makes your eyes look a foot deep.”
Gabe’s compliment was blunt and simple, but it warmed her. “Thank you.”
Elisa brought their steaks then, and they started on the meal. Talk was infrequent, but not uncomfortable. Mostly they talked about plans for the next couple of days, and discussed whether or not to go early to the McClain barbecue.
Afterward, they went for a long, leisurely walk in the warm evening before they eventually came back to the patio to sit on the big double swing and watch the sunset. The sky started to darken then and the stars began to wink to life in the huge expanse of blackness overhead. The lights from the headquarters and from inside the big house shown brightly enough on the patio to provide low light.
Lainey looked over at Gabe’s relaxed profile, still fixated on the need to make a fuller apology to him. In spite of today and this evening, the past dragged after them everywhere, and the sadness and regret she felt about it dogged her every thought and weighted her heart. She found the courage to make a small start.
“Would I spoil all this if I…”
Lainey let her voice thin to silence. Perhaps her motives weren’t right. Was it selfish to keep bringing up the subject? Gabe deserved to hear a full apology, but perhaps she was as motivated by the pain of holding it inside as she was by the sense of obligation she felt to make it. And what might make it particularly selfish was that bringing the subject up again had the potential to spoil the fine day and wonderful evening he’d arranged for the two of them.
“If you what?”
Now she saw his profile grow slightly harder, as if he was starting to withdraw from her.
“Please don’t do that—don’t close yourself off.” Lainey touched his forearm urgently. “Please. Just forget I said anything.”
“It’s been eating you up all afternoon, so you might as well say it,” he said as he looked at her. His eyes went somber. “Then I’ll say what I’m goin’ to, and we’ll be done with it.”
Lainey felt a shiver go through her. He had to know she was about to try again to apologize, but she couldn’t tell if that last part of what he’d said was a warning or not.
She thought again of all those packages she’d sent back, and because of her new insights into him that day, she couldn’t help that her heart broke a little more. Now that he was allowing her to do it, what apology could she possibly offer that could take the sting out of all those rejected gifts and letters, along with every other rotten thing she’d done to him?
As many times as she’d rehearsed it in her mind, now that the time had come, her brain suddenly wouldn’t give her anything more eloquent than a stumbling start.
“I’m—I’ve wanted to tell you so long, I…thought of lots of words, but…” Lainey’s fingers tightened on his arm before she could make them relax, frustrated as she struggled for the power of speech. Her hand was shaking so she lifted it from Gabe’s arm to grip it with her other hand in her lap.
It was even harder to keep her gaze fastened to his. If Gabe could somehow judge her honesty by something he might see in her eyes, she wanted him to have a full opportunity to do so.
“You didn’t deserve a second of the hatefulness or trouble I caused you,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry about that, about everything. Deeply and profoundly sorry. I’d like t
o make it like it never happened, but I know that’s not possible.” Her voice broke on the word. “Maybe I can still make it up to you somehow, some way. And maybe, if I can do that much, what I did before might fade. In your memory, I mean. In time. But whether it does or it never can, I’m still profoundly sorry. If I could do it over…”
He’d let her get out the bungled words until her own emotion and frustration squeezed them off, but even though he’d let her ramble on, all of it sounded paltry. Sick about that, she hastily added, “It all must sound lame to you now, but m-maybe over time—if you still want me to stay—you’ll see that I genuinely mean it.”
Lainey managed to get in a shaky breath. Shaky because it was so hard to hold back the flood of tears that were suddenly crowding up from her heart, but also shaky because his face had gone stony and his gaze was now turbulent.
Her nose began to sting so sharply that her gaze shied miserably from his. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him, though she couldn’t help that he could probably tell she was about to. She didn’t think he’d scorn her tears, but she didn’t want him to think she was trying to manipulate him into going easy on her.
“I accept.”
The gruff words almost undid her effort to hold back. She couldn’t quite manage to look at him yet, but she slipped up a hand and curled her fingers into a fist that she pressed brutally against her lips to distract her from the prickle of tears.
When she could, she dropped her hand and looked at him. Gabe’s face had blurred a little in the dim light, and she got out a strangled, “You’re…sure?”
“We’ll start even from here.”
Lainey tried not to read any more into that than he might have meant.
“Start even?” She held her breath, hardly daring to believe this.
“Our marriage won’t have much chance if we don’t. The slate’s clean, but I need to know something.”