‘Raspberry and passion fruit,’ he said, reading the label. ‘Sounds more like a cocktail than something you put in the bath water.’
Zoë took it from him and unscrewed the top. ‘Hmm, it smells nice, too, good enough to drink, in fact.’
‘Don’t be tempted,’ he warned her with a grin. ‘The last thing we need is you foaming at mouth!’
‘Definitely not.’ Zoë chuckled as she added a generous measure of bubble bath to the water. ‘I wouldn’t like to have to explain that to Daniel Walker when I see him on Monday morning for my check-up.’
‘I doubt he’d be overly impressed,’ Ben agreed, reaching up to take some towels off the shelf. ‘I think that’s everything…Oh, what about a bathrobe? I don’t have a spare so I’ll lend you mine.’
He fetched it then left her to enjoy her soak. Walking into the kitchen, he switched on the kettle to make himself a cup of coffee then changed his mind when he remembered what she’d said about the smell of coffee making her feel nauseous. He made tea instead and sat in the kitchen to drink it, feeling more relaxed than he’d felt for a while. Ever since Zoë had moved out, he’d been on edge, worrying about how she was coping, and it was a relief to know that she was only in the next room.
His heart skipped a beat as an image of her lying in the scented water appeared in his mind’s eye. Her skin would be flushed from the warmth of the water and he groaned as he imagined how it would feel—so smooth and silkily moist. Mentally, Ben let his hands explore her body, following the familiar dips and curves. He knew from that time they’d made love that her breasts were fuller now that she was pregnant and could envisage how they would feel when he held them in his palms. Her waist, too, would no longer be as slender as it used to be, but it didn’t dampen his ardour. Their child was growing inside her and he loved the changes her pregnancy had brought about.
He sighed. Nothing would stop him wanting Zoë. Neither time nor distance nor anything else. It was time he faced his feelings instead of avoiding them. He still loved her and he always would. His feelings for her ran too deep; they were part of him as vital to his well-being as breathing and sleeping. He could never tell her how he felt, never risk being rebuffed again, but that made no difference. He loved her and he would be devastated if anything happened to her.
Zoë forced herself to get out of the bath and not before time either. She’d been lying in the water for so long that her fingertips had shrivelled up. She dried herself off then pulled on Ben’s robe. It was far too big for her but she rolled up the sleeves and fastened the belt around her waist. The main thing was that it was warm and cosy, and it smelled of Ben.
She sighed as she headed into the bedroom to get dressed. She had missed being here with Ben so much. It was only now that she was back in the apartment that she would admit it. Living here had made her feel safe, something she hadn’t felt since she’d moved out. She knew if she told Ben that he would invite her to come back and, although it was tempting, it would be the wrong thing to do. Ben didn’t need the pressure of having her living here. He should be able to come home from work and forget about her.
It was a dispiriting thought and seemed to undo all the good the day had done. Zoë felt a wave of exhaustion wash over her and sat down on the bed. It was very quiet in the apartment and it wasn’t long before she found her eyes closing. Maybe she should have a nap? Ben wouldn’t mind; he’d probably encourage her to take it easy, and that was all the incentive she needed. Curling up on her side, she closed her eyes.
Ben had heard Zoë go into the bedroom and when she didn’t reappear, he couldn’t help worrying. What if she’d been taken ill? She might be lying there this very moment, unable to call for help.
He shot to his feet and hurried along the hall. The door was partly open and his heart lurched when he saw her lying on the bed. A couple of strides was all it took to reach her and that was when he realised that she was fast asleep.
His breath huffed out as his panic subsided. He turned to leave then decided that he should cover her up with the quilt. After all, she’d just got out of the bath and he didn’t want her catching a chill. Lifting up the edge of the quilt, he tucked it around her, pausing when she opened her eyes.
‘I was just covering you up in case you caught a chill.’
‘Thank you.’ Her voice was husky with sleep and exhaustion, and his heart melted. Sitting down on the edge of the mattress, he took hold of her hand.
‘Why don’t you stay here tonight? It’s obvious that you’re worn out and it seems silly to go trailing back to the B&B when there’s no need.’
‘It’s kind of you, Ben, but I don’t want to be a nuisance.’
‘You could never be that.’ He kissed her on the cheek then smiled into her eyes. ‘Say you’ll stay, Zoë. For my sake. At least when you’re here, I know that you’re safe.’
Her eyes filled with tears as she clung to his hand. ‘It’s not fair that you should have to worry about me.’
‘Nothing about this situation is fair, Zoë. We just have to deal with it the best way we can.’ He drew the quilt around her shoulders and went to get up but she held on to his hand.
‘Will you stay with me?’ She looked beseechingly up at him. ‘I…I feel safer when I’m with you.’
‘Of course I’ll stay.’
Ben was deeply moved by the admission although he knew it would be wrong to make too much of it. Zoë was fiercely independent and it was merely an indication of how exhausted she must feel to admit such a thing. He lay down beside her and drew her into his arms. She sighed as she snuggled against him.
‘This feels nice.’
‘Good.’
He brushed the top of her head with a kiss then settled himself against the pillows. Zoë gave another sigh as she relaxed against him, her body fitting itself so snugly against his that he could feel the fullness of her breasts and the swell of her stomach pressing against him. Predictably, his own body made its own pronouncement about how it felt to be in this position but he ignored the rush of desire that swept through him. He wasn’t going to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable, certainly wasn’t going to let sex intrude. Zoë needed comfort and security and that’s what he would give her. In spades!
He lost track of how much time elapsed before he felt her stir. He smiled down at her, pleased to see that she had some colour in her cheeks. ‘How do you feel now?’
‘Much better. What time is it?’
Ben swivelled his wrist until he could see the dial on his watch. ‘Would you believe that it’s almost eight o’clock?’
‘Eight o’clock? But I must have been asleep for hours!’
‘Uh-huh.’ Ben chuckled. ‘You definitely deserve an A-star for sleeping. And as for the snoring…what can I say?’
‘I don’t snore!’
‘How do you know? When you’re asleep you have no idea what you do.’
She huffed a bit, unsure whether to take offence, and he grinned at her, clamping down on the desire he felt to kiss her. It would be inexcusable to take advantage of the situation, no matter how much he longed to do so.
‘Ben.’
Her voice was so soft as she whispered his name that for a moment he thought he’d imagined it. However, the expression in her eyes soon set him straight. His heart gave an almighty leap as he looked into her eyes and realised that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. The discovery broke down the restraints he’d placed upon himself. He pulled her back into his arms and this time he knew that neither of them would sleep for a very long time.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
DAWN was a pale grey streak along the horizon when Zoë awoke the next morning. They hadn’t drawn the curtains so she lay in Ben’s arms and watched as a new day began, wishing it could be the start of a new life for them. Before she’d met Ben she hadn’t believed love existed. It had been a romantic fantasy, a conceit, not something real, live, tangible; something felt by people like her.
Now she knew better. She lo
ved Ben so much and, after last night, she was sure that he cared about her. While the thought filled her with elation, it also filled her with fear. Ben would suffer terribly if anything happened to her and that was the last thing she wanted to happen.
‘Penny for them.’
She jumped when he spoke, feeling her heart fill with joy when she turned to look at him. She was the luckiest woman alive to have Ben to take care of her.
‘Cheapskate!’ she retorted, smiling at him. ‘I’ll have you know that my thoughts are worth a lot more than a measly penny.’
‘Are they indeed? Well, pardon me.’ He raised himself up on his elbow and regarded her quizzically. ‘So how much are they worth? One pound? Ten?’
‘Keep going,’ she ordered, enjoying the game when she knew how it would end. A delicious little shiver rippled through her as she imagined herself back in his arms while they made love again before she forced herself to behave. She was halfway to being a mother and she shouldn’t be harbouring thoughts like these!
‘Hmm, I’m not sure if I can afford to go much higher. How about if I pay you in kisses instead? Half a dozen per thought for starters, although we can up the fee if you don’t think it’s enough.’
He leered at her, making her laugh. ‘You’d do anything to have your wicked way with me, wouldn’t you, Ben Nicholls?’
‘Too right I would. Come here!’
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her long and thoroughly so that they were both trembling by the time the kiss ended. Resting his forehead against hers, he let out a groan. ‘I really shouldn’t have done that. Now I’m going to have to take a cold shower.’
‘You don’t have to,’ she purred, wriggling closer.
‘Oh, yes, I do.’ He dropped a kiss on her nose. ‘I’ve already kept you awake for half the night and you need your rest. Stay here and I’ll make you some breakfast as a penance after I’ve finished showering.’
Tossing back the quilt, he got out of bed and Zoë gulped when she was presented by the sight of his naked body. Her eyes greedily drank in the glory of the hard muscles under the tanned skin, the long, strong line of his spine and the taut curve of his buttocks. Ben was as beautiful on the outside as he was on the inside, the perfect partner for any woman. How could she have been so blind not to have realised that before? She had forfeited her chance of happiness through her own stubbornness and fear, and it would be wrong to snatch at it now when it could cause him pain. Ben deserved so much more than she could offer him. He deserved a whole lifetime of happiness to look forward to.
Sadness overwhelmed her as she watched him pick up the robe and pull it on. He turned to her, the first pale streaks of daylight emphasising the masculine perfection of his features. ‘What do you fancy? Tea and toast, or the full works—bacon, eggs, sausage, etcetera? I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. It must be all the exercise.’
‘I could do with a drink,’ Zoë murmured. She drummed up a smile, not wanting him to guess there was anything wrong. ‘Weak tea preferably.’
‘Weak tea it is.’
He headed into the bathroom and a moment later she heard the shower running. As soon as he had finished, she showered too and got dressed. Ben was in the kitchen when she went to find him. He looked up in surprise when he heard her footsteps, his expression changing to consternation when he saw that she was dressed.
‘I think it would be best if I went back to the B&B,’ Zoë told him before she changed her mind. It would be all too easy to stay when it was what she wanted so desperately, but she couldn’t do it. Every extra minute they spent together would make it that much more difficult for him in the future and she couldn’t bear the thought.
‘At least drink your tea before you go,’ he said flatly, pouring tea into a china mug.
Zoë sat down at the table, nodding her thanks when he placed it in front of her. He sat down opposite her, looking grim as he cradled his own cup between his hands.
‘What’s brought this on, Zoë? I got the impression before that you were quite happy to be here, so what’s changed?’
‘I’ve had time to think and realised it’s best if I leave. If I stay, it will only make the situation more difficult.’
‘Difficult for whom? Not for me, Zoë.’
‘Please, Ben, just accept that I know what I’m doing. I don’t want to hurt you…’
‘And that’s why you’re leaving, is it? Again?’ His voice was filled with scorn and she flushed but she was determined to do what was right.
‘Yes. Please try to understand that I’m doing this for your sake as much as my own.’
‘Really?’ Pushing back his chair, he strode to the window and stood there with his back towards her. There was an ache in his voice that tore at her heart when he continued. ‘All I want to do is help you, Zoë.’
‘I know that,’ she began but he didn’t let her finish.
‘Do you?’ he demanded, swinging round. ‘It doesn’t appear that way from where I’m standing.’
‘I don’t suppose it does, but it’s true. However, I’ve come to realise that the more time we spend together, the more difficult it will be for you if anything happens to me.’ Her voice was strong because she was sure she was right and his mouth thinned.
‘And you think that by pushing me away and refusing my help you’re protecting me?’
‘Yes. I don’t know if the chemo will work, but I do know that my life could end sooner than I expected it would.’
‘Nobody knows when their life will end! I could live to be a hundred or I could die tomorrow.’ He crossed the room and knelt in front of her. ‘I know you can’t give me a guarantee that you’ll still be here in ten years’ time. I can’t give you a guarantee like that either. All I can do is promise you that I shall be here for you for the rest of my life if you’ll let me, Zoë.’
‘Ben, don’t…please.’ She placed her hand on his cheek, tears welling into her eyes when he turned his head and kissed her palm with such tenderness. He hadn’t said that he loved her and she didn’t blame him. Why should he open his heart to her again after the last time? The thought of hurting him like that again was more than she could bear and she shook her head.
‘I can’t accept your offer, Ben. It isn’t fair when I have so little to offer you in return. So long as I know that you’ll be here for our baby, that’s all I ask.’
For a moment she thought he was going to protest, then all of a sudden he rose to his feet. ‘If that’s how you feel, I have to accept it.’
‘Thank you.’
She stood up as well, her legs trembling with the force of the emotions that were bubbling inside her. She could tell that he was hurt by her refusal to accept his help but she had to stick to her decision. At least this way he would be able to protect himself from the worst of the pain.
He picked up his keys. ‘I’ll run you home.’
Zoë followed him from the room, knowing that there was no going back and no way that she could change her mind. She’d done what she’d had to do, but she wouldn’t be surprised if Ben wanted nothing more to do with her after this. The thought filled her with desolation. She couldn’t imagine how bleak life would be without Ben.
In the weeks following Zoë’s decision, Ben plumbed new depths of despair. His only consolation was that he hadn’t told her how much he still loved her. At least he’d spared himself that humiliation and now all he could do was focus on the baby. He intended to be there for his son or daughter, no matter what. Zoë might not need his help but their child did.
In an effort to get back onto an even keel, he threw himself into his work. The department still had a number of vacancies and when Sam took some leave, it meant the department was struggling to cope. Ben went in early most days and stayed on long after he should have finished. His dedication earned him a few pithy comments from the team about him earning extra brownie points, but he laughed them off. So long as nobody knew the real reason why he was so keen to work, he didn’t care.
Zoë continued working and receiving her chemotherapy. She was approaching the six-month mark in her pregnancy and Ben knew that she would need to finish work soon, although he didn’t ask her if she’d set a date. He treated her as he would any other member of the team, and if it caused him untold heartache, that was his problem.
When she asked him one day if he would like to sit in while she had a scan, he agreed. The least they could be was civil to one another, although the sight of his unborn child on the monitor nearly caused him to reconsider. It was such an emotional occasion, one that both parents should have celebrated as a couple, but he managed to rein in his emotions because it was what Zoë wanted. When they were asked if they wanted to know the sex of their baby, he left it to Zoë to decide and she declined. Whether she preferred it to be a surprise, he wasn’t sure and didn’t ask. It was her decision.
Another week passed and the staffing situation didn’t improve. Although Sam was back at work, Adam had gone off sick. In the end Ben volunteered to work on the Saturday night. The evening started off slowly enough but gradually picked up. By midnight ED was running at full stretch. There were a lot of parties that weekend as teenagers from the local high school celebrated the end of their exams, and more than a few had come to grief thanks to the combination of too much alcohol and high spirits.
Ben was ushering one young girl out of the cubicle after suturing a rather nasty cut on her arm when there was a fracas near the entrance. Two gangs of youths were fighting, overturning chairs and sending people waiting to be seen scattering.
‘Phone Security,’ he ordered as he hurried over to sort out the melee. Wading into the middle of the group, he raised his voice. ‘That’s enough! Either you stop now or you’ll spend the night in the police cells.’
Most of the boys stopped fighting immediately, but one boy, older than the others, turned on him. ‘Who says?’
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