When I found out I was pregnant, I about died right there. I wasn’t sure that was how I wanted my life to go. I’ve always dreamed of having a family, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for it now. Definitely wasn’t ready to do it alone, but this is what happens when you miss your pill because you are too busy having an orgasm than to remember the essentials.
Casey comforted me and sat with me all night long while I cried. By the next day, I was happy about the pregnancy, well, I was accepting it anyway. The excitement wouldn’t be there either because Jake wasn’t there. This should have been a moment where we were married and he spun me around the room, crying softly into my neck. Then we’d go share the amazing news with his family.
That wasn’t how it happened. No, instead I find out after he stomps on my heart and walks away. His final words keep coming back to me and I can’t fathom why.
“How can I take back a life that doesn’t want me in it?”
Surely, he didn’t feel that his family didn’t want him around. He may have a problem, but from what I’ve seen with that family… that’d never cause them to turn their backs on him. He’d get the support he needed. Which was one of the reasons I kept urging him to talk to his family about what was going on, but he wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t force him to do something he wasn’t ready to. Yes, I could have gone behind his back and told his family the truth, but as I later found out by Eli, some of them already knew.
My mind keeps going back to the Amber woman that Eli kept calling out for and I managed to find after an endless search. I wondered if she ever made it back in time for the funeral. Even if Jake hated me, I was tempted to go to the funeral and pay my respects. Instead, I waited until the next day and paid my respects then. My heart didn’t have enough strength to see Jake again. His harsh words still bounced around in my head and I don’t think they will ever go away.
Now this all left me standing in my cabin alone and still seeing Casey’s heartbroken face in my head.
“I’m falling in love with you Vicky. Every day I fall deeper and deeper. I need to know if you love me too. If there’s even a chance that you and I and this miracle here,” he ran his hand over my belly. “Is there any chance we can all be happy together and you love me too?”
Tears fell down my cheeks as I looked into his hopeful eyes. “How could you love me, Casey?”
“I’ve spent pretty much every minute with you for the past couple of months. I’ve kissed you more than not during those times. We’ve talked about each other and our lives. In the past couple months I’ve gotten to know you. Every day, I’ve slowly fallen in love with you. Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Because I’ve never given you, me. You’ve had a part of me, but never the full person. I’ve always held one part away from you.”
His face dropped and he looked down at our hands. “Your heart,” he whispered sadly. Looking back up into my eyes, he swallowed hard. “There’s no chance for me to win that, is there?”
I shook my head, “No.” My voice broke and the tears fell harder down my cheeks.
“Hey, don’t cry,” he whispered. “It hurts that you don’t love me, but Vicky it really doesn’t change anything between us. Well, I guess it does take the kissing off the table,” he smirked.
“Damn, you were really good at that,” I tried to tease back.
“You too beautiful,” he paused for a minute before speaking again. “I’ll always love you Vicky. Even if I move on and find the woman I’m meant to be with, there will still be a part of me that will always love you. I can’t shut it off, but what I’m wondering is if we can be friends? I don’t want to lose you completely.”
I looked at his sincere face. My heart clenched in my chest. “Why can’t I love you?”
“Hey, if I knew how to make that happen, I’d done it by now. This Jake character, he’s the one you love?”
“Yes,” I squeaked out.
“He’s the father of the baby?”
“Yes.”
“He doesn’t know you’re pregnant, does he?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t love me in return and I know him. He’d stay with me out of obligation to our child.”
“Well, tell you what? If he doesn’t come to his senses and see what an amazing woman you are, you come back to me and we’ll pick up right where we left off,” he smiled.
“Sounds like a plan,” I laughed.
He pulled me into a hug. “Do you still want your ice cream before I take you home?”
“Yes, please.”
He dropped me off and walked me to the door. “Call me if you ever need someone to talk to. I meant it when I said I still wanted to be friends.”
“I will. I promise.”
There was a moment of silence. “Vicky?”
I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes. “Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you one last time?” He whispered, his hands already cupped my face.
“Yes,” I breathed.
He leaned down slowly. Casey kissed me slowly and tenderly. He wasn’t rushing anything. I gave it to him, let him have whatever he wanted, needed from me. Jake wasn’t coming back, my heart knew it, but yet I couldn’t commit to Casey. One of his hands left my face, grabbed one of mine and moved it over his erection. He thrust his hips into my hand. Casey pinned me against the door, his other hand left my face.
Pulling my hand away, I broke the kiss. “I’m sorry, Casey. I can’t do that to you.”
“But what if I want you to. I’ve been dying to have your hands on me,” he whispered, huskily.
“If we weren’t saying goodbye to this part of us, I would. But we are saying goodbye to this part.”
He took a deep breath and let it out loudly. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s hard to let you go, to let this go.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Vicky, please. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Okay?”
I nodded my head, then look up at him. He was trying to smile, but his eyes were sad and broken. “I’m so sorry, Casey.” A sob escaped and I turned and ran inside.
He had knocked a couple of times, asking to come in to talk. I couldn’t let him in. He was hurting and it was all my fault. Casey was a great guy. I prayed that he finds a woman that deserved him and would love him with all that she is.
Who knows, maybe down the road him and I could cross paths again and I might be able to make a commitment to him. Just now there wasn’t a way. I’m not the type of person to fake feelings for someone when I really long for another. After the baby is born and I’ve sold my house in the city, I’ll look back over my life and come to terms with the fact that I love a man that will never see me in that light.
Tears filled my eyes and my hand rested on my stomach. My life was so crazy right now, but I vowed to my baby that they’d never know any of this turmoil. My heart clenched at the thought of them missing out on that big loveable family, but I just can’t handle being around Jake right now. Maybe another thing in the future to re-examine.
My whole body was exhausted. My brain was exhausted. It was nap time. Something that I’ve had to grow accustomed to with this pregnancy, I was constantly tired. When I walked into the room, I decided to jump into the shower first. Letting the water rain down on me relaxed my muscles and the heat made me even more tired than I was before.
I had just stepped from the shower when I heard knocking at the door. Grabbing my robe, I hurried to the door. When I cracked it open, I saw Jake walking away with his head hung down. Then I heard his soft spoken words.
“Goodbye Vicky. I’ll always love you.”
He didn’t just say that. That was my heart wishing for something in return. Still the possibility had never occurred to me and opened the door wider.
“Jake?”
He stopped. Jake didn’t turn around or say anything it was almost as if he was frozen in the very spot he stood. My heart was racing in my
chest and my stomach filled with butterflies.
“Jake? What are you doing here?”
My voice seemed to break him from his momentary state of frozen. He slowly turned around. My head was all that stuck out of the door right now. His eyes were sad. I didn’t like seeing Jake sad. It broke my heart.
“I know I’m too late and I’m sorry to interrupt you. I just wanted to…”
“Wanted to what?”
I was breathless. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It was racing so fast that I almost felt dizzy.
“It doesn’t matter now,” he said so sadly that I could almost hear his heart breaking.
“It does. I want to know. Tell me,” I urged him.
He took a deep breath, but still didn’t move toward me nor did I come any further out the door.
“I love you. I have loved you for a long time, but I know I’m not worthy of you. I…” A tear slipped down his cheek. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.”
When he started to walk away, I rushed out of the door, grabbed his hand, “Please don’t go.”
He turned and looked at me and his eyes widen.
Chapter Twenty
Jake
“Please don’t go,” she pleaded as she grabbed my hand in hers.
The familiar jolt shot through my body and I relished it. Trying not to get my hopes up, I turned slowly and when I saw her, my breath left my lungs as my eyes about popped out of my head.
“You… You’re pregnant?” I stuttered.
She rested her hand on her stomach. I refused to let go of her other hand. “Yes,” she said almost cautiously.
“Please don’t hate me for asking, but is it mine?” I asked almost in a daze.
“Yes. Will you come inside please?”
All I could seem to do was nod my head. Still unable to let her hand go she walked into the house. I followed her into the kitchen.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“No thank you. Vicky?”
She sighed. “Yeah?”
“I know about the other guy. If you’re trying to find a way to break it to me, you don’t have to. I just wanted to come here and tell you how I feel, but after I knocked I realized that it wasn’t fair to you to do that. I just want you happy, that’s all that matters to me,” I kissed her on her forehead and turned to leave.
“If that is all that matters to you then why are you leaving?” She yelled from behind me.
“What?” I asked, turning around.
“If you care about my happiness, then why are you leaving right now?”
“Because you have someone else. I’m not going to make you choose.”
“Had. Had someone else. He wanted something I had already given away.”
“What… what was that?”
She took my hand in hers and placed it on her chest. “My heart. You already have it.”
Without being able to resist any longer, I pulled her into me and kissed her. This time she kissed me back. It was an urgent kiss. It was the best way to describe the frenzy that was happening. Different emotions swarmed me, each one wanted to take the lead, but what won out was love. I pulled back from the rough kiss when I felt her belly bump into me.
Resting my hand on her rounded bump, I swallowed hard. “How far along are you?”
“About three months. I’m measuring bigger than normal at my stage so I go in for an ultrasound… Shit it was today!”
“What time?” A moment of panic hit me.
“Six o’clock. I had them schedule it later because I’ve been so damn tired and sick.”
Looking at the watch on my wrist, “It’s only four now. If you get dressed we might be able to make it.”
I’d no more than finished talking when she was already hurrying down the hall. Allowing her the privacy to get ready, although I’ll be honest, if I were to go back there with her right now I’d likely want to pick up where we left off. The doctor was important right now.
Then just as I paced the room for the fifth time, she comes walking out in a beautiful blue sundress. Her breasts filled out the top of the dress and then some. Her gorgeous baby bump filled out the front of the dress nicely. Before I realized what I was doing, I had already walked to her and had my hand on her belly.
“I know that you just found out and all, but we really need to go before we’re late,” she said breaking into my thoughts.
“Yes. You’re right,” I said as I shook my head.
We hurried out to the car. It was as we were driving to the office that I decided to tell her everything.
“I’m clean now. It was the reason I hadn’t come by. My family helped me. I talked with everyone and got a lot of the issues dealt with. When I came to you, I wanted to be clean and the man you needed. It was a struggle to stay away. Many times my brothers had to stop me from coming to you. I just want you to know, the man that’s here… well, I just hope he’s worthy enough for you.”
She placed her hand on mine. “You were worthy before, you just got stuck behind your problems.” Vicky took my hand and placed it on her stomach. “We have a lot of talking to do, but right now let’s check on this little one,” she smiled at me.
I smiled back at her. A thought occurred to me and my smile fell.
“What’s wrong, Jake?”
“You know that when we go in here everyone, and I mean everyone, will know about the pregnancy. I can almost bet there will be people waiting by the time we leave,” I said sadly.
“I understand that this comes along with the territory. I knew who you were going into this. You never tried to tell me otherwise. I’d like to say I’m prepared, but I’m not. As long as I’m safe at home, I’m okay.”
“I promise you, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure of that,” I practically growled.
She started laughing. The rest of the ride to the appointment was quiet. We just enjoyed being back around each other. Tonight we’ll talk about our future, but right now, we are both concentrating on the baby.
I waited in a room filled with women for Vicky to sign in. Everyone in this room was staring at me, even some of the men. There were a few free chairs in this little cubby area away from everyone. When Vicky was finished, I led her in there. Sadly a few of them followed us. I hated this part of my job. Right now some peace and quiet was needed and all they wanted to do was stare at me.
“I’m calling Danger. He’ll do until my bodyguards can get here,” I whispered in her ear.
“You really think that’s necessary,” she said as more people are pulling chairs into this little cubby area. “Never mind, call him,” she said with an edge to her voice.
After I get off the phone with Danger, who should be here in five minutes, I whispered in Vicky’s ear. “You know I won’t let anything happen to you, right?”
She smiled up at me. “I know that. It’s just…” her eyes advert toward the bigger gathering of people.
“I know, Vix. I’m so sorry. Let’s go see if we can’t wait somewhere more secure.”
“How are we going to get out of here?”
The panic rolled off her like wind through the trees. This had me seriously agitated. It was the reason I’m considering a career change. They all started asking questions. They were all asking them so fast that I couldn’t keep up. As they asked questions, they moved closer and that had Vicky trembling. My irritation was close to an overload when Danger finally showed up.
“Back up! If you are not out of this area in ten seconds, you will be getting tickets.”
After a few minutes, many of them left. Danger came in the room and ushered us out and through another door that was opened by a nurse. He then had a heated conversation with a woman behind a desk and we were ushered into a consultation room. Once we were alone, I immediately pulled Vicky into my arms.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I said into her hair as she cried.
She pulled herself together and wiped her eyes. “It’s okay, Jake. It just scared m
e was all. Why do you ever go out without your bodyguards?”
“Because when it’s just me, I can handle it… usually. But you being here with me was different.”
A knock sounded on the door. When the door opened, Danger walked in. The minute the door shut, he started to rant.
“Jesus Christ Jake! What the hell were you thinking? She’s pregnant for Christ’s sake!”
“I called you before it got bad. You took too long!” I growled.
“I’m not your fucking bodyguard!”
“Okay boys. Hello? Woo hoo. Over here, pregnant woman,” she points to her belly. When she saw us both look, she started again. “Okay now, first, no one could have predicted it to be that bad. Second, he didn’t know he was coming here or even for sure that I was indeed pregnant. Third, you are a cop Danger. You know, to serve and protect and all that bullshit. Get your head out of your ass and remember your job description.”
“Yeah whatever. I’ve got shit to do. You have your bodyguards on the way or what?”
“Should be here in about twenty minutes or so. Thank you. I’m sorry if I interrupted anything. You were just the first person that came to my mind. I won’t let it happen again,” I stated.
He sighed. “No, I’m glad you called. Congratulations by the way. I’ll stay until they show up. What are their names?”
“Paco and Dean. They have a code they have to give,” I wrote the codes down on a piece of paper and handed it to him. “Don’t let them pass without them giving these to you.”
“Got it,” he said as he headed out the door.
A few minutes later, there was another knock. In walked an older gentleman, he smiled at Vicky.
“Well hello Ms. Lancer. It’s nice to see you again. Today we’ll be doing your ultrasound so let’s head on over to the ultrasound room.”
He turned and we followed behind him. Vicky gripped my hand tightly in hers. Bringing her hand up to my lips, I kissed it gently and she softly sighed. We walked past four doors, around a corner, past two more doors before he opened a door and ushered us in.
He walked over to a machine and started pressing buttons. “Considering the security factor we have here, I’ll be doing your ultrasound myself. Oh, forgive me, I’m Dr. Oracle. Nice to meet you, Mr. Williams.”
Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5) Page 15