‘Oh, I am.’ He reached across the table and captured her hands. ‘It’s wonderful news, even if we didn’t plan on it happening.’
He squeezed her fingers and Zoë shivered. She’d not allowed herself to think about that night they’d spent together but when Ben touched her like this, she couldn’t help remembering how wonderful it had been. They may have slept together to mark the end of their relationship, but it had been a magical experience. It seemed fitting that it was then they had created this new life growing inside her, a tiny memento of the occasion which she was desperate to protect.
Zoë took a deep breath, feeling the certainty of what she was doing chase away her fears. She was willing to give up her own life for the sake of this precious child.
Ben could hear his own heart beating. Every time he spoke it was to the accompaniment of a sound like a big bass drum thumping in the background. There should have been trumpets too, he thought, playing a fanfare so they could turn this into a real celebration. He was going to become a dad! What more joyous occasion was there to celebrate than that?
He took a steadying breath and got his euphoria back on its leash. Wonderful though this news was, it didn’t change the situation. Zoë may have come to tell him about the baby but it had been out of a sense of duty and not because she wanted them to get back together. He didn’t want that either. She’d hurt him too much to willingly take such a risk again.
‘I’m glad you’re pleased, Ben.’
She withdrew her hands and Ben felt a chill slide down his spine when he saw the expression in her eyes. It wasn’t so much that she was deliberately distancing herself from him—he was used to that. It was the hint of something else he saw there, a kind of wariness or fear even, that made him grow tense. If he wasn’t mistaken, Zoë had something else to tell him apart from this piece of news.
‘What haven’t you told me?’ he demanded. ‘Come on, Zoë, out with it. You’re holding something back, aren’t you?’
‘Yes.’ She looked down at her hands for a moment and then raised her head. ‘Two days after I realised I was pregnant, I discovered a lump in my left breast. I’ve had all the tests and there’s absolutely no doubt about the diagnosis. I have cancer, Ben, and I’m going to need treatment for it, which is where I hope you’ll come in. I’m going to need your help to look after this baby.’
CHAPTER FIVE
ZOË saw the colour drain from Ben’s face. She wished with all her heart that there’d been a gentler way to break the news to him but nothing she could have said would have prepared him.
‘I don’t know what to say…Hell, I don’t know what to think even!’
He stood up and strode out of the hotel but Zoë didn’t go after him. He needed to work this out himself, decide if he could commit to helping her. Having a child was one thing; having a child with a woman who had a life-threatening illness was something entirely different. She wouldn’t blame him if he decided to opt out.
A sob rose to her throat but she forced it down. She wouldn’t be able to cope if she gave in to the fear gnawing at her insides. She had to remain strong if her baby was to survive. Automatically, she laid her hand on the curve of her stomach. Her pregnancy was just starting to show, her waist thickening, her breasts growing fuller and heavier. The baby inside her didn’t care if she had cancer—it simply wanted to survive and she intended to give it the best chance possible. That had been the driving force behind her recent decisions. Once she’d discovered it was possible to continue with the pregnancy, she’d known it was what she wanted to do. She was going to give this precious child a chance of life, no matter what it cost her.
‘Tell me everything, right from the beginning.’
All of a sudden Ben was back, looking so in control that it was scary to see the change in him. However, Zoë guessed it was the only way he could deal with what she’d told him and didn’t resent it. It didn’t matter how he felt about her so long as he promised to take care of their child. She stood up. ‘Let’s go up to my room. It’s a little too public in here for this sort of conversation.’
Ben didn’t say a word as he followed her to the lift. They rode up in silence, neither of them seemingly having any desire to speak. Unlocking the door to her room, Zoë ushered him inside, pointing to the armchair beside the window.
‘You have that. I’ll sit on the bed.’
Ben walked over to the chair although he didn’t sit down. He waited until she had seated herself then looked at her. ‘OK, so what happened exactly?’
‘As I told you, I found a lump in my breast one morning when I was in the shower. It was about the size of a pea, very hard and regular. I did wonder if it had something to do with me being pregnant but in the end it simply didn’t feel right.’
‘So you went for tests?’
‘Yes. My doctor told me it was probably a cyst but just to be on the safe side she sent me for a biopsy. She wasn’t keen on me having a mammogram because of the danger to the baby so we bypassed that stage.’
‘And the biopsy came back positive?’
‘Yes. It was a shock, yet I think I had prepared myself for bad news so it didn’t hit me as hard as it might have done. It was a stage 1 tumour and the surgeon removed it with a lumpectomy.’
‘You’ve already started treatment!’ he exclaimed.
‘I had the operation two weeks ago. Obviously, having a general anaesthetic presented a risk for the baby. However, I’ve had a scan since then and my obstetrician is confident that everything is fine.’
‘I thought the usual procedure was to terminate a pregnancy when it’s discovered the mother has cancer,’ he cut in.
‘It is. My doctor tried to persuade me to have a termination but I decided against it.’
‘You were willing to balance your chances of survival against that of your unborn child,’ he said slowly. ‘That’s what it may come down to in the end, Zoë, and that’s what puzzles me. You’ve never wanted children so why take such a risk with your life?’
‘Because when I discovered I could be left infertile after the treatment, it changed my perceptions of what I want from life.’ Tears trickled down her cheeks before she could stop them. ‘This could be my one and only chance of having a baby, and I don’t want to lose it.’
‘Don’t!’ He knelt in front of her, gathering her into his arms while he rocked her to and fro, and Zoë cried all the harder. She’d been so shocked and so scared, and it had been so hard to face what was happening on her own.
She cried until she had no more tears left and felt much better for it. She had been bottling up her emotions for weeks and it felt good to get them out into the open. It also felt marvellous to have Ben there, holding her and making her feel so wonderfully safe.
She gently freed herself, knowing that she couldn’t let him hold her any longer. She needed his help for the sake of their child but she hadn’t changed her mind about what she needed. She loved him but she wasn’t going to risk having her heart broken. She couldn’t cope with that on top of everything else.
She stood up and went to the dressing-table, plucking a tissue out of the box and wiping her eyes. Ben was sitting on the chair and he smiled as she sat down on the bed.
‘Feel better now?’
‘Yes, thank you.’
She dredged up a smile, aware of how stilted she sounded. Keeping him at arm’s length had never been easy and it was more difficult than ever now, but she had to do it. She couldn’t let him take over her life, care for her as well as their child. What if he grew tired of the responsibility, then how would she cope? To allow herself to feel safe and secure only to have it all snatched away would be too much to bear.
‘So what happens next? You’ve had a lumpectomy and I imagine the next stage is chemo.’ He frowned. ‘How will chemotherapy affect the baby? It must pose a risk to the child, yet you can’t not have it because of the risk to you.’
‘I’ve done a lot of research in the past few weeks, and had a lot of advice fro
m various experts, too,’ she assured him, focussing on the practicalities rather than how she felt. ‘The opinion is that so long as chemotherapy doesn’t begin until the end of the first trimester—around fourteen weeks—the baby is unlikely to be harmed in any way.’
‘But being pregnant must present more of a risk for you. What about all the extra hormones that are whizzing around your system—surely they will exacerbate the problem?’
‘I was concerned about that too, but I got in touch with an oncologist in London and he assured me that being pregnant won’t make any difference.’ She gave a little shrug because it was hard to talk about this and remain unemotional. ‘Basically, being pregnant won’t shorten my life and if I have a termination it won’t lengthen it either. My cancer will follow its course and that’s that.’
Ben looked down at the floor and she could tell that he was struggling to deal with what he was hearing. It was a lot for him to take in on top of learning that he was to be a father. Leaning over, she touched his hand.
‘I’m sorry, Ben. I wish I didn’t have to tell you all this. I know what a shock it must be for you and I apologise for that.’
He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. ‘There’s nothing to apologise for, Zoë. You didn’t ask for this to happen. I only wish I knew of a way to make it go away.’
‘I wish you did too,’ she said softly, touched by the sincerity in his voice. Maybe Ben had changed in many ways but inside he was still the same deeply compassionate man she had always admired and loved.
The thought was too painful. She could have found real happiness if she’d accepted what Ben had been offering her, stopped fighting her feelings and admitted that she had loved him too. If she had faced her fears, they could have been together for ever…Or for however long she had left in this world.
A cold chill enveloped her. She had no idea how long for ever would be, had she? She might have years ahead of her but, equally, she might have only months and nobody could tell her which it would be. Could she really have borne to watch Ben suffer if her treatment failed?
She let go of his hands, mentally and physically distancing herself even though it was incredibly hard to do so. Ben had never blamed her for her inability to accept his love. Oh, he had tried to change her mind—many times! But he’d never blamed her and it was typical of him, what made him the man he was. He had put her first and, if she’d let him, he always would have done so too. Now all she wanted was that he put that same love and dedication into caring for their child.
Ben got up and went to the window, needing a moment to collect himself. What Zoë had told him had knocked him for six. He may have worked hard to get over her but that didn’t alter how he felt at this moment. The thought of a world without Zoë in it didn’t bear thinking about.
His heart shuddered as he turned to her but he refused to let her see how afraid he felt. If she could deal with this with fortitude, so could he. ‘When exactly are you starting your chemotherapy?’ he asked, relieved to hear that he sounded almost normal.
‘In two weeks’ time. I’m booked into the Clinique des Bois on the fifteenth.’
Ben frowned. ‘You’re having your treatment in France?’
‘Of course. Where else would I have it?’
‘Here, of course. I thought that was why you’d come back to Dalverston.’
‘Not at all. I’ll be having my treatment in Paris.’
‘But you said that you needed my help?’ he said roughly, and heard her sigh.
‘With the baby, Ben. Sorry. I didn’t make myself clear.’
‘You didn’t.’ He sat down again. ‘I don’t understand, Zoë. How can I help with the baby if you’re living in Paris?’
‘You can’t, not at the moment anyway.’ She hurried on when he looked blankly at her. ‘If anything happens to me, Ben, I want to be sure that our baby will be taken care of. It’s a lot to ask but if I know that you’re willing to bring up our child, I’ll feel so much easier.’
‘If anything happens…’ He stopped and swallowed but there seemed to be a lump in his throat the size of Ayers Rock. Zoë expected him to look after their child if she died? What she didn’t want was him to be involved before that event.
Anger rose so swiftly inside him that he had no time to control it. ‘How dare you cut me out like that? I know you don’t give a damn about me, Zoë, but at least I thought you had some respect for me.’
‘Ben!’ She shot to her feet when he rose. Ben could see the shock on her face and part of him regretted his outburst. Zoë didn’t need this on top of everything else she had to contend with, but he couldn’t help himself. Zoë didn’t want him. She just wanted him to take over if anything happened to her.
‘Ben, please. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I never meant to upset you…’
‘I’m sure you didn’t. You wanted to avoid any kind of emotional upset, didn’t you? Well, I’m sorry, Zoë, but that isn’t going to happen. I intend to play an active part in my child’s life. I intend to be there for him or her every step of the way, from conception through to birth, and beyond. What I don’t intend to be is some sort of stopgap who will pick up the pieces if you die.’
He saw her blanch at his bluntness but he refused to compromise. Maybe Zoë thought she didn’t need his help but he knew differently. She had weeks of gruelling treatment ahead of her and she needed all the support she could get.
‘So what do you propose?’ she said in a tiny little voice that cut him to the quick.
‘That you come back to Dalverston and undergo your treatment here.’
‘But I work in Paris—how will I manage if I come back here?’ she protested. ‘I need to earn a living, Ben.’
‘There’s a vacancy in ED. It’s only temporary while one of the staff recovers from surgery, but it’s yours if you want it. As for where you’ll live, you can stay at my flat. There’s two bedrooms so you won’t feel compromised in any way.’
She flushed. ‘I really don’t think that will be an issue, do you?’ She didn’t give him time to reply, which was probably a good thing. Ben didn’t want to think about how it would be, having her live with him. He groaned. If he was overcome with lust, he would just have to deal with it!
‘I’m not sure, Ben. It just seems simpler if I stay in Paris as I’d planned.’
‘And what happens if you find that you can’t cope by yourself, or that you feel too ill to work?’ he said, knowing that he had to convince her to see sense. The thought of her going through this ordeal on her own was too much—he had to make her understand that it was crazy even to contemplate it.
‘It may not come to that,’ she countered but he saw the fear in her eyes and knew that her bravery was merely a front. Underneath, she was scared to death and she had every right to be too.
He leant forward, holding her gaze. ‘I hope it doesn’t, Zoë, but you don’t know how you’re going to feel once your chemo kicks in. It’s hard enough just being pregnant and holding down a demanding job, but when you factor in the rest…Well.’
‘It’s a big step, moving back here,’ she whispered.
‘Yes, but no bigger than the step you took when you left. You’ll have a job and somewhere to live, people who care about you and who want to help you. You aren’t running away now, Zoë. You’re ill and you need all the support you can get. That’s all I want to do, help you any way I can.’
‘And take care of our baby,’ she said softly, her eyes staring into his. ‘He or she is the most important thing in all of this.’
‘Of course.’ Ben wasn’t sure if he agreed with that sentiment but he didn’t say so. He didn’t want to admit to himself let alone Zoë how devastated he would be if anything happened to her. ‘By taking care of you, we’ll be taking care of the baby too.’
‘And if anything does happen to me, if…if my treatment isn’t successful, you promise that you’ll always love and care for it?’
Tears burned his eyes as he nodded. ‘You know I will
. I shall love this child and do everything in my power to make sure that he or she is safe and happy.’
‘All right, then, I’ll do what you ask and come back to Dalverston.’
She turned away but not before he’d seen the glisten of tears on her lashes too. The urge to take her in his arms and comfort her was overwhelming but he knew it would be a mistake, not because she might reject him—he could handle that. But because it might upset her even more and he couldn’t bear that, not when she was trying so hard to be brave.
He got up and went to the door, his body aching with a pain that ran bone-deep. He’d thought he was over her but it certainly didn’t feel that way. ‘You must be worn out. I’ll leave you to rest and speak to you tonight.’
‘I’m flying back to Paris tonight,’ she told him and he sighed. It was clear that she had allowed herself the minimum amount of time to persuade him to fall in with her plans. If he hadn’t agreed, she would have returned to Paris and that would have been the end of the matter.
‘I’ll drive you to the airport, then. What time does your flight leave?’
‘Seven o’clock but you don’t need to drive me there. I hired a car and I’ll have to return it.’
‘Fine.’ He could sense the barriers going up and knew he needed to back off. He’d won a major battle and he could afford to concede this skirmish if it made her feel less threatened. ‘Give me your Paris phone number and I’ll be in touch. It will take a few days to get everything sorted out, I imagine, but you should be back here…when? Next week, the week after that?’
‘I’m not sure.’ She stood up straighter. ‘I hadn’t planned on this, Ben.’
‘Neither had I, but we’re both going to have to learn to adapt, aren’t we?’ He knew that sounded harsh but he wasn’t going to give in and let her go her own sweet way, struggling to cope on her own, and she had to accept that. Her shoulders slumped as she turned away and started to straighten the bedspread.
‘I’ll let you know when to expect me.’
The Doctor's Baby Bombshell Page 5