Samuel’s question made both Liam and Joanna’s jaws dropped. Everyone laughed. I laughed too, just because everyone was laughing. I wasn’t exactly sure why.
“Babe.” Joanna shook Liam’s arm for help.
“Alright,” Liam said. “Too bad to break bad news to all of you. I’m a good kid. It never happened. I never fucked her. Her parents are very old-fashioned. We won’t do it until we’re married.”
“Babe!” Joanna smacked his shoulder lightly. “You told them too much.”
Everyone laughed except me. I beamed. That was the best thing I’d heard today. I tried to repeat what he just made clear. I never fucked her. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. HA. HA. HA. HA. The game went on.
“Ohmigod, he’s so drunk!” Olivia covered her laughing mouth.
Nathalie grinned. “I’m so going to record this and use it when the time comes.”
Whatever they were saying didn’t make any more sense to me. All it mattered was that Liam never fucked Joanna, even after more than a year they were dating. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.
It was after Nathalie and Daisy lost before it was my turn to choose Truth or Dare again.
This time, I chose Truth. Because if they made me drink another bottle of Somersby, I would definitely fall over.
“I know, I know!” Liam said. “Let me do this!”
Nathalie gestured. “Sure.”
“Who you’re seeing, bro?” Liam asked me.
It took me a while to process his question. Seemed pretty easy. Good friend. He must have wanted to save me from trouble. “You.”
“No!” Liam laughed. “You’ve daydreamed in class a lot recently. Who's this lucky person you’re dreaming to be with?”
I chuckled. That was easy to answer too. “You.”
Liam’s head tilted like he was a German Shepherd in confusion. “Huh?”
“I said—” The room started spinning again. In fact, it seemed to me that everybody was spinning. “You—!” I fell onto him, my lips slammed into his.
2
Monster or Friend
W hy didn’t Liam answer any of my calls? Why didn’t Liam reply to me on any social media? No matter on Facebook or Instagram, he had seen my texts, and he was constantly active every few minutes. Yet, why didn’t he put any effort to get back on both my calls and messages since all morning?
“Where is Liam, son?” my mom had asked when we were having breakfast together at home. “The food is getting cold.”
“I’ll call them again.” I had taken out my phone from my pocket and called. Again, Liam didn’t answer. “Maybe he’s just busy.”
“This is very rude, son,” Dad said, looking upset. “I thought he and Joanna were supposed to have a sleepover last night. And they’re supposed to eat with us now. Elizabeth has prepared so much food for them.”
“It’s okay, James honey,” Mom said and grabbed Dad’s hand on the table, calming him. “We can save the food for lunch if they really can’t make it.”
It wasn’t like Liam at all to be this irresponsible. He never acted like this before. This morning, when Mom and I passed by the guest room, the door was open and everything inside was left untouched. There wasn’t a single foreign belonging. Not only didn’t he sleep at my place, but he also never informed any of us about it. After breakfast, I ended up getting warned and was told to give Liam a lecture.
I got why Dad was mad. Because I was mad too by the time I got back into my room after breakfast. But I quickly convinced myself that maybe Liam had something urgent. An emergency perhaps. Maybe something happened to him or his family. After a while, I tried to call again. Just when I thought Liam had finally decided to answer my call, the call was abruptly cut off, like he had quickly pressed the X button after having my call answered accidentally. Something was wrong. I had to see him. I texted Nathalie this time. I’m coming over.
I got off my bed and went next door for Nathalie.
I opened the front door myself. We were besties enough that Nathalie had given me her house key years ago. I looked for her in the living room and then the kitchen, but no one seemed to be on the first floor. I headed up for Nathalie’s room.
I knocked on the door first, remembering that she hated intrusion without any advance warning. “Nat? Eth here.”
My phone pinged. It was a text from Nathalie. Go away. We’re no longer friends.
Huh? I looked up from my phone. “Nat, you’re in there, right?” I tried knocking again. “It’s Eth. Open up.”
Another text came. It was from her again. Fuck off.
What the hell? I knocked harder this time. “Nat!”
“Hey.” Someone touched my shoulder. Reflexively, I spun around. My fist almost landed on Theo’s face.
“Oh, sorry.” I quickly pulled my fist back. He looked like he had just woken up.
“She won’t see you,” Theo said. “She’s still mad at you.”
“Why is she mad at me?” I asked. “I did nothing.”
“I think…” He scratched the back of his messy hair. “She’s mad because you did nothing.”
That didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t make the connection. Why would I doing nothing make someone mad? “What do you mean?”
Theo narrowed his eyes at me then. “She’s mad because you didn’t tell her.”
“Didn’t tell her what?” I asked frustratedly. First, I got no answer from Liam. And now, Nathalie. “Hey, can you tell me the whole story about why she’s mad at me if you’re so sure that she’s mad at me?”
Theo yawned and stretched his arms. “Wait for me downstairs.”
I did as I was told, waiting downstairs in the living room on the couch. I tried to think about what happened last night. We were having a party here. Nathalie’s birthday party. And then there was a birthday song, a photo session, and present opening. Then, we played a game. I lost the first round and Olivia dared me to drink Somersby. I couldn’t remember anything after that. What happened after I was…. drunk?
Theo came down with a refreshed look. He wore only a singlet and sweatshorts. He went into the kitchen and brought out two cups. He passed me one.
It was warm honey-lemon tea.
“Thanks,” I said as he sat down beside me. I took a sip and put the drink on the coffee table.
“Wh-what did I do after I was drunk? I told you guys I can’t drink.”
“You really don’t remember?” Theo looked at me very carefully. He didn’t seem to believe the drunk-memory-loss shit. “Fine.” He sighed. “You told everyone you liked Liam last night. Wait, no. I’m pretty sure you said love.”
“WHAT?”
“And you’re gay. And that you dream of him. Always.”
The world seemed to shake. The sky seemed to collapse. The ground seemed to crack. I lost words except for one as I realized what was happening. “Fuck…” I dropped my back onto the couch and threw my head back. What have I done? “Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!” I slammed my fist on the couch. Liam must be avoiding me right now. That explained why he never replied or answered any of my texts or calls. He must be afraid of me right now.
“Hey,” Theo said and put his hand on my knee.
I glared at him. “What are you doing?” I realized I was trembling.
“I understand how it feels,” Theo said. He took a deep breath. “I’m gay too.”
“Oh…” That actually calmed me down a little. “Does your family know?”
“Only Sis does.” He could tell I wasn’t feeling comfortable. He removed his hand from me. I appreciated that.
“But why is Nathalie mad at me?” I asked. Because it still didn’t make sense. “It has nothing to do with her.”
“That’s the thing. It has something to do with her,” Theo said. “You’re her best friend since childhood, and you’re gay, and you didn’t fucking tell her anything about it. Anyone would be mad. I would be too. I’ll feel like I’m being lied to the whole time. I wouldn’t be talking to you right now if you were someone else.”
Wh
en Theo put it that way, it made perfect sense. It was true. I’d been telling her lies made up of dirty straight jokes. I’d been telling her stories that were never true, just so that she would never find out about my sexuality. I sighed. “What should I do then?”
“How would I know?” Theo said. “Look, I can’t help you with this. You gotta think of something. It’s your problem. Not mine.” His phone pinged. He took it out to read it. “Gotta go. My other half is here.”
I sent him out. I tried to peek to see who his boyfriend was. It was a man, in the most formal wear. He got out from the driver’s seat and opened the passenger’s door for Theo to get in. A gentleman. The man looked charming, neat, and smart. He had an attractive sharp nose. And he looked completely like a working adult. When both of them were inside the car, the man pecked Theo’s cheek without any effort to hide it. Was Theo sure his parents didn’t know? It was pretty obvious.
I went back into my house and threw myself down onto the couch. I tried to come up with some idea so that Nathalie wouldn’t be mad at me anymore. I remembered when we were little, every time she was mad and locked herself in her room, I would draw cute pictures saying that I’m sorry. I quickly went around the house to look for some papers. I drew a picture of a guy kneeling in front of a girl, begging for forgiveness. I wrote:
I won’t do it anymore, okay?
I went back to her house and slid it under her room’s door.
There was no reply. Not even through text.
I drew another one and wrote another sentence: No more secrets between us, I promise.
There was no reply again. I drew and wrote another sentence again that read: Please forgive me, Nat. I need u right now.
Finally, there was a reply. Behind one of the papers I’d sent, Nathalie wrote: But I don’t need a friend like u. Do me a favor. Fuck off.
I’d never seen her talking to me like that before. She must have been really mad. I probably should let her cool down first. I knocked on her door twice. “I’m leaving, Nat. I’m really sorry I lied to you. I really am.”
I decided to go look for Liam directly. I needed to clear things up with him as soon as possible, before things got worse between us. Just when I thought I could use my parents’ car, it wasn’t at home. No one was home. And I left my motorbike at the apartment in Buvekeli too. Taking a taxi was not an option as they hardly even existed in the area. So did Lyft or Uber.
Okay, fuck this shit. I would just go on foot. Liam was staying somewhere not too far anyway. After all, we went to the same high school. Liam’s place was on the other side of the neighborhood outside Eastville. His was called Westville. We tried to jog back and forth our houses before. The last time it took us was approximately an hour from one house to another. It wouldn’t be bad. It would just be like a workout.
I ran. It wasn’t long after that the sky, which I was sure it had been clear earlier, decided to collect clouds and pour rain on me. I didn’t bring an umbrella. But I didn’t stop or turn back. I took it as a test of will. This was nothing compared to losing my friendship with Liam.
By the time I reached Liam’s place, I was drenched. It was still raining, and the wind was so strong that it had me shivering. I sneezed.
Just when I was about to press the doorbell, the front door opened. The moment I saw Liam step out of the house, I felt a sense of relief. But the relief was gone the moment I noticed that the smile he used to wear when he saw me was gone.
“Why are you here?” he asked, his tone as cold as the weather.
I shivered again, both at the coldness and his words. Liam had never talked to me like that before. “I’m sorry, Liam, I’m really sorry. I was drunk yesterday. I have no idea or control over what I said. You knew I’d be easily drunk.”
“So it wasn’t real?” Liam asked.
I thought of how Nathalie was upset over me lying to her. If I lied to him now, it would mean that I chose to continue lying to him. And if he found out, it might reach to a point of no return. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to lie to him forever. But it was so hard to tell him the truth. All I could do was just... look at him speechless.
“It’s real, isn’t it?” Liam said. “You liked me ever since you met me. That was why you approached me back then in high school, even when we didn’t know each other to begin with. Even when we were from different classes.”
“I…” I hesitated. Liam waited for me. Waited for me to argue. To justify. But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. I wanted to say, “I just wanted us to be friends,” but that would be a lie too. Liam wasn’t stupid. He could definitely tell that I was trying to lie, especially now that my secret was out.
“Who’s that, babe?” It was Joanna’s voice from inside the house.
“Go home, Eth,” Liam said, and it hurt like hell. Liam had never called me Eth for years. He had always called me bro. It felt like a downgrade in our relationship. “I think it’s best we don’t meet anymore.” He turned and went back into the house.
“Liam, Liam!” I shouted and reached out my hand for his. Before I could reach him, he shut the door. I’d never felt so devastated.
* * *
Nathalie and Liam didn’t talk to me for five days. The holidays were almost over and soon, I’d have to get back to school. Knowing Nathalie was still mad at me, I didn’t want to bother her to drive me back to Buvekeli. I went back alone by bus.
The apartments we were living in were called Swan Hills Apartments. Our apartments were the best apartments for students in University of Buvekeli to rent. Not only was the price reasonably cheap, but it was also only a fifteen-minute walk from the campus.
Both Nathalie’s and mine were under the same landlord; a company called Jack’s Accommodation Services. Our places were like four-star hotel suites and they looked almost identical. Our apartments had a living room with nice couches, coffee table, mattress and a big wall-mounted TV. There was also a spacious kitchen too, fully-equipped with basic cooking needs. The only difference between Nathalie’s and my place was that mine had three rooms; mine, Liam’s and Samuel’s. Nathalie’s place only had two rooms; hers and Olivia’s. Each of our rooms came with a bed, a wardrobe, and a study desk.
Among Liam’s, Samuel’s and mine, my room was special. It was the master bedroom, meaning that my room was bigger than both of theirs. I remembered how Liam and I had fought for the room when we first moved in together. After a competition to see who could do the most push-ups, I won.
When I got back, there was no one in the living room. I quickly went into Liam’s room, hoping that he would be there. Nope. He wasn’t. And it wasn’t only that. All his stuff was gone; his books, his clothes, his bags, his laptop. The room was extremely neat and clean, as if someone had hired a cleaner to make sure the room was ready for a new person.
I quickly checked out Samuel’s room next. His room looked normal. All his stuff was still there like how they were supposed to be; untidy and messy like a typical busy student’s room. Samuel was nowhere to be found. Maybe he wasn’t back yet.
Did Liam move out? Why didn’t he tell me? Was it because of me? Was it because I’m gay?
Someone opened the door. I damn hoped it was Liam, but it was Samuel, carrying a few empty bags as he entered.
“Hi, Eth,” he greeted.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “Where’s Liam?”
He scratched his head while looking down, his eyes didn’t dare meet mine. “I… I was helping Liam move over to Joanna’s place.”
I suddenly felt hot, my body radiating heat as my blood boiled in anger. I shut my eyes and clenched my fists, trying to take deep breaths. Taking deep breaths was something Liam had always advised me to do whenever I was angry. But thinking of him now made me even angrier. How could he move out just like that?
“Eth…” Samuel tried to put his hand on my shoulder.
The moment his finger touched me, I snapped and threw a fist at him. Right before it landed on his nose, I managed
to stop. I knew it wasn’t his fault. I shouldn’t be punching him. It would just make everything much worse.
Samuel didn’t blame me or say anything. All he did was grab my fist and push it down. He gave me time to calm down.
“Are you going to leave too?” I asked when I was calmer. “Are you afraid of me too?”
“What is there for me to be afraid, Eth? Just because you like guys?” He snorted. “Don’t worry, okay?” He tried to put his hand on my shoulder again without any hesitation. This time, I let him. “I’m not that kind of person.”
I was touched. He was my first close friend who accepted that I was gay.
“But forget Liam, okay?” Samuel said. “He already has Joanna. You and I know he’s straight. I know it’s harsh, but it’s impossible for both of you to be together.”
Hearing that fact didn’t make me feel worse. What I’d heard from Liam himself was much worse. The pain of recalling what he’d said to me in front of his house was still as painful as when I’d first heard him a few days ago. I think it’s best we don’t meet anymore.
“Not even as friends?” I asked.
“As friends, then it’s okay.” Samuel tapped my shoulder once before he dropped his hand. “If it’s really just friends, then I won’t stop you.”
I nodded. “Just friends. That’s all I ask for.”
And it wasn’t a lie. I’d thought about it for days. Sure it would be tough and painful, but after everything that we’d been through, it would be a shame if our friendship came to an end just like this. If I wanted to keep my friendship with Liam, I had to forget about my romantic fantasy of him and move on. That would be the best option if I still wanted him in my life.
I got into my room and began to settle down. I remembered how Liam and I used to wrestle on my queen-size bed and had pillow fights. Samuel would come in and shout at us for being noisy, for disturbing his study and for being dumb and stupid for playing such a childish game. Those were great times. I wondered if we could become close friends like before.
After enough rest, I hit the gym. Secretly, I wished Liam would be there, but he wasn’t. I was glad, though. It meant that I could focus on my workout and releasing my stress. I had to clear my mind before I could start anew. I put on my earphones and began working out.
A Monster's Love Page 3