by Vicki Tharp
Not a fatal wound, but it sure hurt like hell.
Alex and Ethan headed toward the locker rooms, Elijah straightened and went to follow them, but Alex caught his eye and gave a slight shake of his head.
Alex didn’t want him there.
Was Alex protecting Elijah or pushing him away?
As much as Elijah didn’t want to admit it, there didn’t seem to be any room in Alex’s life for him.
13
A month later, Ethan stood at the head of the weight bench spotting Alex and counting his reps. “Has Gomez had any luck getting clubs interested in you?”
Trevor had an appointment so Alex had invited Ethan to come work out with him. Alex raised his eyes and grunted as he bench-pressed the barbell. Already on his third set, Alex’s chest and triceps burned.
He really didn’t want to talk about the lack of interest by the clubs, so he dropped the bar back to his chest and pushed it up again and repeated until finally Ethan hefted the bar from his outstretched hands and replaced it on the rack.
Ethan leaned on the bar and stared down at Alex flat on his back on the bench. “I’ll take that as a no.”
Alex sat up and shook out his arms as he waited for the sting of the lactic acid to diminish. “After the reporters showed up last month at the complex, they had shot enough video of me pitching to pique some renewed interest.”
“So, maybe the video was a good thing? Got you some exposure you may not have received otherwise.”
Alex picked up his towel and wiped his sweat off the bench. “Maybe. But they’re also spooked. None of the clubs want the kind of press that signing me would bring. That’s not the kind of thing that sells season tickets.”
“You dominating on the mound is what’s going to sell tickets. You win games and your teammates and fans won’t care who the hell you’re sleeping with.”
“I don’t know. To my face, the managers say they don’t have a problem with me having had sex with a man, but the fact no one is willing to make me an offer says otherwise.”
They loaded more weight on the bar for Ethan. When Ethan took Alex’s place on the bench, Alex stepped around to spot him.
“Keep your head down, keep working, keep grinding, it’s gonna pay off. I know it will,” Ethan said.
“That makes one of us.”
“There comes a time in your life when you have to realize that baseball isn’t everything. At least you have Elijah.”
Says the man still playing professional baseball.
When Alex made a face, Ethan pushed the bar onto the rack and sat up. “I thought it was going well with you two.”
Alex made a motion with his hand telling Ethan to get back to his workout. “It was—is,” Alex corrected.
Ethan finished his first set of reps and Alex helped him guide the bar onto the rack. Ethan sat up again and leveled a gaze at him. One of those get real looks he’d shoot at the batters when they crowded the back of the box. “Is or was? Which one is it?”
“If you don’t shut your trap, we’re never going to get out of here today.”
Ethan laid back down and grabbed hold of the bar, but before he lifted the barbell, he said, “Talk.”
“Forget it,” Alex said. “Guys like you wouldn’t really understand.”
“Guys like me?” Ethan pushed a lot of weight, and he had to talk between each rep. His arms began to shake under the strain, but he kept going.
“Straight guys,” Alex clarified.
Ethan got quiet. He finished that set of reps, rested, then started on another. Alex considered the conversation over. Ethan pushed the barbell up one last time, and Alex helped set it on the rack. Exertion reddened Ethan’s face, and a vessel throbbed at his temple.
Ethan reached for his towel and wiped the sweat from his face. “Maybe I know more about what you’re talking about than you think.”
Alex paused with his water bottle halfway to his mouth, his head thrown back as his eyes shifted to Ethan. “What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying I understand what you’re going through.” Ethan rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and glanced around the gym. There were a few women on the treadmills. A couple of bodybuilder dudes in the corner by the dumbbells, but everyone had earbuds in, and no one was paying them a bit of attention. “What I’m saying is: I’m gay.”
Water went down Alex’s trachea, and he coughed and sputtered sending water all over the mats at his feet. “What the fuck?”
Ethan had a self-deprecating grin on his face. “Surprise.”
“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?”
“It’s not something I tell people. Ever.” Ethan’s eyes nearly went lethal. Alex had never seen him that serious, even with need-to-win games on the line. “And I mean, ever.”
Alex raised his hands in surrender. “Hey, man, no one is going to hear that shit from me.” Alex pointed to the bench. “You going to finish your last set?”
Ethan shook his head. “Naw, I think I’m done here.” He sounded lost. Almost defeated. This from the man who’d been called up at the end of the season and would be playing in the majors the next year. What did Ethan have to be dejected about? His professional career was taking off.
They gathered their towels and their water bottles and headed for the showers. Alex couldn’t believe the bomb Ethan had dropped on him.
“So how do you balance who you are with the game? You’ve flown completely under the radar. No one knows. No one suspects. How did you manage that?”
“It’s called discretion. Something you seem to be unfamiliar with,” Ethan said with a laugh.
“So, what? You got some guy chained in a sex sling in your apartment that no one knows about? Someone who only comes out under cover of darkness to fuck and suck, like some kind of gay vampire?”
By the scale, Ethan stopped and glanced around again. They were alone. It would be another hour at least before the after-work crowd started stumbling in. “It’s not like that.”
Ethan had a reputation for positivity. A positivity that seemed to drain from his body in front of Alex’s eyes.
“You don’t have anybody in your life.” It wasn’t a question. Alex could read it in the slump of Ethan’s shoulders and the way he wouldn’t meet Alex’ gaze.
“Not really.”
Something in the way Ethan said those two words piqued Alex’s interest. “But you have your eye on somebody.” The way Ethan glanced up at him, defeat in his eyes, Alex knew he was right. “A teammate?”
“No.” Ethan glanced away. “It’s stupid, really. Nothing can come of it.”
“A coach?”
Ethan turned his back and headed for the locker room again. Alex had to jog to keep up. “What do you do?” Alex really wasn’t trying to pry. He was trying to understand.
No way Ethan went through life celibate. They’d been teammates for chrissake. They’d shared rooms on the road together. Hell, he’d covered for Ethan many times when he hadn’t made it back to the room until right before the team loaded up on the team buses.
“Anonymous hookups?”
Ethan shushed him as he shouldered his way into the locker room. When they found the locker room empty, Ethan said, “I used the apps, mostly. Until some dude recognized me. After that, it wasn’t worth the risk.”
“Then what did you do?”
“I hired escorts.”
Ethan could have said anything, and it wouldn’t have surprised Alex as much as his real answer. “You pay people for sex?”
Ethan laughed at that and patted Alex on the back. “I don’t pay them to fuck me. I pay them for their discretion and to leave once we’re done. But this isn’t about me. I just... I just wanted you to know that I understand. I’d give my left nut to have what you and Elijah have.”
“You don’t have to give up one of your balls,” Alex said, “apparently it’s only your career you have to sacrifice.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll let you blaze that trail, I’m no
t ready to do that yet.”
They both stripped and showered off, remaining quiet as they dressed and packed their dirty clothes into their gym bags. Ethan had taken a huge risk coming out to him, and Alex now felt obliged to set the record straight about him and Elijah.
“I don’t think you want what Elijah and I have,” Alex said. Ethan shot him a cursory look as he closed his locker and spun the dial. “I mean, he’s great. He’s thoughtful, he’s giving, he’s funny, and the sex... The sex is off the charts. And honestly, I could really see building a life with him. But every time I think we’re getting closer, I feel him pulling away.”
“Come to think of it, maybe I don’t want what you have.”
This should be good.
Alex crossed his arms over his chest.
“I had a friend once tell me that relationships can’t bloom without light. The closet is an ugly, dark place to live your life. Take it from someone who knows. Elijah must really love you if he’s willing to put up with you treating him the way you do.”
Alex put a hand to the center of Ethan’s chest and shoved him back into the lockers with a bang. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ethan glanced down at Alex’s hand then back up again. Anger didn’t flood Ethan’s gaze, just pity. Which pissed Alex off even more.
“You don’t know anything about our relationship.”
“I know that you’ve barely acknowledged he exists. I know when you’re out at the bar with your friends, you treat him like a buddy, not someone you take to your bed. I know you two sneak around, meet in hotel rooms as if what you’re doing is wrong.”
“Says the guy paying for escorts.”
“Says the guy not in a relationship. Says the guy not leading some poor schmuck around on a leash promising something he can’t deliver. Tell me, Einstein, how long do you think Elijah’s going to put up with your bullshit?”
“Why are you taking this so personally?”
It was Ethan’s turn to shove Alex into the lockers, his wide hand landed like a battering ram to Alex’s chest. “Because Elijah is a great guy, and you’re fucking up a good thing.”
Alex knocked Ethan’s hand away. “That’s not really any of your business.”
“You’re a fucking piece of work, man.”
Ethan blew out a breath and rolled his eyes. The tension dropped from Ethan’s shoulders, and the anger drained from his face. Ethan was the type of guy who exploded, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who held grudges. As soon as the dust cleared, he went on like nothing ever happened.
They shouldered their gym bags and headed for their vehicles as the parking lot started filling up. Ethan beeped his car unlocked and tossed his gym bag in the back seat. “I’ll see you at The Night Owl tonight?”
Alex tossed his own bag into the trunk of his car. “I haven’t decided.”
The words Ethan had spoken not five minutes before echoed in his head. How long is Elijah going to put up with your bullshit?
“It’s a celebration for Elijah, and you don’t know if you’re going?” Ethan couldn’t hide the exasperation in his voice. Then again, maybe he hadn’t tried. “Dude, you’re such a dick. Hopefully, Elijah is smart enough to come to his senses and dump your sorry ass.”
“Is Alex coming?” Demetri asked as he poured Elijah a glass of beer from the pitcher in the center of the table.
They were at The Night Owl bar, one street off campus, celebrating the contract Elijah had signed to become a brand ambassador for King Dong. The money had come when Elijah had been contemplating giving up his apartment and moving in with a friend and sleeping on their couch.
Elijah glanced at his watch. It was almost nine o’clock. Almost everyone else he’d invited had arrived already. Almost everyone, except Alex. Elijah’s chest felt hollowed, as if Alex had reached in and scooped out his heart. As much as he wanted a relationship with Alex, as good as it was when they were together, he couldn’t go on like this. It hurt too damn much.
“He probably had a pitching session that ran late,” Demetri said.
Maybe. Elijah had learned he couldn’t always count on Alex to show up in public at the same place he’d be. Elijah had his friends there—Demetri, Shannon from the life drawing class, guys from his rec baseball team, even Trevor was there.
The door to the bar opened, and all heads at their table turned. Ethan walked in and Elijah got his hopes up. But the door behind Ethan closed without Alex slipping in behind him.
Don’t ask about Alex. Don’t ask about Alex. Don’t ask about Alex.
Elijah stood as Ethan approached the table and stuck out his hand. “Hey, man, glad you could make it.”
Ethan pulled him in for a one-arm hug and a slap on the back. “Congrats, man. Thanks for the invite.”
Ethan had a stiff, forced smile on his face, as he glanced around and noticed Alex wasn’t there. Elijah pushed out his own synthetic smile, the effort monumental. He’d give Alex another fifteen minutes. Twenty tops. And if he didn’t show by then…
Ethan helped himself to the beer, turned a chair around, and sat, striking up a conversation with one of the guys from Elijah’s team who usually played catcher. They started talking about pitch counts and pitch selection, and Elijah’s attention drifted.
Shannon had commandeered the seat beside him, her tongue darting out and licking salt from the rim of her margarita glass before she took a sip.
She had a thing for him and she hadn’t been shy about letting him know. As the night wore on, and the fifteen minutes turn to twenty, twenty turned to sixty, and Alex hadn’t shown up, Ethan started to wonder why he shouldn’t take Shannon up on what she had offered on more than one occasion.
After all, Alex had been clear he couldn’t make Elijah any promises. Elijah was a patient man, but he wasn’t a doormat.
That late on a Friday night in a college town bar, it was almost impossible to hear over the laughing and the raised voices and the music pumping out of the speakers. He had to lean in when Shannon said, “I thought you were going to show us the pictures from your King Dong photo shoot.”
No one else had asked to see the photos, and he hadn’t been too keen on flashing them around, but Demetri and Shannon were different. They’d seen him naked for hours on end. He had zero to hide. Elijah pulled out his phone as Demetri and Shannon leaned in.
Shannon scooted her chair closer and looped an arm through his, her breast smooshing up against his triceps. He had to ease a hand down and adjust himself in his jeans. She really was a beautiful woman. Sweet, considerate, the type of woman any man would be happy to take to their bed.
Why shouldn’t Elijah take her to his?
He could use a little sex, a little connection, without the self-recrimination, the shame of letting someone treat him as less than the way Alex sometimes did. He’d told Alex he would give him some time to sort their relationship with respect to Alex’s career, but in the time that he’d given Alex, Elijah had done all the giving, and frankly, he had nothing left to offer a relationship that he couldn’t see going anywhere.
Elijah thumbed to the folder of photos the King Dong photographer had sent him and slowly shuffled through them for Demetri and Shannon to see.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Shannon said, “I love the way you look when you’re completely nude.” She should know. She’d been staring at his junk all semester. “But there’s something totally hot about seeing you in these jockstraps. What do you think, Demetri?”
“They’re fucking hot.” Demetri’s voice came out thick, but ever since that first time Elijah had turned down Demetri’s offer, Demetri had been man enough to take no for an answer and hadn’t pushed their friendship boundary. “The lighting really emphasizes your muscles and highlights the veins in your arms.”
Elijah flipped to another picture, and Shannon took the phone from his hands and pinched the screen, enlarging the photo. “Holy moly.” His crotch filled the screen of his smartphone. “Did they have you—” Shanno
n made a jacking-off motion with her hand.
Elijah laughed. He loved a woman who wasn’t afraid to say what was in her head, no matter how inappropriate. And it made him wonder again what it would be like to take her to his bed.
Before he could answer, a hand came down on his shoulder. He knew who that hand belonged to even before he scooted his chair back and glanced up at its owner.
“Can I talk to you a minute?” Alex bobbed his chin toward the back hallway where they would have a modicum of privacy. It almost pissed Elijah off more that Alex had come to his party late than if he hadn’t come at all. With the mood Elijah was in, all he wanted to say was fuck off.
Elijah took Shannon’s hand and stood. “It’ll have to wait. We were headed to the bar to get a couple more pitchers of beer. Weren’t we?” Elijah gave Shannon’s hand a please-play-along squeeze.
“Yeah. We’ll be right back.” Shannon tugged on his hand and led him toward the bar.
They edged in between a couple of people and Elijah raised his hand to the bartender and held up two fingers. The bartender acknowledged him with a nod.
“Kiss me.” Shannon eased closer, her body pressed up against his, dropping her hand and resting it on his ass. “You want to make him jealous, don’t you?”
Elijah didn’t dare look back at their table. He knew Alex was staring at him by the way his skin prickled under Alex’s heated gaze. Trying to make Alex jealous was a childish, assholery thing to do, but that didn’t stop Elijah from leaning in and pressing his lips against hers.
Her mouth immediately opened, her tongue darting in. He tasted the salt, the tang from the tequila, and the sweetness of the triple sec. But beneath all of that was a sweetness that was all Shannon.
The crowd around the bar jostled them, but that didn’t keep him from taking the kiss deeper, of running his hands down to the curve of her hip and snugging her up against him.
A few months ago, Shannon’s kisses would have made his dick hard, but something was... off. Her perfume smelled too flowery. Her body felt too soft. Her sighs sounded too high pitched.