by John Austin
So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead
John Austin
Being undead can be disorienting. Your arms and other appendages tend to rot and fall off. It’s difficult to communicate with a vocabulary limited to moans and gurgles. And that smell! (Yes, it’s you.) But most of all, you must constantly find and ingest human brains. Braaaains!!!
What’s a zombie to do?
Thankfully, zombiologist John Austin details everything you need to know, as a newly undead soul, to hunt, fight, and feed on the living. As the first handbook written specifically for the undead, So Now You’re a Zombie explains how you ended up in this predicament, the stages of zombification, and what you need to survive in this zombiphobic world. Dozens of helpful diagrams outline attack strategies, such as the Ghoul Reach, the Flanking Zack, the Bite Hold, and the Aerial Fall, to secure your human prey. You’ll even learn how to successfully extract the living from boarded up farmhouses and broken down vehicles.
This handbook also explores the upside of being a zombie. Gone are the burdens of employment, taxes, social networks, even basic hygiene, allowing you to focus on simple necessities in “life”: the juicy gray matter found in the skulls of the living.
John Austin
SO NOW YOU’RE A ZOMBIE
A Handbook for the Newly Undead
THIS HANDBOOK BELONGS TO:
INTRODUCTION
The Road to Brainville
ZOMBIE EYES ONLY
For centuries, humans have stereotyped zombies as simpleminded, flesh-eating monstrosities that aimlessly stumble around the world of the living, hunting for a taste of their most precious dish: the human brain. Dripping with infected blood, zeds will slaughter, gorge, and multiply until they drive their principal food source, humankind, to extinction.
These assumptions are basically correct. We zombies are more reckless and less quick-witted than our living counterparts—our bloodstained history reflects that. But we possess other attributes and abilities that provide us with distinct advantages over the living. While our bodies are impervious to pain, humans are tormented by the slightest injury. While we lack all emotion, they are driven by pride and greed, fighting amongst themselves over resources, politics, and potential mates.
Unfortunately, humans will also fight for their own survival, hindering the ability of any zombie horde to peacefully feed on them. Most humans will run and some will hide, but few will lie down for the easy picking. Some may even battle us to the death, and it is these dead-enders who make the existence of a zombie so dangerous. A simple feeding frenzy can turn hazardous without warning, and often the zombie itself will lose an appendage—or even its head. Either outcome will hamper a zed’s vile body in future feedings, and could result in its second demise.
In recent years, human resistance has been fortified by a grotesque surge in publications that outline survival strategies for the living in case of a zombie outbreak. Very few books (if any) have been written to teach brain-eaters such as you how to hunt, fight, and feed. That is precisely the reason the earth is still crawling with breathers, and why only three out of five zombies survive the first 48 hours of postmortem “life.”
So Now You’re a Zombie aims to correct this imbalance. Originally written in blood hundreds of years ago, it has now been updated with fresh content for today’s zed. It is a digest of specific information that you, the newly undead, can absorb in order to prepare for man’s brutality and improve your survival rate. If you apply its lessons instead of just eating the pages they’re printed on, you’ll soon become one terrorizing S.O.B.
As all zombies know, learning can be hell! But to survive, you must refocus your limited brainpower and hone what little dexterity you have left. In order to reduce the pressure on your decaying cranium, this book provides you with only the bare bones—the essential information you need to know before engaging with the living. So Now You’re a Zombie will:
Introduce you to your new smelly body
Offer insights on the living resistance
Provide information on how to properly attack a human
Ensure that you feel adequately prepared to defend against last-ditch resisters
Expose you to the nutritional demands of an all-human diet
Provide insight from experienced zombies that have successfully infected the living
Uncover a wide range of other issues you will face in the living world
Outline a contingency plan for when the end is near
This information, when used correctly (and not eaten), should give you the upper hand (if still attached) over your human prey. And by reducing horde casualties, you and other well-oriented zeds can assist in the collapse of civilization. Remember, you’re part of a team. When individual zombies succeed, the undead horde succeeds, and vice versa.
In short, So Now You’re a Zombie will help you build a foundation for many aggressive, brain-gobbling years to come.
Zombie Assessment
Yes, becoming a zed can be a confusing experience. But, then, living as a human amid a zombie outbreak must be pretty bewildering as well. Who knows—maybe you’re not a zombie after all! If you have any whiff of doubt about your current status, living or undead, we recommend that you use the following checklist as a self-diagnosis. Check all the boxes that apply.
• You have a dismal appearance. Fashion is no longer a priority, or maybe it never was. Your clothes have been reduced to rags and hang off your body. Just remember: if you are a zombie, whatever you died in is what you’ll be wearing for the rest of your post-life, so hopefully you dressed comfortably.
• You’re suffering from insomnia. Haven’t slept for days, but you’re still functioning? A good night’s sleep has been proven to help body restoration—something every zombie will no doubt miss.
• You notice changes in mobility. You lack coordination and now move with a slow and shambling gait. You may experience jerks and seizures as well.
• Communication is difficult. Most zombies can’t talk, so don’t feel bad. You’ll be limited to grunting and moaning—if your lungs are still intact, that is.
• You’re experiencing skin decomposition. A zombie’s skin will eventually become toxic and infectious, but in the early stages of post-life you may experience small outbreaks of flesh-eating bacteria and parasites. No reason to be alarmed; fully infected cells will quickly evict those hungry critters.
• You’ve thrown off all your emotional baggage. You have no concept of right or wrong. Awesome! Behavioral side effects may occur; they’re just the tip of the iceberg.
• Your memory is slipping. In fact, your memory is gone! You may still find yourself being drawn toward a particular location or performing a specific action as if it’s somehow familiar, but don’t confuse that with memory. The body of a newly risen zed sometimes responds instinctively to certain pheromones or repeats deeply ingrained learned behavior.
• You’re bulletproof from the neck down. Ammo may slow you down, but you are only slightly fazed by gunshots to the body. Just avoid any head shots.
• You crave human brains. Strangely, pizza and pasta no longer do it for you. The taste of ordinary human food is similar to cardboard. Vegetarian or not, you are now 100 percent carnivore.
• You recently died. This is a big one! Now you’re “magically” reading this book. Spooky, huh?
If you checked only a few of the boxes (except the last one), you might still be living and uninfected; stop reading and seek professional help immediately. But if all or most of them fit the bill, you’re a frickin’ zombie!
So now
what? Even the undead have options, however limited.
1. Zombicide. Find a convenient way to destroy your remaining brain function and end it all (see “Zombicide,” page 140). However, you will never have the opportunity to have your boss as an appetizer.
2. Shamble alone. Assume that this guide carries the stench of burden. Abandon its advice and search aimlessly for a brainy brunch until someone cuts off your head.
3. Accept your fate. Try to extract some of the knowledge from this manual and join the struggle, uprising, plague, apocalypse … call it what you will!
If you moaned “threeeeeee,” we are drooling with excitement that you crave an evil education, and will help you take those first shambling steps as a new zed.
Safety Precautions
While you drool over these pages, you must remember one thing: keep this book from those living bastards! Humans may already have access to countless volumes of zombie lore and survival strategies written by their own so-called experts, but these books are often filled with inaccurate or outdated information. Because this is an official guide by zombies, for zombies, the insights it contains would prove far more dangerous in mortal hands. Let the humans continue to believe the centuries-old myths they have prepared for.
To protect the manual, place it in one of your open body cavities for safe-keeping. If in fact a human terminates you, the book and all its knowledge will be disposed of along with your corpse. An inexperienced human would never risk the chance of viral infection by touching or dissecting a zombie.
Zeds’ Disclaimer
The knowledge in this book has come at a price. Thousands of relentless zombies have given up their post-lives to amass it. It is important to remember, however, that the zombies who wrote this book possessed questionable intelligence. Even with their limited IQs pooled together, some information in this book might prove incomplete or misleading. If you choose to apply the principles outlined in this book, your safety and the safety of the horde are not guaranteed.
The amount of useful material you extract from this book will be directly related to your level of decomposition. While fresh zombies have always exhibited a higher capacity for learning, in some rare cases, heavily decomposed zombies have managed to retain some knowledge as well.
Finally, please be advised that some contents of this book are graphic in nature, and could make you hungry.
Sincerely,
1. WHAT THE HELL AM I?
Zedulations, you’re a zombie! You are one of the newest appendages of an alliance of infected ex-humans, a creature seasoned for a single duty: to gorge upon the living. The zombie virus stuffed in your innards borrows the human body—similar to “borrowing a tissue”—shutting off all your wasteful bodily functions then reanimating you with a hunger that defies the laws of human science. Your body is now controlled by roughly 50 billion contaminated neurons in the brain (though, admittedly, we’ve never counted them), all manipulated to a new purpose: to hunt, fight, and feed.
Prior to your body’s metamorphosis, also known as zombification, these neurons were highly developed, capable of problem solving, language, memory, and perverted thinking. But once you became infected, all these mental processes were dissolved in a traumatic brain event, even the kinky ones. This viral dementia is precisely the reason you don’t remember joining up! Going forward, it will affect your ability to use weapons, hunt cooperatively, and communicate during the pursuit of the living. These attributes have been replaced by screaming, drooling, shambling, and other zed mannerisms, which may or may not come in handy.
Once the z-virus is introduced into a system, it is 100 percent incurable, so rest assured: your position in the Army of Darkness is irrevocable. However, in order to remain a productive member of our team, you must consume and absorb uninfected flesh to decelerate decomposition.
The good news is, you are well equipped with the weapons necessary to gain access to your tasty prey. Your newly transformed brain cells still erratically control all gross motor skills, allowing your zombie body to be clumsily mobile and react to the world in a limited, instinctual way. With the help of newly enhanced zombie senses, these crude motor skills are all you need to track and dine on the living. In addition, you’re impervious to pain and capable of absorbing large amounts of damage, including the loss of appendages or major organs. Your body will keep on ticking until it’s disconnected from your brain, whether through decapitation, blunt force trauma, fire, or cranial penetration.
It’s a lotto absorb, but throughout the rest of the book all the information you need will be regurgitated in body-dragging detail.
Screw Responsibility!
They say infection, we say solution! In your past incarnation, the world was filled with what humans call “responsibilities,” grotesque obligations that held you accountable to your peers. But as a zed, you are no longer bedeviled by these rules. In fact, high standards and quality living are actually frowned upon in the zombie world. As the Zombie Code clearly states, “A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation” (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). So F responsibilities!
Need specifics? Here are just a few of the human distractions from which the z-virus has freed you.
Taxes. The government may be looking for you, but it’s probably not because your 1040 form was late. If they want it, they can come and get it. You could give a rat’s ass about W2s when you have WWZ on your tainted mind.
Work. In past lives, most zombies were chained to demeaning desk jobs and tortured by asshole bosses. Consider this an early retirement. The time for pushing pencils and processing numbers is over—this is the time to burn bridges!
Investments. Remember having to save for your financial future? No, you probably don’t, and that’s for the best. If you’d known that the currency-free existence of a zombie awaited you, you could have just bought that damn sports car!
Dieting. South Beach, North Beach… you’ve counted your last calorie. The Brain Beach Diet is not restrictive.
Hygiene. Body maintenance is now out of your hands, assuming you still have them. Even without a daily grooming routine, you’ll still turn heads, trust us. A slow shamble down any main street will have all the girls and boys screaming.
Sleep. Party all night long! Zombies don’t need sleep, which allows us to hunt continually, sun up or sun down!
Social Networking. As a human, you probably spent much of your time dodging shady acquaintances and their “friend requests.” Now they’ll be the ones avoiding you.
Dating. Zeds are not great with relationships; they often mistake attempts at intimacy for an aggressive attack and respond accordingly. Think on the bright side: no more buying flowers or forgetting anniversaries. Good for you, bad for Hallmark.
Zombie History
Like zombies throughout history, you roam in the present by the seat of your soiled pants. You have enough trouble just staggering day to day, and probably don’t have any interest in eyeballing your gloomy past. Unfortunately, this fixed mindset can be unhealthy (just like you!). When it comes to sustained destruction, the undead have a mediocre legacy, and without some slight rubbernecking, history can easily repeat itself. We’ve ripped out most of the blood-soaked details, narrowing it down to a skeletal outline.
Prehistoric Zombies
Zombo sapiens stumbled into West Africa roughly 200,000 years ago, hauntingly close to the time of modern man—Homo sapiens. Evidence indicates that in the beginning, breathers and the undead had many similarities. Both species exhibited shoddy communications skills, lacked personal hygiene, and occasionally experimented with cannibalism.
The ancient zeds lacked any zombie culture, though they did exhibit primitive communal dynamics, assembling into hordes, also known as mobs or zombie walks, to hunt down their elusive prey. With relatively few humans to feed on, the ancient zeds were often on the brink of severe decomposition. Once massed together, early Zombo sapiens would rely heavily on the newly reanimated to snif
f out hidden human flesh. If a human victim was located, the new recruits’ screams and moans would shatter the stale air and stimulate the starved pack to close in on the bewildered human. Flesh proportions would have to be shared.
Not only was Zombo sapiens’ existence a constant struggle for survival, but also the ancient strain of the z-virus was weak by today’s standards. For both these reasons, our earliest ancestors succeeded in infesting only a minuscule portion of the human population.
Soon, however, populations of Homo sapiens and Zombo sapiens were both on the rise, and it became more difficult to coexist. Uninfected humans invented stone tools, including blunt weapons, and embraced pointlessly aggressive behavioral patterns. Armed and dangerous, the living were now killing zombies for pleasure, a murderous pursuit that previewed humankind’s bloody future.
With an undead genocide underway, the zeds were forced to evolve in order to survive. They developed a persistent hunger for brains that transcended their basic need for nourishment. Other evolutionary adaptations also occurred: increased adrenaline production, and changes in the positioning of the larynx and hyoid bone that improved their projectile vomiting abilities.
The Zombie of Dolni figure is one of the earliest known depictions of the walking undead. Found in the Czech Republic, it has been dated to approximately 28,000 years ago.
With the zeds bullied into aggressiveness, zombie attacks began to rise during the Middle Paleolithic Age, about 150,000 years ago. Our ancestors began to experiment with nocturnal hunting; they could more easily locate breathing humans in the dark, while the defending breathers found it more difficult to see clearly and defend themselves. Soon, with an estimated world population of around 4,000 living and 400 undead, humans were on the brink of extinction. Unfortunately, ancient zombies lacked the ambition to finish the job, a pesky trait many of us suffer from to this day.