That night they scaled new heights together and as they came back to earth some time later, Ben knew that it would take very little to fall in love with her again, only he couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t deal with the fear of having his heart broken on top of everything else. He would do everything in his power to help her and their child but he wouldn’t let himself love her: he couldn’t.
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘I KNOW how daunting this must seem to you, Zoë. However, I’m confident that we can get you and your baby safely through the next few months.’
‘Thank you.’
Zoë returned the other woman’s smile, hoping her nervousness didn’t show. It was Monday morning and she had her first appointment with Deborah Gaston, the oncology consultant. Daniel Walker, the obstetrician in charge of her care, had asked if he could sit in so he was there as well. That made four of them in the office including her and Ben.
Zoë took a quick little breath as Ben leant forward and picked up the notes Deborah had prepared for them. There hadn’t been a repeat of what had happened the other evening—she’d made sure of that. Although she didn’t regret making love with Ben, it would be wrong to let it happen again. It wasn’t fair to use him as an emotional crutch when the future was so uncertain. At the moment, she couldn’t see beyond the next few months, beyond getting through her chemo and giving birth to their baby.
‘I’ve been in touch with several consultants who have experience of this type of situation and they were all very encouraging. Following their advice, I intend to adjust the drugs you’ll be given. Instead of the usual regime of FEC—that’s fluorouracil, epirubicin and cyclophosphamide—which is the gold standard for treating breast cancer, I shall drop the florouracil and give you a double dose of cyclophosphamide.’
Deborah looked at her and Zoë nodded, determined that she was going to stick to her decision. She would keep Ben on the periphery of her life as much as it was possible to do so. ‘You’re the expert, Miss Gaston. I’ll abide by whatever you decide.’
‘Good. From what I’ve been told that’s the best way forward.’ Deborah turned to Daniel. ‘Are you happy with that, Daniel?’
‘As Zoë said, you’re the expert, Deborah. I’m more than happy to leave that side of things to you.’ Daniel turned to Zoë and she saw the compassion in his eyes as he looked from her to Ben. ‘I know how worrying this must be for you both, but I’m confident that we shall deliver a healthy baby at the end of it. We’ll scan you every two weeks throughout your pregnancy and it goes without saying that if you have any problems, we shall deal with them immediately.’
‘There’s still a risk to the child, though,’ Ben said quietly.
Zoë’s heart ached when she heard the strain in his voice. Maybe no one else in the room could hear it but she knew him too well. Reaching out, she gripped his hand even though she had sworn that she wouldn’t cross the dividing line again. She had to stay on one side and Ben on the other, each of them dealing with any emotional issues the best way they could. They’d needed each other the other night and it had helped, too, but they couldn’t handle this as a couple when it could make it all the more difficult for him in the future, alone. She gently withdrew her hand, because it wasn’t fair to Ben to pick and choose when she offered him her support.
‘The drugs could adversely affect the baby,’ he stated bluntly.
‘They could. However, the fact that chemo will be starting at sixteen weeks, when the foetus is fully formed, means that their effect should be minimal.’
Daniel sounded full of confidence and Zoë saw Ben relax and felt a little better. Maybe she did need to maintain her distance but she couldn’t pretend that it didn’t hurt to see him suffering. They left the office a short time later, armed with the notes Deborah had prepared for them. Ben sighed as he tucked them under his arm.
‘Looks like we have some reading to do tonight.’
‘I’m on a late, don’t forget,’ Zoë reminded him, pressing the button to summon the lift.
‘Drat! I’d forgotten about that.’ Ben followed her into the lift, frowning as he watched her select the ground floor. ‘Do you think it’s a good idea to carry on working while you’re having your treatment, Zoë? It’s bound to knock you sideways and with you being pregnant as well…’ He trailed off and shrugged.
‘I don’t have much option. I need to earn a living,’ Zoë said shortly because it was something she had thought about a lot. She had no idea how the chemotherapy was going to affect her and it was worrying to think that she might feel too ill to work.
‘That’s crazy! You know very well that you don’t need to work. I’m more than happy to support you.’
‘Yes, I do know that, but it wouldn’t be fair, Ben.’ She shook her head when he went to interrupt her. ‘I’m sorry but I’ve made up my mind and you’re not going to change it. I have no intention of freeloading off you.’
‘And I have no intention of standing back while you wear yourself out,’ he retorted. The lift had reached the ground floor but he ignored the fact that the doors had opened. ‘You need to see some sense.’
‘No, what you mean is that I need to fall in with your views. Don’t try to ride roughshod over me, Ben, because I won’t have it, do you hear?’
She stalked out of the lift, angry with him for trying to take over her life this way. At the moment all she had was her job—it was the only thing that made her life feel normal. And she didn’t intend to give it up until she absolutely had to do so.
‘Is it just the money or the fact that you don’t want to be beholden to me?’
Ben followed her along the corridor, his long legs quickly closing the gap between them. Zoë cast him a baleful look, wishing he would accept what she said without asking all these questions. It was her decision to carry on working, just as it had been her decision to have this baby, although she might not have been so sure about what she was doing if he hadn’t agreed to help her, as she had known he would do.
All the fight drained out of her as she was forced to admit that she had taken his agreement for granted right from the outset. Oh, she’d felt nervous about asking him for help, but deep down she had known he wouldn’t refuse. She should be glad that Ben was who he was, someone who would never shirk his responsibilities.
‘Probably both of those things,’ she admitted. ‘Although they’re not the only reasons. I need to carry on working for my sake too. It’s the only thing that makes my life seem normal at the moment. I also believe it will help if I have something else to focus on when I’m having a bad day.’
‘When the chemo kicks in?’
‘Yes. Or if I’m suddenly struck down by an attack of morning sickness.’
She dredged up a smile, not wanting the mood to become too downbeat. Ben grinned back at her, although she could tell that it was an effort for him to appear so cheery. Trust Ben to play his part, she thought. It was typical of him to put her needs first and his own second.
‘You may have escaped that bit. Isn’t it more usual to suffer morning sickness in the first three months? My sister Katie was terrible when she had her youngest. She threw up every morning until she hit the three-month mark and it stopped like magic. With a bit of luck, you’ve bypassed the yucky stage.’
‘I hope you’re right. Mind you, I’ll probably make up for it by developing cravings.’ Her smile was less forced, the sensation of warmth that filled her making her feel much better. Ben may not be in love with her any more but he obviously cared about her. Knowing that helped her feel more positive.
‘Start eating coal or snacking on pickles and jam, you mean?’
He laughed out loud, a rich deep sound that made Zoë’s skin tingle with awareness. She’d always loved his laugh, always found it deeply sexy, and in that respect nothing had changed. The only difference was that now she couldn’t allow herself to respond to it the way she’d done in the past. And Ben wouldn’t want her to either.
‘It sounds as though I’ll h
ave to keep an eye on you, Zoë, and make sure you stick to a more conventional diet. Just let me know if you start fancying anything strange, will you?’
‘I shall.’ She paused as they reached the foyer, glad of an excuse to put some distance between them. The problem with being around Ben was that it made her want to be with him all the time and that wouldn’t do. ‘I’ll be off, then. Have a good day. I’ll see you at lunchtime, I expect.’
Ben shook his head. ‘I doubt it. I’ve a meeting in Leeds this afternoon so I’m driving over there at noon. A working party on trauma care,’ he added by way of explanation. ‘Don’t be surprised if I’m not back when you get home tonight. We usually have dinner afterwards. It’s the perfect opportunity to have a good moan about the state of the NHS.’
‘Oh, right. I won’t wait up, then. Have fun.’
Zoë gave him a quick smile then hurried out of the door. It was a blustery March day, the clouds scudding across a milky-blue sky. There was still a sprinkling of snow on the tops of the hills but the weather was definitely warming up as spring approached. She had been planning on going into town to do some shopping, wary of leaving everything to the last minute to prepare for the baby in case she wasn’t well enough to do it then. However, the thought of trailing around the shops no longer appealed. She would go back to the apartment and have a couple of hours to herself before she came back to work.
She sighed as she headed to the bus stop. From the sound of it she would have more than a couple of hours to herself today. Obviously, Ben was looking forward to meeting up with his colleagues from the working party. Dinner and some interesting conversation must be preferable to spending an evening at home, waiting for her to get back from work.
She pulled herself up short. Ben was free to come and go as he pleased. He certainly didn’t need to factor her into his plans!
The meeting dragged on. Normally, Ben enjoyed the opportunity to exchange views with like-minded people, but that day he just wanted to get it over. They seemed to be going over and over old ground, with no decisions being made. When the chairman asked for a show of hands on the latest proposal, he gnashed his teeth in frustration. Six for and six against—hell! That meant another round of discussions.
It was gone six before the meeting finally broke up. Most of the group was going on to a local restaurant but Ben refused when he was asked to join them. He knew it was silly but he didn’t like to think of Zoë going home to an empty apartment after her shift.
He drove back to Dalverston, thinking about what had happened that morning. Deborah had sounded very encouraging but, then, she would take that approach—he would have done the same himself. Having a positive mental attitude wouldn’t cure an illness but it helped the patient when it came to coping with any side effects. If he could keep Zoë feeling positive, it might help her too.
He sighed as he pulled out to overtake a lorry that was blocking the middle lane. He would need to do a better job than he’d done that morning if he was to achieve that objective. It was Zoë who had squeezed his hand and tried to reassure him. He’d definitely had a wobble but it would be the last time. When he was with Zoë he was going to make sure he oozed confidence even if it killed him!
The thought had barely crossed his mind when the lorry he was overtaking veered sideways. Ben had just a split second to react and slammed his foot on the brake. There was an ear-scorching crunch of metal as the lorry collided with his car, catapulting him into the central crash barrier. The ensuing jolt made his teeth snap together but when the car came to a halt he was still breathing and didn’t appear to be injured in any way. The lorry had stopped several yards ahead, slewed across the carriageway. Ben held his breath as he waited for the ensuing carnage but, amazingly, everyone managed to stop in time. By the time he got out to see if he could help, traffic was at a standstill.
‘I’m a doctor,’ he explained, pushing his way through the crowd that was gathering around the lorry. It was a foreign vehicle and the driver was seated on the left of the cab instead of on the right. Ben climbed up the steps, taking in the scene at a glance. The driver was slumped sideways and appeared to be unconscious. He obviously hadn’t been wearing a seat belt either.
Wrenching open the door, Ben leant into the cab and felt for a pulse, relieved when he found one even though it was extremely fast and thready. Climbing inside the cab, he listened to the man’s breathing and was alarmed when he realised how laboured it sounded. If the driver hadn’t been wearing a seat belt, he had probably hit the steering-wheel with some force, causing severe injuries to his chest which would account for his difficulty in breathing. It was a situation Ben had seen many times before and one he knew needed urgent attention.
Jumping down from the cab, he took out his mobile phone and called 999. An ambulance had already been dispatched, he was informed, so he asked the operator to tell the crew that the lorry driver had suffered suspected crush injuries to his chest. It would help speed things up if they knew what they were dealing with before they got there.
By the time everything was sorted out, it was gone eight o’clock. Ben’s car was a write-off so he begged a lift with the paramedics seeing as the ambulance was going to Dalverston General. It was lucky he did so because the lorry driver arrested on the way there. Ben did what he could—cardiac massage, a shot of adrenaline followed by a couple of rounds with the defibrillator—and managed to stabilise him, but it was touch and go. It was a relief when they reached the hospital.
He ran alongside the trolley as the crew rushed it through to Resus. Jo was on duty that night and Jason too, and they both looked at him in surprise as he crashed through the doors. ‘Don’t ask,’ he said with a shake of his head. ‘Let’s just say that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.’
‘Or the right place at the right time if you’re this chap,’ Jo replied, grabbing a corner of the spinal board.
Ben grinned at her. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment, shall I?’
‘You may as well. You look as if you could do with a bit of a boost. Have you seen the state of yourself?’
Ben glanced down and only then realised that he was looking decidedly the worse for wear. The knee of one trouser leg was sporting a large hole and there was blood on his shirt too. Raising his hand, he gingerly felt his nose and grimaced. ‘Ouch! I must have bumped my nose when the lorry hit me.’
‘No sense, no feeling,’ Jo muttered, whizzing a pair of scissors up the driver’s jacket sleeve.
The doors flipped open before Ben could reply and he glanced round, feeling a smile start to form when he saw Zoë. Maybe it was only a few hours since he’d seen her, but he couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t missed her, he thought, then wondered why. The days when spending time apart from Zoë had been pure torture should have been well past.
‘Hi,’ he said, getting a grip on himself because the accident must have shaken him up more than he’d realised. ‘I didn’t think I’d end up in here again today,’ he began then paused when he saw her eyes widen. ‘Zoë? Are you OK? What’s wrong?’
‘I…You…. Oh!’
Her face turned a sickly shade of white. Ben took a hasty step forward then stopped when someone appeared behind her. It was Sam Kearney, senior registrar of Dalverston’s A & E and he was carrying a child in his arms.
‘Let’s get her on the bed, Zoë,’ Sam said tersely.
Zoë made an obvious effort to collect herself as she followed Sam to the bed. Ben knew he couldn’t spare the time to check that she was all right, but it wasn’t easy to ignore her as he turned back to the lorry driver. ‘We need X-rays,’ he said because it was the first thing that came to mind.
‘We’re way ahead of you, boss,’ Jo said cheerily as the radiographer manoeuvred the equipment overhead. Everyone moved out of the way while the X-rays were taken and then it was back to business—Jo finished cutting off the patient’s clothing, Jason put in a second line and Claire Jones, their very new house officer, flitted back and forth, looking flus
tered.
‘Slow down,’ Ben told her, trying to blot out what was happening across the room. He could hear Zoë’s voice in the background and had to struggle to keep himself focussed. She had looked so shocked when she’d seen him and he longed to reassure her that he was all right…
He made himself stop there. There was no point imagining how he would have taken her in his arms and held her close so she would have known for certain that he wasn’t injured. Fat chance of him doing that in the middle of Resus with all the staff watching—they’d have had a field day! And even fatter chance of Zoë letting him.
‘Mistakes happen when folk try to rush,’ he told Claire firmly, blanking out that pertinent thought. ‘You need to work speedily but always remain in control of the situation. Take a few seconds to assess the pros and cons of your actions. That way there’ll be less chance of something unforeseen happening.’
‘Sorry. It’s just all so new and scary.’
Claire bit her lip and Ben could tell that she was overcome by the drama of what she was witnessing. It happened quite often to young doctors fresh out of medical school. The time they’d spent on the wards during their training didn’t prepare them for the urgency of emergency care. Ben was determined it wasn’t going to happen in this instance and nodded to the patient.
‘I want you to monitor his BP very closely. Can you do that, Claire?’
‘Of course!’
Claire beamed as she stepped closer to the bed and stared fixedly at the monitor. Jo caught his eye and winked, understanding what Ben was doing by giving the junior doctor the task. The monitoring equipment would soon tell them if there was a problem with the patient’s blood pressure, but they both knew it would help Claire if she had something to concentrate on.
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