by Sue Fortin
Blindly, I head towards the cottage, trying to keep a dignified and composed walk, but the need to escape Ed drives my feet faster than I want. As I approach the cottage, I realise it will be full of people and I will only have the bathroom in which to hide. I detour round the sandpit and pass the other side of the gazebo. Lifting the latch on the gate to the vegetable garden, I hurry through.
The laurel bush that shields this part from the main garden is high enough to hide behind if I sit on the ground. Finally, I let the tears fall, but only a few before the anger rises to the surface, quelling them. How dare they laugh at Kerry and my friends? Ed and Ralph know nothing about the Wrights. Melissa is just as bad. Then for Ed to bring up why I left Rossway is the final straw.
The click of the latch on the gate as it closes makes me look up. It’s Kerry. Furtively I wipe my face clear of any tears. Without saying anything, he comes and sits down beside me, a bottle of homemade wine in one hand and two plastic beakers in the other. He pulls out the cork with his teeth and puffs it onto the grass before pouring the pale-gold liquid into the cups.
The silence remains as he hands me a cup, which I accept and take a large gulp. The first mouthful catches in the back of my throat but the second slides down a lot easier.
‘So, what’s up? Ed living up to his name?’
I give Kerry a sideways look. ‘Which is?’
‘Dick-Ed. I can’t claim the credit for coming up with that one, but it kind of fits.’
‘I don’t suppose I need to ask whose idea it was.’ I take another gulp of wine. No doubt it was Joe’s idea. I ought to feel offended by the nickname, but somehow I can’t quite summon up that emotion.
Kerry tops up my glass. ‘What are you doing with Ed? You know you’d be much happier with me.’ He grins and gives my shoulder a squeeze. I like the feel of his arm around me and am in no hurry to shrug it off.
I give a wry smile back. ‘You are funny.’
‘Hmm, that wasn’t quite the impression I was going for.’
An easy silence falls between us as I close my eyes and lean my head on Kerry’s shoulder, soaking up the warm summer rays. The music and chattering coming from the other side of the hedge, together with the effects of the alcohol and sunshine, make me feel decidedly relaxed again. I push thoughts of Ed, Ralph and Melissa from my mind.
For a moment I wonder if I’m dreaming and haven’t managed to clear my mind after all. The low voices of Ralph and Melissa drift over the hedge.
‘You’re looking very sexy today.’ It’s Ralph.
I sit up and exchange a look with Kerry, who puts his finger to his mouth, giving a wink as he does so.
Melissa’s giggle is followed by some murmurs, which I can only guess is the two of them kissing. I pull a face at Kerry.
‘Stop it, Ralph,’ comes Melissa’s giggling voice.
‘Can’t wait to get you back to the hotel room,’ replies Ralph. ‘Thank God we’re not staying at the flat with Erin. We’d end up sharing a room with old Ed.’
‘Sharing a room with Ed?’
‘Yes, didn’t you know? Erin won’t let him share a bed with her at her parents’ place.’ The sneer in Ralph’s voice is obvious. ‘How bloody old-fashioned is that?’
‘Ooh, I bet Ed’s not happy.’
‘No-fucking-way is he.’
I can feel the anger bubbling inside me. Ralph taking the mickey. It’s none of his business. Kerry’s hand holds firm on my shoulder, preventing me from moving. He slowly shakes his head.
‘I don’t know what he sees in her, if I’m honest.’ Melissa is talking again. ‘I mean, she’s nice enough on the surface, but there’s something about her I can’t quite put my finger on.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean. We’ve all known her for about two or three years and, yet, we don’t know her at all.’ Ralph’s voice is clearer now, as if he’s forgotten they’re supposed to be whispering.
‘They say the quiet ones are the ones to watch. There’s definitely something she’s keeping a secret. I wonder if Ed knows what it is.’
‘If he does, he hasn’t said anything to me,’ says Ralph. ‘If I’m honest, I don’t think the two of them will last much longer. She was his little project.’
‘Project?’
‘You know the film My Fair Lady? Eliza Doolittle. That’s what Erin’s like.’ Ralph sniggers. ‘Ed’s project was to see if he could re-educate her. Turn her into a more sophisticated, classy sort of woman.’
Melissa lets out a laugh. ‘Oh, that sounds awful, but I can quite see what you mean. Trouble is, it’s all obviously an act for Erin. She can’t keep the sophisticated thing up. As soon as she’s back home, she’s gone all Mother Earth. Well, as far as you can without doing the mother bit.’
‘Speaking of which, wonder where she went?’
‘Come on, let’s see if Ed wants to leave yet. This is sooo fucking boring. My heels keep sinking into the grass and if I have to hear another word about motorbikes or babies with ridiculous names, I swear I’ll scream. Take me back to civilisation, Ralph, please, I’m begging you.’
Melissa’s voice trails off, indicating she’s already walking away.
‘You don’t need to ask me twice,’ Ralph calls back.
Then there’s silence.
I don’t want to look at Kerry. Humiliated doesn’t even begin to cover it.
‘Why do you stay with him?’ asks Kerry again.
‘That’s a bit of a direct question.’
‘I like direct. Everyone knows where they stand.’
‘Direct can be confrontational,’ I say, trying to steer the conversation away from his original question.
‘It depends if the other person doesn’t like what they’re hearing or are in denial,’ he says. There’s no challenge to his tone, just matter of fact. Still it prickles me.
‘Is that a jibe at me?’
‘No jibe, merely an observation.’
‘I’d like you to keep your observations to yourself.’ I try my best to keep my tone even. ‘Pour more wine instead.’
Kerry obliges, without taking his arm from me. He puts the bottle back down before speaking again.
‘I wish I knew what was going on in that head of yours.’
‘Trust me, you don’t.’ I take a large sip of the wine.
‘You really think I’ll be shocked by something you’ve done? Any secrets are safe with me.’
‘Really? Is that because you have secrets of your own?’
‘Fighting talk, eh? Don’t usually get to keep anything secret around here. Most locals know about me. I’m not news any more. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed.’
I sit up and study him for a moment. His grey eyes have a blue tint to them, reflecting the cloudless sky above.
‘But you do have secrets. I can tell. You have that look about you,’ I say with a soft voice. There are things about Kerry Wright I don’t know, things nobody else in the village knows. Things he’s most definitely keeping a secret – and they hurt. They are buried deep, but they are still painful. It’s his understanding that convinces me. He seems to know what I’m feeling. He empathises with me because he’s felt the pain too.
His gaze continues for what seems like ages. I don’t look away. I can hear the distant chatter of the guests, the sound of Guns N’ Roses playing out ‘Sweet Child of Mine’. Despite the rock music, the backdrop of bird song and leaves rustling in the gentle summer breeze, everything seems to be at one with each other. That includes me and Kerry. I sense some sort of invisible bond pulling our souls together.
His fingertips rest on the side of my face. ‘You know what, Erin, me and you, we’ve got a lot in common.’ He dips in for a brief kiss, before standing up and taking my hands in his, hauling me to my feet. ‘Go out there with your head held high. You’re better than them.’
Chapter 18
Sitting at the dining table in my parents’ flat, I know the conversation I’m about to have with Ed is going to be difficult. I barely sle
pt at all last night. Thoughts were tossed around in my head continuously, until they had eventually merged into a kaleidoscope of ever-changing suggestions and solutions, where I could no longer distinguish one from the other.
Finally, I had drifted off into a sleep, plagued by images of Ed standing next to Jody Wright, laughing at the colour of my hair, and then for me to be whisked away in a little blue hatchback, like the one Niall used to drive, except this time it was Kerry at the wheel but with Diana and Roisin Marshall in the back. All very bizarre, I conclude, as I sip my tea.
‘You’re up early,’ says Mum, standing in the doorway. ‘Ed asleep, is he?’
‘As far as I know. I haven’t seen him this morning.’ I change the subject. ‘You haven’t remembered where the keys for the safe are yet, have you, Mum?’
‘I wish everyone would stop asking me about the keys. Sean was on about them the other day. Had I found them? The Guards wanted to know whether to rule out an accident or not. Honestly, I don’t really care right now.’
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have got all cross like that. Now, are you coming to the hospital today?’ Although Mum fields this as a question, I know it’s a request, bordering on an instruction. I haven’t been to see Dad for several days now and I’m aware it pains her.
‘Yes, I’ll come up this morning,’ I say. ‘I’ll ask Fiona to mind the café. She did actually mention it herself yesterday.’
‘I know it’s difficult for you,’ says Mum, ‘but he is still your father and he is critically injured. You should be there.’
‘I know.’ I feel ashamed my own feelings are so transparent. It hurts her, which, by default, means it hurts me. ‘Sorry. It’s just…’
My voice tails off. Now isn’t the time for this. I’m already facing a difficult talk with Ed; I really don’t need to get into another with Mum. When things are a bit more stable and not in such a state of flux, maybe then I can have the conversation that we have both been putting off for the past ten years. It’s waited this long, it can wait some more.
As if sensing my reluctance, Mum changes the subject. ‘Is Ed heading back home this morning?’
‘Yes, I’ll wake him up in a moment. He needs to get back because of work.’
‘How are things between the two of you?’
‘Fine.’ It’s an automatic response, a bit like when someone asks how you are and really, you could be on your last legs but you still say you’re fine.
‘It’s your mother you’re speaking to now,’ says Mum, clearly understanding that fine doesn’t always mean fine.
Mum is quiet and unassuming, yet underneath that gentle exterior is a perceptive, intuitive and steely woman.
‘Not great.’
‘I didn’t think so.’ Mum takes a sip of her tea before speaking again. ‘Is it salvageable?’
‘Probably, but I don’t know if I want to launch a rescue mission.’
‘If you don’t know, then I suspect you do know, deep down inside,’ she says. ‘Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and be brave. Now, I must get on. Sean is picking me up soon.’
Ed looks at me as if I’ve taken leave of my senses. I can see him visibly compute what I’ve said, only to then disbelieve it.
‘You want to finish with me?’ The incredulous tone serves to back up my appraisal. ‘This really is your choice? When I said you had to make a choice, I didn’t really think you would choose here.’ He emphasises the last word.
I nod before I speak in an attempt to soften my words. ‘I think we both know it’s the right thing to do. Neither of us has to pretend we are “the one” for each other any more.’
‘It’s those bloody tree-huggers, isn’t it? They’ve brainwashed you.’ Ed stands and paces to the living-room window and back again. ‘Many a true word said in jest and all that.’
I can see he’s making a visible effort to compose himself. I want to make this as easy as possible for both of us. I suspect it’s his pride that hurts more than his heart.
‘It’s for the best. I’m going to be here for a while, helping Mum, and when Dad recovers they are both going to need support. Mum can’t do everything on her own.’
‘So you’re going to defect over to this backwater for good? Is this what you really want?’
‘Mum needs me.’
‘You didn’t answer my question. I said, is this what you really want?’
‘It’s a temporary thing.’
‘Bah! I can’t believe you want to give everything up: London, your flat, your job, your lifestyle…me…for this.’ He gestures around the room with his hand. ‘Your old bedroom, working in a café and a load of hillbillies.’
‘They are NOT hillbillies.’
‘As good as,’ says Ed. ‘I always thought you hated this life, here. That you never wanted to come back to it.’
‘Things change. People change.’ I’m conscious that I’m echoing exactly what Fiona has said to me. It seems there is some truth in it after all.
‘Don’t say I haven’t tried to talk you out of it,’ says Ed. ‘After all I’ve done for you and this is how you repay me. You’re like some sort of leech. I hope you’ll be happy now in this shit-hole because you won’t get another chance like mine again to get you out of it.’
He slams the door and I can hear his footsteps stamp angrily down the hallway. The bedroom door reverberates throughout the flat as he throws it closed behind him.
I sit still, analysing my feelings. I’m not sad. It surprises me. In fact, I’m already beginning to feel like the weight on my shoulders – to always live up to his expectations – is lighter. It’s the right decision.
Five minutes later I’m standing at the window watching Ed jump into his hired BMW and rev the engine excessively before tearing off down the road. His farewell had been terse and business-like. He would post my P45 out, check his flat for any of my belongings and take them round to the house I share. And just in case I thought about changing my mind – tough, because Ed didn’t do second chances.
Chapter 19
Teenage Kicks
Leaving day
I jump in the car, the engine is running and Niall pulls away before I’ve even shut the door properly.
‘We’ve done it,’ I say, stuffing my bag deep into the foot well.
‘Wahoo!’ yells Niall. He punches the air, the car takes a little swerve, which makes me grab onto the side of the seat. Niall rights the car and we speed off through the main street of the village.
‘Why are we going this way?’ I ask, looking across at Niall. I’m not sure I like the look on his face. He is grinning wildly. ‘We’re supposed to be making a secret escape.’
‘Niall throws his head back and laughs. ‘Just a little detour. Besides, I don’t give a feck about this lot. Small-minded villagers. They can kiss my arse.’
He takes one hand off the wheel and reaches over to the stereo, cranking up the volume. Drum ‘n’ base music blares out. Normally, I’d enjoy this but there is something about Niall that is making me nervous.
I turn the volume down and glance over at the speedo.
‘What are you doing?’ He attempts to reach over again and I push his hand away. ‘Stop it. It’s too loud and you’re driving too fast.’
We near the end of the road and at the last minute Niall applies the brakes, yanks the steering wheel to the right and the car throws itself around the corner. I’m flung into the side of the door.
‘For God’s sake! Slow down!’ I’m shouting at him. He’s scaring the life out of me. I’ve never seen him like this before. His pupils are dilated and he’s throwing his head back, laughing. ‘Niall,’ I plead with him. ‘Please slow down. What’s wrong with you?’ I hit his arm to make him listen to me. I can feel myself on the verge of tears. He’s really scaring me now.
Suddenly he slams on the brakes. We are just outside the village boundary now.
Throwing open the driver’s door he
leans out and is sick all over the road. He releases his seat belt and stumbles out of the car across to the grass verge, where he vomits some more. I get out and rush around the car.
‘Are you okay?’ He looks a deathly white. He can’t focus on me properly and as he stands up he sways. ‘You’re drunk,’ I say. ‘Or high.’
‘Sorry,’ he mumbles. ‘Farewell drink with Roisin.’
‘Idiot,’ I say.
‘We need to go to the old croft,’ says Niall.
‘Whatever for?’
He doesn’t answer me and staggers back to the car.
We have only been going for a few more minutes when the first drops of rain begin to spit onto the windscreen. It’s not long before the spits become drops, then morph into splats. Faster and faster, heavier and heavier.
Headlights sweep around the bend ahead of us. The trees are lit up and road is more visible. I can see the rods of rain now hammering out of the night sky. Then a car comes round the bend towards us. The two white headlights burn bright and I am transfixed by them. I can’t see anything other than the burning globes. The car passes us quickly. Suddenly the road is darker, the only illumination coming from the headlights of Niall’s car.
Neither of us sees the flood of water lying across our path as we come out of the bend. The car suddenly loses contact with the road; it slips to the left.
We are now sliding sideways. The tyres snatch at the tarmac as we veer out of the water. I hear myself scream as we skid and continue our unchecked slide into the grass verge. I feel like everything is happening so slowly when, in fact, it’s only taking seconds. The car pitches into the ditch. We somersault over. I can hear the crunch of metal, the shattering of glass. I hear Niall give some sort of shout, it’s impossible to make out what he’s saying.
As the car turns over, Niall is flung to the side. His head hits mine with such force I feel a searing pain and then nothing. I see nothing. I hear nothing.
The first conscious moment I have is dominated by pain. A distorted human-like groan filters through. I realise it is me. The pain I can locate to my head mostly, but my left shoulder hurts too.