by John Austin
Reset your calendars to 1 A.Z.—After Zombie!
Infecting Animals
[NOT RECOMMENDED]
Depending on z-virus strain and their own biological makeup, some animals can experience zombification. The following creatures are the most susceptible to infection: apes, bears, bulls, cats, chimps, crocodiles, crows, dogs, elephants, gorillas, hippopotamuses, horses, komodo dragons, monkeys, pigs, rhinos, sharks, and wolves. A pretty impressive lineup—so would it be a good idea to invite infected critters into the horde?
The real question is, why risk it? Animals that resemble something out of a Pet Sematary are never a good idea to have around, not even for zombies. Think about it: if infected, an animal with far superior speed and strength would be competing with zeds to consume human flesh, and would likely succeed! In addition, attempting to purposely infect an animal can end in your own disfigurement. Almost all zombified animals are uncontrollable. And some animals, because of their size and power, should be avoided, infected or not (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).
Only a few undead animal could realistically assist a horde. The most notable is zed’s best friend, the domesticated zombie canine. (Not to be confused with werezombies.) But infected dogs are susceptible to many of the same problems zeds face; they need uninfected flesh to hold back the ravages of decomposition. They also have a shorter life cycle than human brain-eaters, due to the increased physical strain their undead bodies are subjected to.
It’s also surprisingly difficult to deliberately infect even a domesticated animal. If captured, most animals will reject your toxic flesh as food. The zed body certainly doesn’t smell appetizing, and it lacks carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. Starving animals that foolishly consume infectious flesh often die and do not reanimate.
But as with humans, animal are sometimes infected unintentionally. A curious critter that sniffs infected poo-poo or a terminated zed corpse could pick up the strain. (By the same token, if an uninfected human sniffs around an infected animal corpse, he or she could be infected.) Animals can also contract the virus by attacking a zombie—but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to deliberately provoke an animal in order to infect it!
9. IN THE END
Change is in the stale air—or is it the absence of that sweet fragrance of flesh? Sprawling streets, once filled with ear-piercing screams and sirens, are now mute, save only for the howl of the wind. Juicy bodies have been replaced with useless rotten carcasses. Ruination is everywhere, with barricades unbreached, a sure sign of death. Either by depletion or evacuation, once-plentiful brainy resources have all but disappeared, and your monthly supply of grub has become murderous to round up.
What’s worse, the once relentless horde is beginning to show signs of fragility. Starving zeds go stiff from extreme decomposition. The z-virus may have mutated, removing the very safeguards that once kept one zombie from attacking another. As the violence grows, snapping and clawing gives way to zed-on-zed murder.
Is this it? Is this the zombie plague we so desperately pursued? Are you feeling like the unwitting pawn in an undead apocalypse?
Well, if you think the end is near, read on.
Never Give Up!
Yes, you heard us right: never give up! Intoxicating gray matter may be hard to scare up, but it’s out there, waiting to be slurped down. While the human race may seem fragile, history has proven that they show amazing perseverance. No matter how overwhelming the zed siege was, pockets of mortals may survive in hiding, camouflaged, conspiring toward yet another undead onslaught.
To find these hidden breathers, may we suggest a change of scenery? Shamble your horde to new, unfamiliar hunting grounds. Do whatever is necessary to prolong your post-life along the way, including taste-testing nonhuman sources of food (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114). Experiment with all types of creepy-crawly foods, including worms and bugs.
No matter how desperate you are, though, do not resort to zombie cannibalism! Unless you’re doing it for some twisted personal revenge, eating a fellow zed serves absolutely no purpose, and is actually counterproductive. Infected flesh does not nourish the z-virus; it will only weigh down your frame, reducing your mobility. In addition, if you introduce an incompatible virus strain into your body, there could be all types of unpleasant side effects, including virus blisters. These pockets of toxic fluids can reduce your zombie abilities—eyes, ears, nose, and mouth can become clogged with skin boils. So before sampling another zed, search under every rock, leaf, and twig for an edible alternative. And rest assured that your tasty human opposition is out there somewhere, ready to be put back on the menu.
“Well-done apocalyptic is better than well-said apocalyptic.”
ZEDJAMIN FRANKLIN
Escaping Captivity
As a zombie outbreak winds down, you may find yourself captured by the elusive human resistance. While you probably won’t be happy to find yourself quarantined, it’s better than decapitation any day.
Keep in mind, however, that the breathers didn’t spare your life out of the goodness of their still-beating hearts. They generally capture zombies to engage in experimentation and tingling torture, neither of which should faze you. But another possibility is that they are processing you for disposal, which will faze you—out!
Humans are fully aware that you pose a serious hazard to them. To keep you safely contained, they’ll often resort to shackles and solitary confinement. Imprisoned, away from the horde, what’s a zed to do?
Step 1: Gnaw on Your Restraints
Your first move should be to free yourself from bondage. Use your teeth. Leather, plastic, and rope can all be gnawed through. But if the restraints are made out of a metal alloy, you may need to chew or twist off your appendages. Don’t get carried away—just gnaw the appendages that are restrained. Yes, dismemberment sucks, but at least you’ll be one step (or crawl) closer to freedom.
Step 2: Attack the Guards
Use one of your body weapons (see “Use Your Body as a Weapon,” page 81) to overcome your captors. Projectile vomiting is the most effective weapon when confined, but it’s not always possible for all zeds. Continue kicking and screaming until you’ve released your deadly contagion onto one or all of your captors.
Step 3: Exit
If the previous step succeeds, your living guards soon should be feeling the symptoms of the virus. This gives you a few exit options:
You can try to bolt while they are weakened and delusional—however, you may run into obstacles (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59).
You can wait until the virus paralyzes them, feed on them for strength, and then attempt to depart.
Perhaps the best option is to wait for your captors to be reanimated. If they survive zombification, they may be a big help. Research from field observation has shown that some newly reanimated zeds repeat past learned behaviors, such as unlocking cell doors. Your new zedmate could very well set you free!
Zombicide
Zombicide [ZOM-bee-side]: The act of voluntarily terminating oneself, if one is a zombie, during an activity that does not involve pursuing human flesh.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. When all else fails, some zeds may want to avoid a slow, decomposing death. While we do not advocate zombicide, we can’t stop you from trying it. You may have encountered too many hazards in the human world, any of which could have terminated you. But what if no mortal is present to do the deed? Two self-inflicted options stand out from all the others. Review these options, but please reconsider—you have your whole undead life ahead of you!
Fire
After any widespread zombie uprising, you’re likely to find a number of fires burning out of control. If you are a truly lazy zed, and are suffering the drying effects of decomposition, creep into the burning embers to end it all. The next few minutes will be your last, as flames swallow up your devilish bag of bones.
Fall
Height can kill! If you’re looking for a quick
way to destroy your brain, take a tumble off a bridge, parking structure, or high-rise. But before you do, make sure you’ll be falling three stories or more. Anything less will just cause deformities.
Be warned, other zeds may follow you. Zombies have been known to exhibit lemming-like behavior, which could turn your zombicide into a deadly game of follow the leader. To reduce horde fatalities, wait until your fellow zombies are safely out of sight.
Appendix
THE ZOMBIE CODE
In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessors’ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead.
Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service.
I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living.
II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill.
III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation.
IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead.
V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation.
VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances.
VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation.
VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed.
IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence.
X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead.
XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation.
After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath:
I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will.
Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation.
FINAL WORD
A MESSAGE FOR THE LIVING
So, you living bastard, this zombie handbook has found its way into your juicy hands? Think you’ve uncovered the secrets of the walking undead? Think again! The pages of this book have been laced with the z-virus. You’re now enrolled, either through finger-to-nose or finger-to-mouth transference. At this very moment, the virus is incubating in your body. Symptoms will soon begin to show.
There is no known cure. Welcome to the army of the undead. By reading and possessing this book, you have now received the information necessary to wipe out the rest of the human race. Thank you for joining us in one of the greatest conflicts in zed history!
Copyright
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Austin, John, 1978-
So now you’re a zombie : a handbook for the newly undead / John Austin.
p. cm.
1. Zombies—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.Z65A87 2010
818’.607—dc22
2010028750
Cover and interior design: Jonathan Hahn
Illustrations: John Austin
© 2010 by John Austin
All rights reserved
Published by Chicago Review Press, Incorporated
814 North Franklin Street
Chicago, Illinois 60610
ISBN 978-1-56976-342-1
Printed in the United States of America
5 4 3 2 1
Footnote
1
The living are constantly coming up with insulting names for us so scribble additional names you overhear for reference.
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