by Jenn LeBlanc
“We’re off, Gardner.” He then gave a nod to Kerrigan, who mounted the rear of the landau with wide eyes.
The girls’ giggling sounded like a cacophony of sweet songbirds taking flight. Only Maebh didn’t join in their mirth.
Perry saw her glare and knew instantly the reason for her ill temper. A family outing was never used for his kind of conquest; it was sacrosanct, something for the family and those who were to be family. He shifted under her unspoken scrutiny, then returned the glare.
Maebh looked away, concentrating on the girl Perry had brought into the fold. There was something about Lilly she couldn’t quite grasp. She wished she could get a clear view of her face beneath that bonnet. She wanted to study her eyes and discover what it was that had Perry captured.
Perry grinned when she looked away, ever wary of the danger of his empathic cousin, then rested his gaze on Lilly, who was attempting to keep up with the countless questions volleyed her way. He prepared himself to intercede the moment she became unsure or uncomfortable.
“No—yes—yes—well, I don’t—oh, you mean—no, no, I didn’t—well, I never did becau—oh, all right.” She fielded the questions admirably, much to his delight.
Perry had Gardner circle the park toward the outside lane, then pull up adjacent to the lake. His men jumped from the carriage and Kerrigan retrieved rugs from the boot and spread them near a giant oak, then ran back for several large baskets of provisions.
Perry stood at the landau, handing down the endless train of females to the emerald carpet of the sprawling lawns before them. They milled in a swish of skirts and parasols, awaiting the last of them to alight. Only after Lilly descended did they turn as one, heading jovially toward the repast. Perry did not lose her hand once she was afoot; he wrapped it around his arm, escorting her to the picnic.
“Well, sweet, how do you feel?” he murmured as he leaned into her.
Lilly smiled up at him from below the brim of her bonnet.
“You are the most surprising young lady I have ever met. You have my cousins enraptured,” he said softly. “And you have me beguiled, captivated, enamored.” He whispered the last words, his breath wafting gently over her ear.
She shuddered. “Maebh—”
“Don’t be concerned with Maebh, she isn’t like most. She feels deeply with her heart, yet as precious as she is to me, she has never approved of my, eh— Well. Let us just say she feels for the women who thought more of their position with me than I did.” He frowned; it wasn’t a very becoming statement, he supposed. “I only meant that—”
She waved him off. “Don’t, I beg you. I understand what you’re saying, as I also understand what she’s feeling. I admire you for recognizing her concerns.”
They reached the rugs under the watchful gaze of the four cousins who had preceded them. Perry handed Lilly down to sit first. His cousins followed in succession like a flower opening to the sun, each petal a different color. They laughed, enjoying the company.
Perry laid out the feast, passing loaded plates to each of the cousins and Lilly before filling his own plate and stretching out on the ground behind her to enjoy the peace.
Lilly turned to find him smiling up at the heavens, his eyes closed, absentmindedly munching an apple. She smiled in return, wondering what his daydreams contained.
“Saoirse, let’s walk around the lake,” Maebh said as she glanced at Lilly, then stood.
Saoirse also looked at Lilly and smiled, then grabbed Isadore, who grabbed Poppy, and they walked, arms linked, toward the peaceful water.
“It seems we have been left to our own devices,” Perry said without opening his eyes.
“We— Oh.” Lilly looked around, then her gaze landed on Perry’s relaxed visage. She enjoyed the play of sun and shadow across his cheeks. “Will they be all right on their own?”
“Oh, quite. However, I’ve no doubt Kerrigan is following and Gardner is watching.”
She glanced again to find Kerrigan following an easy distance behind the ladies, Gardner standing not far away from them while scanning the landscape. She smiled; he knew his men well.
“Sweet, how do you find my cousins?”
“Oh, they are wonderful—really, truly wonderful. I miss Meggie,” she said suddenly. “I think I would like to go home.” The realization struck her without warning.
Perry heard the note of sadness underlying her tone and opened his eyes to study her. “Only say the word and I will have you returned to my brother’s household. In fact, my cousins will be quitting London soon to join Roxleigh for the wedding festivities.” His voice carried a note of sadness. “I don’t wish to keep you where you don’t wish to be.”
Lilly shook her head. “’Tisn’t that,” she said, slipping into her comfortable brogue. “’Tis jus’ that I’ve never been without my family. Meggie and I were never apart till she joined the duke’s household, and of course I never expected to be far from her.”
Perry turned and moved in front of her, sitting up. “We have never discussed what is happening here, Lilly. That could be an egregious error on my part. It would damage me to know that I had hurt you in some way.” He looked off into the distance, realizing at that moment that it wasn’t she he was worried about as much as himself. His emotions had never traveled to the place they currently inhabited, not before her.
“No, my lord.” She emphasized his title and picked up her proper speech patterns again. “I know my place in this world, just as well as I know yours. There is no doubt in me that this—” She gestured between them. “—goes no further than where we are now. I will always hold a place for you, if not in my heart then in my soul. For what you have done for me.” She twisted her skirt between her fingers. “There is simply no way for me to repay so many kindnesses.”
Perry scowled. “Don’t think for one minute that I take nothing from this, my sweet,” he said sardonically. “I am enjoying myself and our activities rather thoroughly. After all, that is who I am and what I do, is it not? That is recompense enough.”
Lilly’s jaw dropped, and he saw her eyes glaze over with tears.
Perry stood quickly and walked away from her to lean against the nearby tree. He should never have been so callous. His forehead hurt from the strain in his mind. Her words had done what he knew they would. She was correct, but he was broken. He would never be right, not without her by his side. Something had changed within him; the shift was complete. He could never return to his old ways, he could never look at another woman the way he had in the past.
He pounded a fist against the trunk of the tree, looking up into the leaves as he thought about her. The way she moved. The way she smiled. Yes, his cousins accepted her now, but they had no idea who she was. Would his family accept her when they did know? Calder hadn’t had any difficulty acknowledging her, but he assumed Calder only thought her to be a temporary fixture in his life. But then if that were true, why would Calder recommend she meet the ladies of the family? He wouldn’t have. If Calder could accept Lilly without qualm, then so would the rest of the family.
Perry shook his head and turned to apologize, to beg forgiveness, but she was gone.
Perry’s entire body tensed as he scanned the park for Lilly’s petite figure. His cousins and men were the only people in sight. Oh God he was an ass, if something happened to her now because of him—
“Lilly!” he bellowed, startling the four ladies. He paid them no heed. “Lilly!”
Callous bastard. He shook his head. He should have known better. Why was it that Lilly could unman him so easily, turn his mind to pudding? He truly needed to get his wits about him.
They rushed toward him, Gardner and Kerrigan in tow.
“What have you done, Perry?” Maebh asked.
“Maebh. What I have done I am all too eager to remedy. Do not cast aspersions on my soul just yet. Right now I simply need to find her.”
“Perry—”
“No! I’ve no time for this! Gardner! Kerrigan!”
“Not. Now. Maebh!”
Shock in her eyes, Maebh turned from him as he sent Gardner off with Isadore and Poppy and Kerrigan with Maebh and Saoirse in another direction. She threw one last glance at Perry then moved off, around the lake.
He stared across the park without seeing. His mind considered options, but he didn’t pay much attention as he blindly strode away from the lake, deeper into the park. He had to find her, and soon. It wasn’t just that he had to find a way to apologize, but if Hepplewort— he stopped the train of thought. There were stands of trees breaking up the vastness of the sweeping green lawns. He peered into each copse as he passed, his eyes searching for a slash of crimson.
Several times he ran for a tree, only to find the breeze playing tricks on him. He turned and walked toward a thicket bordering another copse and paused, pulling a flower from a bush and crushing it in his hand, letting the petals fall to the ground slowly as he moved deeper into the trees.
How could I have been so cold as to speak to her that way? How am I going to repair this? Regardless of station, regardless of possibility and future, he knew she deserved more from him, no matter how deeply that affected his way of life. He needed to stop thinking of her as the poor damaged servant girl from Kelso.
He groaned. He suddenly wanted the impossible from her, the responsibility of her. But she was a lowly scullery maid, possibly someday to rise as high as lady’s maid, but no more—never to a rank suitable for his attention, never to a status at which he could offer. He really wasn’t himself if he was considering marrying a scullery maid.
He shook his head, leaning back against a tree. She could be anywhere by now and she had every right to run, to leave. He had treated her as badly as Hepplewort—no, worse. Hepplewort had never made her promises, spoken or unspoken, so there was no basis for his destruction. Hepplewort was a stranger, but Perry had given Lilly kindness, sensitivity, and a certain regard—then he took it all back in one fell swoop.
His jaw clenched, and he closed his eyes tight against the sting behind them.
He felt irretrievably broken for his actions. He wouldn’t find peace until he found Lilly and repaired this damage. Yet he didn’t think it possible, and had no right to try. She certainly shouldn’t accept it, she shouldn’t accept him. In fact, she should stay away. It would be far better for her if he never saw her again—but he couldn’t imagine never seeing her again. And then there was Hepplewort. Still...somewhere. He panicked at the thought, his chest seizing and his eyes flying wide as he tried to breathe.
He turned to head back toward the open lawns and—
She was there, too far to touch but close enough he caught the scent of his own bath oils on her skin. Her eyes were on fire, her spine rigid, her hands clasped in her skirts. She had never been so beautiful.
“Lilly!” He collapsed before her, his breath finally loosed. Sitting back on his knees, he tangled his hands in her skirts and pulled her to him as though he needed proof of her existence. He buried his face in the folds. She smelled of fresh cut lawn and warmed sugar and him. “I thought the worst possible, oh God I thought—”
Her hands opened in panic at her sides.
“I beg you, I never should have said what I said,” he said. “I was— You should never forgive me. I beg you forgive me. You have me at such a disadvantage, I have never felt—” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I feel.” He couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing how she must look upon him, knowing he would see her anger. He couldn’t see her anger again. His shoulders shook.
“Perry,” she breathed.
He moved his arms around her knees and pulled her closer still, turning his head to the side and holding her closely.
“I think it would be better if I left,” she whispered, her hand coming down to stroke his hair.
“No, please—”
“I don’t think this is a situation we can remedy. Your station will always get the better of you, as will mine. There can be no future for us. To continue now would be to demand failure, as well as more pain.” She tugged gently at his hair, urging him to look up.
“Lilly.” He released her, placing his hands on his knees as he tried to gather his composure. He stared at the ground between them. “I can’t imagine— I can’t even begin to fathom how it would be to never see you again. And I can’t grasp how I would see you but be unable to have you.”
Breathing slowly, he managed to rein the most powerful of his emotions that demanded he hold onto her and not release her until she acceded to his will. His fingers dug into the flesh of his thighs.
“I cannot imagine this either, at this point. You have brought me to life, given me time. I would never have lived had I not come with you, had you not agreed to—to what you agreed to.” She shook the thoughts of his lessons away. She needed to see his eyes but he refused to look at her. Perhaps that was better; if she actually saw his pain, this might be impossible. It was difficult enough watching him in this defeated posture.
She didn’t understand why she affected him so deeply. He could have any woman he wanted. She should have merely been a plaything, a temporary muse. “I had no idea,” she whispered. “I never should have asked. If I had known what this would do, I—” Her voice broke and he glanced up. She lifted her hand to cover her quivering lips and he looked away again swiftly.
“Don’t say that,” he said fiercely. “You’ve changed me just as much as you say I’ve changed you. I was lost, and you found me. I ran from my brother’s house, yet now I understand that all the reasons I left were wrong. I understand how he felt, I understand why he could do the things he did.”
He stood, his voice rising with each word. “I relinquish my station. I’ll disappear, with you, because I now understand. I understand how he could shun convention and propriety and nearly give up everything he is—no—everything he was meant to be. For her, Lilly, all for her.”
Their gazes locked, he lowered his voice to a tenor that caught at her soul and refused to release, that low resonant tone that made her skin aware of his very breath. “He would do it for the joy in her eyes, the light in her smile, the sweet sound of her laughter.” His eyes traveled her body. “The sway of her hips, the delight in her sighs as he fulfilled— her every wish.” His eyes caught hers again, and he moved to stand a hair’s breadth away.
Her breath hitched, and she raised her hands instinctively as protection between them, but his hands had already made their way about her waist, pulling her solidly against him.
“Lilly, my sweet Lilly, I have injured you in a way I have no justification for. I do not understand why I did so, and therefore can offer no excuse nor recompense. All I can do is promise on my honor that I will endeavor with every breath to keep it from happening again for the rest of my days.” He held her close, leaning his head down to rest on her bonnet.
“You’ll not relinquish your title for me. I should leave here— I should go, it would be better for you if I did. I— I cannot allow you to do something so foolish. I truly don’t know what you mean to accomplish by doing so.”
“Let me show you what it means.” His hand went to her chin. He tilted her head back, his mouth descending. He brushed his lips across hers, warming them, begging her blood to rush, to heat her body. She sighed as he took, delving into her mouth to taste her, explore her, feel her. He was gentle, considerate and careful.
Drawing back slightly, he opened his eyes. And as her lips chased his, wanting to be kissed more thoroughly, he watched her and waited.
Frustrated at being so close but not being allowed her desire, Lilly opened her eyes and looked into his smoldering gaze. What she saw there, in their depths, shook her.
“I love you, Lilly, sweet Lilly. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He pulled her ever tighter against him, caressing her lips with his words.
The reverberation of his voice against her mouth sent a shiver through her and she couldn’t help but to sigh again. She melt
ed into him, a single tear running down her cheek.
He kissed it away, then kissed her again, the salt of her tear flavoring their passion, fueling their connection.
“You cannot leave me,” he said quietly, “for I am naught without you.”
She shook her head, not wanting to break the cloud of emotion that enveloped them but knowing she must. “No, milord, it isn’t right. It isn’t.”
“I see that I will need to convince you still.”
He released her, and she nearly fell to the earth with the sudden loss of his powerful embrace.
He lifted her in his arms and marched for the carriage, her skirts trailing behind them like the abandoned ribbons of a maypole.
The rest of the luncheon party had gathered by the barouche, waiting.
Maebh caught sight of them first and strode forward.
Perry stopped just short of her and placed Lilly on her feet. She immediately ducked behind him as he caught Maebh’s gaze. “Not one word Maebh, not one.”
She glanced from Perry to Lilly, whose expression was overwhelmed and discontent, then back to Perry. Her eyes softened and Perry sighed. “I only— I didn’t mean to say what I said. I just—”
“It matters not. You’ve found her.” She dropped her voice until it was nearly inaudible over the gentle breeze. “She’s not like us, Perry, and I believe you take that for granted.”
“I’m attempting to show her, Maebh. I am attempting to do what’s right.”
“I understand that you are, but can you not realize that a week of explaining cannot possibly eradicate a lifetime of learning one’s place?”
“What do you know of her place?”
“It’s more than obvious: she dodges eye contact, flushes when any of us say her name, is terrified of using our names. Certainly you can see this as well?”
He nodded. “I can, and perhaps she needs more than a week, but—”
“Or perhaps she needs to return to what she is familiar with.”