Sharing Mia

by Talia Echolls

  "So, what was this thing you wanted to tell me, though? This brilliant plan?"

  "Well, first let's ask: Are you happy at Ampersand?"

  "Yes, of course."

  "Now lovely, are you really?"

  “Yes. Why are you asking me?” I looked away. I didn't like the way they were staring at me. It kind of made me want to squirm.

  Jay put a gentle hand on my leg. "Lovely, you don't have to put on a brave front or anything. It was just a question. If you love your job, awesome. If not..."

  "If not, we want you to know that you have options."

  I sat up, really confused. First they were talking about sexual positions and now they were asking about my job? "What's this all about?"

  "Well, we were curious because you seemed to be a little out of sorts recently..."

  "As if you weren't entirely happy or yourself..."

  "And if you needed to quit your job so you could focus on something else that you would love more..."

  "Then we think you should do it..."

  I shook my head, trying to clear it. "Okay, where is all this coming from, and what do you mean ‘out of sorts?’"

  "We mean that you seemed a little bit stressed and that you've been trying to catch up," Jay said.

  I was working another hole in the cuff of my sleeve. "That's just the way I work. I get lost when I'm writing."

  "Yes, and I find that adorable, we both do, trust us," said X.

  "But there's a difference between getting lost in something that you love to do and feeling like you can't get anything done."

  "It's the difference between someone who looks dazed and happy because they're inside a dream and someone who looks lost because they don't know where they're going and are stumbling around blindly."

  I couldn't believe this. I shook my head. "Okay, why are you telling me this now? Because I brought up that I felt tension? That I wanted clear communication?"

  "Yes and no. You see, we realized something: We have never felt jealous before."

  "Ever."

  "We're usually easy come, easy go," Xavier said.

  They chuckled at that.

  "But with you, we find that we want you for ourselves..."

  "Which is exactly the opposite of the agreement that we put to you in the first place..."

  "So, we were thinking that in the interest of keeping the tension low, we wanted to propose a new thing: What if we didn't have a ‘his place’ or ‘her place’ but an ‘our place’?"

  Huh. The good thing was that they were finishing each other's sentences. At least I knew that they were on the same page again since they felt they could do that.

  As for the other thing.

  I had just moved to a new apartment. I was out of my comfort zone already with dating—let alone dating two delicious men. And now they were asking me to basically move in with them?

  Wasn't that right?

  "So, what is this? Are you both proposing that we all live together?"

  They were quick to shoot that down. "No, no, no! We were just suggesting that we have a separate space that’s ours, you know? So that we didn't have to feel so territorial and feel like we were left out of anything."

  I started to do the math. "I'm living comfortably as it is in my loft. I love it." Not to mention, my roommate was super cool.

  "And we love that you love it. We love our apartments too," X said.

  "But there's no way I can afford another bill," I said. I was just getting used to the idea of having expendable income.

  "Oh, you don't have to worry about that at all. Jay would be really good at finding something for all of us to use."

  "What do you think?"

  I was a little overwhelmed. Here I had wanted to make sure that everyone felt good and no one was left out, and the next thing I knew, they were talking about an apartment and living together. And what was that about my job?

  "So what did this have to do with the job question from before?"

  "Oh, only that if you wanted to quit, it wouldn't be a problem. We’d be able to help you out so you could focus on your business and website," Jay said.

  I heard their words, but I felt something like numbness wrap around me, muffling everything.

  "Oh. Wow."

  They hugged me between them. "We want you to feel supported."

  "And we're here for you."

  I nodded and smiled, but internally, I thought my head would explode. I knew they wanted to help and that they thought that’s what they were doing. But that was the problem. I felt like a project, not a partner, and I didn’t know how to tell them without looking ungrateful or worse, crushing their spirits.

  I gave the excuse that I wanted to change clothes and turned down their offers to help me. I put into my yoga tunic back on and wrote a quick blog for Mia Culpa. My readers had been such a great help to me before, and I wanted to see what they had to say about this development.

  CHAPTER 9

 

 

 

  THIS HAD BEEN GOING on for a few weeks now. I would tell them I was busy for as long as I could manage without them being suspicious, and then I would have dinner and sex enough to tide them over. But this arrangement couldn't last forever.

  Every now and again, Xavier or Jay would send pictures of apartment listings and other interior design things. Buildings and architecture as well. They even invited me to a few open houses, and that was cool with me because I actually liked to look at apartments and buildings.

  But then I’d dart out as soon as I could, without talking about anything or committing.

  I’d promised both of them months ago that I wouldn’t hide or ghost out. That I would speak up and tell them if anything was bothering me. But that was the problem. There wasn’t anything I could point to that I was overly bothered by.

  What did I have to complain about? These two guys who were into me thought it would be great to have a space we could have as the three of us and I wouldn’t have to worry about any extra expense.

  So why did I feel mild panic and anxiety whenever I thought about it?

  The workload at Ampersand wasn’t helping, either. They kept sneaking more work into my already overflowing task sheet. My thoughts drifted back to what Xavier and Jay had offered weeks ago. That they would support me if I decided to leave the magazine.

  The stress from work was one thing. I could manage that.

  The idea that I would accept an offer from them like that was the thing that made me want to hide. Well, run, more like. It felt uncomfortably close to the world’s oldest profession.

  Hadn’t I said that I had wanted them to be honest and communicate with me? Didn’t I owe them that, too? But how in the world could I tell them what I wanted without sounding ungrateful or horrible?

  "YOU KNOW YOU JUST HAVE to tell them: ‘Look, I'm not a pretty fuck toy that you can just keep in a cage or whatever.’" Trin crunched through her pile of chips. “Just let ‘em know, ‘Thanks, but the best way to support me is to let me do the job I love.’”

  "Okay, here's the deal. They're not expecting sex or anything, though I'm sure they want more." I crumbled a chip in my fingers, crushing it until it was a dust on my plate.

  Amy cut in. "Yeah, once a week is like a dry spell when they'd been used to three times a day with you, multiple times each." She arched her brow at me.

  "Dry spell? Lemme tell you about a dry spell." Kris said. She still could not commit to a date. I almost suggested that she work at The Multiple for a bit just to have other people touch her, even if they were part of an act.

  "Look, I love you Mia, but I don't really see why you’re so upset. They're not asking you to quit working. They're not asking you to pay for rent. They're not asking you for anything."

  "I think that's my stupid point." I destroyed another chip. "I mean, yeah I'm glad they don't have expectations or assumptions about me, but I guess that's why I have issues. They did
n't come to me with this idea that we dreamt up together. They basically just said, 'Here!' like I wasn't even part of the process.”

  "Maybe they would have included you, you don't know.” Kris pointed out. “You did say that you were writing for a few hours and they were playing pool. I mean, maybe it was literally just something they had talked about right then and there and not like a plot to make you feel inadequate."

  "I don't feel inadequate," I said glumly.

  Amy gave me her best mom voice. "Mia. Let's be honest. Why exactly are you the most upset? Because what it looks like to me is that you’re in a healthy relationship and they want to work things out with you so that there are fewer obstacles, without making you feel like a servant or obligation."

  Her words—well, one word in particular—thunked me in the chest like a runaway golf ball. I started laughing. A little chuckle that rolled into maniacal laughter that rolled into near-hysteria.

  "Oh my gosh. I can't believe that's what it is."

  "What, honey?" All three of them looked confused.

  "I'm in a relationship. I'm in a freaking complicated relationship and I didn't even know it. They started out as hotties and somehow vaulted right into boyfriend territory. And I was too dumb and blind to see it."

  "Is the relationship thing the issue?"

  "I kind of feel suffocated." As soon as I said it, I knew it was true. Did I have commitment issues? Is that what this was? How in the world did I not know that I had commitment issues? Me?

  Amy laughed at me. "Welcome to the rest of the looney bin, my friend."

  BACK IN MY APARTMENT, I sat alone on my bed. My stomach fluttered as I stared at my phone. I took a deep breath and sent the text that had been blinking there for almost an hour.

 

  CHAPTER 10

  AFTER MY TEXT, MY PHONE exploded with texts and calls I’d have rather ignored. The fact that I calmly invited them to dinner at my place and nothing more surprised even me. But it wasn’t like I wanted them to be freaked out, so that helped.

  I hadn’t realized being in a relationship was that big a deal to me. After all, wasn't that what I wanted? Belonging? Why couldn't I just be okay with people giving me stuff?

  Because I didn't feel like I deserved it.

  Man, I needed help.

  I had asked them to come to my apartment. My roommate was gone for another three-week, jet-setting photo shoot, so we would be alone. Well, we would've been alone no matter whose apartment we went to, but this felt right. Like it was my territory. It made me feel a little stronger.

  I didn't want to make it look like I’d planned an intervention or anything like that, but I also didn't want to downplay any of my feelings. After all, that was exactly what I was working on: trying to sort out how I felt and seeing if our arrangement worked for us still. There was no reason for me to be anxious.

  My door buzzer sounded.

  I spilled coffee as I poured myself a cup. Yeah, I wasn't nervous at all. I rolled my eyes as I cleaned up.

  "Come in!" Before I was mentally prepared for them, they were in my dining room. I stopped wiping up coffee just to look at them. They were more subdued than usual, but they were also mouth-wateringly hot. It was like they were bracing themselves by pulling out the best armor they could find: suits. Even Xavier, who rarely wore suits, looked comfortable and at ease.

  What the hell. It wasn't fair. And here I thought wearing my dress would be awesome and cute.

  Totally not the high ground I expected.

  I realized I was just gaping at them, so I blurted out the first thing in my mind. "I cooked!" I waved at the table and the steaming platters of food I’d spent all afternoon making. I wiggled my fingers at it all like it was some sort of magic trick.

  At least they were surprised. "I didn't know you cooked, sweet girl." Xavier kissed my forehead. It was so sweet he had my stomach in knots.

  Jay leaned in as well to kiss my cheeks, cupping my neck and gently kneading the taut muscles there. He was unperturbed that Xavier stood close with his hand on the small of my back. "It looks wonderful, lovely."

  They’d brought different kinds of wine, and I realized that I hadn’t told them what kind of menu I'd be serving. "Well, those look great."

  Without making me feel like a heel, they decided on the red wine with dinner, and the white—Moscato, my favorite—would be for dessert.

  I was touched they thought of it. "How did you know there would be a dessert?"

  Xavier chuckled, a very male sound. "It's you, sweet. There's always dessert."

  We finally found an easy rhythm and I felt like everything was fine again. We talked about our day, though skirted we around any discussion of work. They complimented the food and were surprised again that I could cook—or that I even wanted to.

  "Well, I never had a place that had a full kitchen. Since I left my parents’ house, I mean."

  They nodded. They tended not to dive in whenever I spoke about my family or childhood. Oddly, it was exactly that type of thing that I wanted to talk more about. We didn’t know anything about each other.

  Sure, we knew favorite foods and sexual positions. But when it came to what made us the people we were, there wasn’t much there. I bit my lip.

  Xavier trailed his finger over the back of my hand. Of course he could make it into an erogenous zone. "So, lovely, what did you need to talk about?" His eyes clouded over, but he wore that special smile just for me. "Nothing...bad, I hope?" He did his best to look untroubled.

  A sigh escaped my lips before I could contain it. Damn his fucking dimples.

  The worry over his face cleared for a moment as he chuckled. Leaning in to kiss me, he seemed more at ease after seeing that I could still swoon for him.

  "No. At least, I don't think it's bad." I looked to Jay, as if I could confirm it with him, even though I was the one who’d brought up the subject.

  Jay didn't look haunted anymore. I noticed a little pinching at the corners of his eyes, but only because I knew to look for it. Otherwise he seemed good. Or at least normal.

  "I feel kind of silly, so I’ll just come out and say. The conversation the other day made me wonder: Are we in a relationship?"

  I thought that was what I needed to ask them. However, the deer-in-headlights looks they gave me made me reconsider.

  Jay swallowed. "What do you mean, lovely?"

  "I mean, are we—" I gestured to the three of us "—in a relationship?"

  They looked at each other, then back at me. "Of course we are," they said in stereo. I was taken aback.

  Xavier reached for my hand. "What made you think different?"

  Now it was my turn to feel awful. Like they both knew and I didn't.

  "Well, I don't know. Like, it went from us having fun together and then all of a sudden we were talking about getting ‘our apartment.’" I fiddled with my napkin. "I was just thrown a little bit, like I didn't know what to think."

  Jay leaned back in his seat, gesturing at Xavier. "I knew she would freak out about that."

  I looked up at Jay, who met my gaze. He was always so observant. I wasn't surprised that he caught every little nuance of my emotions. He reached out for my other hand. "Lovely, I'm sorry that we were moving too fast for you. We tend to know what we want and go for it, no holding back. I, for one, know that you’re perfect for me. I’m sure X feels the same way."

  I blinked.

  "And I realize that was the wrong thing to say."

  Xavier raised his hand as if to say, ‘shut up and let me talk.’ "So what he meant to say was that we didn't anticipate needing to be formal, and thought that we could just go along at the same pace we had before."

  He brushed the hair from the side of my face.

  I inhaled sharply at his touch. He withdrew his hand.

  My napkin was completely shredded. "Please don't placate me. That's part of the problem. I get that you may not have wanted me to feel rushed and pressured. I appreciate that. But there has
to be a middle ground between ‘Whose apartment are we staying at tonight?’ and ‘Let’s buy a house together.’"

  "Lovely, if that's the issue, then there is no issue. We don't have to do any of that. It was just an idea, okay? Something we thought—” Jay stared daggers at Xavier “—would be convenient, that's all."

  I laughed until I thought I would cry. They thought convenience was buying a whole new property that was easily in the millions. Whereas I thought a group text was a little bit much.

  "And why wouldn't just going to one place or another be any more or less convenient?"

  I found myself looking at X. And I realized it was still on the table. He was still having issues when he felt like he was being left out. "Does this come back to you feeling left out or something? Are you jealous?"

  For the first time, I saw him clench his teeth, the vein at his temple throbbing. "Look, I wasn't jealous. I just felt left out, that's all. I didn't think we spent enough time alone."

  I swallowed. I owned part of that, of course. "Okay. Well, if that was how you felt, why couldn't you just say it?"

  "It seemed petty. And if I was being honest, I liked that you seemed to hang out with me more than Jay."

  It was Jay's turn to be annoyed. He stood. "I knew it. I knew that you liked it that she was with you more."

  "Hey, if it wasn't for me, she would’ve still been too afraid to even speak to you, let alone let you fuck her."

  I stood up now. "Okay, well, that was enlightening."

  Neither of them acknowledged what I'd said, though.

  "So what, I should thank you or something?"

  "Okay, let's not say anything we'll regret," I soothed.

  "Yeah, you should. If you’d listened to me, you wouldn't have gotten involved with that horrible bitch who broke your heart. Which ended up giving Mia such issues when you nearly broke her spirit with that piss-poor date."

  "Okay, now really..."

  "Horrible bitch? You mean the one you couldn't keep your hands off of?"