by Brian James
I press my face against the glass in the door.
He’s not in there but I mouth the words I love you anyway because I know the words will wait for him. Then I hurry away to the visitors’ desk where a nurse leads me into a little room with a phone and closes the door.
Kayliegh calls exactly at the time they told her to.
—Hello?— Her voice sounds anxious. —Sabrina? I can’t believe I’m actually getting to talk to you! This is the first time they’ve let me call. I’ve tried calling you the past two days but they said I had to wait. So? How are you?—
—I’m fine.—
—Really? That’s good. I’ve been worried about you. Everyone has— she tells me.
—Who’s everyone?— I ask.
—You know … our friends. Thomas even told me to give you a message— she says, laughing. —But I’m not going to say it. You know how he is.—
—Yeah, I know.— I want to ask why she doesn’t seem to know how poisonous he is, but I don’t. I don’t want to talk about him.
—Sabrina, I need to tell you how sorry I am— Kayliegh says.
—Sorry for what?—
I hear her breath on the other end. I hear the words in her mouth trying to fight their way out. —I think all of this might be my fault— she says. —I think I know how all of those things ended up on your profile. A couple of weeks ago … I was hanging out with Thomas and we were just fooling around online. When he found out I had your password, he wanted to send Scott a message pretending to be you. Just as a joke, you know? And, well, I was kind of mad that you never even gave it a try, so I went along with it. But I swear I didn’t know he was going to tell other people your password. And once things started getting really out of hand, I went to change it … but somebody already had.—
I have nothing to say because none of that matters anymore.
All that matters is getting to the place behind the sky.
She’s trying to make me forget that—trying to convince me that she is real. The medicine flowing through my body makes it hard to keep things straight—makes my brain feel like soggy cereal.
—Are you mad?—
I shake my head and somehow it’s as if she can see me.
—Everyone at school is like so behind you— Kayliegh says. —They all want you to come back. Even Skylar feels so rotten about what she did. She even confessed to Mr. Harris about the video. They took the suspension off your record. That was pretty cool of her to do that.—
—You talk to her?—
—Yeah, she’s not so bad. I mean, what she did was terrible. But she didn’t know that you were having problems. None of us really knew.— There is a pause on both ends of the phone. Then Kayliegh clears her throat and says —I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend. If I’d known there was something this serious wrong with you …—
—There’s nothing wrong with me— I say. —Why does everyone think there’s something wrong?—
—Because there is … isn’t there?—
—No. I just see things differently … that’s all. You used to like that about me— I say, wishing maybe I never agreed to take the phone call.
—I didn’t mean it that way— Kayliegh says. —Don’t be mad at me, please. I just want to help you. You’re my best friend.—
—I don’t need any help— I say. —I needed you to believe me instead of Thomas and Skylar and anybody else like them!—
Before she can say anything else, I hang up the phone. I don’t care what she has to say to me anymore. I don’t need her. I have Alec now. He’ll never betray me—not like she did.
There is a nurse waiting for me outside the door.
—How did it go?— she asks.
—Fine— I lie. —I want to go back to my room now. Is that okay?—
—Sure— she says, but she makes me wait for another nurse to walk with me because they were listening and something I said has made them worry about me all over again.
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
It’s dark when the door to my hospital room opens. A thin band of light invades through the crack, illuminating the shadowy corners. My eyes become alert as footsteps cause an eclipse.
The outline of a person appears in the doorway—backlit like an angel. The figure’s head turns to the side and searches the hallways like a child looking both ways before crossing the street.
I hold my breath.
Nurses visit me constantly. They come as often as circus clowns emerging from a tiny car. Bringing medicine after medicine, they fill me with an entire diet of pills in small white cups. I haven’t been able to avoid taking them. Now there’s so much medicine inside of me that I’m melting away like ice on a summer street.
I dread the nurses’ visits. But this is not a nurse slipping into my room and letting the latch lock behind them. Nurses never lock themselves in with me. Nurses enter with marching steps and the flick of electricity to fill the room. Their noise is as loud as an alarm—not the soft padded sound approaching me.
My eyes are adjusting to the dim haze from the security light in the parking lot outside. I watch the strange figure moving toward my bed. My breathing is fast and shallow, seeing a shadow hand press to its shadow face. —Shhhh.—
Just by that simple sound, I know it’s Alec.
The springs on the bed squeak as he crawls over my legs to rest on top of me. With his face near mine, I can see him clearly. I trace the small slope of his nose that gets wider at the bottom, connect the freckles under his eyes with imaginary lines, and run my finger over the shape of his lips. Even with only the little bit of light, his feline eyes glow.
—I was so scared … I mean, I didn’t know if …— I start to tell him how worried I was and how I’ve missed him to the point of suffocating, but before I get the words to come out right, he covers my mouth with his because he knows. It’s only been two days since we’ve been together but it feels like lifetimes. It feels the same for him too. I can tell by the way he breathes into me all of the things he’s held inside since they brought us back.
Every last inch of me begs for him. I reach under his body and help to pull his shirt over his head. He helps me do the same.
Our clothes make sparks of static electricity in the dark as they fall to the floor.
The feel of his skin pressed against mine makes me feel alive. Blood rushes through my body. I feel real again as I dig my fingernails into his back—gripping him so tightly he flinches because I don’t want him to leave me alone ever again.
As we kiss, Alec keeps pausing to glance over at the door. —I’m worried someone will come— he says. —I don’t think anybody saw me, but you never know.—
His hair is sweaty and sticking to his forehead. I wipe it away from his eyes and make him look at me. —They won’t— I say because it doesn’t matter that they have cameras everywhere—cameras can’t see us where we’re going. —We’re safe here.—
—How can you be sure?—
—Because … when you got on the bed, we went someplace else. Didn’t you feel how we floated away? Like being on a boat and drifting into the ocean but that the ocean was made of stars instead of water?—
I place both of his hands over my heart. It’s the only way I know how to explain. Our hearts begin to beat in the same rhythm and he smiles.
—Yeah, I guess I did feel something like that.—
—Of course you did— I say, —because we’re connected.—
He kisses me again. This time he doesn’t look anywhere but at me. The blankets drop to the floor next to our clothes as we both bend and stretch, pressing against each other until we are out of breath. Then Alec collapses in my arms and we lie like branches of a tree that have grown around each other. I run my hand through his hair and see little sparks like fireflies dance around him. For the first time since we’ve been locked apart, I’m calm.
In the quiet that follows, Alec nestles his face into my neck. —I really wish I saw things the way you do— he sa
ys. —You’re lucky. I hate almost everything I see, but you can see the beautiful part of everything.—
I turn my head toward him.
The light rests on his body like water.
—You’re the only one who thinks so— I tell him.
—Yeah, well it’s clear to me that it’s everyone else who’s mental— he says with a deep exhale. —I tried telling that to the doctors here today and you should’ve seen the look on their faces. I swear I’ll really go crazy if I stay in this place.—
Sitting up, I pull my knees under me and place my hands on his chest. I begin to trace a picture on his skin with my fingers. I make a circle for the sun and so many rays shining from it.
—Once we pass through the sun, all of this will go away. The grass will take over. It will turn all the roads to fields and all the houses into nothing. It’ll just be you and me then. Just like heaven and we’ll be free like deer running through a forest.— Alec has his eyes closed as I describe it to him. Every time he breathes, I’m sure the picture is clearer in his mind. My fingers dance on his skin, showing him how we’ll leap and run and swim under a sky that changes colors with however we feel at the time. —Nobody believes me, but you know that it’s real, don’t you?—
—Of course— he says, and then his eyes open. —I see it every time I look at you. It’s just that it seems so impossible.—
—It’s not.— I pull out the last drawing I made from my desk. It’s the last one in the sequence I’ve been working on all day. It is of me and Alec on the beach—the place where we leave the world behind.
—That looks like the beach in Santa Monica— Alec says.
—That’s where it is— I say. —Remember the Ferris wheel? You told me about it and we said that’s where our private world would begin?—
—Yeah, I remember— he says. —God, I’d give anything for you and me to be laying in the sand there right now instead of here.—
—Me too— I say. —If we could just get there … I know everything would be okay. But I’m scared we won’t.—
Alec pets me, kissing my shoulder. —Why are you afraid?—
—Because … I think they’re changing me— I say. —Sometimes, it’s like I don’t even remember who I was before and I think they want me to forget all about it. Also … I’m scared maybe they will take you away.—
Alec wipes the red corners of my eyes, brings his fingers along my cheek before bringing his palm to rest on my naked leg. —They’re not taking me away. Don’t worry about that— he promises. —I’ll always find a way to get back to you. I’ll do whatever … I don’t care. I’d kill them if they tried to keep us apart.— A fierceness flares up in his eyes and I know he’s telling the truth. I know nothing will ever be able to stop him from being with me. And I think about what that girl said about Alec being bad and I realize she didn’t understand there’s a difference when a person does things that are bad for a good reason.
I lie down next to him, curling my body against the shape of his. I feel safe being so close to him. And when we close our eyes, I can tell we’re going to make it—we’ll survive when the rest of the world ends. Even if it’s a long way to wherever we belong, we’re going to get there soon. I already feel the future moving toward us like a nuclear wind, blowing closer with each passing heartbeat.
* * *
The door opens and a nurse enters my room. As soon as our eyes meet, she retreats. She is going to take him away.
Alec is asleep but wakes when I stir. —They’re coming— I whisper.
Time stands still while we’re together. Outside the window, leaves hang suspended above the ground. Trees bent by the wind stay bent. For those short minutes, we are immortal—out of the reach of time. But time has a way of speeding forward. It rushes at us like a car running a red light to collide with our bodies at rest.
We both hear the guards charging toward my room and Alec holds my hand. —It’s okay— he says when I start to shiver in his arms. —Whatever happens, just remember it’s only temporary. Think about us on the beach and know that it’s going to happen. Okay?—
—Okay.—
Nobody gives us a chance to explain why he’s in my room and how we need each other. Not the guards who take Alec by the arms and drag him from my bed. Not the nurse who gently holds me back.
The world spins so fast in those minutes.
I’m paralyzed by its force.
Nurse Abrams enters with two other women in blue scrubs. She drapes a blanket over my naked body and asks me questions. I can’t understand what she’s asking though because there is a rush of noise inside my head blurring her words together.
—Better call Dr. Richards— Nurse Abrams tells one of the other nurses. —She’s going to want to contact Sabrina’s parents right away.—
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
After we meet with Mr. Harris, I want to go straight to my room but my parents say we need to talk. They make me sit at the kitchen table with them. They want to go over everything Mr. Harris has told them. —I don’t think you understand how serious this is— my dad says, staring at his computer on the table between us. Every time he catches a glimpse of me on the screen, he shakes his head.
—Did somebody put you up to this?— my mom asks.
—Was it some boy?— My dad’s fists rest on the table like hammers. Having someone to blame matters more than anything to him—even if it ends up being me.
—Nobody made me do anything— I say softly.
—Why then? Why would you do this?— My mom’s face is strained and exhausted. I want to tell her she should make some coffee but it doesn’t seem appropriate. —I don’t understand. This isn’t like you.—
—I didn’t— I say. I point at the girl twirling around. —I didn’t do that. That’s not really what happened. It was … different.—
My dad breathes out through his nose like an angry animal. —I don’t care, we’re deleting this … now.— He wants me to log in and make it all go away, but I can’t. The password doesn’t work and the email address for the account has been changed. My dad is furious all over again.
—I told you … it wasn’t me— I say.
My dad is already on the phone with the customer service number listed at the bottom of the site—pacing through the kitchen and muttering under his breath. —I’m going to make them take it down one way or the other.—
My mom is scrolling through the comments. After each one she reads, she makes a sound like she’s been stabbed. —I can’t believe some of these things … who would do this? Does this have anything to do with what your principal told us … about the kids at school giving you a hard time?—
I shrug.
—Sabrina … why didn’t you tell us?— my mom says. —You didn’t say anything about having trouble at school. Is that why your grades have been slipping too?—
—No— is all I’ll say because I can’t tell them any more than that. I can’t tell them about the invisible vultures I see or the noises that I hear moving through the walls. If I do, they will make me see more doctors. I don’t need doctors. Doctors make it worse.
—That still doesn’t explain the video or what you were doing walking around topless at school— my dad hollers. —I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Do you have any idea how many creeps are out there watching this?—
—Honey, I don’t think losing your temper is going to help— my mom says. —It’s pretty obvious Sabrina didn’t upload it here … she can’t even log into the page.—
—Exactly— my dad argues. Then he turns to me. He’s still on hold and waves the phone at me. —This is exactly why we didn’t want you going on these sites in the first place. Things like this can happen and the next thing you know, it’s you who gets suspended from school. Don’t you get it? A suspension like this is severe. This goes on your college transcript. I have no idea how we’ll even begin to explain this.—
They gave me a seven-day suspension for violating the school�
��s decency policy. My parents tried to convince Mr. Harris that I’m sick but he told them that he had no choice since I refused to help find the culprits. As a compromise, he agreed not to contact the police about the video even though he claimed he should since I am underage.
—It doesn’t matter— I mumble, and my dad’s temper gauge dials up another notch.
—What did you say?—
—I said it doesn’t matter!— I raise my voice even though they never listen to me no matter how loud I talk. —None of that is going to happen. The storm will be here before then. It’s going to make everything go away!—
My dad puts his face into his hands and wipes away his rage as best he can. He and my mother pass looks back and forth to each other and when he speaks next, his voice is calmer. —Sabrina … what storm?— I can tell he’s afraid of my answer by the way he chokes on the words as if they were smoke.
—The one that’s everywhere— I tell them. —In the sky, in the air, the ocean … everywhere.—
My dad hangs up the phone and my mom tells me I can go upstairs if I want. —Your father and I need to talk about something— she says. —It’s okay. We’re not mad anymore.—
I run away from the kitchen and up to my room. I fall onto my bed and fold my arms over my stomach. I stay perfectly still waiting for a dream to come—waiting for release and wondering why I’m the only person who sees the world closing its eyes and drifting off into a nightmare.
But it’s no use. The static has found a way into my room.
I press my palms to the walls and the wood breathes with the effort of something trying to get in. I tear at the pictures wallpapering my room—pages taken from magazines or paintings I’ve made. Under all of them, the static is hiding.
I know what to do by instinct. I take the markers from my desk drawer. My hands work fast and feverish to cover every inch of wall that I’ve cleared of posters now spread out in tatters over my floor. I draw with both hands trying to match the scribbles I’ve seen on the sky—making larger and darker circles that spiral out from the center.