by Halsey
BLUBBER
You went and caught a whale for me
Seven hundred days at sea
You cut him up in chunks
real neat
Turned him into kerosene
You said it was a present
You told me
to close my eyes
You tied me to a metal chair
And opened up
my thighs.
You rubbed me down in Vaseline
and pressed your body
up
against
me
You soaked me down
in gasoline
Lit me up
And then discarded me.
You said you’d always love me
from my
head
to my
toes
And then
All at once
you loved me to a little death.
PUSSY
Beautifully folded salmon sweater
Cashmere sleeves and slouching turtleneck
I want to slide inside
and feel the hairs on my arms
stand on end
Silver threads and white cotton
spilling from the seams
Japanese pink ginger
toffee and coffee taffy
Velveteen ear of a baby deer
Wrap around me like a ball python
swallow me whole
like a blind baby mouse
cinnamon in the swings
sour peach candy rings
Sweet surprise
She’s open wide.
I follow like a moth to the bulb to fry.
THE MIRROR
I’m pulling
funny faces
in the mirror,
wiping down
the glass
so I see clearer.
I’m trying
to feel safe
inside.
My body
doesn’t feel
like mine.
I look at who I am.
I think I fear her.
BAD DAY: 1
I’m sorry
I’m having another bad day.
My bones are creaking
And my eyes leak
Like a broken faucet.
My mind is a bullet train
And I can’t stop it.
I’m stuck in the middle of an avalanche and I’m not moving.
These things they come and go,
and I mean half of everything I tell you.
I’m half of everything I hate,
and half of anything I create
is you too.
So I start to hate the music when I hate you.
EIGHT
There was a mailman
I loved as a little girl.
He would stop at the communal mailbox
On the street
In the center of the apartment complex
And begin sorting mail away
Into 150 different little boxes
We lived in 1202
I would rush from my house
To greet the mailman
And he would talk to me as he worked
Filing away bills and cards and coupons
He would ask me questions
Quiz me
And give me a piece of Bazooka gum
For every question I got right
I would spin around and crush my sneakers
rocking up and down on my toes
I would curl one piece of hair
Around my finger while I thought of the answers
I would slide my tongue between my teeth
and the windows where they were missing
And between every mailbox
The mailman would look at me and smile
He’d pat me on the cheek
And tell me
That I was as smart as he was.
As smart as any man.
And I believed him.
Because why wouldn’t I?
I was 8.
I knew that George Bush would win the election.
I knew the Pythagorean theorem.
I read 300 books from the public library
And I could draw every animal by memory.
I liked him ’cause he gave me chewing gum
And talked to me in his low voice
Calm and soft
Not the shrill, high-pitched voice
They would use on my baby brother.
One day the mailman didn’t show up for work
I ran out and stopped in my tracks
There was a different man there
I asked if my friend was sick
The imposter ignored me
The new mailman showed up a few days in a row
The kids in the neighborhood said
The old one had a heart attack in a bowl of spaghetti
And died with noodles up his nose
I cried
One Wednesday I ran out to the new mailman
And asked if he had any gum
He told me to stay away
Because he didn’t want to get in trouble like Charlie
I didn’t know my friend’s name was Charlie
And I didn’t know how I could have gotten him in trouble
So I asked my mom
How you could give someone a heart attack
And she rubbed her head
and stretched her feet across the couch and said,
“It feels like you’re gonna give me one right now.”
I didn’t want my mom to die too.
So I hid in my room
And I cried
Because I was 8
And a murderer.
IS THERE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
You arrive late.
Half-smile on your face.
Your tongue is thick,
I love the taste.
“Welcome to my new place.”
Haven’t seen you in a year,
you come out of your skin.
You’re tripping on your sneakers,
beg I let you in.
I say,
“Where have you been?”
You answer,
“Where do I begin?”
You’re coming early.
I mean this
figuratively.
Demeanor is cautious.
Unprovocative.
You’re still
so fucking talkative.
“Haven’t told you in a while,
but you’re the reason for it all.
You’re a vital complication
I never seem to resolve.”
I say,
“Why all this silence?”
You answer,
“Mind’s been so violent,
a tyrant.”
You’re boring me
with stories
of your unproductive glory.
You say the only thing
as good as that
was me.
I put you in my bed
again.
I take you down
like medicine.
Revisit the same old
regimen.
Just substitute
the gentleman.
WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY
I am not allowed to want to die anymore.
Believe me, I have tried.
TONGUE TWISTER
Peter Piper
picked
a peck
of people
he could utilize.
Built
a better
batch
of music they could advertise.
But Peter
never learned the way
that people compromise.
His only method to communicate
was to harmonize.
He never
ever
spoke a word
when we were feuding.
Major to minor
I only liked him
when he’d play me something soothing.
Could understand him perfectly
if he did it while producing.
Emotions come and go,
they’re either lovely
or abusing.
Maybe that’s the reason
all my records are confusing.
We met in a studio and I couldn’t break the silence
’cause he was raised
a Socialist
and I was raised on violence.
I had to be the best
and he was fine with trying.
Sometimes he built me up,
sometimes I was declining.
We got an apartment in a valley,
it was low enough.
Just like the song,
but we were far away from blowing up.
We fought like animals
and did the same when
making love.
I know that it seems crazy
but I really couldn’t make it up.
The only time that it was easy was in transit.
I’m quiet in a car
’cause I was on another planet.
Felt like he didn’t listen
and I couldn’t understand it.
It was more than different languages.
I took it all for granted.
The summer killed me,
skin was crawling,
couldn’t stay still.
A suicide
inside my body
(went onstage still).
I hear it echo
through the arena,
“Du er
et minne.”
AMERICAN WOMAN
My insecurity
hurting me
all these boys gonna flirt with me
But my head down
on a mattress
famous actress
and she skrrrt’n me.
There’s too much space
between her skirt
and
me.
“Let’s take some tabs of acid
at Lake Placid,”
I say certainly.
Still too afraid to touch her
but it’s
urgin’ me.
She says, “You’re staring
and quite frankly
shit is irking me.”
I’m feeling hatred from the waitress as she’s serving me
She thinks I’m spoiled
probably thinks I’m some suburban me.
Thinks I’m a child of a
Money-hungry
Prideful country
Grass is green
And is always sunny
Hands all bloody
Tastes like honey
But we’re finding it hard to leave.
I got no space in my memory
Just some pics
of a friend and me
I got a mailbox
and a mansion
But no letters that you send to me
That house has haunted me for centuries
Should take a rock
and throw it at the windows
but they bend for me
I want to break some.
Ache some.
Feel like I’m awake some.
Meet with all my issues
And then
finally
handshake ’em.
And eventually when you tell me
all the reasons that you’re leaving me
I have to hide them
so the people still believe in me.
THE FUNERAL
I finally killed my pride.
I saw you yesterday
and felt a funeral inside.
Like someone I love died,
and they asked if I wanted to see the body.
I know it won’t be the same.
It will hurt me so badly
I’ll choke on your name.
But how could I let this go?
I love you more than I love anybody.
This must be a nightmare
it couldn’t be a dream.
I’ll watch you in the shower
I’ll rub all your limbs clean.
I’ll rinse off all the wounds we caused
when we were being mean.
I’ll dry you off and hold you
and kiss you in between.
Your friends will all be happy
and mine will wonder why.
Your mother will start to worry
why you made your lover cry.
My father will be angry
and you’ll be left
alone.
HEREDITARY
I don’t look much like my mother
But I know my kid
will look just like me.
With eyes that gleam
and razor teeth,
And Jordan 1s
on two little feet.
I’m impatient
and passive-aggressive
compulsive
obsessive
But mostly poetic
I’m whatever I’ve seen
on a movie screen
I grew up banging
on a pinball machine
I spent a lifetime
trying to wake up
and be mean.
But I will
never
believe
That I belong to the side
with the guillotine.
(You should eat the rich
Even if that includes me)
I still run
on gasoline
But my insides
are gooey
Like gelatine
I’ve got:
Cellophane in the place of a windowpane
A mixtape where I used to keep my brain
Daydreams running like an Amtrak train
I’m sunbathing in the door of an aeroplane.
Imagine if I weren’t always busy all the time.
I would love to get a tan line
and call you from a landline
and maybe
hold
your
hand,
crash-land
In a land mine.
DRAMA QUEEN
Can you hear the silence of being alone?
The deafening stillness
of everything you’ve ever known?
Put on pause like a VHS tape
A full-on heartbreak
And you whine
and cry
and it echoes through the static of a television set.
Can you see the darkness of this void?
Bewildering emptiness of knowing that he had a choice?
Pause
like a checked cassette tape
An empty slate
And you scream and cry and it shakes
through the static of the radio waves.
Can you feel the fabric of being alone?
The rush against your skin
that vibrates all along your bones?
Pause like a broken zipper
A sterling silver whisper
And you shake and shiver from a velvet shimmer
(will you pull it down just a sliver?)
Loneliness never made for a good song
You’ve been singing on your own
all along
Writing records in your bedroom
since 15
Drama queen
Well you’re older now it seems
Loneliness never made for a movie
No blockbuster Oscar, no silver screen beauty
Behind a Technicolor lens since 19
Drama queen
Well you’re older now it seems
Why is everyone so mean?
TERTIARY
Peach clean
on a silver screen
He goes lime green
at the thought of me
He’s got big dreams
like you can’t believe
Been mean
since 23
Dark blue
like a deep lagoon
3 girls
in a hotel room
Missed calls
ringing to the tune
of dark tones
in your attitude
Soft gold
like a centerfold
He’s got
no taste for the rock and roll
He’s so
uptight and I’m no control
No reason to let it grow
Chartreuse like an aging bruise
He speaks
soft words but it’s still abuse
I forget
when you sweet-seduce
We’re in love
but it’s no excuse
Tell me nothing changes when you leave me
But I been making changes, please believe me.
TELLTALE
I think it’s for the best
if I should open up my chest
and mail the contents to your hotel room
to wake you while you rest.
BAD DAY: 2
I’m sorry
I’m having another bad day.
I’ll yell and scream
and tell you things
like “I hate you.”
My mind is the only place
where I can take you on.
I’m stuck in the middle of the ring, but I can’t fight today.
These things they come and go
and I mean half of everything I tell you.
I’m half of everything I hate,
and half of anything I create
is you too.
So I start to hate the painting when I hate you.
TORNADO
I can feel it burn in my nose.
I can feel the tears swell
like raindrops in the corners of my eyes
until they get so fat
they threaten to slide down my face.
My fingers graze your arm
and I can feel little electric volts
wrapping up and around my wrists
like a spiral staircase
like a static handcuff
holding my hand hostage to your skin.
I can feel my heart climb into my throat
and curl up on the carpet
with its head between its knees,
to hide from the
beat
Beat
beating loud
like a thunderstorm outside.
I can taste the salt of your sweat
on the roof of my mouth.
I can remember the taste
like it’s still on my lips
even when I am 3,000 miles away.
In my head,
I replay a mixtape of your laughter
sounding off from my phone
and I call you every 20 minutes.
I will hold your hand till my fingers are cold