by Brian James
They don’t scare Alec though. From the way he looks at them, I get the feeling they simply frustrate him.
—Mind if I sit down?— he asks, kicking gently at the empty chair across from where I am. —I won’t bite, I swear. The medicine I’m on makes sure of that. Or, so they tell me.—
This time I know he’s kidding and I nearly laugh except that it seems so out of place in this room. I cover it quietly with a cough instead. He covers his with the sound of the chair’s metal legs scratching over the floorboards.
Once he’s sitting down, he is just as I remember. The bend of his elbow on the table is familiar. So is the way his chin rests in his palm. The bright morning light shining in from the window to touch his face at just the right angle is exactly how it was on the tire swing when the sky changed colors each time we pumped our legs to go higher. The memory sends shivers through me.
—So, how long have you been here?— he asks.
—I’m not really sure— I say. —Sometime after the start of the school year, I know that. Sometimes it feels like a long time ago and other times it seems like it just happened. I lose track of time easily. It’s part of why I’m here, I guess.—
—Consider yourself lucky. I’ve only been here a few days and it drags … so … slow— he says, spacing out his words. —All these stupid tests they’re giving me, it’s like spending three straight days at the dentist, you know what I mean?—
—The tests stop— I say. —I mean, once they know what’s wrong.—
Alec rolls his eyes. —You know what the real problem is?— he says. —Maybe there’s nothing wrong to begin with.—
—They say … that I live in my own thoughts too much— I say, putting it as gently as I can. I’m still not comfortable with the word they use—with saying I’m schizophrenic. I’m not even sure it’s true.
—What does that mean? You daydream?— he asks.
—Sometimes— I say.
—Me too— he says. —Sometimes, I just think up stories and get lost in them. Beats being stuck listening to some teacher talk about algebra.—
—Yeah— I say. —They say I do it too much though … and too often.—
—You know what? I bet if you told them it was because you wanted to be an actress, like every other girl within a hundred miles of L.A., they’d encourage you. The problem is that you’re probably different from those girls and that’s what bothers them. I bet they put you here for the same reason I’m here … because you aren’t exactly like all the other brain-dead teenagers walking through the malls. Am I right?—
I shrug one shoulder and look away.
—I’ve never really been like everybody else— I admit.
—Thank God for that, right!— he says, tapping his fingers on the table in applause. It startles the whispering girl at the next table. She stops mumbling for a second, twists her hair tightly around her finger too, but Alec never looks over at her. His eyes never stray from mine and it’s like we’re the only two people in the world for him. —I mean, why would anyone ever want to be like everybody else? But you see, that’s what places like this are all about. Robot factories. All of the defect models are sent here for new programming until they get everybody thinking the same way and sharing the same opinions. You know what I mean?—
—I’ve never thought about it— I say. —Not like that.—
—Maybe you should start— he says. —They’ll zap away those daydreams of yours, just watch.—
—Do you think they can?— I ask, suddenly alarmed.
—Only if you let them— he says. —They won’t change me though. Know why?—
—Why?—
—Because I know what they’re up to, and like they say, knowing is half the battle.— He pauses then and smiles. —Also, I have superpowers.—
I bite my lip for a second because I know a boy in my group session who believes he can blink people into and out of paintings and he seems crazy to me. But then Alec raises his eyebrows twice and winks. —You’re kidding?— I say, and we both laugh.
—Of course— he says. —But I wish I did. I could straighten some things out in this world if I did, that’s for sure.—
When he’s finished talking, his eyes flash in annoyance as he nods in the direction of the door. I turn my head and see one of the nurses standing there. Her blue scrubs make her look like a crayon. Her white sneakers are like clouds squashed under her. I don’t recognize her. She’s not one of the nurses who come for me. Nurse Abrams says I won’t ever know all of the nurses because they have different units working different shifts to cover the patients who all have very different needs. That was her word. Needs. But I know it’s like so many other words here that are used instead of saying sick.
—Alec? It’s time— the nurse says, and I wish I could wave my hand to make the words vanish.
Alec blows his breath out slow and angry. —Got to go— he says, pushing the chair away as he stands up. —Can’t wait to see what they have lined up for me today. A little shock therapy, maybe? Or worse, they’ll probably just talk me to death like usual.—
—Wait— I whisper desperately because I don’t want him to go. There are so many things I want to ask him.
His hand is still flat on the table and I cover it with my palm.
His skin is warm and mine is ice—they meet with electricity.
He looks at me curiously, but doesn’t pull away. His fingers yield to mine and I squeeze his hand. Our eyes meet and hold their glances. When he smiles, I have all the answers I need. Alec is the same as me—special like me.
The nurse grows impatient and clears her throat. She clicks her fingernails against the open door and calls for him again because everything here runs on a schedule.
Alec takes a sideways step away from me and bows his head slightly. —Nice meeting you, Sabrina— he says, slipping his hand free. —I’ll see you again soon.—
Leaving the room, he half turns and waves at me.
I wave back, but he’s already looking away.
In a few minutes a nurse will come to take me to my meeting with Dr. Richards. Until then, I pull my knees up to my chest, hold them close, and feel different than I’ve ever felt before because Alec really believes me when I say that I’m not crazy.
CHAPTER
TWO
The next time I see Alec, he is sitting in the hallway outside my room. His knees are pulled up into his chest. I can’t see his face because he’s not looking anywhere but at the floor in front of him. But I know it’s him. I’ve memorized the shape of his body.
Amanda is with me. She’s one of the few girls here that I talk to. Or, well, we don’t exactly talk. She’s real quiet and so am I. I guess we just like to be quiet together. We always walk together after our group session because her room is near mine and she doesn’t like to be alone. I don’t know if that makes us friends or not. Things like friendship are harder to understand here.
When I see Alec, I’m happy. There’s something about him that makes me want to talk and sing and be noisy—something about him that makes me feel real, like the person I am in my dreams.
Amanda doesn’t like when things don’t happen exactly the same way every time. The nurses say that’s part of what’s wrong with her.
—What’s that boy doing there?— she asks me.
—It’s okay— I tell her. —That’s Alec. I know him.—
He looks up when he hears my voice and I see him smile. I see his eyes light up behind his hair, shining on me like spotlights. I’m not surprised to see he came for me. He will always come for me. That’s what it means to know each other in a dream before ever being awake. I can’t explain how I know, but I do—like something my heart whispers to me.
—Hey— he says, pushing with his legs so that his back slides up the wall until we are face-to-face. His hands are nervous bundles in front of his pockets until he hides them away and raises his shoulders. —I stole a look at the nurses’ schedules and kind of figured out where your
room was. Hope you don’t mind me waiting here for you. It’s just, you’re kind of the only one here I know … so, I thought maybe …—
I’m grinning as I shake my head. —I don’t mind— I say, feeling my skin turning pink.
Amanda is biting her nails and fidgeting with her hair. When Alec holds his hand out for her, she jumps back a step. —I’m going to go, okay, Sabrina?— she says like she’s asking permission, but she doesn’t even wait for me to say good-bye before slipping around Alec and disappearing into her room three doors away.
—She’s real friendly— Alec says, raising his eyebrows.
—She’s just … shy— I tell him. —She doesn’t know you.—
Alec shuffles his feet. He lowers his head but never takes his eyes off of mine. —I didn’t mean to intrude or anything. Do you want me to go?—
I shake my head. I don’t want to be with anyone but him. As soon as I saw him, it was as if the walls of the hospital evaporated and there was only us.
—Alright, cool. You want to go for a walk or something?— he asks.
I nod. I have free time between now and when I meet with Dr. Richards. —Let’s go outside— I say. —I can show you around.—
—Show me around what?— Alec says. —Is there really anything to see?—
—Sure there is— I say. —There’s the lawn and then behind it are the trees. There’s even a little path so that it’s kind of like being in the woods.—
—That doesn’t seem like much— Alec says, grinning.
—It’s not— I say softly, tracing my lips with my fingers and turning away. —But if you look at it the right way … it’s really kind of perfect. I can’t really explain it.— When I turn back, I’m worried he won’t understand. I’m afraid he’ll look at me with strange eyes the way Kayliegh sometimes does when I say things that are different. He’s not though. The way he stares at me lets me know that he does understand.
—Sounds okay to me— he says. —Let’s make a deal. You show me what you see and I tell you what I see. Deal?—
Once we step into the fresh air, I feel free—better than I’ve felt in a long time. I rush out onto the grass, smiling up at the sky. I don’t look behind me. I know he’s following me.
I run until I reach the little tree that isn’t much more than a sapling. Still, it’s taller than me and I wrap my hand around the skinny trunk, spinning around to face Alec. The tree’s branches reach down and tickle my hair and I laugh just once before letting go to join him on our walk.
I have more energy than I really know what to do with so I start to wrap the string of my sweatshirt hood around my wrist, only to unwrap it and start over again. I keep forgetting he’s new here—that he hasn’t been here the whole time I have and isn’t used to anything yet.
—Have they started your routine yet?— I ask him.
—I guess. I mean, they have me scheduled for things all day— he says. —I still don’t understand the point of any of it though. I don’t belong here, so I don’t know what it’s supposed to do for me. Whatever. It’s all a waste of time.—
—Why?— I ask, because sometimes I wonder the same thing.
—Because there’s nothing wrong with me— Alec says. —You know what it is? Our society is so screwed up, from top to bottom, everything about it, that it’s become impossible to fix. It’s easier to change people and make them fit into something that’s broken. Know what I mean?—
I’ve seen cracks in the sky and people swallowed up inside of them.
I’ve seen computers steal souls a little bit at a time.
—Yeah, I think I do— I say. —I think I know exactly what you mean.—
—And it’s insane, right?— Alec says. —But the worst part about it is that they try to convince us that we’re the defects. We’re not defects. It’s the whole world that’s gone off the rails. We’re just victims of the Modern Age and being in here is our punishment.—
—It’s not so bad— I say. —I don’t mind it here most of the time.—
—But you’d rather not be here, right?— he asks. —I bet you got like a million friends or whatever. I’m sure you’d rather be with them. Unless of course you have the wrong kind of friends and that’s why you’re in a place like this?—
I place the end of my sleeve in my mouth and keep it there for a second before shaking my head. —Not really. I mean, I don’t really have a ton of friends. Not swarms of them anyway.—
—Yeah? Why not?—
—I don’t know— I say. —I have some friends. I never had to walk to class by myself or sit alone at lunch or anything like that. I was just never popular because to be like that you have to be a girl who doesn’t draw fairies on the outside of book covers.—
—Do you really draw fairies on your books?— he asks, and I nod shyly. —Fairies can be kind of wicked and evil. They’re pretty awesome.—
—My friends think they’re for little kids— I say.
—What do they know? They’re probably all into vampires— Alec says, shaking his head. —Isn’t it stupid how one thing can be cool and the other isn’t just because the Pop Culture Police say so? I never did understand that. But I guess that’s why you have to be a bit brain-dead to be popular.—
—Being popular doesn’t matter that much to me— I say.
—Me either— Alec says. —I went to this private school and it’s all these kids from Brentwood or wherever. I didn’t want to be part of that crowd. It’s all about money and name-dropping famous people and getting into the right parties with the right people. I guess being who I am was always more important.—
—That must be why we belong together— I blurt out.
Alec smiles. —You think we belong together?—
—I know it— I say, and then I race ahead a few steps and turn around to face him. When I do, my hands are on my knees and I’m laughing. As I watch him look at me like I’m special, it’s so easy to forget about the way all the kids at school looked at me once their hellos in the hall were replaced with whispers. It was like all of a sudden, nobody could see the bright side of my personality—they only saw my flaws. Alec makes me remember the better parts.
—Sabrina? Will you draw a fairy for me?— he asks.
—I’ll draw you a million things— I answer, smiling.
When his hand touches my arm, I feel like I’m ready to explode. There are fireworks going off inside of me. My eyes sparkle. My heartbeat flutters like a tiny rabbit and I feel as though I never want him to let go. I wonder if this is how Kayliegh feels about Thomas? But it can’t be. Not with him. Not like this. Because when she’s with Thomas, she changes.
When I’m with Alec, I feel like me again.
* * *
—You seem to be doing better today— Dr. Richards says after we’ve been talking for a few minutes. Not about anything interesting, just about things like my day so far and what I had for lunch. She makes the comment about me doing better after I tell her about the tacos. Borrowing something Kayliegh always said, I told Dr. Richards how they looked like rolled-up crap but tasted like a million bucks. Then I laughed and to Dr. Richards that means I’m doing better. —You’re very talkative today.—
Sometimes I don’t feel like talking.
Sometimes I roam around the room quietly as her eyes track my every step, waiting for me to be still or to look in her direction or show any sign that I’m willing to have some sort of conversation. I always know she’s watching and it makes me want to talk even less. When I’m in one of those moods, I usually stay by the shelves of stuffed animals and books meant for the younger kids here. Even if they aren’t supposed to be for me, I’m allowed to pick them up whenever I want. I rarely do. I prefer to just let my fingers slide over the different textures—tracing their sewn-on smiles, brightened by sewn-on eyes.
Sometimes when I don’t feel like talking, Dr. Richards doesn’t care so much. On those days, she just wants me to draw pictures the same way Kayliegh used to. —Just draw for m
e what you saw— she says. Then she looks at the pictures, pointing out things here and there before asking if she can take them with her only to ask me more about them at some other session.
Today is not like any of those days.
I’m sitting across from her—looking at her without trying to hide my face. Today is one of the days I feel like talking. Meeting Alec has made me this way. In the last week, we’ve never been apart unless we had to be. Finding someone who accepts the way I am has made me want to not hide anymore. It’s carried over into my sessions with Dr. Richards. It’s like I want to make her understand about how I see the world even though I’m not sure she can. I guess I’m just getting tired of being alone in the room with her questions all the time. I want to fill it with my own words instead.
—Nurse Abrams tells me you’ve been more social lately. She says she’s seen you with some of the other patients. Have you made many friends?— Dr. Richards asks.
—Some.—
I think about Alec and how we ate breakfast together today.
He had cereal and I had watermelon and we talked about foods we hate. He hates yogurt because he says even saying the name sounds like throwing something up. I told him that I don’t like carrots because their color is too bright and they taste the same as chewing aspirin.
Thinking about him, I feel my cheeks getting redder and I look away. But Dr. Richards never misses anything or any chance for a new question. —Is one of these friends of yours a boy?—
—Maybe— I say, and she grins at me.
—That happens quite a bit around here— she says. Leaning forward in her chair, she acts more like an older sister home from college asking me about a new boyfriend. Not that I have an older sister or anything. It’s just the way I picture it. Probably from some movie I saw once but can’t remember. Or maybe it’s the way Dr. Richards squints to make it look like she’s super interested. Deep down, I think she’s just trying to be like an older sister because she thinks it will get me to open up.