by MJ Knight
When she first thought about doing it, the idea made her almost dizzy. Asking a man out on a date with all its attendant expectations would have been unimaginable for Julianne even a year ago. But now the idea pleased and excited her. No matter what else happened, she would have the chance to spend an evening in his company.
The office door opened and she looked up to see Dr. Lange. Behind her stood an unhappy-looking Adrian. “What’s wrong?”
“Julianne, come into the office, will you? You and Adrian and I need to talk.”
As she passed him, Julianne saw Adrian mouth “I’m sorry,” and her gut clenched. What had he done? Worse, what was it they were about to tell her? A million horrible scenarios ran through her mind at the speed of light.
“I understand that the two of you have become friends,” Dr. Lange said. “This presents a bit of a problem in that it could easily represent a conflict of interest for me. Adrian doesn’t believe it will be and has said that he can continue with our sessions without any reference to you. How do you feel about this?”
Julianne wasn’t sure what it was she felt beyond a measure of relief that this was about conflicts of interest and not about being told she had to stop seeing Adrian, had to stop caring about him.
At the same time, while she was happy that Adrian seemed to care enough to say that they were friends, she wasn’t sure she was happy that he could so easily dismiss her, as if her place in his life was so minimal that he knew he’d never be discussing her with the doctor. She tried very hard not to feel defensive.
“About which part?” she asked, not looking at Adrian.
“Do you feel it could prove to be a conflict of interest?”
She had a fast and furious debate with herself and finally said, “No, not at all. It’s just friendship. In terms of my therapy it means very little beyond a step ahead in my being able to interact with the world.” Funny how she hated dismissing him like that, and how emotionally satisfying she found it the same time. “I very much doubt that I would make much reference to him beyond noting, as I did last week, that I had become friendly with him.”
“Was there a reason you didn’t tell me last week who it was?”
“Nothing beyond not thinking of it as important.”
“I see.” Lange shuffled some papers, something she did, Julianne noted, when she was trying to decide what to say. “As long as you both understand that I can absolutely not offer advice or even opinions on anything you might say about each other or your friendship, then I think we can continue on as before.”
“Before we get on with my session,” Julianne said, very pointedly looking at her watch, “Would you give me a moment alone with Adrian?”
“Of course.” Dr. Lange made herself scarce, and Julianne finally turned to Adrian. “What on earth did you say to her?”
He looked confused, unhappy, like she’d just kicked his dog or something. “That we were becoming friends and that I... Every way I think of saying this sounds icky and I so apologize, but I told her that I hoped for more. Please understand that this is just inside my head, I don’t expect anything. I’m sorry if it’s making you uncomfortable.”
She gave him a curious glance. “You did?” She felt suddenly warm inside; it was exciting.
He nodded. “I told Lange that if it didn’t happen I was all right with that because I really like you and enjoy your company. I feel as if I sound like some kind of pervert. I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Because I’ve told you something about my past.” Not all, she hadn’t told him all of it.
“Yes. I think I’m being hypersensitive about it.” He picked at an imaginary piece of lint on his sleeve.
“You’re all right.” She patted his hand in an absent-minded way, vaguely surprised that any touch had begun to seem commonplace and utterly harmless. “We’re fine.”
“Oh good,” he said with obvious relief. “I can’t imagine what you thought when she said she wanted to talk to both of us.”
“Confused mostly.”
“Look, I know you need to get your session in, so may I call you tonight? Maybe we can talk about this, and I’ll apologize a few bazillion more times.”
Julianne laughed. “That sounds like fun,” she told him. “I’ll count the apologies. There’s something I need to ask you anyway.”
“Okay.” He got up and went towards the door, then stopped. “You look beautiful today,” he said, and ducked out of the room.
Julianne’s gut clenched again, but this time it felt surprisingly good.
He thought she was beautiful.
Dr. Lange’s Diary
It’s been a long, strange day. I was prepared to send Adrian to another therapist; I had a list of names ready for him, and he managed to talk me out of it. I’m not sure why I agreed to keep him on, but once I’d spoken to both Adrian and Julianne together, I felt better about my decision, though I still have one reservation. I noted this afternoon that she was wearing makeup, something which I have rarely seen her do. She has occasionally worn a bit of lipstick, but it’s always felt as if she was making an effort to achieve some sort of perceived standard of appearance. Today she looked as if her effort had a point. She seemed comfortable with the way she looked for the first time since I’d known her. I couldn’t help but wonder why, but of course once I’d established boundaries on what could be discussed, I wasn’t able to ask her about these changes outright.
After Adrian left, I waited for a while, then casually mentioned how nice she looked hoping that she would give me a reason. She told me that she had realized that she had been presenting a less-than-confident face to the world, and in effect, had been trying to disappear.
“I’m not doing this to attract anyone,” she said. “I’m doing this so I remain aware of the face I show to the world. It’s like my rubber band, just a trick.”
I was reassured, though it did seem odd to me that this would occur on the heels of her new friendship with Adrian, though I didn’t say as much to her. I’m still not sure of how well these boundaries are going to work for us. However it occurred to me that it’s possible that the two things are working in tandem. Coming to know someone new has made her more aware of the face she presents to him and therefore to the rest of the world. I should like to think this is true. Time will tell.
The rest of our session was very positive. She spoke much more freely about her uncle, about her feelings surrounding the process of bringing him to justice, and how angry she was that there were family members who either didn’t believe her, in spite of the clear evidence that she was not the only child he’d molested, or who felt that she was the one at fault for sending a family member to prison.
“He molested his own children and they’re angry with me,” she said. “The world doesn’t get much stranger than that, does it?” Then she shrugged and said, “Well, perhaps it does, but I’m not sure I want to know.”
I told her I understood her anger, that it was not wrong or misplaced. However I know that no matter how many times I reassure her that she did the right thing and that the family members who tell her otherwise are wrong, she will always wonder if the abuse wasn’t somehow her fault, if even in the most minor way. I still wonder that on my bad days. I know better, but there is always the voice inside your head that wonders what you could have done to avoid the abuser and the abuse.
We discussed the guilt. Previously she told me that she had gotten past it, but today she confessed that it wasn’t true, that she still felt it sometimes.
“And then I snap my band and it’s as if a fog clears inside my head and I understand that I’ve given him power over me again, and that it has to stop.”
I told her I was happy that the band was proving so helpful. She’s a clever woman and understands the process by which we enable ourselves to step back and look at what it is we’re thinking and feeling. I have high hopes for her.
Chapter Fourteen
Adrian was curled up on his couch, drinking a cup o
f coffee, when Julianne called. The sound of her voice made him smile. “Hey, I’m glad you called.”
“I said I would.”
“I know, but people don’t always do what they say. You had something you wanted to ask me?”
“Yes, several things actually.”
“Shoot.”
“Okay, today you told Dr. Lange that we were friends. Do you really feel that way?”
“To my vast surprise, yes. I’ve never really had a female friend before.”
“Why not?” She sounded surprised.
Adrian laughed. “Because all men are hounds.” No point in sugar-coating his sex. “What else?”
“You told me you wanted more.”
“I reiterate, all men are hounds. Please don’t be concerned. Really. I am an adult with very good impulse control.”
“I’m not concerned because I have promised myself that I will hurt the next man who puts a hand on me without being invited.”
“I’ll mark that down,” he joked.
“I’m really curious though. You haven’t seemed interested. I may be kind of arrested in this area, but I do know when someone is showing interest.”
He figured he couldn’t lose much by leveling with her. “This is your play, Julie, not mine. I respect the control you’ve taken of your life...” For a moment he had a horrible feeling that he was attracted to her because of his own emotional problems, but he pushed the thought away. “I don’t know exactly what happened to you to make you fear something as important as touch, but I have to show respect for your experience, whatever it was you went through. You’re doing all the hard work here. I’ll be a cheering section if you want, I’ll be the friendzone guy if that’s the way you see me. It’s your call.”
She hesitated for so long that he wondered if he’d said something wrong. “Okay, what if I ask if you’d be my lover?”
Adrian was struck dumb in part by the question, and in part because his call waiting tone went off. He knew it was Olivia calling, and it distracted him just enough that he said “Um” and “Ah” and “Well” several times before he was finally able to frame a coherent thought. At last he managed, “Is that something you’re likely to do?”
“I’m not sure,” she confessed. There was a note in her voice that was wistful, as if she didn’t really believe it was possible.
“I would love it.” He wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure what he could say without sounding kind of pervy.
“I’m not asking, not right now. But I might.”
“I’ll be here!” he told her, trying to sound light-hearted.
“Well, there was one more thing, but I feel odd bringing it up now. I should have asked first. Oh God, my sense of timing just sucks. You’re going to think I’m crazy.”
“You’re in therapy, of course you’re crazy!” he said, and she giggled. “Don’t feel that way, Julie, just... look, you can say anything to me. If it bothers me at all, we’ll talk about it, okay? So ask away.” The call-waiting tone sounded again.
“My phone keeps going dead for a second or two. What’s up with that?”
“It’s call waiting. Don’t worry about it.”
“You don’t need to take it?”
“Nope. So what is it you want to ask?”
“Well, I have two tickets to the theater for tomorrow night and I was wondering—”
“I’d love to!”
“I was wondering if you’d know someone who’d like to go with me.”
Adrian was speechless for a moment and then he heard her laughter. “You got me,” he said, laughing. “Dammit.”
“I did, didn’t I? Seriously though, would you like to go with me?”
“I would. I really would. Even if you are a friend. Where is it? I’ll pick you up.”
“It’s downtown. Is there any parking?”
“I’ll take a cab. What time is it? And where do you live? Let me write all this down.”
She gave him the particulars and said, “We can have dinner afterward if you like. I have a place in mind.”
“Whatever you want,” he told her. He was enjoying the conversation tremendously and thought again that it was nice having a female friend.
They chatted for a while longer about theater and movies, and exchanged favorites or best experiences. Olivia called back twice more and Julianne asked if he didn’t want to take the other call. “It sounds like it’s important. They keep calling back.”
“No, it’s just some idiot from work who can’t find his pencil. Continue, please.”
Predictably Julianne had less experience with theater, and most of her movie-viewing had been done at home, but Adrian was impressed by the scope of her interest. She loved mysteries, especially noir, romantic comedies, and, what surprised him most, action movies which she called “broken glass movies.”
“Broken glass?” he asked.
“There’s always a lot of it.”
She was right of course. It made him chuckle.
“What’s your favorite musical?”
“I’m not big on musicals.”
“No! Say it isn’t so.”
“Big musical fan, huh? What’s your favorite then?”
“All of them.”
He gave it some thought. “Hair. Yeah, I think that’s mine.”
“Excellent choice. I approve.”
“Whew, that was close. How about music?” he asked, thinking that this was the best part about a new relationship, sharing things like favorites or bests or even worsts. But it was probably not a good idea to go to worsts any time soon.
“Swing, jazz. Musicals,” she added with a laugh. “You?”
“Not musicals. Classic rock, Classical, blues. No really, I like most music. It’s all a matter of mood.”
“I know what you mean. Sometimes I think my fondness for jazz is more about sitting alone in the dark and listening to the contents of my head being poured out.”
And in a moment the conversation took a dark turn. Adrian understood that. His dark moods hit fast and often came out of nowhere. “You shouldn’t be sitting alone. Trust me.”
“I know. I’m trying. Adrian, do you mind that I’m reaching out to you? I mean, I know I’m not like other women. I’m complicated and messy and I never know when I’m going to feel as if the person I’m talking to is going to do something horrible to me.”
It made him sick to think of someone as sweet as Julianne living like that. “I honestly can’t imagine how it feels to think of everyone as a potential threat. I wish I could do something to help.”
“You are,” she told him. “Just being here. Not backing off when you understand who I am. Not telling me to suck it up or just deal with it.”
“I wouldn’t, but then you seem to be doing a very good job of dealing with it.”
“Most of the time it doesn’t feel that way, but thank you.”
“Who tells you to suck it up?”
“My family. Not in so many words, and not my parents, please don’t ever think that. But relatives who don’t believe me about what my uncle did. People who think I sent an innocent man to prison.”
“Because children are such diabolical creatures,” Adrian said, disgusted with humanity.
“To hear them tell it, yes. His wife tells everyone I did it because he wouldn’t buy me a doll I wanted.”
“I—There aren’t words,” he said. “Not any nice ones, anyway. What about the other kids?”
“Liars. All of us were lying. The ones who told the truth that is. The liars were praised for being good, honest children.”
“All family members?”
“No. There were two of us in the family who testified against him, though I’m pretty certain there were lots of other ones, his own kids included. My cousin Martin... I don’t know where he is, or if he’s even alive. He cut us all off comprehensively.”
“I can’t blame him for wanting to get away from a family that didn’t believe that he was victimized by that man.”
“His parents didn’t even believe it.”
“Have you heard about any of the others?”
“Of the ones who testified you mean? One committed suicide two years ago.”
“God, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was my wakeup call. I know that sounds cold, but there was nothing I could do to help her. I can help myself though, and that’s when I started. That’s when I told myself to just deal with it. I can say it, nobody else can. See, I didn’t want this thing to kill me the way it did her. I don’t want him to own me, to own my life, my dreams.”
Adrian was chilled. He understood the severity of child abuse, but he had never had a visceral reaction to it beyond the sense of disgust he knew any decent person would feel. But hearing Julianne talk about the possibility of suicide so matter-of-factly drove home what sexual abuse cost the victims. “I’m glad,” he whispered, understanding that anything he could say would seem small by comparison to the enormity of what had happened to her.
“So am I. So... best vacation? See what I did there?”
“You know, I don’t mind listening,” he told her.
“And someday you will listen until your ears fall off but for today I want to share the good things. Best vacation?”
“The year I graduated from high school. I went to Europe with two friends and we cycled all over France, Germany and England.”
“That sounds amazing. How long were you there?”
“It was. We were there for six weeks and they were the best six weeks of my life. I’d love to do it again some time. Maybe in a car, though. That was some heavy duty cycling and I’m not sure I’m up to it these days. What about you?”
“Let’s see, I was ten and we went on a road trip to New England in the autumn. I’d been having some trouble in school so Mom decided to take a year off and home school me until things evened out again. Getting away from home was a huge help. I felt so much better up there. The colors were crazy beautiful and the people were so nice. We went to the ocean, ate lobster, went on a hayride. I felt like a real girl, you know? Doing all the things other people did. It was a good year for me, too, a good few years when I went to a different school, didn’t see any family but my parents, got therapy. I thought I was going to beat it. I thought it was over. It was high school that made it all go south again.”