by Maggie Hope
‘Oh, Eliza, I don’t know –’
Eliza tutted softly. ‘There’s no reason why you couldn’t, Ada, man. Say you’re an old friend, nothing could be easier.’
Before Eliza went back to West Auckland, she had succeeded in getting Ada to compose a letter asking for details of Johnny’s whereabouts and how he was.
‘Address it to Mrs Fenwick,’ she advised. ‘Someone will open it and a woman would understand better.’
Chapter Thirty
Dinah was very worried about Johnny. He was so withdrawn; he spent most of his time in his room, just sitting there doing nothing, even though she tried to coax him to spend more time downstairs with her. He came down to the dining room for meals, but Dinah knew that if he hadn’t thought it would be too much trouble for her, he would have asked for a tray in his room.
When he does come down, he speaks less and less, she thought to herself one morning as she watched him across the breakfast table. Oh, he was unfailingly polite to her and to Stephen and Arthur too, even when Stephen began asking him pointed questions about how long he was staying.
Dinah had spoken to Stephen about that; she stirred uncomfortably in her chair as she thought of it. He was just a little thoughtless, she told herself, he wasn’t really uncaring. And he probably thought that having Johnny in the house was too much extra work for her, now she had only a daily to help.
But Dinah was alone with Johnny this morning. Stephen and Arthur had both gone off to the office early, to do something about a new defence contract. Dinah put down her coffee cup with a sigh. She would try to get Johnny to go out with her, she decided.
‘Johnny?’ she began tentatively.
‘Yes, Dinah?’ His voice was remote as though his thoughts were miles away.
‘Johnny, why don’t we go for a walk in the park this morning? It’s a lovely day, the sunshine would do you good and I’m sure I would be glad to get out of the house.’
‘Oh, you go, Dinah, I think I’ll just stay in my room.’
‘But you’ll have to go out sometime,’ Dinah persisted. ‘If not walking, why not take a cab down to Saltburn?’ She warmed to this idea – Saltburn would be lovely, she thought. ‘We could sit on top of the cliff, the sea air will do us both the world of good. Do come, Johnny.’
Johnny smiled gently. ‘You go, Dinah. Believe me, I won’t be very good company for you, I’m not good company for anyone nowadays. No, I’d rather just stay in today, if you don’t mind.’
Dinah stared at him, feeling frustrated. Really, she was getting to the end of her tether, she didn’t know what to do or what to say to him either, to make him snap out of his depression. Poor boy, she thought, compassionately, it wasn’t surprising really, of course it wasn’t.
Idly Dinah looked through her post. There was a letter from her bank manager informing her of the state of her account, and there was a letter from an old friend from her schooldays in Hartlepool. The third envelope had a Durham postmark. She turned it over in her hand, but the handwriting was unfamiliar. Who on earth could be writing to her from Durham? She took up her letter opener and slit the top of the envelope, taking out the single sheet of notepaper. A good-quality notepaper, she saw as she looked at the bottom of the letter to see the signature.
‘Ada Gray,’ it read. Dinah’s puzzlement deepened. She read the letter through from the beginning.
I hope you do not mind me writing to you like this, but I could not think of anything else to do.
I am looking for any information concerning the present whereabouts of John Fenwick, a captain in the Canadian Army. You do not know me but my name is Mrs Ada Gray, I was a childhood friend of Johnny’s. I am writing to you as I believe you are a relative of his.
I would be very grateful if you could help me, I haven’t heard from him for some months and I am worried about him.
Yours sincerely,
Ada Gray.
Dinah put down the letter and looked across at Johnny again; he was sitting with his elbows on the table and his coffee cup in his hands. If he had been able to see she would have said he was staring into space.
‘Johnny, what did you say that girl’s name was, you know, the one you knew in Bishop Auckland?’
Johnny pushed his chair back abruptly and rose to his feet. He took his stick and started to leave the room.
‘Johnny?’
Johnny halted with his back to Dinah. After a moment he said, ‘I’m going up to my room, I feel a little tired.’
Dinah was left looking after him as he crossed the hall and went up the stairs, his white stick tapping in front of him all the way. Was that what was the matter with him? she wondered. Not just the fact that he was blind, but this girl. She looked again at the signature.
‘Mrs Ada Gray,’ it read. Had she married someone else? Thrown Johnny over when she found out he had been blinded? But if that was the case, why ask for news of him?
It was all very puzzling. Dinah tapped the letter thoughtfully with her fingers; she was very tempted to write to the girl and if she had thrown him over, she would give her a piece of her mind.
During the morning, Dinah could think of nothing else but the letter as she dusted the furniture and wrote out the shopping list for the evening meal. In the end she went upstairs and tapped on Johnny’s door.
‘Johnny? Can I come in for a moment?’ After a pause, Johnny came to the door and opened it. ‘Come in, Dinah, did you want something?’
‘Yes.’ Dinah waited until he sat down in the chair by his bed before she sat down herself, facing him. ‘Johnny, was that girl’s name Ada?’
Johnny frowned. ‘Dinah, I don’t want to talk about it,’ he said.
‘But Johnny, why not?’ she persisted. ‘Did she hurt you, Johnny?’
‘No, she didn’t. She wouldn’t hurt anyone.’
Johnny kept his face expressionless, but Dinah could see he was worked up emotionally; a tic appeared at the corner of his eye and he clasped his hands tightly together.
‘You love her, don’t you, Johnny?’ she said.
‘Love? What does it mean? No, of course I don’t love her, I don’t love anyone. What good would it be for me to love anyone, Dinah? What use is a blind man to a girl?’
So that was it, thought Dinah. ‘Oh, Johnny, if she loved you it wouldn’t matter, no injury would matter. Believe me, I know.’
‘In any case, she’s married, she’s married to a doctor. She’s better off with him – what future could I offer her compared with that? And even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t saddle her with a blind husband.’
‘Oh, Johnny,’ Dinah said helplessly. She looked at him, seeing the young boy she had mothered when she had first married his elder brother, remembering his bright, eager zest for life. Now he was pale and withdrawn, except for the flush of emotion on his cheeks as he talked about the girl. His voice was so flat and bitter, in contrast to the ever-ready enthusiasm which had coloured it before this catastrophe had befallen him. Even the bright red of his hair was dulled, lank and lifeless.
‘What made you think of her this morning?’ Johnny asked suddenly.
‘Er …’ Dinah was taken off guard, she didn’t know whether she wanted to tell him about the letter just yet. ‘I don’t know, I was just thinking of something to cheer you up,’ she answered lamely. And I’ve done anything, but that, she thought to herself; if anything, I’ve unsettled him.
‘I’ll go now, Johnny.’ Dinah rose to her feet and walked to the bedroom door. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like to come out for a walk? As I said, it’s a lovely day.’
‘No, thank you, Dinah. Perhaps this afternoon I’ll go into the garden for a little while.’
And with this Dinah had to be content. She went back to the dining room and read the letter again before coming to a decision. She would write to this Mrs Gray and tell her where Johnny was and what had happened to him. There was no need to tell Johnny anything about it at all.
Going to her bureau, Dinah took out paper a
nd pen and wrote the letter immediately, before she could change her mind. She found a stamp in her drawer, stuck it on the envelope and took it straight out to the pillar box at the end of the road. Good, she thought, it was just in time for the midday post.
Back in Durham City, Ada felt lonelier than she had ever felt in her life. She was very busy on the wards, where the steady flow of convalescent wounded seemed to go on for ever. As fast as the beds were freshly made up after a batch of patients left, they were filled up by a new lot. That evening she climbed wearily upstairs to her rooms and fell into bed thinking she could sleep for a week. But every night lately she lay awake for hours, thinking of Johnny and worrying about him.
Ada half wished she hadn’t sent the letter to Middlesbrough now. What if Johnny simply didn’t want her any more, what if he had fallen out of love with her? The letter could only be an embarrassment if that was the truth of it. Ada tossed and turned in bed, one moment so hot she threw the bedclothes off and the next feeling chilled and shivering so that she pulled them up under her chin.
It occurred to her that if Johnny didn’t love her any more, it served her right. She was filled with compunction as she thought of Tom: this was how he must have felt when he realised she was not in love with him. Ada turned on her back and stared at the shadows on the ceiling, watching the pale beam of moonlight which filtered through a gap in the curtains as it flickered there.
She had to get some sleep, she told herself, otherwise she would be tired out the next day and her work would be twice as hard. She had to put it out of her mind. The main thing was that Johnny hadn’t been killed or injured, she scolded herself. Nothing mattered but that; she didn’t care if she never saw him again if only he was safe, she thought. And believed it too.
Next morning, there was a letter from Middlesbrough on the hall table. Ada’s heart thudded painfully as she saw it. She couldn’t believe she had got an answer by return of post – surely it must be good news? Her fingers trembled as she picked it up, hardly daring to open it, the horrid thought coming into her mind that whoever had answered the letter had done it so quickly because Johnny was dead.
Ada stood by the table, turning the letter over and over in her hands, rosy colour coming and going in her pale cheeks.
‘Are you all right, Matron?’
She looked up, startled. It was Nurse Simpson standing in the doorway of the sluice and staring at her with open curiosity.
‘Bad news, Matron?’
Dear God, no, thought Ada and snapped at the nurse, uncharacteristically. ‘Get on with your work, Nurse Simpson. It’s none of your business what’s in my post.’
Nurse Simpson pressed her lips together and her eyes flashed in anger. For a moment Ada thought she was going to retort but the other girl recollected herself enough to mumble an apology.
Ada pushed the letter into her bib front. She would open it upstairs during her break, she thought. But then she found she couldn’t wait that long, she couldn’t keep her mind on her work at all. Sitting down at her desk, she took out the letter and opened it, her heart pounding in her ears and her mouth suddenly dry. It was covered with the copperplate script Dinah had learned at the National School in Hartlepool.
Dear Mrs Gray,
In answer to your query about my brother-in-law, I am writing to tell you that he is at present here in my house in Middlesbrough.
Ada dropped the letter on the floor from nerveless fingers and had to bend down to pick it up. For a moment the world went dark as she came upright again. She waited until her vision returned to normal, her heart singing.
Johnny was not dead! Oh, she had known he wasn’t. Hadn’t she just said to Eliza that she would know if he had been killed? She felt like getting up and dancing around the hall, the rush of joy was so great. At last she composed herself enough to read on.
I am afraid I have to tell you that Johnny has been injured, it was his eyes. In fact, Johnny is blind. Though the doctors say there might be some chance of him regaining some sight in his right eye, I’m afraid his left eye is permanently blind.
All the elation drained from Ada. She sat back in her chair, staring at the words, unable to believe them. Johnny, her vital, athletic, vibrant Johnny couldn’t possibly be blind. It was a mistake, it had to be. She read the words over and over, seizing on the one shred of hope in them. He might regain the sight in his right eye. That was good, wasn’t it? Ada read on to the end of the letter.
I have to tell you that Johnny is in a very depressed state of mind. He refuses to go out, he sits in his room for most of the day and I am at my wits’ end what to do about it. If you are the girl he used to talk about, the one he knew during his time in Bishop Auckland, I would like you to write back to me. I know you are married now, at least I gather so by your letter, but if you ever had any affection for my poor Johnny, I beg you at least to try to help him. If he goes on as he is doing I fear for his very sanity.
Ada felt as though someone had punched her in the stomach. For the first time in her nursing life she let her private life interfere with her professional one. She couldn’t stay on duty, she simply couldn’t. She looked round for a nurse, but there was not one in sight. Stumbling to her feet, she went to the door of the main ward. Hanging onto the doorjamb, she searched for a nurse, any nurse.
‘Matron? Are you ill?’
Nurse Young was right behind her, a look of concern on her face.
‘Ill?’ Ada stared at the girl. ‘No, no, I’m not ill. That is, I don’t feel too good, that’s the truth. Would you find Sister for me?’
‘But Sister’s not on duty until one o’clock, Matron,’ Nurse Young replied. ‘Look, why don’t you sit down and I’ll fetch Nurse Simpson?’
Ada nodded slowly. ‘Yes, that will be best.’ She returned to her desk and sat down, struggling to maintain her equilibrium. Her mind was in a whirl, she didn’t know what to do.
‘Matron?’ Nurse Simpson was at her elbow. ‘Nurse Young says you’re not well. How do you feel? Should I ring for Doctor?’
Ada made a great effort and pulled herself together. ‘No, don’t do that, Nurse, there’s no need. If you could just take over for me for half an hour, I’m sure I’ll be all right. I had a bit of a shock, that’s all.’
Nurse Simpson nodded knowingly. ‘Ah, I thought there was something in that letter. Look, why don’t you go on upstairs and I’ll get Cook to send you up a cup of tea. I’m sure you’ll feel better after a little rest.’ She wasn’t going to ask again what was wrong, but Ada could see she was alive with curiosity, and she felt she had to get away from her.
‘Thank you, Nurse, I think I will,’ she said shakily and rose to her feet. The room swam around her but she forced herself to walk across to the foot of the stairs.
‘Are you sure you can manage?’ Nurse Simpson called after her.
‘Quite sure, Nurse,’ Ada replied without looking round. ‘If you can just take over for half an hour –’ Her voice was becoming faint so she broke off, using all the energy at her disposal to make her unwilling legs take one step at a time until at last she was up the three flights of stairs and could open the door to her rooms, breathing a sigh of relief when she could close the door behind her.
She sank down in her armchair and read the letter over again. Johnny was not dead. Now that she knew he was alive, she could admit to the secret fear which had smouldered away at the back of her thoughts for so long. Johnny was alive and needed her.
There was a knock on the door, but Ada didn’t hear it. After a moment, Millie opened it and poked her head round. ‘I’ve brought your tea, Matron,’ she said.
‘Thank you, Millie. Put it down on the table, that’ll be fine.’
Millie brought in the tray and stood hesitating before her.
‘What is it, Millie?’ Ada was impatient to be alone again, she had to get her chaotic thoughts in order.
‘I was to ask you how you were, Matron.’
‘I’m all right, Millie, I’ll be back do
wnstairs shortly.’
After Millie went out, Ada tried to decide what to do. Her instinct was to drop everything and go to Johnny, she couldn’t bear to wait another minute. But she knew she had to: she had to see if her deputy would relieve her this afternoon, she had to arrange for so many things before she could go flying off to Middlesbrough. Nurse Simpson, now, could she persuade Nurse Simpson to stay on and help? There were the beds to prepare for the new admissions, the treatment sheets to write up, the medicines to check.
Ada picked up her tea and added two spoons of sugar, drinking it hot and sweet. New energy flowed into her. She would get everything ready for her deputy, there was plenty of time if she hurried. She would send a telegram to Mrs Fenwick, saying she would be arriving that afternoon. Then she would catch the two-o’clock train to Middlesbrough.
It was after four o’clock by the time Ada arrived in Middlesbrough. She had left everything in order at the convalescent home; the rest of the staff had willingly agreed to cover for her even though they weren’t sure what it was about.
And it’s my free morning tomorrow, too, she told herself, marvelling at how the way seemed to have been smoothed out for her. But as she walked up the road to the Beeches, she was stricken with sudden doubts. Maybe she was being a silly fool, she thought dismally, maybe Johnny didn’t want her, she would only embarrass him. Her footsteps dragged as she began to feel very unsure of how he would react to her arrival.
‘Mrs Gray?’
The woman who opened the front door to her was middle-aged, her fair hair was flecked with grey. But her blue eyes looked kind, and she smiled at Ada as she stood aside for her to enter.
‘Hello, I’m Dinah Fenwick, Johnny’s sister-in-law. I was so pleased to get your telegram, thank you for being so prompt,’ she said and held out her hand. Dinah’s handshake was firm and reassuring to Ada.
‘Come on through to the drawing room, will you?’ Dinah led the way across the hall and Ada glanced around at the room as they entered. It was a large, pleasant room, furnished comfortably with armchairs, sofas and occasional tables – a family room, she thought.