“I know I need more practice driving, Nell. I haven’t forgotten my first semester starts next week, and I’ll not have much time for joyrides anymore. Where do you want to go?”
“I’ve an idea where you can drive us to, Sweetheart. It’s only about a half hour drive, Jenny. It’s a place in the country. Once we’re there, we can take a walk, and afterwards we can stop for coffee.”
“Sounds good to me, Nell.” I smile at her, suddenly overcome with happiness. Maybe it’s because I have spring fever? Well, that might be part of it, but mostly it’s the fact that I’m driving in my new car with a wonderful girl who has an adorable Alice Cullen hairdo sitting beside me. I start the ignition and we set off.
It turns out the drive takes more than half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes, but it doesn’t matter. Finally the road winds up onto the top of a hill, when Nellie touches my shoulder. She points to a small parking lot on the side of the road and says, “You can park over there.”
I do, and Nellie gets out first. She takes my hand after I close the door and lock it. She leads me toward a narrow paved road to our left. There are a few houses to our left, and fields to our right. The view is lovely, with vineyards and what I think is pastureland stretching out toward softly rolling hills.
Nellie smiles at me, noticing how I must have been looking around me in appreciative wonder. “You haven’t been up here before, Jenny, have you?”
“Unfortunately no. It’s nice, really peaceful.”
She keeps smiling, squeezing my hand. “Wait a few minutes, Sweetheart. It gets even better.”
We go on walking hand in hand along a narrow road lined with trees on one side, until a little church comes into view, previously hidden behind a group of trees. It looks to be centuries old.
“This is Saint Hildegard’s chapel,” Nellie explains. “It’s a very special place to me. I love the atmosphere.”
“It’s amazing.”
In fact it is amazing. The chapel is partly covered with clinging green vines. Above the entrance there’s a niche with a little statue of a lady whom I assume is the saint. I look up at her. She gazes down at me, and her expression is so vivid, so lifelike. Her eyes seem to me to be full of wisdom and kindness. I shiver involuntarily. Nellie’s right. The atmosphere is wonderful.
We walk up the weatherworn sandstone steps to the wooden doors, and I try to open the chapel door, but it turns out to be locked. I turn back at Nellie, and she has her phone out. She looks at the screen, and then she looks at me.
“I’m sorry, Jenny, but it’s only open when they celebrate mass now.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, I’d love to go inside and see what the atmosphere there is like.”
Nellie smiles at me tenderly. “Maybe we can come back on a Sunday morning, Sweetheart,” Nellie suggests, taking my hand again.
We continue on our previous way, leaving the chapel behind us, and after a short walk a splendid view opens up in front of us. I gasp as I see the river flowing down there in the valley below us.
Leaning toward Nellie I kiss her on the cheek. “This place is so wonderful, Nell. The fact that you brought me here gives me one more reason to love you.”
She blushes slightly, and it makes her even more adorable. “Awwww, Jenny, you’re just too sweet.” She puts her hands on my shoulders, turning me to face her, and kisses me softly on the lips. She takes my face in both her hands, and gazes into my eyes, becoming serious suddenly. “I love coming here. It’s quiet and serene. Coming here helps me to clear my head, whenever I need to.”
Is that why she brought me here? Did she think I needed the silence here to clear my head?
She smiles at me as if she knew exactly what I’m thinking. “Want to sit down on the bench over there?”
“Yes, I’d love that.”
We go and sit down on an old sandstone bench, still holding hands. Neither of us says a word, we’re just savoring the splendid view.
So many thoughts begin to race through my head. I don’t know if it’s the place or what has been going on in my life lately. And suddenly there are thoughts about the future.
I glance over at Nellie. A soft breeze is ruffling her hair.
“What are you going to do with your life, Nell?” I blurt out abruptly.
Her head swivels around. She looks at me in bemusement for a long moment, and then she smiles at me tenderly.
“You’ve gotten caught up in the spirit of this place, haven’t you, Jen?” Her dark molten chocolate eyes capture mine. “You’ve started thinking seriously about things. Like what you’re going to do with your life.” Leaning toward me she says softly, “And since I’m going to be a part of your future, you’re wondering what I’m going to do with my life, too, aren’t you?”
I have to laugh. It’s so true. I put my arm around Nellie. “Yeah, I’m thinking all that. So many things in my life are different now. A couple of years ago I was a drunken slut. A little over a year ago I found out I love girls.” I smile ruefully. “Now I’m ‘Jenny Coldheart’, and still don’t know what I’m going do to with my life. I mean, I’m starting my studies next week, but beyond that I don’t have any clue…”
Nellie just cuddles me and strokes my cheek. “Oh, Jenny!” Looking into her eyes I can see infinite tenderness there. “You don’t need to worry so much, Love. You’ve gone through so many changes in your life in such a short time, but you’re really dealing with it all well.”
“Really? I’m dealing with things…well? It doesn’t always feel like it.”
“Really, Jenny.” Nellie beams at me. “Just take your time, and don’t expect too much from yourself.”
“Easier said than done.” A question pops into my mind. “But do you know what you’re going to do, Nell?”
“You’re so cute, Jen.” Her eyes are full of amusement. “I certainly do have some ideas about my future, about what I’d want my future to be like ideally, but I can’t be sure of how anything’s going to work out.”
I’m a little baffled. “So...what does that mean, Nell?”
Nellie smiles. “Well, Jenny, you see, right now ‘The Coldhearts’ are my life, basically, and they’re my family, too, and I don’t ever want to lose that.”
I nod, understanding perfectly, because I feel exactly the same.
“The ideal thing for me and for all of us would be having success with the band, for us being able to make a living from just making music.”
“But? I know there’s a but.”
She smiles wryly. “But right now, even though we’ve had quite a bit of success as a band, we still need day jobs. And maybe we always will.” After a moment’s pause Nellie goes on. “Then, too, Sweetheart, you never know what’s going to happen next. For example there’s Caro. She was one of us, but she walked away from the band, because she was unhappy with Ina, and because she thought she’d found the love of her life.”
I frown suddenly, thinking about how Emilia left my life as suddenly as Caro left the band. Nellie leans forward and kisses me tenderly, making Emilia disappear from my mind.
“You never know what’s going to come our way, Jenny,” Nellie continues in a low voice. “Things can come to us, suddenly. Wonderful things! The way you came into my life, My Love.”
We share a lingering kiss, and when it ends we don’t speak for a while. More questions occur to me. I want to know more about this girl I love so much.
“So, do you have any, like, actual plans for the future, Nell? Like, what are you going to do after you graduate from college?”
“Well, after I finish college I hope to get a job as a teacher in training at a local high school if possible.” A sudden thought seems to pop up, and she begins to gesture animatedly as she smiles. “And at some point in the future I want to have kids.”
“You want to have kids?” I really wasn’t expecting that! I hope I don’t look too shocked!
If I do look shocked, it doesn’t seem to bother Nellie. “Yes, I love kids, and I’d like to
have kids of my own eventually.” She beams at me, before asking the same question of me. “What about you, Jenny?”
“Me? Kids?”
She nods, pleasantly, her eyes sparkling with mischief. She is thinking I’m cute again! Her question caught me completely off guard.
“Oh, I’ve never actually thought of that idea,” I say, “But now that I do…I’m not sure I really want to have kids after what happened with my own family.”
For a moment lots of unhappy memories fill my mind, especially of the times when my parents were going through their breakup and divorce. I immediately make a mental note to call my younger brother Chris.
Nellie’s dark eyes fill with the same sort of kindness and wisdom I believe having seen in the eyes of the saint’s statue above the entrance of the chapel. She caresses my cheek. “You know how sorry I am with what happened with your family,” Nellie says softly. “You’re still so young, and there are lots of things you don’t need to think about just yet.” She kisses me affectionately. “You don’t need to think about having kids yet, and neither do I.”
Her eyes wander down to the river below us, and my own eyes follow hers. We follow the course of the river as it flows off into the distance, and we can’t see where it ends.
“Do you want to go now, Jenny, or do you want to enjoy the view a little longer?”
I smile at her. “Let’s stay a little longer, Love. It’s so beautiful here, and so peaceful. And right now it’s the best place to be, because you’re here with me.”
“I was hoping you’d say that, Jenny, My Love.”
For what seems like a long, long time, we sit together in companionable silence.
+++
That night I have a dream, but it’s not one of the nightmarish vampire dreams I used to have a year ago when I was still with Sherinia, but it’s rather dark nevertheless.
Sitting at a round table like the ones you’d see in bistros, I’m in a room, that’s only lit by candles. I can see the pretty vampire Alice Cullen sitting in front of me, though. Alice Cullen? Or is it Nellie? It certainly looks like Nellie. Only she looks like a witch, somehow. It’s not just that her hair’s dyed black, or that her eyes are rimmed in black eyeliner and black eye shadow, or that her lips are black. That’s how Nellie dresses at gigs, after all. I suppose it’s that she has an air of mystery about her, somehow. This may also be due to the fact she’s wearing a long, black robe.
She favors me with an enigmatic smile, and laying a pack of cards face down on the table, she says in a soft voice, “So, my raven-haired beauty, you’ve come to me wanting to know what your future holds, haven’t you?”
Showing her white even teeth, one of which has a gold cap on it, like the gypsy in ‘Love Potion No.9’, she says, “The cards will tell you all you desire to know, raven-haired Beauty.”
She murmurs something that sounds like a prayer, and as she does, she places a series of seven cards on the table all of them face down. When she ends her singsong she turns two of them face up. I’ve never seen such cards before, and I don’t even know what they’re supposed to mean. One of them has four hearts that seem to be made of blue ice on it. On the other one there’s what might be a goddess, only her face is the face of the saint I saw over the door of the chapel of Saint Hildegard. Her eyes are full of love, compassion and wisdom.
“The goddess Fortune, who speaks through these cards, holds out the promise of future happiness to you.” She turns over a third card, which shows a group of young women embracing one another. She stares at it thoughtfully for a moment, before she looks up at me. “You’re surrounded by those who love you with the kind of love that members of a family have for one another, and their love for you will go on and on,” she says.
It occurs to me that the card with the icy blue hearts and the one with the group of women embracing might actually stand for the band I’m playing with. “So,‘The Coldhearts’ will go on being an important part of my life? Well, that’s good, but it’s not exactly the thing I wanted a fortuneteller to find out,” I reply. I look back at fortuneteller Nellie, and nod a bit impatiently.
Her dark eyes sparkle with mischief, as she turns over yet another card, which shows two nude girls holding hands. A broad grin appears on the pretty face of the dark-eyed mysterious beauty in front of me.
“Ah! Fortune has smiled on you again, Dear Heart. There will be another kind of love in your life, also.”
I frown at the card. “What do you mean?”
“Ah, my raven-haired angel. The cards show that you will always love and be loved.”
She taps on the card with the two young women on it, and nods. “At this very moment there are at least two girls who love and desire you deeply.”
My heart begins to pound as I imagine myself holding hands with Nellie and Emilia, as the three of us are standing in front of a store window, looking at a huge bed.
Fortuneteller Nellie turns over yet another card, which is divided into two sections. The one on the left shows a group of three young women dancing beneath the sun, while the one on the right shows them lying on their backs staring at the moon.
“I think you may know how to read this card yourself, my black-haired Beauty.” Nellie smiles sweetly.
“Oh? Maybe I get to spend a dream holiday with my two lovers?” I ask tentatively.
Yes! Maybe I do. This thing is getting better and better. Maybe I’ll go on a real holiday with Nellie and Emilia, the kind I’ve never been on? I picture Nellie lying on a towel beneath a beach umbrella. She’s wearing a cute black bikini, while she watches Emilia and I shrieking with laughter as we play beach volleyball on the sand. Yes, I can definitely imagine myself doing that.
But then fortuneteller Nellie is still sitting in front of me, and turns over another card. This one shows a woman smiling maliciously while she holds up a golden apple.
“Ah! There’s something that threatens your happiness!” My eyes widen, as the fortuneteller points to the new card, her face assuming a somber expression. “That is Discord, who tears lovers apart in many ways, one of which is by playing on their jealousy.”
I sigh. Yeah, I know I have an issue with jealousy I need to work on. But how can these fucking cards know that?
Nellie takes a sip of red wine from a goblet beside her, looking at me searchingly the whole time, before she turns over the final card. It shows a woman standing before a group of young people, who are kneeling. The woman holds up a book with one hand, and gestures toward it with the other. Somehow I know what the book’s about, that it’s a history of…something book.
“I’m going to become a history teacher?” I suddenly have a vision of myself standing in front of high school students.
I look down at the goblet sitting by my right hand. I pick it up and take a long sip of red wine from it. Suddenly I wonder how Nellie’s cards can know everything about me, my present, and my future? Maybe our little trip to Saint Hildegard’s Chapel turned her into a clairvoyant?
I frown as I take another sip of my red wine, and looking up, I see that Nellie’s grinning smugly at me. Somehow I’m sure she’s played a trick on me.
“You bitch,” I scream at her in mock fury. “You made all this up.” I leap to my feet, and reaching across the little table I grab the collar of her robe, and pull her towards me. Suddenly the table vanishes, and we’re in Nellie’s bedroom, which is lit only be candles. I press my mouth on her lips, which she opens immediately, and I slip my tongue into her mouth. She tastes of red wine – and of Nellie, and she responds to my kiss by sucking my tongue. I love this girl and I want her now. I shove her down on her back without breaking our kiss, and I land on top of her, pressing my breasts against her breasts…
I wake up with a start, and I’m startled and confused. It takes a few moments before I realize where I am. Partly, because I’m still not used to waking up in my new room at ‘The Coldhearts’ farmhouse, but mostly because my dream was so incredibly vivid.
It’s dawning out
side, I realize, even though my room’s still dark. There’s a warm, furry, little body lying next to me. It’s Hildegard, the cat. She must have snuck into my bed sometime last night. I smile at her and stroke her, and she utters a soft little mew, and starts purring.
She’s adopted me, I think. I’ve become part of her family. Just like ‘The Coldhearts’ girls have. The thought warms me through and through, and makes me smile. I pet Hildegard for a little while, and closing her eyes she snuggles up to me, and goes back to sleep. I close my eyes and drift back to sleep myself, wondering whether any of the things I dreamed of last night were true or would ever come true.
+++
On the way back to my room after I’m done showering I notice that Nellie’s door is closed. I realize it means that she wants privacy, but I can’t help stopping to listen at her door anyway. I can hear her voice, but I can also hear another voice, the voice of another woman. Oh, right I remember. Nellie told me she had an online date with her old girlfriend Josepha.
I felt a pang of jealousy when she told me about it, but then I remembered the things Bette told me about jealousy, and I did my best to put it out of my mind then. I’m also aware I have to put it out of my mind now, too. I step away from Nellie’s door and go back to my room. ‘Happiness. It’s all about being happy.’
I need to think about things. Closing my eyes, I ask myself ‘what am I feeling now?’ I decide that I do feel some jealousy, still, but there’s also something else. I can remember the first time Nellie and I made love, in her bedroom that was lit only be candles. I remember how she had Pink Floyd’s ‘Shine On You Crazy Diamond’ playing on a loop, and it makes me smile, now.
Putting my ear buds in and plugging them in to my phone, I turn on the song, and more memories of my first night with Nellie come back to me. I realize that even though Nellie’s with someone else now, she’ll be with me again soon. I know she loves Josepha and misses her, and I really do want her to be happy. I truly do love Nellie. I feel warmth spreading from my little sun in my stomach. So it’s all right for me if she has an online date with Josepha. It’s all about happiness, isn’t it?
Jennifer's Triad Page 24