by Sue Fortin
Fortunately, the need to breathe imposes a brief embargo on the kissing, breaking the tension. With that, I feel a pang of guilt surge through me. I close my eyes, willing it away.
‘I think it’s at this point I should be saying I’m sorry and what just happened was a mistake,’ I say, looking intently at his jacket zip.
‘But you’re not.’
‘No, I’m not, but let’s pretend that never happened.’ As if it was going to be that easy, I think.
Kerry seems to be weighing up the suggestion. After a moment he speaks. ‘I’m not very good at pretending, but I’ll give it a go if that’s what you want.’ His trails his fingers through a lock of my hair and exhales deeply.
I peel myself away. Despite my change in feelings about Ed, I am officially still in relationship with him. I have no intention of overlapping with Kerry, no matter how appealing the idea is.
We sit on the grass looking down the hillside. I’m pleased to be able to take off the leather jacket, even though I only have a t-shirt on underneath. Kerry lies down on the grass, propping himself up on one elbow while I sit with my knees up, resting back on my hands. I tip my head back to soak up the warm rays of sunshine.
‘It’s so peaceful and quiet up here.’
‘I’ll make a country girl out of you yet.’ Kerry gives a small chuckle. He plucks a blade of grass and begins twirling it around his finger. ‘This is actually one of my favourite spots. It’s a great place to come if you have something on your mind and need some thinking space. You get a clarity you can’t get when everyone and everything is buzzing around.’
I sit forward and wrap my arms around my knees. ‘You really like the quiet life, don’t you?’
‘Suppose I do these days. Life hasn’t always been this calm.’
I assume he’s referring to life with his mum and step-dad. I want to ask but am frightened in case it opens up the way for him to ask about my past. I rest my head on my knees and exchange a smile with him.
‘I imagine it must be nice to work with your cousin, seeing as you get along so well,’ I say, going for the positive angle.
‘Most of the time.’ Kerry sits up himself now so we are side by side. He throws the blade of grass away and, resting his arms on his knees, picks at the cuticles of his fingers.
‘Ew, don’t do that.’ I screw up my face. ‘Stop picking.’ I tap his hands away, but when he doesn’t respond I grow concerned. ‘Everything all right?’
Kerry takes out his tobacco pouch and rolls a cigarette. He draws deeply on the lighted roll-up before puffing out perfect smoke circles. At last he speaks. ‘I’ve had my hours cut at the bike shop, well, not hours more like days. I’m on a three-day week as of tomorrow.’
‘Oh no. Were you expecting that?’
Kerry nods and flicks the ash from his cigarette. ‘Things have been pretty quiet for a while now and although Max is my uncle, his loyalties are to Joe, besides the fact Joe has Bex and the kids to look after.’
‘Will you manage or will you have to look for another job?’
‘Think I’ll manage. I get the odd paint job in now and again. It pays well and I can live pretty cheaply for now.’ Kerry stubs his cigarette out on the grass and flicks the end away. He gets to his feet and, picking up his jacket, he holds his hand out to me. ‘Come on, let’s go for a spin. You don’t want to hear all my troubles.’
I’m becoming more relaxed and comfortable on the bike, feeling braver about leaning into the bends and ducking down behind Kerry’s shoulder to make myself more aerodynamic. We cruise through the countryside and after an hour wind our way back towards Rossway.
As we reach the High Street, a car shoots out from a shop car park right in front of us. Kerry’s reactions are fast and I instantly feel the bike lock up, the back wheel snatching and biting into the tarmac before sliding out to the left. The squeal of the tyre and blast of the horn are simultaneous.
I hear a shriek and realise it’s come from me. I shut my eyes, certain we are going to collide with the car. I feel the bike swerve to the right, flip back to the left and then come to an abrupt halt and the engine cut out.
When I open my eyes, I’m relieved to see we have stopped safely at the side of the road, the silver car having sped off down the High Street, apparently ignorant of the incident.
Kerry’s gloved hand pats my leg. ‘You okay?’
Even though I can feel myself shaking, I don’t want to make a fuss. ‘I’m fine. That was close.’
Kerry mutters some expletives directed at the car driver and shakes his head. ‘Right, let’s get back. Hold on.’
Within a couple of minutes we are parked up on the forecourt of the bike shop. ‘Fancy a coffee?’ asks Kerry. Before I can answer, a toot of a car horn interrupts us and we both look up to see a silver BMW M3 pulling up into a parking bay outside the café.
‘I don’t feckin’ believe it,’ says Kerry. ‘It’s that prick who pulled out in front of us.’
As the driver emerges and heads our way, I groan out loud. ‘Oh shit, it’s Ed.’
‘Don’t look so worried,’ says Kerry, as he hangs his crash helmet on the handle bar and begins to undo my chinstrap. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong.’
‘In theory,’ I reply.
‘And in practice. You did nothing wrong.’
I give him a small smile of gratitude. Kerry leans back on his bike and begins to roll a cigarette.
Ed is striding over to us. The scowl on his face isn’t a very promising prospect. ‘Hi, Ed. This is a surprise.’
‘So it would seem.’ He stops in front of me, dropping a kiss on my cheek. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing. Kerry gave me a ride on his bike, that’s all.’
‘Humph. You never said.’ Ed continues to frown.
‘All right, Ed. How’s it going?’ Kerry draws on his cigarette. He thinks he looks disinterested, but I can tell he’s pissed off, it radiates from him.
‘Kerry,’ acknowledges Ed, before turning his attention back to me. ‘What are you doing going on the back of a motorbike anyway? Bloody dangerous things.’
‘Oh, Ed, you sound so pompous, that’s the sort of thing my Dad would say.’ I smother a laugh. ‘Anyway, look, I’m in one piece, no harm done and, besides, Kerry was very careful.’
‘Those things are a one-way ticket to an early grave, if you ask me,’ replies Ed, seemingly unconvinced.
Standing up, Kerry drops his cigarette and squashes it under his boot. He has a bad-tempered look on his face. ‘Careless drivers are just as dangerous.’ Hooking his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans, he looks steadily at Ed. ‘Especially when pulling out on a main road from a shop car park.’
I throw Kerry a look that pleads with him not to cause trouble, before turning back to Ed. ‘Anyway, what are you doing here?’ I ask in an overly cheerful voice.
‘Thought I would surprise you.’
‘Oh, well, it’s a lovely surprise. I was just about to go home. Come on, let’s get a coffee.’ I slip the jacket from my shoulders and hand it back to Kerry. ‘Thanks for taking me out today. I really enjoyed it. I’d better…you know…go now.’
‘Sure. Have fun.’ He takes the jacket, his fingers brushing mine. Our eyes lock. I can feel the intensity between us as I’m sure he can. Kerry folds the jacket over his arm. ‘Hey, Ed, if you’re about this evening and fancy a pint, we’re down at The Smugglers.’
‘What? Oh, right. Maybe, if we have time, this is just a flying visit,’ says Ed. He pauses. ‘Although, maybe I should be keeping a closer eye on Miss Hurley here, keep her out of mischief.’
I nudge Ed towards the car. I need to get away from Kerry. The guilt is swirling around me like a storm cloud. Any longer with Kerry and I’m not sure I’ll keep it together.
‘If I don’t catch up with you later, I’ll see you at the naming ceremony next week,’ calls Kerry.
‘Yeah, sure,’ Ed responds, before muttering so only I can hear, ‘We don’t still have t
o go to that do we?’
Without even looking, I know Kerry is still standing there, his eyes following us as Ed takes my hand and heads for the café. He strides round to the service road at the back and I have to run a little to keep pace. He ascends the staircase, still holding onto me. We reach the top and he holds out his free hand.
‘Key.’
‘What’s going on, Ed?’
‘Key.’ He wags his fingers impatiently. I find myself taking the key to the flat from my pocket and passing it to him.
Ed beckons me into the kitchen, closing the door behind me.
‘This is what’s going on,’ he says. A smile plays at the corners of his mouth, then he slips his arms around my waist and draws me to him, kissing me. His kisses grow longer and his hands begin to roam over my body. I squirm free. ‘Stop, Ed,’ I whisper, looking furtively around in case Mum appears.
Ed smiles. ‘Don’t worry, your Mum’s at the hospital. I phoned and spoke to her earlier when I couldn’t get hold of you.’ He begins kissing me again. ‘I’ve missed you, Erin.’ He cups my breast under my t-shirt and gives a small moan. ‘Let’s go to your bedroom.’ His voice is deep and low.
For the second time, the thought of making love to Ed isn’t appealing whatsoever. In fact, even referring to it as ‘making love’ is making me recoil, it doesn’t seem right to think of it as that. It’s more like just sex. Sex that I’m not the least bit interested in, especially not in Mum and Dad’s home.
‘Oh, Ed, I can’t,’ I say, pulling his hand out from under my top.
‘Of course you can.’ He looks surprised. ‘Come on, Erin. You turned me down last time. Don’t insult me again. It can’t still be your period. We haven’t done it for ages.’
‘I didn’t know we had to keep to a schedule,’ I reply, trying to keep the irritation from my voice. His tactics are doing nothing but turning me off even more. If that’s possible. ‘What if my mum comes back?’ I add lamely.
‘She won’t be back for ages. Come on, Erin, it will be fine.’ Once again, he pulls me towards him and once again I push him away. ‘Christ Almighty, Erin! What’s wrong with you?’ His eyes narrow and his lip curls as anger sweeps his face. ‘What’s going on? Is it that hillbilly?’
‘Who?’ I do, of course, know exactly who Ed means.
‘Who?’ scoffs Ed. ‘Kerry, the hippy biker, of course.’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous, Ed. It’s nothing to do with Kerry at all. Trust you to jump to conclusions.’
‘What is it, then? You’ve got to admit, from where I’m standing it all looks a bit suspicious.’
‘I’m not in the mood, that’s all,’ I say. ‘I’m tired. I’ve been working long hours.’
‘Didn’t stop you going out on the bike with him, though, did it?’
‘I am allowed some time off,’ I say, disentangling myself completely from his grip. ‘You’ve been to Ralph and Melissa’s, and I don’t suppose that’s the only thing you’ve done in your free time.’ I know full well Ed has a wide circle of friends and as long as I’ve known him he’s never been short of an invite to go somewhere with someone.
‘That’s different,’ says Ed.
‘How is it?’
‘I’ve been out with my friends.’
‘Likewise.’ I sigh at our argument. ‘Look, why don’t I make us a coffee?’
‘If you like.’
I make the coffee in silence as Ed sulks and then carry the two cups through to the living room. Ed sits down on the sofa and I feel obliged to sit next to him. ‘So what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?’ I ask, aware there is little gratitude in my voice.
‘Spur-of-the-moment decision,’ says Ed. He leans forward, his arms resting on his legs. ‘Actually, that’s not quite true. There is a reason.’
‘Which is?’
‘I need to know when you’re coming back to work.’
‘In all honestly, I don’t know,’ I say. ‘Dad’s not recovering as quickly as they had hoped. They put off waking him but he is breathing on his own now, which is a good sign. They are having another meeting about it next week to decide on the way forward. I can’t possibly come back until I know a more certain prognosis.’ I sip my coffee. My life in London seems a million miles away, whereas my life here in Rossway, working in the café, seems more like the norm. ‘And even then, I might have to stay to help Mum.’
‘Anyone would think you like being here.’
‘It’s not as bad as I thought, to be honest.’
Ed gives me an old-fashioned look. ‘Are you serious? You are, aren’t you? For God’s sake, Erin.’ He picks up the teaspoon and taps the palm of his hand with it. ‘I need to have a firm date for when you’re coming back to work.’
‘I wish I could give you it.’
‘You can’t expect me to treat you any differently to the other girls.’ Ed has a slightly belligerent tone to his voice and then more softly. ‘I’ve barely seen you for weeks, let alone had any real close contact.’
I roll my eyes. ‘We’re back to that again, are we?’
‘It’s only natural.’ He puts the spoon down and turns on the sofa to face me. ‘I don’t want to argue and I don’t want to put you under any more pressure, but I have no choice.’ He takes my hand. ‘If you’re not back at work in two weeks, I’ll have to let you go.’
‘Let me go? What do you mean? Finish with me?’
‘That’s up to you,’ says Ed. ‘What’s the point staying together if you’re living on the opposite side of the Irish Sea to me?
‘When do you need to know?’ I ask, whilst acknowledging I’m not as heartbroken at the prospect as perhaps I should be.
‘I’ll be over next weekend for the naming ceremony, you know, the one I absolutely can’t wait to attend,’ he says, making his fingers into the barrel of a gun and pretending the shoot himself in the temple. Then, looking seriously at me, ‘You can let me know what your decision is then.’
Chapter 16
‘Say bye to everyone,’ said Kerry, standing at the door of Apple Tree Cottage.
‘Bye Mammy. Bye Daddy. Bye-bye baby Breeze,’ said Storm, waving solemnly in turn at each of them.
‘Now you be good for Kerry,’ said Joe. ‘And be nice to those Keane girls too, I don’t want Sean Keane coming round here after me. He might put your daddy in jail.’
‘And that will be a blessing to us all,’ said Bex.
‘Ah sure, you’d miss me, so you would,’ said Joe.
‘What, your smelly socks lying around, t-shirts covered in grease and oil, your snoring,’ said Bex. ‘Yeah, sure, I’d miss those, all right.’
‘Well, you’re the child’s mother,’ retorted Joe, winking at Kerry. ‘If he does anything wrong, that’s down to you, I’d say. You’re the one at home with him all day.’
‘Jody Wright, you’re walking a fine line,’ said Bex.
Kerry grinned at the easy banter between husband and wife. ‘We promise to be on our best behaviour, don’t we, Storm? You’ll be nice to Sophie and Molly and I’ll be nice to Erin.’
‘Yeah and that’s what I’m worried about,’ said Joe. He gave Kerry a punch on the arm. ‘You and Erin playing happy families. Although, I like your thinking, the two of you. Taking out the little ones. It’s a trial run, so it is. To see how you like it.’
‘Leave them alone, Joe,’ called Bex. ‘Now come back in here, your daughter wants her nappy changing.’
Kerry left his cousin to it. He loved the relationship Joe and Bex had and he hoped that one day he’d find someone he was as comfortable with. Someone he’d like to have a family with. Despite his own fractured relationship with his mother, the thought of his own family one day warmed him. If he had learned anything from his mother, it was how not to mother. He would love his own children forever, unconditionally. He had absolutely no doubt about that. He would never treat his children the way he had been treated by his mother. He used the term loosely. Being pregnant and giving birth might give a woman the right t
o be called a mother, but there was far more to it than that.
He cursed to himself. He could feel his mood beginning to drop. Just thinking about his mother could do that to him. He made a conscious effort to put all thoughts of the woman out of his mind. He didn’t want it to darken the day. He was looking forward to spending some time with Erin.
Kerry walked up Corkscrew Lane, heading towards the new estate where Fiona and Sean Keane lived and where he was meeting Erin. It had been a spontaneous idea to invite Erin and all the kids out for the afternoon, after he’d called into the café that morning and caught her looking through a small pocket photo album. She had shoved it in her pocket when she saw him approaching the counter.
‘What you got there?’ said Kerry.
‘Nothing,’ she said and then when Kerry had raised his eyebrows, she had taken it out again. ‘It’s just a small album with pictures of Sophie and Molly. Fiona sends me photos and regular updates.’
‘Do you miss your family being so far away?’
At first Kerry thought she was going to tell him to mind his own business, but she must have changed her mind. ‘Yes. Yes, I do miss them,’ she said. ‘Very much. When I see you with Storm and Breeze, it makes me wish I could take the girls out and do normal things with them.’
‘And what’s stopping you?’
‘I’m not here very much, am I?’
‘But you are now,’ said Kerry. ‘Why don’t we have, what is it they call it these days, a play date? You bring the girls out and I’ll bring Storm. We can go down the beach or to the woods. Take a picnic. You know, the sort of thing you do with kids. What do you say?’
A smile spread across her face. ‘I say I’d like that very much.’
And so they had arranged this play date. Although Kerry had to admit, he was probably looking forward to it far more than Storm was. He wondered what Erin felt about it. He had definitely sensed something between them the other day after the bike ride and back at the barbecue, when she had come out of the bathroom. Not only had she had to put up with Dick-Ed, but Roisin had been spoiling for a fight too. Kerry sensed there was history between Roisin and Erin, history that he was unaware of. He knew that Erin had dated Roisin’s brother, but there was something else he was, as yet, unaware of.