by Tara Spears
She stopped her incessant hissing and glared at me.
“Move... I’ll do it.” She shoved me out of the way and set to making coffee, all the while shooting daggers at me.
At least the girl could multi-task, I thought dryly.
“You have some explaining to do,” she said in a calmer tone as she switched on the coffee maker. Kelly turned towards me, resting her butt against the counter as she crossed her arms over her breasts.
“Yes, as do you,” I replied, rubbing my wrist noticeably.
Her eyes floated to the movement then up to my face before she sighed in resignation. She really was a pretty girl. Chocolate eyes a shade lighter than her bouncy shoulder length hair. She had a womanly body, the type that when you ran your hands over her she would be soft and pliant everywhere. She needed to do something about her ghastly wardrobe though. Chunky red sweater and loose fitting jeans did nothing for her figure, and the red converse sneakers had to go.
I leaned against the opposite counter waiting for the coffee to brew, my fingers thrumming the wood cabinet behind me.
“Why did you run out on him? Was it because of me?” she asked tremulously.
“No, well... maybe a little. Fear of the unknown,” I said, and Kelly looked at me confused. “I won’t go into details of the why... let’s just say I thought I was the more fucked up of the two of us, and I did it to protect Justin as much as myself.”
She thought about this as she retrieved bright yellow coffee cups from an upper cabinet.
“You said fear of the unknown...”
“Mm-hm, you had mentioned it’s hard for Justin to like anyone?”
She nodded, but didn’t elaborate.
“Well... me too. I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than a night.”
The admission to a total stranger sent a shiver racing down my spine. I worked hard to ignore the ice trying to set my muscles to twitching. I refused to breakdown, even a little, in front of her. Caught up in my own problem, it took me a minute to notice Kelly was standing slack jawed, staring at me with the mugs still in her hands.
“I think the coffee’s done,” I pointed out, breaking her from her trance.
She set the mugs down, and poured. “Never? You’ve never been in a relationship?” She handed me one.
“Thanks.” I took a sip and let the heat course downward. “No, and I hope that answer has you understanding why I left the way I did, and maybe why I came back.”
“You left because you were afraid, and I get that, but why did you come back?” She sipped her coffee, made a face, and set it down. She spooned in sugar from a cut crystal bowl near the coffee maker, and stirred with the same spoon.
“Truth?” I asked.
She set the spoon down, nodding over her shoulder.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was driving me crazy.”
She turned around, and smiled. “I suppose that’s the best reason anyone could give in all honesty. It doesn’t explain why you’re still here though,” she said pointedly.
“We talked, and I stayed.”
“For how long this time? Two days... three? Just long enough for him to fall back apart? You’ll leave and I’ll have to pick up the pieces again,” she said crossly, snatching the sponge from the sink and wiping the counter snappily before tossing it against the backsplash. Her little outburst showed me she was mightily protective of Justin. I realized it wouldn’t be only myself and Justin in this, but Kelly as well.
I set my coffee down on the counter as I studied her worried expression. “No, I’m here for the weekend. I know about Justin’s insecurity issues, and I’m not going to intentionally hurt him again. At least I hope not. No one can guarantee what will happen in the future, and I can’t say one, or both of us, won’t muck things up down the road. He and I... we both have our problems. We might be perfect for each other, or we might kill each other.” I lifted my shoulders, picked up my mug, and headed to the table.
“You think that’s funny?”
I shook my head as I sat down. “No, a little ironic maybe,” I said over the yellow rim then shook my head again before tipping the mug to my lips.
I couldn’t stay the night with anyone, and he would have trouble every time I left. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. I had spent the night with Justin, and survived quite handily. Of course I had been on the verge of alcohol poisoning. However I had been inebriated with Freddie too, and look how that ended.
Lost in my own mind I hadn’t realized Kelly was jabbering, so when I spoke I ran right over her. “He’s MD isn’t he?”
She stopped in mid-word, closed her mouth and nodded.
“Is he truly manic or bipolar?”
“Manic,” she said. “When he stays on his meds and works to keep his life simple, he’s a really cool guy. Fun, easy to be around—”
“But when he goes out of his normal...” I knew exactly what that meant. Disaster.
She shifted in her chair, staring at her coffee. “I couldn’t have been more upset when he brought you to the party. You looked like trouble. I saw the color on his cheeks, and the way he smiled at you... I just knew he was going to get hurt.” Her hands strangled her mug.
“But then, I noticed how you softened when you talked or looked at him, and I thought maybe... just maybe he had finally found someone. Then you ran off on him after I warned you.” She lifted her head, and glared at me.
“He seemed okay. Upset, hurt, but okay. A few minutes after you left his father called and Justin went into the guest bath and closed the door. Soon he was yelling on his phone. We gave him his privacy and went outside to clean the yard. When we came back in, no Justin. He was locked in the guest bath and wouldn’t answer us. Somehow Garret managed to break the door down.” Her eyes wrinkled, and she bit her lip for a second. “We, um, found him in the empty tub covered in blood, his phone smashed on the floor.” She dropped her head into her hands as her shoulders began shaking.
I set my mug down and went to her, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. She turned into my stomach, clutching my shirt. I pulled her up and against my chest.
“He was so pale. You know... it’s different when you see it in person,” she said in a soft wail.
“I know. Your mind takes a snapshot and shows it to you over and over, as if you’re not allowed to forget.”
She nodded, sniffling into my shirt.
“Trey?” Justin called hoarsely from the living room.
“Kitchen,” I answered.
Kelly huddled in closer as if I could hide her from him. As he came around the corner and saw her crying in my arms, his eyes narrowed while his hands plucked at his pajama bottoms nervously. The last time he had found us together had ended badly, and I could only imagine what was going through his head right now.
“Come here,” I mouthed as I ticked my head, gesturing him to me. He came over looking tired and confused.
I leaned in so I could whisper to him. “You scared her and she’s really worried about you. You need to let her know you’re okay.”
I removed my arms from around her, gently tugging my shirt from her grasp before moving her into Justin’s arms. She went willingly, clinging to him, as she began crying for all she was worth. I ran my hand down his back, planting a light kiss on his cheek, before removing myself to the living room.
Chapter Thirteen
An hour later, Justin, Kelly, and I were in kitten headed to the U.W. campus. Lake Washington’s blue-grey surface rollicked below us, heaving up white caps. Wind whipped over the bridge, filling the orange windsocks, and buffeting a puke-green Prius around in front us like a piece of trash. I ignored the no-passing zone and zoomed around the Prius, kitten’s heavy body cutting through the gale heedlessly.
Justin leaned over and whispered in my ear, “You ever going to let me fuck you in this sexy car?”
I grinned as I shoved him in the chest. “You know my rules. Get back in your seat.”
He returned
the grin, settling back against the door, as he twisted his choppy hair between his fingers. I loved seeing his playful side re-appearing.
“I don’t know... maybe.” I shot him a sideways glance. His grin widened and he bit his lower lip. “When we’re old and grey,” I added, and Kelly chortled in the back seat.
“All right, on your fiftieth birthday then,” Justin said.
“I might be in a walker, but it’s a deal.” I chuckled.
“She is a sexy car, Trey,” Kelly said.
“She’s just a tease though,” Justin tossed over his shoulder.
“What?” Kelly leaned up between the bucket seats. “You’ve never had sex in your car?”
“NO.” I shook my head emphatically.
“Not even a blow job, or jacked off in here?” she asked in awe.
“That’s a rather personal question don’t you think? But the answer is still no.”
“I’ve seen you naked for God’s sake. That’s about as personal as it gets,” she said, amused. “That’s amazing. All this black leather and power and you’ve never done it in here.”
“When did you see me naked?” I peered at her in my rearview mirror.
“Well, not completely naked, but I saw your willy at the party.” She smiled lewdly. “Why are all the big ones gay...” she speculated as she flopped back against the seat, not really expecting an answer.
Justin and I shared a look. “Because it’s all about the cock,” we answered in unison.
“Women are messy,” I added.
“Clingy.” Justin giggled at his own joke about his insecurities.
“Take to long,” I said.
“To concerned with appearances,” Justin countered.
Kelly snorted softly. “You’re telling me if Trey had been covered with acne, wore glasses, had a huge nose, and looked like a clown you would have still fallen for him?”
“Depends.” Justin turned, leaning his elbow over the headrest as we roared onto I-5.
“On what?” she asked mockingly.
“A lot of things. Attraction for one, and I don’t mean physical. If he made me tingle, made me feel like I was the only one in the room, took my breath away with just a look, made me laugh, could make me blush—”
“Trey made you blush?” she asked.
I glanced over at him and he was resting his cheek on his hand, looking at me as dreamily as a guy could get.
“Yeah, he did,” he said breathily.
I felt my face warm and I was sure I was the one blushing now. What he had just said made me feel wanted for more than just my body. It was exhilarating— and it scared the hell out of me at the same time.
Justin and Kelly stayed in the car while I ran in to pack a bag for the weekend. It was the first time I had ever done it, and I had to stop several times to think. What did I need? Razor, shaving cream, comb, toothbrush, I stared at my scrub brush for several minutes, and in the end dug out the soft bristled body brush from the bottom drawer of the vanity.
I had used it once and it was too soft, so I had chucked it in the drawer with all the other crap I never used. I could pass it off as exfoliating if Justin saw me scouring with it. But I hoped it wouldn’t get to that.
I ran through the bag’s contents and I was reasonably sure I had everything. At the door I paused, looking back over my room. Suddenly I couldn’t move. Fear crawled icily over my back as my hands began to shake. Oh God, what was I doing? I was putting all my faith in someone I really didn’t know. What if I lost control? My mind took hold of me and I couldn’t get free. He’s unstable, you’re unstable, how stupid can you be.
I was half in and half out of my room, frozen in limbo. I knew I could go back into my room, but I didn’t know how to break out and move forward. How I wished I had let Justin come in with me. Somehow I knew he could break me free of myself.
“Mr. Grey, a word please?”
My eyes shifted to the voice and caught Mr. Capri striding down the hall towards me. My blood thundered through my body, and the trance broke. I stepped into the hall, closing my door firmly behind me. I leaned heavily against it as I worked to catch my running breath.
“You missed your classes last Friday, and another today, Mr. Grey. Care to tell me why?” he asked, inspecting me, surely to see if I had harmed myself again.
I fought for control of my lungs. “I’m current in all my classes right now,” I told him as my breathing finally began to steady.
“Yes, very impressive that you caught up so quickly, but we need to know where you are. At least for awhile,” he reminded me.
It was part of my psychiatric parole. I needed to let either the Dean or Mr. Capri know when I planned to miss a class. I’d forgotten, possibly on purpose.
“Sorry, Sir. Truthfully, last Friday I was nursing a hangover, and today I went to the chiropractor before my therapy appointment. Right now I am going to help a sick friend, and won’t be back until first thing Monday morning.”
Justin wasn’t exactly sick, but one never knew when he might need an extra day or two. And this version allowed me that leeway should Justin or I ever need it.
He nodded, smiling humorously as he stroked his chin. “I appreciate your honestly, Mr. Grey. Just... tell me or Dean Williams if you intend to miss any classes, please.”
“Yes, Sir.” We both turned away, relieved to be going our separate ways.
I hadn’t even made it down the concrete steps before Justin bolted from the car and rushed to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked, running his hands over my face.
“I look that bad?”
I fought the need to break down right there. I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to him and he was already worrying over me. No one had worried about me in a very long time, and I felt myself wanting to lean into him and just disappear.
“You’re pale and sweating. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I shook my head rigidly. “Just had to fight a demon.”
He took my bag and set it down, then enveloped me in his arms. With a shudder I clung to him.
“I’m here,” he whispered.
Those two words, so simple, set a bomb off inside me that caused my body to shake violently. Justin’s arms tightened around me, and slowly he warmed the chill from my bones.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” My voice rattled out.
His head tipped as he nuzzled my neck. “Yes, more than anything.” He pulled back and looked at me with gentle, steady eyes.
“Try to remember you said that tomorrow morning,” I said quietly.
Justin’s lips settled on mine, moving tenderly. The touch was like a sedative, and my body calmed as my mind stilled. This was why I needed him. Why I wanted him. It had been there last weekend, and I had felt it but I hadn’t known what it was. Justin— he gave me peace.
He drew back, “I won’t forget.” He smiled. “Besides, if we need them I have really good drugs, remember?”
I nodded, managing a haphazard grin. He took my hand as he picked up my bag.
The rest of the evening was complete normal perfection. The three of us devoured a bucket of chicken then snuggled on the couch as we watched The Lucky One. Kelly cried, Justin tried not to, and I teased them both.
Justin and I made out in the shower, touching, and discovering, and not letting it go any further. It was the most sensual experience of my life. I fell asleep snuggled against him in a haze of euphoria, completely forgetting the fact I hadn’t talked to him about what might wake up next to him when morning came.
* * * * *
I opened my eyes to the sun streaming across the beige frieze carpet, and I felt the panic rise even though I knew where I was. I knew whose arm lay across my waist, and whose breath fanned my shoulders. I felt my muscles contracting as evil, unwanted emotions took hold of me. Fear of the unknown crackled through my mind, anger seethed over my inability to control my own body, and panic’s manic laughter set every nerve on end, making my muscles quiver
with the need to flee.
I gripped the edge of the bed, working on staying still. My mind began slipping into the shadows and I tried to fight against it. God damn it, I could do this.
“Trey, relax.” Justin’s voice, Justin’s arms cradling me.
“Ahhwwm.” My hold on the mattress tightened as Justin found my other hand. I clamped down around it, using it as an anchor to keep myself from drifting.
“I’m here... Oh, baby, what happened to you?”
His voice held me, and I felt myself being tugged from the shadows. I think I whimpered when he began stroking my hair. I concentrated on the movement of his fingers, the feeling of his arm lashed around me, and his wondrous enigmatic scent.
Slowly my muscles unfurled, and my body shuddered as the fear released me. Justin must have felt the change as pulled the blanket snugly around us, and held me until I was quiet again.
I rolled over, and he moved. His face churned with emotions. It wasn’t difficult to recognize pity, sorrow, and anger among them.
“You still want to do this?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
His eyes flashed as his lips thinned. “Baby, I’m not leaving you because someone did something horrible to you once.”
I drew in a shaky breath. “More than once,” I admitted. Bringing my hands up and rubbing them over my face. I wanted to hide more than anything.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” He eased my hands down.
I lowered my chin, leaning my head against his chest. “Not right now, ask me again later and... I’ll, um, try.”
I felt his lips in my hair.
He dragged in a breath. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
* * * * *
That afternoon we walked through the gardens at Kelsey Creek Park hand in hand. Justin kept stopping to release the struggling spring buds from their sheaths. He was very compassionate about the flora and I found it an engaging trait of his. We continued towards the white gazebo set upon the hill overlooking the gardens.
I had been trying to think of how to tell Justin about my past all morning. I wasn’t any closer to an answer now than I had been this morning. But he needed to know.