Unless… Unless she’d really been attracted to him all along, and it was just finally their time to be together.
Okay, no doubt it was finally their time, but he couldn’t help wondering how long the fun would last. He wasn’t the kind of guy to take things seriously, and Nicole knew that. He wasn’t the type who could be counted on to settle down, marry, have kids, do the conventional thing, and yet that was probably exactly the kind of guy Nicole wanted. The kind every woman wanted.
In fact, now that they’d had their fun, he was surprised he wasn’t already glancing at his watch every five minutes, wondering when to take his leave. It always happened that way. There was that initial period of euphoria with a new lover, followed by a brief period of contentment, followed by a series of arguments, followed by a breakup.
Not that he was cynical or anything. He just knew the pattern of his relationships. Sure, some varied a little, some had more of one part and less of another, and some fizzled without much argument at all. Some vanished into thin air as if they had never existed in the first place.
The stillness of the house, punctuated only by Nicole’s soft breathing, lulled him, but he couldn’t fall back to sleep. Ethan was wide awake now, all too aware that his relationship with Nicole was following none of the usual patterns. Why the fact had never occurred to him before—well, he’d been too busy with crazed killers and frenzied sex to stop and reflect on things much.
Maybe it was the long courtship process that had mucked things up. If one night of botched sex and two years of pining after Nicole could even be called courtship. Maybe all that pent-up desire was taking a while to work itself out between them.
But then, they’d started out with the arguing instead of the euphoria, and now they were slowly settling into intense euphoria with brief periods of bickering. Almost like…like how he supposed a storybook romance might be. If there was nothing but euphoria all the time, it wouldn’t have made a very interesting story. Well, the sex parts would be interesting, but the rest would have been a snore to read.
Whereas his relationship with Nicole seemed to be one upheaval after another. Just when he thought he’d be able to savor the euphoria, some crazy thing happened to muck it all up.
But storybook romances weren’t any more real than all the typical romances he’d had, and he briefly considered the inevitable breakup in this story. At that thought, his gut clenched, and he felt as though he might be sick. He didn’t want to lose Nicole, but he didn’t want things to become boring either.
He wanted to remember her this way, all fire and passion and intensity. In fact, if he died right now, he’d be a supremely happy man.
And he knew, when this thing with Jonas Pulatski was settled, he and Nicole would be done too. She’d walk away as soon as she could, because to her, this was a relationship that was all about sex. It was the same for him, he supposed.
He rolled onto his side and slipped his hand across her warm belly. She wasn’t wearing any clothes, and his fingertips quickly met up with her pubic hair. He brushed across it gently and dipped his hand between her thighs, then massaged there ever so softly. She immediately grew damp, the way she always did, and she shifted a little in her sleep. Her thighs parted a bit for him, and his erection strained harder against her hip.
He wanted to be inside her, but only when he was sure she was ready. He’d never woken her up with lovemaking before, but he was having a hard time imagining her being offended by the idea.
He increased the intensity of his stroking until she was impossibly slick, all the while watching her face, which remained tranquil in sleep. When he brushed his fingers across her clit, a nearly imperceptible furrow crossed her brow for a second, and when he lingered there, massaging, she sighed and moved her hips ever so slightly again.
There was no more waiting. He had to be inside her then. He moved over her, rested between her legs, then pushed gently inside her. She was tight, but so hot and wet there was little resistance to his cock. When his full length was in her, he moved slowly in and out, partly loving that she was still asleep with him able to take her this way, and partly wanting her to wake up and join him in the experience.
He loved this intimacy that came with taking her even when she wasn’t fully aware of it. The delicious sensation of it nearly caused him to shoot too soon, before he’d even had time to savor the sensations properly.
Nicole shifted her legs, spreading them wider for him even as she still slept, and then when he pushed harder into her, she sighed, and her eyes fluttered open.
She seemed to see him without comprehension for a moment. She blinked in the darkness, taking in the sight of his face over hers, becoming fully aware of his lying on her, making love to her, and then without pause she wrapped her legs around his hips and urged him to pump deeper into her.
When he dipped his mouth close to hers, she kissed him as hungrily as she had when they’d been operating under the influence of the lust potion. Her tongue licked at his, and she cupped his face in her hands as if to hold him right where she wanted him. Not that he was going anywhere.
In bed with Nicole, in her arms, it was impossible to want to be anywhere else.
NICOLE HAD NEVER WOKEN up to someone having sex with her before, and while in theory she was sure she would have protested the idea, in practice she found it so arousing she nearly came on the spot. As Ethan moved inside her, she felt herself getting closer and closer to orgasm, without any other stimulation. And she so desperately wanted more of him, wanted to taste him, feel him all over, she couldn’t get enough of his mouth. Couldn’t get enough of him, period.
“Is this okay?” he murmured against her mouth, and she could almost hear his smile. “That I was in you when you woke up, I mean?”
“Am I acting offended?” she asked, then kissed him again.
“No,” he said, breaking the kiss only enough to speak. His lips were still brushing hers. “I couldn’t resist. You looked so beautiful lying here in the dark, felt so warm and good…”
“I can’t think of anything better to wake up to,” she said, then trailed off into a moan as he thrust in deeper again.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she whispered, then kissed him.
It was true. There was nothing better than this. Nothing better than right now. Nothing better than being with Ethan, anytime, any place, doing anything. Not just having sex.
Even in the midst of all this distracting sensation, the thought occurred to her that they’d managed to be incredibly happy together in spite of the Pulatski situation. In spite of their lives being in danger, these days with Ethan had somehow been some of the best of her life.
Perhaps it was actually the danger of the situation that made them so hyperaware of the good things, so able to appreciate them.
Yeah, that had to be it.
And then Ethan flipped her over and settled her on top of him, braced her hips and began thrusting into her again with her straddling him. She could only be in this moment, in these sensations that were blowing her mind, making her want and ache and desire as she never had before.
He quickened the pace, and his own gasps told her he was close to orgasm. She clenched her inner muscles around him, felt the rising tension of her own approaching climax, and then gave in to it. Her body quaked, pleasure rocked her, enveloped her, washed her mind clean of thoughts.
She cried out, insensible sounds that mingled with Ethan’s as he, too, began quaking with release. He spilled into her, and she caught the delicious sensation of his come shooting inside her.
And then she froze. There had been very few times she’d ever experienced that sensation, and even then, only in long-term relationships in which she’d trusted her lover completely and they’d accidentally run out of condoms—and she’d been taking the pill. The rest of the time, she’d always been too paranoid about pregnancy and STDs to take any risks.
Her gaze met Ethan’s, and he caught the distress in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he said, still a little breathless.
“I’m not taking birth control, and you’re not wearing a condom.”
“Oh, hell,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I got caught up in the moment and totally forgot. I swear, that never happens….”
She pulled away from him and sat on the bed, putting some distance between them as her mind reeled at the implications.
So this was how it happened. This was how she would go from being a responsible woman in complete control of her life to being just another Arroyo woman who’d let her passions screw up everything. She felt her eyes stinging. She was overreacting, but she couldn’t help it. She was paralyzed with anger at herself for letting something so stupid happen.
She should have noticed the more intense sensations of having sex with no condom. She should have stopped them from going too far.
“Is it…a bad time of month?” he asked, placing a hand on her thigh.
She pulled her leg away, scrambling to think when she’d had her last period. It had been at least three weeks, maybe closer to four.
“No,” she finally said. “I don’t think so. I think we’re probably safe from an accidental…” She couldn’t even say the word. Pregnancy.
It wasn’t that pregnancy was the end of the world. With the right guy, she could see herself someday maybe having a baby. Or not. But this definitely wasn’t the right time, or the right guy, and to think how close she’d come to being a carbon copy of her sisters and her mother terrified her.
“Oh good. And I promise you I’m clean, okay? I had a full physical with blood work about five months ago. I got a clean bill of health. And I haven’t put myself in any compromising situations since then…until now,” he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice as he tried to lighten things up a bit.
But it wasn’t working. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m clean too.” Her last checkup had been nearly a year ago, but her sex life, other than the boat guy, hadn’t exactly been active in the past year. Dormant like an ancient volcano was more like it.
And then all of a sudden she’d erupted. With disastrous results.
“Look, Nicole. I’m really sorry about my little slip-up, and I promise it won’t happen again…unless you want it to. I mean, it did feel incredible to, you know…”
“Yeah, but I’m not on the pill at the moment—I let my prescription lapse for a while and I won’t start taking it again for a week or two.”
“Hey, I can wait—”
“I’d have to get some kind of protection, and let’s face it, our relationship could be over any day now,” she blurted without thinking about what she was saying or how it might sound to Ethan’s ears.
But it was true. She knew that as soon as Pulatski was caught, there wouldn’t be any reason for them to be in each other’s lives, and Ethan was definitely not the kind of guy who wanted to take things seriously. He’d made that abundantly clear.
“Oh,” he said stiffly. “Well, sure, if that’s how you feel. But the offer still stands, you know, just in case.”
“Sure.” And she wanted to feel him that way again. Desperately wanted it. There was nothing quite as sensual or intimate as the feel of flesh against flesh in that most private region.
But feeling how precariously close to the edge she’d gotten, how dangerous it was to make decisions based on passion, she knew she had to get away from him as fast as she could. She knew their relationship could go no further than this. Right here, right now. It had to be the end of their sexual involvement.
In that instant, she knew it with the heaviest, most miserable kind of certainty.
And somehow, she had to tell him. “Ethan, we can’t do this anymore.”
“Of course. I’d never want you getting pregnant accidentally. I’ll use a condom from now on every single time, okay?”
“No, I mean sex in general. We have to stop it now. I just can’t deal with the consequences.”
In the shadowy darkness, with the faintest light from a street lamp pouring in through the window, she could see the disappointment on his face. Could sense it in the air between them.
But on this one point, there was no way she could allow herself to back down. No matter whose heart might get bruised. Or even broken.
Had they entered broken heart territory already? So soon? Had they really come to a place already where they could leave permanent scars on each other’s lives?
Somehow, Nicole knew they had. She understood more than ever now that whether it be for good or bad, Ethan had the power to rock her world.
15
OF ALL THE SCREW-UPS in his life, Ethan had a good sense that the no-condom thing with Nicole had been the crowning achievement of his failures. She had some kind of weird family-related issue with being in control, never making a mistake, never taking even the slightest risk of getting pregnant.
And he respected her for that. If everyone was so responsible, there would be no unwanted pregnancies in the world. But Nicole seemed a little more hell-bent than anyone else he’d ever been with.
Ethan stared out the window at the brilliant sunshine, and in an instant he knew he couldn’t sit inside this damn house brooding for another day. They needed to get out, soak in some rays, get a change of scenery. Surely there could be occasional mental health breaks from their prison.
He’d made some progress in his research on a story his editor had asked him to cover, in spite of having Nicole around driving him to distraction all the time. And he’d done a decent job of keeping up with his work from home all week.
But being sequestered like this was beginning to feel pretty pointless when there hadn’t been the slightest sign of Pulatski in a couple of days, not since the second voodoo doll incident. The police had no leads, other than having discovered that the blood on the doll was from a cow—probably from a local butcher—and there hadn’t been so much as a strange bump in the night at his house since the calls stopped. Probably Nicole intimidated even the mice too much for them to come anywhere near.
Behind him, he could hear Nicole sit down on a bar stool, and he turned to find her sipping a cup of coffee. Things had been tense between them since the no-condom incident last night, and while they’d both eventually fallen back to sleep, it had been a fitful rest. Nicole hadn’t said a word all morning.
No more sex. That’s the last thing she’d told him. She didn’t want to make love to him anymore, and he was trying not to take it personally. But the truth was that it felt like a monumental rejection. As though the moment he realized what a great thing they had together, she snatched it away.
It hurt. But what did he expect from a woman who’d spent two solid years putting him off, telling him no? Did he really think it was realistic to expect that all of a sudden she’d give him nothing but yes?
When he took into account their history, it was easy to see that there wasn’t much chance for them to last more than the explosive week they’d had. And he was going to have to be happy with what she’d been willing to give him—which was a hell of a lot better than the nothing she’d given him for so long.
He was just pissed at himself for blowing it. He’d accidentally found her Achilles heel—the pregnancy thing—and he’d cut it, thereby screwing things up for himself.
He was, if nothing else, a royal goddamn screwup.
But there was no sense sitting around dwelling on his inadequacies.
“Any chance we could escape the house for the day? Maybe go down to the beach or something just to get out and enjoy the nice weather?”
Nicole took another drink of her coffee before answering. “I’m not sure. I mean, well… I don’t see why not. I’ll have someone tail us and keep an eye on things wherever we go.”
“You’re serious? I thought you’d tell me no.”
“Sure, let’s do it. I’m getting tired of being stuck inside. And I’m beginning to wonder if that voodoo doll thing wasn’t just some kind of sick prank pulled by God-knows-wh
o.”
“Great,” he said. “So let’s go.”
If he couldn’t have sex with Nicole, at least he could go do something else fun with her to keep his mind off what they were missing out on. And the more he was around her, the more he realized how much he did enjoy her company out of bed. When she let down her guard, she was, quite honestly, the most disarming woman he’d ever met.
Now if he could just convince her he wasn’t a complete dolt…
Not that it mattered. Good things always came to an end, but he found himself wishing she could be more than his lover. He found himself wanting her as a companion and a friend.
NICOLE COULDN’T REMEMBER the last time she’d been to the beach boardwalk. It was a relief to get out of the house after the tense morning at home with Ethan. She needed the fresh air, the sunshine and the distractions that a change of scenery provided. Anything but more dwelling on her own miserable thoughts. It was Friday already—she’d been staying at Ethan’s house for almost a week, and still no progress had been made on the search for Pulatski.
Ethan and she walked together along the open sidewalk that passed amusement park rides, tourist shops and arcades. Nicole wasn’t sure why she felt the need to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl at this stage of her life, but when she spotted it, she dragged Ethan to the nearest ticket booth and bought them both a ride.
Maybe it was the way Ethan had gotten her used to feeling off balance that made her want to go even further with the tilted feelings.
“You can’t possibly expect me to ride that bloody thing,” Ethan said, looking appalled.
“You can’t possibly be afraid of such a tame ride. Are you?” She smiled a teasing smile, and he narrowed his eyes at her.
“Are you taunting me?”
“No. I’m daring you to admit you’re a big wuss.”
A Whisper Of Wanting Page 14