‘Us. The baby. Your treatment.’ He sighed. ‘I’m sorry if I said more than I should have done tonight, but people will soon find out that you’re living here. It won’t be long before they find out that you’re pregnant either,’ he said, his eyes dropping to her stomach.
‘I realise that.’ Zoë felt a shaft of heat run through her. She knew it was silly to feel self-conscious but she couldn’t help it. Ben only had to look at her and she was aware of her body in a way that she normally wouldn’t have been.
She chased away the thought. Ben was thinking about their baby, not her. ‘I imagine it will be easier if we tell them the truth. I’m sure some people remember that we used to be an item so it won’t come as a complete surprise to everyone.’
‘If that’s what you want, it’s fine by me. What about your chemo, though? Are we going to be above board about that too?’
‘I don’t think we have a choice,’ Zoë said bluntly. ‘Once I start the treatment, I’ll need to take time off, plus the staff on the oncology unit know who I am. I’d rather tell people than have them gossiping behind my back.’
‘Good. I’m glad you prefer to be up-front about it.’ He shrugged. ‘I wasn’t looking forward to having to lie, to be honest.’
‘I would never expect you to do that, Ben,’ she declared fiercely. She saw the surprise on his face and hurried on. ‘You’re not someone who lies and I’d hate to put you in the position of having to do so for my sake.’
‘Thank you for saying that. I’ve always tried to be open and honest in everything I do.’
There was something in his voice that made her look at him and her heart ached when she saw the regret in his eyes. Ben had never lied to her either: he had been completely honest about his feelings for her too. It had been her own fear that had made her refuse to believe him.
There was nothing Zoë could say to make amends. She simply murmured goodnight and went to her room. She took a shower then slipped on some pyjamas and climbed into bed, but sleep was a long time coming. She kept thinking about the mess she had made of everything.
She placed her hand on her stomach, cradling the precious new life growing inside her. All she could do was hope that her child would be strong and healthy when it was born. It would be her gift to Ben, something that might make up for the way she had hurt him. Her dearest wish was to see her child grow up, but if it wasn’t to be, at least she knew her baby would have a father who adored it.
CHAPTER TEN
BEN sensed a certain buzz in the air when he went in to work the following morning, but he was too tired to wonder what was behind it. He’d barely slept. Knowing that Zoë was lying awake in the next room had made it impossible to sleep. Every time he’d heard her turn over in her bed, he’d had to stop himself getting up and going to her. She needed some space, time to deal with what was happening to her.
There was a bit of a rush shortly after he arrived. A collision between two buses in the high street resulted in a number of people being ferried to the hospital. Thankfully, no one was seriously injured so they were soon dealt with and sent on their way. Abby Blake, the senior nurse on duty that morning, popped her head round the treatment-room door as Ben was finishing off suturing a cut on a patient’s forehead.
‘Phone call for you, Ben. Shall I ask them to hold or phone back later?’
‘I’ll just be a couple more seconds so they may as well hold on.’ Ben finished off the last stitch and smiled at the young woman. ‘That should be fine now. The nurse will cover it with a dressing so try to keep it dry for the next few days. Your GP will remove the stitches so you won’t need to come back here.’
‘Will it leave a scar?’ the girl demanded anxiously, taking a mirror out of her bag and peering into it.
‘Nothing significant. It’s a very small cut, plus the fact that it’s so high up—almost in your hairline—means that nobody will notice it,’ he assured her, but she wasn’t convinced.
‘But when I wear my hair pulled back, it’s bound to show.’ She shuddered. ‘I can’t bear the thought that I’m going to be scarred!’
‘At the very most all you’ll be left with is a tiny white line,’ Ben said firmly, trying to curb his impatience. Bearing in mind the number of people who had to face far worse than a minor cut, her reaction seemed way over the top.
The thought reminded him of what Zoë had to face and he swung round before he said something he shouldn’t. Turning to Barbara Roberts, the nurse who had assisted him, he asked her to make sure the patient had the requisite form to hand to her GP. Barbara gave him a sympathetic smile as she acknowledged his instructions and he frowned, wondering what he had done to deserve it. Surely he didn’t look that frazzled?
The phone call was from the police, who wanted to check his statement about the accident. Ben cleared up a few points and hung up. It appeared the lorry driver had been using his mobile phone at the time of the collision and the police were planning to prosecute him. Ben had checked to see how the driver was doing when he’d got in that morning and although the man was in a serious condition, it looked like he’d survive. Jason was coming out of the cubicles when Ben left the office and he paused.
‘Abby said the police were on the phone for you, Ben. Was it about the accident?’
‘Yes, they wanted to check a few points in my statement because they’re planning to prosecute the lorry driver,’ Ben explained.
‘I see.’ Jason grimaced. ‘I suppose you’ll end up having to go to court to give evidence, and that’s the last thing you need at the moment.’
Ben saw the sympathetic look the nurse gave him and realised that there was definitely something going on. He had a nasty suspicion he knew what it was, too. However, it wasn’t until his coffee-break that he had confirmation that he had correctly sussed out the situation. Sam Kearney came into the staffroom and headed straight over to him.
‘I was really sorry to hear about Zoë’s problems. If there’s anything Anna and I can do to help, you only have to ask.’
Ben nodded his thanks, knowing that the other man meant every word. Sam and his wife Anna, who had been a consultant in obs and gynae before the birth of their son, were lovely people. ‘Thanks, Sam. I know Zoë will appreciate it when I tell her, too. At the moment she’s trying to cope the best way she can but it isn’t easy. Being pregnant and having cancer…well, what can I say?’
‘Pregnant?’ Sam looked at him in horror. ‘I knew about the cancer. One of the staff on the oncology unit let it slip that Zoë’s a patient there so everyone knows, but I had no idea she was pregnant.’
‘Yes. Nightmare scenario, isn’t it?’ Ben managed to smile but just putting it into words made him feel sick. He took a deep breath. If Zoë could deal with this, so could he. ‘Still, everyone is being very positive. The consensus is that the baby will be fine so we just have to trust them, don’t we?’
‘There’s not much else you can do.’ Sam lowered his voice as a couple more people came in for their breaks. ‘Are you telling folk about the baby?’
‘Yes. We won’t be able to keep it a secret for very long and Zoë says that she wants to be completely above board about it all.’
‘It will make life easier,’ Sam agreed then changed the subject to the new car he was considering buying. Ben responded as best he could, although his mind was only half on the merits of the various models. It was a relief when Jason came to fetch him to see a patient.
The rest of the morning flew past. Ben had an inter-departmental meeting scheduled for lunchtime and he had left before Zoë arrived. He didn’t catch up with her until the middle of the afternoon and it was too busy to chat then. They’d had an elderly woman brought in with a broken hip and they dealt with that together. By the time the old lady was ready to go to Theatre to have her hip pinned, it was time for Ben to leave, but he didn’t want to go without warning Zoë that people knew what was happening.
‘Can I have a word, Zoë?’ he said as they left Resus. He led her to an a
lcove that housed the drinks machines. There was nobody about for a change and he stopped there. ‘Folk have found out that you’re being treated in the oncology unit,’ he said, cutting straight to the chase.
‘I see. Well, it was bound to happen at some point,’ she said with a shrug. Ben couldn’t help noticing how pale she looked that day but knew he mustn’t fuss and didn’t remark on it.
‘The only person who knows about the baby so far is Sam Kearney. I told him this morning.’
‘That was going to come out too. We already decided that we were going to be up-front about it, Ben.’
‘Yes. But I just wanted you to know so that you weren’t caught on the hop, so to speak.’
‘I appreciate that. Thanks.’
She turned to go but he couldn’t let her walk away when he was so concerned about her. Catching hold of her hand, he drew to a halt. ‘Are you feeling all right?’ He forestalled her reply by holding up his hand. ‘I promise I’m not going to fuss over you all the time but you do look washed out today.’
‘Thanks a bunch,’ she replied tartly, and he grimaced.
‘Sorry, but it’s true. Did you have a rough night? I know I found it difficult to sleep. My head seemed to be buzzing all night long.’
‘I’m sorry, Ben. It’s my fault, isn’t it? If I hadn’t come back here, then you wouldn’t be having to go through this.’
He heard the regret in her voice and it was the last thing he wanted to hear. ‘None of this is your fault, Zoë. You didn’t ask to be ill, did you?’
‘No, but getting pregnant as well…’ She tailed off, looking so miserable that his heart ached for her.
‘Do you wish you’d decided not to have the baby now?’ he said softly, knowing that he had to give her the choice even though he couldn’t bear to think of the alternative. Zoë’s health was the main issue here. Her life was at stake, and that was too important to dismiss.
‘No. If I’m honest, it’s the only thing that’s keeping me going.’ She smiled. ‘It’s like a carrot being dangled in front of me. I keep telling myself that if I can get through the chemo, I’ll have a baby at the end of it. That makes it all worthwhile.’
Her bravery took his breath away. Ben couldn’t find the words to explain how it made him feel so he resorted to actions instead. Pulling her into his arms, he held her close, hoping she could tell how much he admired her courage. She let him hold her for a moment then gently freed herself.
‘I’d better get back before they send out a search party.’
‘Fingers crossed you have an easy night,’ he replied with what he hoped was the right amount of levity. It was difficult to tell if he’d hit the mark and he didn’t hang around to find out. He went up to his office and collected the pile of medical journals he’d been planning on reading for ages and had never got round to. He needed to fill in his evening. He couldn’t spend it waiting for Zoë to get home.
He grimaced. Home wasn’t how he would describe the apartment, was it? It was merely somewhere to eat and sleep in between going to work. He hadn’t had a real home since Zoë had left him, in fact. What was going to happen after the baby was born? he wondered suddenly. Would he carry on living in the apartment; would Zoë continue to live there too? They’d not discussed the future so he had no idea what she planned on doing.
Just for a moment Ben allowed himself the luxury of imagining how different it would have been if they’d still been together as a couple. After the baby was born they would have been a real family. It was something he had dreamed about in the past and it was only too easy to recall all the plans he’d made for them. However, everything was very different now, uncertain, scary. All of a sudden he was glad that he couldn’t see into the future. He didn’t want to look too far ahead when life was so very fragile. He would just be grateful that Zoë was with him now.
Zoë’s chemotherapy began the following Monday. She was dreading it, fearful of how it would make her feel, but more importantly what it could do to her baby. She’d had a scan and had pinned the resulting photo on the notice-board in the kitchen so that she had something to focus on. Every time she made herself a drink she studied the picture of her child, tracing the curve of its head, its tiny limbs, the line of its spine, which looked for all the world like a string of precious pearls. It was too early to determine its sex but that didn’t matter. It was proof that it was alive and well, and that was her reason for getting through the next few months, no matter how gruelling they proved to be.
Deborah Gaston met her at the oncology unit shortly before eight o’clock, briskly efficient as she outlined what would happen that day. ‘You may not suffer any ill-effects today—some patients don’t after their first session. However, the effect of the drugs is cumulative and you must prepare yourself for that. You will have good days and bad. Some days you may wish that you’d never agreed to have the treatment. However, both Mr Walker and I are confident that you will deliver a healthy baby at the end of it.’
‘That’s the main thing,’ Zoë agreed quietly. ‘I will never forgive myself if anything happens to this child.’
‘Nothing is going to happen to it,’ Deborah said firmly.
Deborah introduced her to the nurse who would be monitoring her while she received the first dose of chemotherapy. Zoë said hello, hoping she didn’t look as nervous as she felt. She was a doctor and it wasn’t right that she should get so worked up.
Sarah, her nurse, smiled at her after Deborah left. ‘It’s OK to feel apprehensive, Zoë. Everyone feels the same when they first come here.’
‘I should be able to deal with it better than most, though, shouldn’t I?’ Zoë replied with a grimace.
‘Because you’re a doctor?’ Sarah shook her head. ‘It doesn’t work like that. While you’re in here, you are a patient and you’re allowed to feel scared. Don’t add to the pressure by trying to put on a “professional” front.’
Zoë laughed when the other woman drew imaginary speech marks around the word professional. ‘All right. I won’t.’
Sarah set up the infusion and made sure that Zoë was comfortable then left her to check on another patient. The unit was surprisingly busy even though it was still quite early. Zoë looked around the room, liking what she saw. The walls were painted sunshine yellow and there were colourful prints dotted about. There were pot plants too and their vivid green foliage added to the overall picture of cheerfulness. It certainly wasn’t a place laden down by doom and gloom and she felt her spirits lift. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.
There was a stack of magazines beside her chair so she selected one and settled down to read the latest celebrity gossip. When she heard footsteps crossing the room, she didn’t immediately look up.
‘So this is how you spend your time, is it? Catching up on all the tittle-tattle.’
Zoë gasped when she looked up and found Ben standing in front of her. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I thought I’d come and see how you were getting on.’ He pulled up a chair, grimacing as he looked at the magazine. ‘You don’t really enjoy that rubbish, do you?’
‘It isn’t rubbish,’ she said defensively. ‘There’s some interesting articles in here.’
‘Oh, yes?’ He regarded her mockingly. ‘Who’s dating whom and who’s having whose baby—that’s really interesting.’
‘You seem to be rather well versed in what’s between the covers,’ she pointed out and he shifted uncomfortably.
‘My youngest sister, Libby, reads all those magazines so they’re always lying around the house whenever I go to visit my parents.’
‘And you can’t help taking a look, purely for interest’s sake, of course.’
‘Of course,’ he replied drolly, his hazel eyes dancing with laughter at being caught out.
Zoë laughed as well. ‘You tell a good tale, Ben Nicholls, I’ll give you that. You’re as keen to know the latest gossip as everyone else is!’
‘OK, OK.’ He held up his hands in su
rrender. ‘Guilty as charged, your honour. You’ve uncovered my deepest, darkest secret.’
His eyes met hers and Zoë felt a rush of warmth invade her when she saw the way he was looking at her. It would be so easy to imagine that he still cared about her, and maybe he did too. After all she was the mother of his unborn child and that must count for something.
She glanced down at the magazine so that he wouldn’t see how much the idea upset her. She didn’t doubt that Ben was concerned because she was ill, but he would feel the same about anyone who found themselves in this position. It was sympathy that made him so attentive to her needs, not love, and that’s what hurt. She may have left him two years ago but she had never stopped loving him. She never would.
‘So how’s it going so far?’ Ben’s voice cut into her thoughts and Zoë hurriedly collected herself.
‘Not too badly. Deborah Gaston said that the effects of the drugs may not kick in immediately so I’ll have to wait and see.’
‘Are you coming in to work after you finish here?’
‘Yes. I want to keep everything as normal as possible.’
Ben sighed. ‘I understand that but will you promise me one thing?’
‘And that is?’ she asked cautiously.
‘That if it gets too much for you, you’ll take some time off.’ He leant forward and she could see the plea in his eyes. ‘I don’t want you knocking yourself out, Zoë. It won’t help you or the baby.’
She knew he was right, but she couldn’t afford to let him take over her life. ‘All right, I promise, Ben, but only if you’ll promise to let me make the decision. I don’t want you nagging me all the time.’
‘I won’t.’ He stood up abruptly and returned the chair to where he’d got it from. ‘I’ll see you later, then.’
He left before she could say anything else, not that there was much more to say. Ben obviously wasn’t happy about leaving her to conduct her life the way she saw fit, but that was how it had to be. Maybe he thought she was wrong to shut him out, but she was trying to protect him as well as herself. The next few months were going to be stressful enough without him feeling that he had to worry about her as well as their baby. She had hurt him enough and she didn’t intend to hurt him any more if she could avoid it.
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