by Jenn LeBlanc
“I shall never know the love of a man,” she whispered.
Perry studied her face, counting the small scars that crossed her cheeks. He ran a finger over each one.
“Show me,” she whispered.
He leaned back. “What?”
“Show me, please— Show me what it means to be loved, to be cherished. Help me forget that…man. Help me,” she pleaded. “I can feel him all over me, touching me.” Her hands moved over her body anxiously. “I can feel him surrounding me, the way he felt on me, inside me—” The last she nearly screamed as her body shook violently and she begged through her tears.
Perry shook his head. “I cannot do that, I— You need to find someone else. You will find someone…”
“I’ll never find someone so long as any touch makes me jump, so long as the closeness of another person frightens me. You see how I fight, and I don’t mean to, not with you. I’ll never be all right, not until someone shows me what it means to be all right. Please, please show me. You are practiced, you know how to make a girl feel important. You can help me. I believe you can teach me how to feel…right again,” she beseeched quietly.
“Lilly, I cannot, I— I have never had a relationship of import. I have never taught a soul a thing. I cannot be the one you need, you must find—”
She shook her head stiffly. “No, I want you to show me, I trust you. This is no relationship. That should make it easier, because I don’t expect anything from you but a tender touch, a caress, a bit of care. ‘Tis why it must be you, because you can do that, without expecting it to be anything else—”
Lilly looked into his green eyes and could see the tumult, the thoughts wrestling between what was right and what was proper.
Perry was disheartened by her final words, that he could take her without expecting anything from her, that he could show her what love felt like without actually giving his heart, or taking hers. She was right, of course, he knew this, but with Lilly it wasn’t what he wanted.
He wanted more for her, he wanted better for her, someone who would care for her, love her, take her to wife. She deserved more. More than him.
His hand went to his face, rubbed his eyes, closed them tight against the sting of the truth as he held her at a distance. If only for one night he could shake off the invisible binds that held him from her, this small damaged woman he had no right to touch, no right to care for. How had it come to this in one night, that he was irrevocably drawn to protect and honor her wishes? He opened his eyes, lit with the fire of his pain, and lowered his mouth to hers gently.
Her eyes fluttered shut.
He brushed his lips across hers to warm them for a stronger kiss.
She flinched.
He shook his head. “Lilly, this is impossible. You ask the impossible. You will find someone to help you through this, but it won’t be me. It can’t be me. I’m sorry. I understand your pain—at least I believe I understand what it is you wish for. But I simply cannot do what you asking of me.
She pulled away then, turning and lying down on the bed. She gave him her back and nothing more. His hand reached out to her, only to stop a mere breath away from touching her. He should go.
He stood and moved to the door, hoping she would be all right alone in this room. Because there was no way he could stay here with her and not hate himself the next day.
Perry didn’t sleep a wink that night; instead, his ear was practically pressed to the wall for fear she would have night terrors. She didn’t, by the grace of God, and he was dressed and prepared to travel on at first light. He met his men in the stable yard as they were hooking up the landau.
“This simply will not do.” He looked to Kerrigan. “We need to take the train. Traveling with Lilly simply will not work.”
“I believe the line from London is finished through Carlisle, the next train should depart in the morning. We can take the train from there. I’ll send a wire to prepare a private coach and make arrangements for the team and carriage.”
Perry nodded and turned back to the inn to find Lilly at the window of her room, gazing down from above like an angel wrapped in white. “I’ll go— Eh, I’ll go get our charge prepared to travel.”
“Milord—”
Perry turned and put his hands up. “What? Tell me how this is to be handled. I am managing by a thread.”
“Milord. I only meant to say we shall be ready to quit the inn at half past.”
Perry’s mind emptied. He blinked, attempting to restart his thoughts to no avail.
“Milord. Half past.”
He shook his head and pivoted toward the inn.
Lilly met him at the door, smoothing her gloves over her knuckles, the drab woolen traveling dress she’d worn yesterday like a curtain in front of their previous ease. “Milord, how can I help?”
“You are my guest, you are not my servant. My men can handle the arrangements. We will travel on to Carlisle where we will take the train to London. We will arrive late tonight if the train leaves on time. “
She nodded and took up her bag.
Perry handed her up to the carriage. “The next train won’t leave Carlisle until the morning, so we will spend the day in the country, staying the night and leaving early tomorrow.”
She didn’t respond as he took the seat across from her. The carriage swayed as his men boarded. When it lurched, he leaned down to take her foot. She pulled away and he gave her a warning glance.
“Trust me,” was all he said, from the approximate vicinity of her knees. His skin warmed where he held her. He ran his fingers down her leg, then grasped her ankle when she tried to pull back, lifting her leg up across to his knees. Removing her ankle boot, he massaged her foot. She jerked, but he held fast. “There is more to intimacy than the sexual act,” he murmured. “There is more to learn, beyond how to be with a man in a state of undress. Anyone can learn that easily.”
She watched his long fingers wrap around the bridge of her foot, massaging, working, tensing, relaxing. She had never been touched in such a manner. She slowly loosened into his hold, concentrating on the feel of his hands on her.
She finally leaned back into the squabs and looked out the window, settling in for the ride to the station.
The rest of their journey would be completed by rail, and the prospect of a train ride excited her. As per His Grace’s plans, the final leg of the rail line replacement was underway and would be complete within the next two weeks, before his house party. It was all the talk back at Eildon.
She took a deep breath and felt him replace her boot, fastening the hooks then carefully setting it on the floor. He reached for the other. She watched him move, willed herself to sit peacefully, but her nerves jumped nonetheless and her foot jerked. She shook her head and closed her eyes when he looked up to her with a half smile, holding her foot solidly to prevent her kicking him in the jaw.
He wrapped his warm hands around her leg through her skirts, chasing the tremors away as he stroked. She breathed deeply and slowly. Concentrating on the pressure from his hold, the sweep of her skirts against her over-sensitized calf, the lulling sway of the carriage, the bright warm sun through the wide curtains in the box. She closed her eyes and gave her senses rein.
The fact that she fell asleep easily under his ministrations confirmed that she had not slept the night before, just as he hadn’t, thereby explaining the lack of night terrors he was sure she suffered. He pulled her across the carriage, tucking her against his side and pulling her legs across his. He studied her features, how the tension slowly softened. The carriage rolled along, avoiding the large ruts from the previous night’s storm. Occasionally her features would strain and he would caress her hand, carefully releasing the tension, allowing her deeper sleep.
How am I to survive this?
They pulled through a gate into a high meadow to break their journey and take lunch. Perry jumped down from the landau and lowered Lilly to her feet, then pulled a rug from the boot, taking it and the basket of re
past to a nearby great oak. He spread the rug as his men saw to the horses and set to their own feast at the back of the carriage.
Satisfied, Perry looked over to Lilly, who seemed torn between joining his men and staying where she was. Perry grunted. How could it be she had nary a thought for joining him after all they had shared?
“Lilly, you cannot possibly feast with my men. You will have to suffice with my company for luncheon. I do beg your pardon for not having separate arrangements for you. I should have considered your position. The men will not think on it, for there is no other choice,” he said, loud enough for everyone to hear.
She walked slowly to his side, then knelt on the opposite edge of the rug. He hadn’t fully realized how difficult their separation of status would be, or how it might pain her to cross those boundaries.
“Please take as you will, there is enough for an army here,” he said, pushing the basket toward her. “Are you enjoying the journey as yet?”
“Very much, milord. I haven’t ever been this far south, of course, never more south than Roxleighshire, really.”
He watched her take a stem of grapes, savoring each one, then poured her a glass of sweet wine. “Tell me of your family.”
“You know Meggie, my sister. There’s Keegan and Patrick, my brothers, and of course Ma and Pa. Just us six there. But the people in Kelso are terribly close, as we all take care of each other. Well, we have to, since we’re so far from the rest. I mean, not so far as London, mayhap, but we prefer to be afar, ye see.”
“It must be something in the water up in the north country, as my brother tends to that same affliction.”
“His Grace must be the most wonderful man there is up north, milord. He sees to us all without complaint. We’re ever so distant from the seat, but still he takes care of us as need be. I hear tell of many a landowner that has no countenance for support to the lands not directly in his grasp.”
“He is quite dedicated to his entailments, of which Kelso is undoubtedly one, regardless of its removal from the seat of the dukedom. His Grace sees no difference in status between the entailments of the dukedom and the entailments of his earldoms and viscountcies. That, in truth, is what makes him possibly the greatest duke in Britain.” He paused, sipping his wine. “Of course, I do carry a partiality,” he added with a grin.
Lilly giggled, and the sweet sound of her laughter broadened his smile. He let it drift over his skin like silk and cast it to memory, pledging himself to force the sweet notes from her as often as he was able.
“Milord.” The word was tense and he knew what was next.
“Lilly, do not.”
“Please, sir, you do not know how difficult it is for me to even ask this of you. A viscount, for heaven’s sake! I’m nobody, and you’re a viscount. I shouldn’t even be speaking with you, much less…” Her voice trailed off. “This cannot be too much to ask, your reputation—”
He rubbed his eyes. “Is not based on the ruination of innocents.”
“I’m no innocent.”
“But you are, in every sense of the word save one. You are. We cannot be together. It would not be right.”
She shook her head. “Have you ever wondered about the aristocracy? How God chooses one man to be born a duke and the next in a gutter?”
“I cannot say as how I had ever thought on this until I met you.”
“And now?”
“Now I wonder how I could have been so fortunate. Touched by God to be a leader among men, and what have I done with that as yet?”
“You served in the Royal Navy, milord. You served Queen and Country.”
“Then returned only to serve myself.” His jaw clenched and he twisted away from her.
His coachman, Gardner, walked up to gather the basket. “Milord, ‘tis time we got on,” he said, startling Lilly to her feet with a squeal.
Perry stood and caught her as she swooned, dismissing his man with a wave. “Lilly, sweet Lilly,” he said, smiling gently as he bundled her back down to the rug with him.
She shook terribly, but calmed within the circle of his arms. He lifted her chin, gazing down into her upturned face as she slowly lifted her lids to gaze deeply into his eyes. He gasped, feeling her stare deep within. Something about her stilled his soul, paused his searching, calmed his confusions.
Before he knew what he was about, his mouth had covered hers, their eyes still locked, and he was watching, waiting. Then his mouth shifted over hers and she yielded. His eyes closed and his hand tensed behind her neck, holding her to him. Her fingers quivered their way to his lapels, then drifted up, lacing at his nape, her thumbs gently caressing his jaw as her eyes closed.
The sigh that escaped her became trapped between them, serving to harness his rampant passion. He soothed her, gentling his ministrations until her hands loosed and he could break away. He looked up to see the boots of his men as they shifted on the other side of the carriage. He could tell they were impatient by the way they dug their heels in, disrupting the soil. He made a mental note to speak with them later. They wouldn’t like him using one of their own, and any servant in his house or Gideon’s qualified on that point.
They arrived in Carlisle late that afternoon, taking several rooms as the inn was nearly deserted. The next train would leave in the morning, and the keep was happy to be busied with guests and prepared a feast with Perry’s accord.
That night as they withdrew, Perry escorted Lilly as far as her door. He watched his men enter their respective rooms, then turned to her. “My dear sweet Lilly, my room is just adjacent to yours. These walls are sturdy, but thin. The slightest sound and I will be here, if you have need of me.”
He saw the corners of her lips lift without her looking up at him. “Not that sort of need, sweet, not tonight.” Her smile faded as she lifted her chin. “Remember, there are other things you need learn. This is one of them. You need to learn to be alone.”
She shook her head, imploring him with her eyes.
“Once we reach London there will be no chance of being alone for you in my household. This will be our last opportunity for this lesson.”
She looked warily around his tall form, into the open doorway. The room was dim, lit only by the fire and one lamp next to the bed. She placed her hands on his arms, and he became pliable at her touch, his immoveable form shifting at her bidding.
He watched her enter the room, slowly looking around, and regret tensed his gut. She turned, hand on the door as she smiled up at him, then she pressed the door closed before him.
He reached out to the doorjamb and leaned forward, resting his forehead as the bolt slid home, protecting her from the outside world—from him. He breathed harshly, willing the door to open to him, to no avail. He heard heavy steps on the stairs and he turned, sweeping into his room.
He retired in his shirt and trousers, his concern for the woman in his trust making him restless. At some point he drifted off, unaware he was dreaming of her until he heard the shriek through the wall behind his head. He vaulted from the bed and went through her door in a rain of shattered wood. Scanning the room, he found her curled beneath the bed, shaking the frame above her.
“Lilly.” He walked to the bed, but she didn’t move. He started to kneel as the keep ran to the door. “Apologies, I will make reparations.” The keep turned and left, grumbling the whole way. Perry kneeled beside the large bed then laid down on the floor, reaching out to take her small hand in his.
“Sweet, sweet Lilly,” he sang softly under the bed toward her. “Lilly, my Lilly, you are all right. Everything is fine, I am here, please, sweet Lilly, come out,” he whispered. He saw her shift, and her face lifted to his, her eyes reflecting the light from the fire. He heard boots behind him and knew it was Kerrigan. He waved him off without looking and heard him retreat to just outside the open door. Her hand tensed and he tugged, gently pulling her out and rolling to his back, lifting her body across his. She clung desperately and he paused to hold and comfort her.
&nbs
p; Slowly he rose, first sitting up and shifting her, then standing to his feet. He carried her back to his room, as the door to hers was irretrievably broken. He nodded to Kerrigan as he passed. The man went into her room and gathered her things, then followed.
“Milord, p’raps—” Kerrigan started.
Perry laid her out carefully on his bed and tucked her in before he turned around.
“Perhaps what, Kerrigan? Perhaps she needs the rumor of two men in her chamber? Perhaps she should be watched by you, easily as strange to her as I? Perhaps what, Kerrigan?”
Kerrigan shifted uncomfortably, not finding an answer as Perry approached. He took Kerrigan’s shoulders and commanded his gaze. “Perhaps, Kerrigan, you worry too much. I’ve done nothing but protect her thus far, and I’ll do nothing she doesn’t ask of me in the future. She’ll be perfectly safe under my watch, and not a soul would dare argue her respectability with me,” Perry said. “I do, however, appreciate your concern, but for tonight let us try to rest as best we are able.”
Kerrigan smiled stiffly. Looking over Perry’s shoulder at the girl now sleeping, he grunted then turned, pulling the door shut behind him and returning to his room.
Perry moved to Lilly, brushing the hair back from her face and watching her expressions. Content that she was settled at least for a while, he moved a chair next to the bed, putting his feet up and sinking in as far as he could. Sleep was most definitely a necessity at this point. Beyond that, there wasn’t much outside this room he needed.
The next morning they boarded the train—carriage, horses, and all. Perry took an entire car for his party. It consisted of several berths. He steered Lilly toward the largest forward berth, which took up nearly a third of the railcar, and let his men settle in the others. The berth had a single bed, a seating area near the windows, and a dining table. He thought it quite luxurious and considered looking into having a railcar outfitted for himself.