Standing next to his bed, I reached out with my other hand and held his. Slowly, he turned his head in my direction. He groaned.
“Oh not you too. Have all my brothers turned into pussies while I was away?”
“Eli…”
God! I couldn’t talk. Here’s my older brother that I looked up to, played with, secretly had contests over girls with, laying in a hospital bed looking like half of himself.
“Get me paper and a pen please. Please,” he begged me with his eyes.
“I’ll get it for you Eli,” Vicky said leaning down kissing Eli’s cheek.
I wasn’t sure what I’d do without Vicky right now. Giving her a small kiss, she left the room.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Finally finding my voice.
“Right and have all my younger siblings come running to me and ruin my time. Besides I’m the oldest. My job was to look after you guys not to be looked after. I’ve only had a few episodes since I left.”
Pulling a chair over, I sat down so I could hear him over the crying and chatter behind me. Eli took a deep breath.
“I’ve been happy, Jake. Please don’t make me feel bad for finding some happiness.”
“Is that where you disappeared to lately? Wherever you’ve found your happiness?”
“Sometimes,” was all he said.
Taking a deep breath, “Is there anything they can do?” My voice was shaking.
“No, brother. Hey, can I ask a favor from you?”
“Of course,” tears filled my eyes.
“Can,” he took a deep breath, “can you and Jack look out for the others? Take over for me?”
The air left my lungs. My determined, let nothing stop him, brother was giving up. He was letting go. God No!
“E, please don’t. You can’t talk like this. Please,” I pleaded with tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Jake, I have congestive heart failure level four. It’s not ‘if’ anymore. It’s when. Please I need you to promise me. Give me this peace of mind. Please.”
“Yes,” I croaked.
Vicky came back in with three notebooks and several pens. Smiling at Eli, she handed them to him, kissing his cheek again.
“Here you go. I hope that’s enough.”
“Thank you, Vicky. I know what you’re doing for my brother and that means so much to me.”
Her eyes flew up to meet mine. I shook my head. Honestly, I had no idea how Eli knew, but then again this guy would know if you sneezed from four hours away. There was no way I could fill his shoes like he wanted. Jack couldn’t really help either because he had his family with Shannon being pregnant and the boys.
“Come on, you don’t think I don’t know my brother by now? He’s always thought he was slick, but I’ve always known and have done my damnedest to get you to stop, but every time I failed. I’m glad you’re finally getting help now.
Everyone stayed in the room for a few more hours talking until Eli kicked us all out. No one wanted to leave, nor did we go far. Vicky and I walked across the street and got a hotel room. Mom and dad did the same.
When Vicky and I got into the room, I was drained. My heart was heavy and I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that I’m losing my brother. How was I supposed to not want to talk to Eli when our team lost or one of our siblings messed up? Walking over to the window, I stared out at the hospital. He can’t be leaving us. He just can’t. He’s too young.
Vicky’s arms wrapped around me from behind. Resting my hands over hers, I take a deep breath. Her strength is the only reason I haven’t fallen to my knees and broke completely down. In the time we’ve been together, she’s really began to mean the world to me. Okay I won’t lie, from the day I met her she meant more to me than I wanted to admit. Turning in her arms, I pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.
“Thank you for being there for me today, Vix. It really means a lot to me.”
“Like I told you before, I’m here for as long as you need me,” she said smiling up at me.
She took my hand and led me over to the bed. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how I was going to sleep, how any of us were going to sleep. The only thing I could think about was when I shut my eyes was that my brother might be too. Vicky curled around me and I wrapped her in my arms.
“He’s going to be okay, right?”
“I don’t know,” she said quietly.
She tightened her arms around me and started to press kisses against my neck. Just like she always has, she turned me on. My blood left my brain and roared south. Tonight was different though. It was a different feeling. This time she was different. She looked at me differently. We made slow passionate love until we both screamed out our releases collapsing to the bed and fell asleep.
# # #
We were all back in Eli’s room bright and early. The minute visiting hours started we were all there. None of us wanted to miss a moment with Eli. Vicky sat on my lap and we all just kind of sat quietly as we watched Eli sleep. My heart was heavy. It was aching.
Please Lord, save my brother. Take me. Take me in his place. Please just don’t take my brother.
“Amber? Amber? Where’s Amber?” Eli asked with his eyes still closed.
Kayla grabbed Eli’s hand and held it to her tear soaked cheek. “Who’s Amber, Eli?”
“Amber? Amber? Where’s Amber?”
He kept repeating this over and over again. Tears fell down my cheeks. None of us knew what to do or how to find her. Jack told us later that he had found Amber and was trying to rekindle what they had. That man has never stopped loving her. The problem was that we have no idea where she was. Eli never told any of us.
“Amber can you hear me?”
Vicky climbed off my lap and sat on the bed next to Eli taking his hand. “I’m right here,” she whispered.
“Oh thank God. I love you. I love you so much. The time we were apart only made me love you so much more.”
“Eli-”
“No wait, listen. My family will love you. They’ll watch over you. They will. Stay with them, please. Please promise me, Amber.”
She looked up at all of us and we all nodded. “I promise, Eli. I promise.”
“You were my world, you always were. Now I’ll watch over my world with wings to carry you. I love you. Help my parents. They are going to need a new lawyer, even if you’re only a writer now. Look out for my brothers and sisters. Please don’t let them fall because I flew. Remind them always how much I love them. I- I- I…”
He starts gasping and jerking in the bed. Nurses and doctors rush into the room and we’re kicked out. We all crowded together in the hall. My heart was breaking in my chest. My whole body was shaking, sweat broke out over my forehead. It was getting so hard to breathe.
God no! Please don’t take him. Please don’t take him! He’s not ready to go! I’m not ready to let him go!
The door opened and the doctor said that he’d give us all a chance to say our goodbyes. That was it, nothing more. After my turn, I hit my knees and cried. I sobbed like there was no tomorrow. Vicky kneeled down next to me, wrapping her arms around me. I jumped up and quickly backed away from her.
“Don’t touch me,” I hissed at her.
“Jake…” she started.
“No!” I yelled and everyone turned and looked. “This is your fault! He’s dead… My- My brother is dead because of you!” I roared.
“I thought-”
“If you’d kept your fucking mouth shut he’d still be here.” Running my hands through my hair, everything was blurring in my head. “I- I need to get out of here,” I said as I started to run off.
“Jake, no! You’ve been clean this long. Don’t fall off now. Eli wouldn’t want it!” She yelled from behind me.
I spun around. “Don’t you dare bring my brother into this! You don’t get to kill my brother and then use him as some kind of leverage.”
Tears fell down her cheeks, “Jake, I-”
“Shut the fuck up! Stay away from
me!” Turning, I stormed off.
The minute I got out of the hospital and in my car, I called my dealer. “Hook me up triple this time. Leave it in the drop zone. Your money will be there at the normal time.”
“Man, are you sur-”
“Do what I asked damn it!”
“Sure. It’ll be there.”
Zipping down the roads, I reached the drop off found my package, replaced with the money. Then drove off and went back to my room. I thought about going back to the club, finding a girl to get my rocks off with, but truth was no matter how lost and angry I was Vicky was it for me. However, I died with Eli. There was nothing left of the man that lived in this body.
Sitting in my office with pictures of Vicky and I and Eli and the family, I continued to push the drugs. The first amount wasn’t enough to clear my head, so I kept going until a clear thought finally formed. Staring down at the photos before me, Vicky will never forgive me for the way I treated her and I just couldn’t go on without my brother. Pulling out some paper and a pen, I start to write a message.
I’m sorry, Vicky. I love you, but I’m no good for you. Just know that I died with a love that I never thought I’d feel. You gave me life, now I’m giving you back yours. Goodbye.
Tears fell on the paper, I pulled out another piece.
I couldn’t save him. I prayed for God to take me instead, but instead he took Eli and left only my shell behind. I can’t let you down anymore. I can’t be the man I once was. The man I’ve become does not deserve to be here and I can’t seem to make him go away. I love you all very much. Find your happiness and hang on because the minute you let it go nothing will make sense again… Goodbye.
More tears fell, I grabbed the remainder of my drugs. Looking at the pictures one last time, then took the last of it. As the panic consumed me, I sat firm in my chair staring at the last face I wanted to remember. She looked so beautiful in her evening dress, but the picture I loved the most, it was her in her pajamas and messy hair. My heart started hammering rapidly in my chest that I swore I could see it through my shirt. My vision started to blur as my breathing picked up and then there was nothing…
Chapter Thirteen
Vicky
I crumbled to the floor, crying. What the hell have I done? I didn’t know. I didn’t know… Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, I jumped up.
“I’m so sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to cause any harm. I thought I was helping. Um, you need to find Jake. With his drug problem and his current emotional state, he’s liable to really hurt himself,” I started walking away.
“Thank you, Vicky.” Jane said from behind me through her tears.
“Don’t thank me. Eli’s gone because of me and Jake’s… Just please don’t thank me.” I walked away.
It was a long and hard walk to the elevator. Go figure the minute I step in the elevator Rascal Flatt’s Here Comes Goodbye starts playing over the sound system. As the song played, my heart sank further in my chest. It was fate telling me that my dreams were only that once again…dreams. How I let myself be fooled that I could possibly have more was beyond me. Never has there been happiness for me. Not since I was a kid. Definitely not after the drunken, loser of an ex beat me almost to death and definitely not now with the amazing man that I shared a bed with.
The ding from the elevator brought me back to the present and I walked off. The world around me was just a blur of action. Nothing registered. It wasn’t until I got outside the hospital that I realized, I had no vehicle. As I sighed, I turned and started toward my apartment. The long walk was the start of a punishment for me. It was about six miles to my apartment from the hospital. What was I going to do when I got there? Hell if I knew, but I guess I had a while before I had to figure that out.
His words continued to echo in my head. The more they repeated the more I felt the truth behind it. I was a murderer. My parents died because of me. Now I’ve killed Eli. I ruined an amazing family and probably cost them another son. What the hell was I thinking! My foot stomped on the pavement hard enough to feel the tingling sensation shoot up from my foot through my leg.
When I stood to play the role of this Amber, I thought I was helping, giving Eli some peace. My heart sank lower in my chest. A thought occurred to me then, a way to give the family some peace in their sadness. My feet picked up and soon I was running. The quicker I moved the more the idea formed in my head. Suddenly, it was the only thing I could think about, which suits me just fine considering Jake’s words finally ended their relentless repetition in my head.
Once I made the detour to go to my office instead, it was a shorter distance. Once inside, I hurried to my office. Hour after grueling hour, dead end after dead end, I kept working until finally I found what I was looking for. Picking up my phone, I dialed the number that I prayed was the right one.
“Hello?” Came a sweet voice from the other side.
“Ms. Morgan?”
“That’s my maiden name, yes?”
“Your maiden name?”
“Yes, I married two months ago. I’m sorry, but who is this?”
“Do you know an Elijah Williams?”
“Yes, he’s my husband.”
Oh God! I found her. But suddenly the words I had to tell her were like sandpaper on my tongue. Summoning every bit of strength I had left, I began to speak.
“My name is Vicky. I’m a…I called to give you a message from Eli.”
I pushed through everything that Eli had told me tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a long pause on the other end with quiet sobbing.
“Is…Did…?”
“He passed today. I had a hard time finding you. I’m sorry I stepped in and pretended to be you. I thought I was giving him peace. It was important for him that you knew all that. I wanted to make sure I told it to you.”
“He’s…he’s gone?” She sobbed.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Th-thank you for calling. I, uh, gotta go.”
Just like that she hung up. I sagged back against my chair and cried. I cried for the Williams family, for this Amber who had just found her husband and lost him. I just cried. My cell phone kept ringing, but I didn’t want to answer it. Didn’t want to be told how much they hated me.
Shutting my phone off, I put it in my drawer. Moving over to the couch in my office, I sat there and stared at the ceiling. In my heart, I knew I did the right thing. Amber didn’t tell me she hated me or that I killed her husband. Of course, Jake never said he hated me either, but he didn’t have to. It was in his eyes, the way he jumped when I touched him.
My head filled with everything he said again, but just as the thought began to overwhelm me there was a pounding on my office door. Forcing myself off the couch, I walked out of my office. I could barely make out the silhouette of a man. He was huge. Just from the size of this shadow man, my heart began to race.
“We’re not open. Come back during normal business hours,” I called out.
“Open the fucking door, Vicky!” The deep growl came.
Stepping back some from the anger in his voice, I wanted to call Jake but remembered he hated me and would probably just let the guy in. I stared at him with my back against the wall. I face plenty of scary men at seriously scary moments and don’t bat an eye, but this man scared the crap out of me. His eyes were darker than his shadow. This man was dangerous, I could feel it in my bones.
“Vicky! Jake is in the hospital! Open the fucking door!”
The mention of Jake’s name had me running to the door. Quickly, I unlocked the door and opened it. My breath caught at the anger on his face. Was he lying? Was he going to kill me now?
“I’ve been trying to reach you for a few hours now. Don’t you answer a phone?”
He grabbed me out of the office, grabbed my keys, locked the door and dragged me out to a car. I was that shocked that I let it all happen. It wasn’t until we were flying down the roads that my senses came back.
“Who,” I swallowed. “Who
are you?”
He cursed under his breath before he took a deep breath. “My name is Danger. Jake is like a brother to me. I found him in his hotel room with drug paraphernalia all over his desk. He’s overdosed, but I think I found him in time. God, to see him like that. He was looking at pictures of the family,” he turned his head in my direction, “and of you. He had this picture held in his hand,” Danger said as he hand me a wrinkled picture of me in my pajamas.
I couldn’t even remember him taking this picture. But I was looking at him smiling. God, I’d never been happier than I was with him. He believed that he lost himself, but I don’t think he ever wanted to see what an amazing man he was.
“He also left these,” Danger handed me some papers.
It wasn’t legible. It looked like a bunch of scribbles that were attempting to be words, but on one sheet, I could see my name. Keeping the one that appeared to have my name it, I handed the other back to Danger.
“I can’t make them out.”
“Well I can,” Danger hissed at me.
“Well then scribble word whisperer, tell me what they say,” I hissed right back.
He jerked the car to the side of the road, slammed it into park, turned to me and grabbed my shirt.
“That note is telling you how much he loved you, but he doesn’t feel worthy of you. So instead of making you miserable he’s setting you free. The other is telling his family that he loved them and apologizing for how he failed them. You sit and make fucking jokes when this man needs you. He needs help! You need to help him. Quit thinking about yourself for five seconds!” He pushed me back into my seat, turned and started down the road again.
“I’m not thinking of myself,” I said softly. “I’m thinking about a family that just lost one member because of me. I’m thinking about a mother that is cracking and one touch and she’ll shatter. I’m thinking about a man that believes I killed his brother. I’m thinking of the man that I love and not wanting to do him anymore harm. Nowhere in there am I thinking of myself, my pain, my loss.”
Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5) Page 9