Freya's Quest

  ‘Sera committed suicide in August, 1970, only a few weeks after she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan’s been living with the guilt over somehow having failed her ever since.’

  I sank down onto the sparse moor-grass, recovering from the revelation.

  ‘That clarifies a lot! My God….’ I remained pensive for a while. ‘Perhaps he’s relieving his guilt by pretending she’s still alive. And he does this through having sex with other women, believing they’re actually Seraphina. He moves on quickly when they don’t match her standard.’

  ‘An interesting theory, but pure conjecture. And amateurish. I think you’ve been reading too many of those psychology texts in his library.’

  Then she paused, considering what I’d said more objectively. ‘Perhaps you may have something there. Certainly I was the first or second person he tried to seduce after her death. And I was the nearest thing to her in looks.’

  I didn’t want to break Veronica’s trust by telling Janis about the photographs of the sisters in their younger days, so simply asked: ‘How much like her are you?’

  ‘In personality, intelligence and interests, very different. In appearance, very similar. You must see how much my face resembles Emily’s?’

  ‘Yes, very much so.’

  ‘Well, Sera’s face was little different. A Faversham trait, if you like. But Sera was a little taller. Fuller in figure. Bigger boobs! Or “assets”, as my father often said. She always beat me at everything. Even that!’

  I couldn’t help laughing and she joined in, even though there’d been a tinge of bitterness to her words.

  ‘Still,’ she said, after further reflexion, ‘I imagine if she were alive today, she’d look pretty much like me. You must remember, though, she had very long, jet-black hair. Even longer than Emily’s, reaching down past her waist.’ Looking more melancholy, she added: ‘So did I….once.’

  Janis’s hair, whilst also jet-black and of a vibrant sheen, was cut short around her ears and barely reached her collar.

  ‘What was it like, knowing you were so much alike as sisters?’

  ‘I didn’t mind looking like Sera. You can’t begrudge being born beautiful. But she was always the favourite. I was devastated by her death. But it did somehow relieve me of my mother’s belittling comparisons. Then again, looking like Sera was a nightmare when it came to Dylan. He had such a control over me. He managed to possess me whenever he was back from university. He even drove me away from my fiancé, a local mountaineer, and, much later, my husband as well.’

  ‘Why haven’t you left Dylan? Why are you still friends with him?’

  ‘It may sound funny, but I love him. I suppose I was jealous of him falling for Sera, and not me, in the first place. It boosted my self-esteem to have him in my bed. A fantasy come true, I suppose. But there’d been something deeply tragic and unhealthy in their young love, even before she topped herself. And I began to detect his desperation and how much Sera had affected him. You see, in killing herself, Sera had also killed Dylan’s child. The autopsy revealed she’d been three months pregnant.’

  I swallowed hard, but remained silent.

  ‘Despite my sympathy for him, and our physical and emotional closeness, there was something deeply claustrophobic about our affair. I felt smothered. Almost merged together with him. I needed to escape. So I left abruptly, moving to Glencoe in Scotland to train as a mountain instructor. Once there, I purposely cut my hair short, not so much to spite him, but to dissociate myself from Sera’s image. Then I went abroad – first to the Alps, then on Himalayan expeditions. I loved the challenge anyway, but I could also be free from his possessiveness.

  ‘By the time I returned here, Dylan had matured and he was successful. I didn’t want to start another sexual relationship with him. But there’s always been something about him, which overcomes one’s doubts and feelings.’

  ‘I know what you mean. A kind of charismatic charm that unsettles you, hypnotizes you even.’

  ‘Yes, exactly.’ She furrowed her brow. ‘Looking back, maybe I’d been fooling myself all along. When I came home, I quickly married a postman and became a housewife. But my heart was never in it. It was never going to work out.

  ‘Dylan’s magnetism was too great. When he seduced me again, I realized my seven years away had been a facade. I’d always wanted him. I’d been hiding from my own primitive feelings all along. I’d been full of regrets about going away. He’d changed in that time. He’d become a published novelist. His sexual exploits had merely grown, although not into the public domain yet. But I could live with all that. I’d come to expect I’d have to share Dylan with other women. It seems strange to outsiders, I know. You seem to be learning to accept this as well, judging from last night.’

  I felt my anger welling up again.

  ‘I apologize for being so blatant when you stumbled in on us. You see, when I’m with him, no one else can get in the way of that. It’s my time; there can be no intrusions. It’s also a way of coping with his other women.’

  I tried to remain calm, but inside I was in turmoil.

  ‘I was like you once. It took me a long time to accept I was never going to have him all to myself. Once I realized I wouldn’t, strangely I became much calmer. I know little about you. But you’ll either have to accept him for what he is or leave. Otherwise, it’ll get too much pretty quickly. As for me, my childhood was so messed up….My family so full of secrets I still don’t understand….Or choose to block out….My parents so emotionally denigrating to me….Dylan rebuilt my sense of self, my self-esteem, my confidence. I’ve sacrificed a lot. But to leave him fills me with unthinkable dread.

  ‘Yet he damages as well. I’ve felt it. Emily much more so. I should’ve protected her from him. I could just about cope at twenty. He took advantage of her when she was still under age.’

  ‘Yes, she told me. It’s no wonder she’s left.’

  ‘She left, and changed her image, for the same reason I cut my hair short. Most of his women seem to love every minute of their relationship with Dylan in the early stages. You seem no different. But I’m not sure Emily ever did.’

  She looked at me, but I didn’t comment.

  ‘I think it runs deeper with her and me. We’re the closest thing he has to Sera. It’s as if he puts all the good and tender feelings for Sera into me and all the bad feelings – the anger – for Sera into Emily. At least that’s what my therapist thinks.’

  She giggled at my surprise, but it felt artificial. ‘Yes, I’m not ashamed. I’ve been seeking help for years. I wish Emily had taken my advice to do so, too. But she’s rebelling against authority at the moment – an acting out stage. She’s trying to escape from her pain.’

  ‘Maybe that’s why she’s into drugs.’

  ‘Drugs?’

  ‘Yes. Heroin. Didn’t you know?’

  ‘No.’ She looked distraught. ‘She rarely confided in me. Not since we became love rivals, at any rate. But her feelings’ll still be there, haunting her, no matter how many drugs she takes. She’ll have to face them one day. I’ve had to. He’s mistreated her. I know she’s had two abortions already.’

  ‘At her age!’ I could feel my emotions welling up in my eyes again.

  ‘You OK, Freya?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, recovering somewhat. ‘Hearing that was a little too close for comfort. You see, I had an abortion myself around the same age.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s OK, you weren’t to know.’ I had surprised myself. I’d kept this sordid secret for so many years. Now I’d told two people in a matter of days. It felt cathartic.

  We walked on in silence for a time.

  ‘My mother has a lot to do with it as well. She – even more than Dylan – was trying to get Emily to fit into Sera’s shoes. Eric and I were the black sheep even before Sera died. It never surprised me when Emily became the focus of all her attention from then on. We all had intelligence, but Sera was a genius, destined for top academic and
artistic honours. She’d done her A-Levels by fourteen; could play five musical instruments; spoke three languages fluently; and her paintings were already being exhibited at the time of her death.’

  ‘I’d understood she’d been special.’

  ‘Yes. She was very talented, but ultimately bored. There were very few challenges in the world for her. Part of this disillusion might hold a key to her death. Only Dylan held any excitement for her. Maybe that still wasn’t enough.’

  ‘I see. What about Emily?’

  ‘Well, how could she follow in those footsteps? Emily was a practical girl. She always liked to play and explore. Mother made her follow a similar academic path to Sera, but she was never likely to live up to her expectations. I despair now, looking back at the amount of after-school tutoring my mother foisted on her. It doesn’t surprise me she ultimately rebelled. I’m worried we won’t ever see her again. Just like Eric.’

  ‘Tell me more about him.’

  Janis paused and inhaled deeply. ‘The family don’t really talk much about him. He went off the rails. Got in trouble with the law. Hurried off abroad and never came back.’

  ‘Is that why your mum’s so fearful about Emily? That she’s following in his footsteps?’

  ‘Maybe. Certainly Emily’s departure has tapped into her underlying guilt. But I’m not going to feel sorry for her woes. She deserves it.’

  We were interrupted by E-J running back to us for a while and chattering away as incomprehensibly as ever. Together we clambered onto the summit of the next peak, High Spy. We were now over two thousand feet up. We stopped for a short break, sipping tea under expansive skies.

  When we resumed, and E-J had walked off ahead again, I strove for refocus. ‘You still haven’t really told me why you’ve grown to love Dylan?’

  ‘Why does anyone love? Why him? Because he’s like an unexplained part of me. We’re like two halves of the same person. When I’m with him, we’re emotionally there for each other. He’s tender, his lovemaking’s superb.’

  ‘Yes. You don’t have to tell me that!’

  ‘Savour what he can give you in that department. I’ve had other lovers, but no one else comes close to him….

  ‘He also gave me independence from my mother. He backed my rock-climbing school financially, in the face of my mother’s derision of such a harebrained scheme. It’s become very successful. It’s my all-consuming interest now. It’s made me. I’ve nearly paid back Dylan’s loan completely.’

  ‘But I sense there’s something else keeping you tied to Dylan, isn’t there?’

  ‘Maybe.’ But she did not elucidate.

  I left it there. If Janis didn’t want to talk about it, then I had the courtesy not to try to drag it out of her. After all, she’d already talked so freely and frankly, to an extent far more reaching than I had ever thought she would.

  We were starting to descend steeply off the ridge, through the slag heaps of a neglected nineteenth-century mine. I was exhausted. And the boots Dylan had bought for me were beginning to hurt my feet. After complaining for some time, Janis sat me down and took them off, finding my heels and little toes had blistered badly.

  She brought out her first-aid kit. E-J swirled around us impatiently as her mother skilfully plastered over my wounds. ‘You poor thing. Dylan should’ve told you mountain boots take a lot of breaking in.’

  She helped me to my feet and stayed near, assisting me to negotiate the descent. E-J skipped on merrily ahead, still full of energy, and grateful to be moving again.

  We had started the day’s walk at nine o’clock; now it was after three.

  ‘We’ll stop by that stream down there in a minute and finish off the rest of our lunch. Looks like you could do with a little more sustenance. Once we’re past this bit, it’s a much more gentle walk.’

  ‘Good,’ I sighed, showing how much I meant it.

  ‘Esmerelda!’ Janis screamed suddenly. ‘Get away from those mine workings!’

  She rushed down to where E-J was located, next to a gaping shaft. Janis gave her three rapid slaps on her bottom, whereupon E-J began to cry.

  ‘Haven’t I told you enough times to keep near me and not go wandering off?….Answer me, sweetheart.’

  ‘Yes, Mummy,’ E-J whimpered.

  ‘Good. You could’ve fallen down there, love, and hurt yourself….or worse. Y’know I only want to keep you safe, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, Mummy.’

  Janis kissed and cuddled her daughter then, as if to seek her forgiveness for losing her temper.

  We sat down to consume the last of the sandwiches, mintcake and orange juice. Then we were off again, joining the old railway which had once served the mine, the tracks long-since removed.

  E-J bounced off ahead again, although she did turn around every once in a while to keep an eye on her mother.

  I took this moment to say: ‘I think I know the overriding reason why you stay with Dylan.’

  Janis stared at me, but said nothing.

  ‘E-J is Dylan’s daughter, isn’t she?’

  ‘How did you guess that?’ she said, taken completely unawares.

  ‘Well, I know Dylan’s favourite classic novel is Notre Dame. He called his dog after one of the principal characters; so it seems natural to assume he might’ve named his daughter after another of them.’

  ‘Indeed. Clever. You’re right, of course….But please don’t tell my mum.’

  We descended a little further down the slope.

  Then Janis said: ‘We’ve talked a lot about Dylan, but you’re somewhat of an enigma yourself, aren’t you?’

  I gave her a puzzled look.

  ‘You intrigue me. You have an intellectual curiosity that reminds me a little of Sera. Maybe that’s why he finds you so appealing….But I’m fascinated about what attracts you to him, beyond his obvious sexual prowess. There’s a compulsion in you to go deeper. Is there an ulterior motive?’

  My defences came swiftly into action to quell her suspicions. ‘No, not really. I only wish to understand him better, that’s all,’ I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  We walked on without further comment.

  The track descended through a small gorge. I was stunned by the sight. The mountain had eroded away to leave a small crag of more resistant rock, rising like a sentry all on its own, guarding the Derwent valley. I realized I had seen it several times from differing vantage points over the last few weeks. Only now, at close quarters, did it get my undivided attention.

  The path ran directly through this cleft. I looked up at the cliff and the great mass of scree strewn across its slopes.

  ‘This is the most romantic place I’ve ever seen. What’s it called?’

  ‘Castle Crag,’ Janis answered politely, but somewhat strained.

  I noticed a route to the top, weaving steeply through the scree.

  ‘Can we climb it?’

  ‘No,’ Janis said brusquely.

  ‘Oh, come on. It won’t take us long.’ With that, I began to climb up the path, all thought of my exhaustion and the pain in my feet forgotten for the moment.

  Janis was left with no option but to follow with E-J.

  The scree turned out to be the waste product of a quarry, located right on the top. The path zigzagged through the heaps of slate, past a ruined house and the hole the quarrymen had left, to the summit.

  Stunted trees lined the edges, where rocks sheered away into cliffs. A memorial for local men killed in the Great War elevated the peak a few feet higher.

  I reached the top long before the others arrived. No one else was there. For a few moments I had the place to myself.

  I was absorbed by the fantastic panorama. I could make out the Skiddaw massif, Keswick and the ferryboat we’d travelled on earlier in the day still chugging its way across the lake. I wished I could wake up every day to such a view.

  Presently, Janis approached.

  ‘I’m glad I came up here. For only fifteen minutes of exertion, one couldn’t hope fo
r a better summit. It crowns the day for me.’

  I swung around and hugged Janis. ‘Thank you for a marvellous day.’

  She tensed up and pulled away from me. She rushed down the pathway at breakneck speed, gathering up E-J on the way.

  I cursed to myself. The friendship I’d been trying to cultivate all day had been jeopardized, but I couldn’t understand her reaction.

  I followed the Nortons off Castle Crag, down through the gorge and into the forest by the banks of the river.

  Surprisingly, we had come out at the very place where Dylan and I had met Emily the other day. But she and her newfound friends had now decamped.

  When I caught up with Janis, she was sitting on the riverbank, her back turned towards me, dangling her feet in the clear water.

  I came and sat down next to her, not attempting to look at her face.

  E-J was paddling in the river with other youngsters. We had caught up with the tourists again.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jan. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but I’m truly sorry for upsetting you.’

  Janis turned her head to face me. She looked as if she’d been crying ever since she’d left Castle Crag.

  ‘Don’t worry.’

  We set off again, through the campground and along the lane to Grange.

  I was expecting Janis to explain what had upset her for every silent second of that walk back to the Citroën. But nothing could prepare me for what she was about to reveal.

  Janis stopped in the middle of the Grange bridge, leant against the wall and gazed at the water. Then she lifted her head and looked back towards Castle Crag, now masked by the trees.

  ‘You see, Freya, you were standing on the very spot where Sera threw herself off!’

  - XVII -

  WHEN I AWOKE the next morning, I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. As I turned over, I felt a strange sensation. I held up the duvet to find the whole of my body covered in freshly cut red roses from the garden. Overcoming my initial surprise, I smelt their sweet fragrance and became caught in the romantic mood Dylan had wanted to induce. I cast off the covers, which sent some of the roses onto the floor, and stood up. As I did so, I stepped on some of the discarded roses and winced as I felt pricks in my feet. I knelt down and clutched my foot, realizing he had left the thorns on the stems. This broke the mood.