“And her mom?”
“She drank like Ronnie does. Nothing at all for weeks, then she’d binge.” Joelle shook her head. “Ronnie never talked about it, but I remember going over to her place after school one day. Her mom was completely out of it, stumbling around the house and shouting at Ronnie, trying to hit her, calling her really foul names. We were fourteen, I guess. It was awful.”
“It sounds like it.” Lately, I’d been giving my parents a hard time about their daily happy hour, but my objections seemed kind of petty now. Sure, it was annoying that they thought a daily drink was fine while Koli’s smoking pot was apparently the end of the world—but to be fair, I’d never seen either of them have more than two drinks. I’d never seen them drunk.
“Yeah. My mom said Ronnie could stay with us anytime. Ronnie was mad that I had told, but after that she did stay with us a lot.” Joelle shrugged. “Then when we were sixteen, Ronnie’s dad got transferred and they moved to Seattle. I think things with her family went downhill after that.”
“Didn’t sound like it could get much worse,” I said.
“No kidding.” Joelle leaned toward me. “Zach’s out cold. You want to put him down on my bed?”
I nodded, stood up with him in my arms and carried him into her room. Joelle pushed the covers to one side and I put Zach down in the middle of her bed, with pillows on both sides so he wouldn’t roll off. His eyelashes were dark spiky lines against his flushed cheeks. He looked perfect. Everything was still possible for him, I thought, if only the adults in his life didn’t screw it all up.
“He’s pretty sweet,” Joelle said.
“Yeah. Especially when he’s sleeping.” I followed Joelle back out to the living room, still thinking about what she had said. “So if Max shows up, we just give Zach to him?”
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, Ronnie’s not here, is she? And I can’t look after her kid. Besides, Max has custody. Did Ronnie tell you that?”
“No. Max did though.”
“I couldn’t have ratted on Ronnie to him, but honestly, Theo, this is probably a good thing. He’s a lot more stable than she is. I mean, she’s a good mom in lots of ways, and she adores Zach, but if she keeps coming apart like this, how can she take care of a kid?”
“Yeah. I get it.”
She yawned. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to crash. I’m going to join Zach, okay? Wake me up if...well, if Ronnie shows up, I guess.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what to hope for. I couldn’t imagine just handing Zach over to his dad without even talking to Ronnie, but on the other hand, how was I going to tell her what I had done?
I flopped back into the armchair and closed my eyes. My whole body ached with tiredness. I’d slept last night, but not well, and I’d been up driving right through the night before. Still, it wasn’t the lack of sleep that was making me feel like I’d been hit by a truck. It was Ronnie.
How could I be so crazy about her and so angry with her at the same time? And how could she be so perfect and such a mess? I found myself remembering what she’d said as we drove into LA, something about polluted cities having the best sunrises. She was kind of like this city, in a way. So much glamour and gorgeousness, yet, underneath it, so much desperation.
I should call my parents, I thought tiredly. Let them know I wouldn’t be getting on the bus this morning. They’d argue, but I wasn’t too worried about that. My problems with my parents felt so distant from the mess I was dealing with here—and so trivial compared to what Ronnie had run away from. When I got home, things would be different. Darrell was right—I couldn’t change them, so I’d just have to learn not to take it all so personally. The way forward didn’t seem half as complicated as the miles behind us. After all, there were worse things than having your parents worry about you.
I yawned so widely that my jaw cracked. In a minute, I’d call. In a minute...
Chapter Thirteen
I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, the living-room door slammed and then Ronnie was standing in front of me, her dark hair wild and uncombed, her mascara smudged under her eyes. “Where’s Zach? Is he okay?”
I struggled to get up. “Fine. He’s asleep in Joelle’s room.” I caught her arm. “Don’t go in there. Joelle’s sleeping too. Besides, we need to talk.”
“I know.” A tear traced a pale path through her ruined makeup. “I’m so sorry, Theo. I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone so long. Honestly, I was only going to take a little break. But...”
“But then you started drinking.” If I’d had any doubts, they were gone now. I could hear the slur in her speech. I could smell the booze and the cigarettes on her breath.
“I’m sorry.” She gave a hiccupping kind of sob. “I’m such a goddamn mess, Theo.”
I had to tell her that Max was on his way. She was going to hate me, but I had to tell her. “You didn’t drive home, did you?”
She shook her head. “I left the car somewhere. Took a cab home. Cost me twenty bucks.”
“Well, that was a good decision anyway.”
“I’m not a total idiot, you know.”
“I don’t think you’re an idiot at all,” I said. “You’re just unhappy.” I studied her face—her blue eyes, so like Zach’s with their thick fringe of lashes, her straight dark eyebrows, the soft curve of her cheeks. I swallowed hard, and my throat ached with the effort of holding back my own tears. “I...uh...Ronnie, you know I really care about you. I wish I could fix things for you.”
“You can’t,” she said. “No one can.” She started to cry for real, and I held out my arms. She leaned against me, her head on my shoulder. I rested my chin on the top of her head and stroked her hair. “I’ve messed everything up,” she whispered. “I always do.”
I had to tell her. It’d be awful if Max just arrived and she didn’t know. “Ronnie,” I said. “Please don’t hate me. But...well, when you didn’t come home, I looked at the messages on your phone. I talked to Max.”
I felt her whole body go still, as if she had stopped even breathing. Then she let out a long shuddering gasp. “So you know then. You know what I did.”
“I know Max has custody of Zach. Yeah.”
“Is he coming to get him?” She pulled back, looked at me and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “He is, isn’t he?”
I nodded. “Ronnie, you have to talk to him.”
“He’ll be furious,” she said. “He’ll hate me.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” I said. “I could tell. He was upset and worried, but he definitely doesn’t hate you.”
“He should then,” Ronnie said.
“I hate myself.”
She was standing right in front of me, but I felt like there was a thick glass wall between us, like nothing I said would reach her. “Don’t say that, Ronnie.”
“It’s the truth.”
I hesitated, not wanting to say anything that would make her feel worse. “Look, Joelle told me a bit about your family. It sounds like you’ve had some lousy stuff to deal with. So don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I used to be so sure I’d never be like them,” she said. “I didn’t drink at all when I was pregnant, you know. Not once. And when Zach was born, I promised him I’d be such a good mother.”
I wanted to tell her she was a good mother, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. “You love him,” I said instead. “That’s why you did this, right?”
“Of course I love him,” she said. “But that’s not enough, is it? Anyway, that’s not really why I took him. Or not the whole reason anyway.”
“So why did you do it then?”
She sighed. “I just thought...I thought if I had him with me, I wouldn’t keep doing this shit. Drinking, I mean. I thought I could do it for him, you know?”
“Maybe you should get some help,” I said. “Go to an AA meeting, or talk to a counselor or something.”
She folded her arms across her chest, her hands gripping her shoulders so tigh
tly, her knuckles were turning white— like she was literally trying to hold herself together. “I’ll figure it out,” she said.
“You don’t have to do it on your own, you know.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”
Ultimately, I guessed, that was true. No one could do it for her. Still, she had friends. “Listen, Joelle told me to wake her if you came back.”
“No, let her sleep. I want to see Zach though.” She disappeared into Joelle’s bedroom and came back a minute later with Zach, still fast asleep, in her arms.
“Here, sit down.” I gestured to the chair. It had just occurred to me that Ronnie could take off again, taking Zach with her, and how would I stop her? Ronnie sat down and settled Zach on her lap, his head against her chest. “I’ll miss him so much,” she said, stroking his hair. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“You can still see him on weekends, right?”
“After this? Who knows.”
“Talk to Max,” I said. “Seriously. I could tell he still cares about you.”
“I don’t deserve it,” she said.
“Yeah, Ronnie. You do. You deserve way more than you’ve had.” My voice cracked. “I care about you too.”
She gave me a smile. Then, to my surprise, she laughed. “But that’s Luke’s line, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about? Luke who?”
“Skywalker, goof. Leia says, I wonder if Han really cares about anyone. And Luke says, I care.”
I stared at her. “I can’t believe you remember that.”
“Come on, you made me act out that whole movie about a million times. It’s permanently carved into my memory.”
“Wow.” I shook my head. “Well, for what it’s worth, I do care.”
“You’re a good kid, Theo.”
I shook my head. “I’m not a kid anymore, Ronnie.”
“I know you’re not.” She stood up. “Take Zach, okay? I’m not going to wait for Max. Would you look after Zach until he gets here?”
“But—”
“Please?”
I took Zach from her. For some reason, the warmth of his body and the weight of him in my arms made me want to cry. “Ronnie, are you sure?”
“I need to do this on my own.” She met my eyes. “Tell Joelle thanks. I left her spare key on her bedside table. And tell Max I’m sorry. Tell him...tell him I’m taking some time to myself. To sort myself out, you know?”
“You could do that in Seattle,” I said. “And that way you could still see Zach on the weekends.”
“I can’t do it in Seattle,” she said. “I already tried doing it in Seattle. That’s why I came here.”
“Yeah, but that didn’t work, did it? Maybe it wasn’t Seattle that was the problem.” Zach stirred in my arms, and I lowered my voice. “Look, I was running away from problems too. That’s why I came here with you. But I think...well, maybe you need to stop running. Face the music.” I winced. “Sorry. Face the music. That’s something my mom’s always saying. I can’t believe I just said it.”
“Well, maybe your mom’s right. But I don’t think I can do it.” Ronnie stood up. “Thanks for everything, Theo.”
“Don’t go.” I stood there, holding her child, while Ronnie turned and walked out the door.
Then I sank down into the armchair.
I’d failed.
Ronnie was still running away, looking for a city or a place or a person who would make everything okay—and I was going to have to explain it all to Max. I hoped I could persuade him not to pursue any kind of legal action, at least.
I had a feeling he wouldn’t want to, once he had Zach safely home again.
I looked down at Zach. The apartment was hot. His hair was damp and sticking to his forehead, and his cheeks were flushed. I thought of Ronnie promising him she’d be a good mother, and I couldn’t help wondering if her own mother had ever made that same promise. Whether she had or not, she’d done a lot of damage.
I knew Ronnie loved Zach, but sometimes love and good intentions just weren’t enough. I didn’t think she’d be able to fix anything if she couldn’t stay in one place and face what was wrong.
Time passed. Half an hour. An hour. I wondered when Zach would wake up. I wondered when Max would arrive. I thought about my parents, and how things were going to be different from here on in, and—
A knock at the front door sent a jolt of adrenaline flooding through me. Max. I stood, carried Zach across the room and opened the door.
And there was Ronnie.
“You came back,” I said.
“I was waiting at the bus stop, and the bus came and, well, I just didn’t get on it.” She lifted her chin and gave me a smile that just about broke my heart. It was so brave and so...well, so Ronnie. “You’re right,” she said. “It’s time to stop running.”
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to family and friends who helped me with this book, especially my writing buddy Alex Van Tol for great company and fabulous suggestions. Thanks also to Andrew Wooldridge and the wonderful Orca pod.
About the Author
Robin Stevenson is the author of more than a dozen books for children, teens and young adults. Damage is Robin's fourth book in the Orca Soundings series, following Big Guy, In the Woods and Outback. Her other novels for teens include the Governor General’s Literary Award nominee A Thousand Shades of Blue, as well as Inferno, Out of Order, Escape Velocity and Hummingbird Heart. Robin lives in Victoria, BC. For more information, visit her website: www.robinstevenson.com.
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