by KB Winters
Soon.
***
When I woke up on the fourth day, I vowed that under no circumstances would I think about Ethan for the rest of the day. He hadn’t called or texted, which told me we had nothing to discuss. And I’d find a way to be fine with it, starting with a visit to some of my favorite people on the planet. The residents of Sunshine Daze.
I walked through the doors carrying boxes filled with pastries and fresh fruit juice I’d picked up on the way over. “Hey troublemakers, what’s shaking?”
I smiled when the table in the corner erupted in cheers. I loved all the people who lived in the village but those were like family to me. “Nothing but trouble,” Edith offered with a saucy, stop sign red smile. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Work has kept me busy,” I explained and held up the stack of boxes. “But I brought treats so we could catch up.”
“Oh honey you know not much changes around here. Unless of course the fact that Martha has decided to let Clifton tie her up in the binds of matrimony.”
It took a second for her words to sink in but when they did, I turned slightly and stared at Martha and Clifton, sitting side by side, wearing matching pink cheeks. They sat close but not too close, probably how most people did it. But Martha couldn’t maintain her stoic expression and a smile spread from one cheek to the other and she showed me the ring. “It’s true Misha, we’re getting married!”
She looked so happy and Clifton looked pleased as punch to have his ring on her finger. I jumped out of my seat and gathered them both in a big, choking hug that probably cracked a few old people bones. “I am so happy for both of you! When is the big day?” Martha told me all about the proposal—on a dinner cruise—and her plans for the wedding and I kept on a beaming smile because I was genuinely happy for them. Truthfully, I envied them, to experience the kind of loss they both had and still have the strength to do it again. I wasn’t sure I was that brave, then again, I doubted I’d have to worry about it. Men weren’t really my thing. Relationships and I had never gotten along and marriage was the ultimate relationship.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for that kind of life. It might, of course, have something to do with my awful taste in men. Men like Ethan who were beautiful and brilliant, but also damaged. The relationships were always the same. I wanted them with a fevered desperation I never knew existed and they want me back. Only, not really me. They were addicted to how I made them feel—big and strong and powerful—and that was a lesson I learned quickly.
It didn’t matter who gave them that feeling because it was the feeling, not the person. And it went from perfect to hell in a matter of weeks, sometimes a matter of months. It depended on how long it took me to need—just sometimes—for things to be about me. Sometimes I needed to vent, to have a bad day. To cry. And with guys like that, I never could.
“Did you hear me, Misha? I’d like you to be one of my bridesmaids.”
I blinked at Martha’s words and looked to her. “Yeah I would love to be a bridesmaid. Does this mean Edith will be planning the bachelorette party?”
“You’re damned right I am! I already have it all mapped out, starting with cocktails and spa treatments.” Edith looked so proud even though we all knew there were male strippers in our collective future.
I spent most of the afternoon at Sunshine Daze, helping pick out colors and dresses, and promising to get the flowers all sorted before the wedding. “I’ll email you a few options after talking to the florist,” I promised and made my way back home to indulge in freshly made seven-layer dip and spicy tortilla chips. It wasn’t the most exciting night of my life but it was peaceful. Lonely but peaceful.
When day five began, I woke up ready to throw my final goodbye to Ethan Mahoney into the Pacific. But an early morning text dashed that thought with a message to meet him at the private airstrip as we flew across the country for his fourth interview. Wake Up, America was the most watched morning program in the country and if he nailed this, which he would, it wouldn’t matter how his interview with Samantha Stevens went.
Still Ethan had pretty much ignored me on the flight over, booking my own room and leaving me to my own devices until the next morning when he rapped on my door and quickly turned away. Apparently, he couldn’t even look at me, and I wouldn’t force him to. We stood side by side in the elevator as the numbers lit on the way down, nothing but silence tethering us. It was the heavy, oppressive silence though and any thoughts I had about breakfast were dashed by the churning in my gut.
The fucked up sensation right there, was why I’d planned to steer clear of love. How could we stand here like strangers after the things we’d done together? The things we shared? I knew what he looked like as his body filled with pleasure, how he tasted first thing in the morning. How Katarina’s death had torn him apart. We’d shared those things and now…this?
I kept quiet as we entered the studio, keeping my distance until just before they went live. “You’ve got this, Ethan. You can do this, I know you can.” His blue gaze was sharp, a mask of nothingness as he nodded and turned away, stalking to set like he couldn’t wait to get away from me.
I barely watched the segment, even on the monitor just behind a large camera. I could see smiles and laughter, from Ethan as well as the hosts, but none of their words registered. All I could see was the man he probably was before he’d outed Samantha Stevens’ husband on live television. So charming and in control, so certain of himself and his place in this world. That man was back.
With a vengeance apparently.
“Ethan some people are wondering if your relationship with Katarina Shipova was just a ploy to dodge the media firestorm.” Wake Up America golden boy, Jason Kellerman asked in that way meant to sound smart but really made him sound like the gossip hound he was.
For a moment, I thought he might crack, but he didn’t. The man was a professional and he pasted on his most polite smile and gave his answer. “People like you are exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it. But you people, you think you can have it all, every piece of me. Well, you can’t. Believe what you will, because you will anyway.” Ethan shook his head, a clear sign to anyone that knew him that he wasn’t done. “A very smart person helped me realize that not talking about it does Katarina a disservice. People should know how she suffered, the lengths she went to so that they can see the signs in their own loved ones. So, if this helps, I’m glad. If you think you’re entitled to more, too bad.”
A moment of tension sizzled through the other hosts, all of them shocked into an uncomfortable silence at the passion in his words. Jason however, had dreams of being a real journalist and he snapped back into the lion’s den. “Does this mean you won’t be apologizing to Samantha Stevens anytime soon?”
“I have given her one already. In private. She is as entitled to her privacy as I am, even though she spends her job digging into the private lives of other people.” To the casual observer, Ethan looked as cool as you please. He leaned back in the iconic orange chair, ankle crossed over one knee with a serene expression on his face. But anyone who knew him could identify the signs of stress that pulled thin starburst lines out from the corners of his eyes and mouth. As soon as his segment ended and they cut for commercial, Ethan was on his feet, shaking hands and leaving dust clouds as he fled the studio.
I didn’t bother trying to catch up this time. His rejection hurt like hell the last time and now that I knew the score, I wasn’t eager to experience it again. After shooting off a quick text telling him I’d meet him at the airport in the morning, I did some re-exploring. This place had once been my home, but now, New York felt foreign to me. The sights and sounds were familiar, the energy intoxicating. But it wasn’t home. Not anymore.
New York was too close to him, I decided. When my time with him ended, I could go a lot farther away than New York. But right now, it was the perfect place to get lost for a few hours among the masses. I didn’t have to worry about anything but not getting trampled by people
constantly in a hurry to get nowhere.
I stopped at a hot dog stand, falafel cart and a gourmet ice cream wagon, all before dinner and without a lecture on nitrates and other chemicals. I fucking hated it.
But I was determined not to hate it, so I stopped at a Chinese buffet for dinner, taking my sweet time to sample a little bit of everything. Sure, I was stalling but being out in the world was better than having just a wall separate me from Ethan, especially when there was already a giant wall between us. I ate until I was stuffed and then I walked around the city until I was hungry again, only then going back to my room for a couple hours of restless sleep before I showered and headed to the airport.
“I wasn’t sure if you were coming,” he grunted when I finally took a seat on the other side of the cabin.
Hoping I wouldn’t, is more like it but I didn’t bother saying so. Instead of getting pissy, I pulled out my travel book and began to research all the places I could go when my contract with Ethan ended. By the time the wheels touched down in Burbank I had narrowed it down to New Zealand or a few of the Galapagos Islands.
I stepped off the plane and I could see the rigid set of Ethan’s shoulders and I knew the time had come. I could have rushed right past him on my way to the taxi stand to delay the inevitable, but I slowed down, giving him the chance to reach out to me if he wanted to. “Misha, wait up.”
I stopped right where I was but I didn’t turn. I couldn’t. Looking at him would hurt like hell but I knew I had to do it. I’d make him look me in my eyes while he did it, though. “What’s up?”
“I’ve gone as far as I’m going to with this arrangement so,” he sighed and raked a hand through his hair while steadfastly avoiding my gaze. “So, I’m not going to be needing your services any longer.”
“At all?” I hoped he just needed a few days to himself, to unwind and cool down but I already knew. He wanted out.
“Yeah. I don’t need you anymore.”
Ouch. And just like that it was done. We were done. I could have argued that he still needed me. I could have begged and pleaded with him to reconsider and if he’d given me any reason to hope, maybe I would have. But the grim determination on his face told me it would have been useless, so I saved my energy to get through this goodbye and make it home without falling apart. “Right. Okay. Good luck, Ethan. With everything.” I picked up my bag and strode past him, head held high in a show of bravado I didn’t feel. I carried myself on wooden legs to the taxi bay, holding it together until my front door was behind me.
Then I slid down to the floor and buried my head in my hands, crying over another heartache. Another disappointment.
Another fucking mistake.
Another lesson I needed to learn.
Again.
Seventeen
Ethan
“What do you mean ‘you let her go’?” Jax roared at me, his face twisted in a dark, thunderous scowl just inches from my face. “You still have the Stevens interview next week!”
“I’m well aware of when it is.” I damn well knew, but I couldn’t have Misha around anymore. She had that look in her pretty green eyes, the look of a woman in love. Maybe she was in the early stages of falling in love with me but either way, it was a look I knew well and wanted no part of. It was too bad, really. I hated to do it to her. Unlike most women, I liked Misha. I liked spending time with her, laughing with her. And I loved being naked with her, she was passionate and inventive, adventurous and so damn giving. My cock was already at half-mast just thinking about her. I’d miss it all, but it was better for both of us if I broke it off now. Before either of us got too attached. “I aced those interviews so she did her job. It was time for both of us to move on.” Which was another problem I couldn’t settle in my mind. What if this was all part of her script with male clients? With doubts like that, I knew I’d done us both a huge favor.
Roc frowned and I had a feeling I didn’t do as good a job as I thought at hiding my emotions from my oldest brother. Roc saw through bullshit easily and he had a better than average detector for my particular brand of bullshit. “It’s time to move on? Did you make a move on her, Ethan?”
I don’t know. Did she make the first move or was it me who leaned in to make contact? I didn’t know. All I knew was that we had done a lot of moving. “I wouldn’t put it that way, no. Maybe she made the move, did you ever think of that? Maybe this was part of her bag of tricks to “fix me”.” I knew I sounded like an asshole but I struck out just as any cornered animal would.
“Don’t even think it,” Jax yelled, his voice as threatening as his finger inches from my eyes. “Blitz said he tried, hard, and she shut him down every single time. If something happened, that’s between you and Misha, but if you need to feel better about whatever you’ve done, then tell yourself what you need to. I’m out of here.”
I watched Jax make his way across the room, angry at me, his brother, over a woman only one of us had slept with. I think. “It’s done. Been done for two weeks.” It had taken me a week to get over the vacant look on her face as she tried hard not to react to my words. Another moment of regret flashed in my mind when I thought of all the other women who hadn’t bothered to shield their emotions from me, hoping a show of tears or a verbal declaration would change my mind. Misha hadn’t done any of that. Instead, she sent me the form ending the contract early, rather than bringing it to me herself and she hadn’t made any attempt to see me or talk to me. “Paperwork has been signed and everything.” All connections had been severed. Officially.
“You’re a fool,” Jax spat and walked out. Brian followed, his lips pinched in a thin white line, head shaking in disgust.
“It’s not the end of the world if you have feelings for her, Ethan.” Roc used his best ‘I’m older and therefore wiser’ voice, hand on my shoulder with a solemn look in his eyes. “It happens to all of us…eventually.”
I barked out a laugh at his words. “It’s not like I’m scared of love or something, Roc. When I’m ready for it, I’ll take care of it.”
“And what happens when you realize the one you want it with is lost to you forever?”
“I’ll find another one.”
Roc laughed, shaking his head. “I thought the same thing when Abby disappeared on me. Who cares, I’ll find ten more just like her, right? Well believe me, I tried. A lot. But nothing worked until I got on a plane headed to Puerto Rico with revenge on my mind.” He chuckled at the memory. “I didn’t even realize I was in love with her at the time, but I should have. And I should have told her how I felt so she wouldn’t have ever fucking doubted it. Don’t let macho bullshit fear lead you to make the same mistake I did.” He stood and clapped me on the back. “But you will because you’re stubborn as hell so all I’ll say to you is, good luck.”
I loved my brother, I really did. Ever since Abby and Lily came into his life he’d been a different man. Not quite so serious all the time, more open with his feelings. He’d be an even better dad to his child than he’d been to me and Jax, but he was dead wrong when it came to love. I didn’t do love, not right now. Maybe not ever.
I’d gotten closer to Misha than I ever meant to, but that was all over now and thinking about it every other minute wasn’t going to change a damn thing.
Running however, might make it hard to think about anything other than breathing properly once my muscles and my lungs began to burn.
***
My second interview with Samantha Stevens was coming up and I was officially freaking out. About everything. I couldn’t figure out what to wear, what to say or what to do about how helpless I felt. This was a new feeling for me. Even when the world had deemed me persona non-grata after the first interview, I’d felt in control. I knew a little bit of damage control and another celebrity or political scandal and I’d be off the front page and ready to move past it.
Now though, I just felt like if tomorrow didn’t go perfectly, the past few months would have been worthless. My company stock would continue
to fall along with the public’s perception of me and Aegle. I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to get my shit together and I knew there was only one way to do that.
Misha.
I called her at least a dozen times and she hadn’t picked up, not once. Our contract was over, so of course she wouldn’t answer. “So much for fucking friendship,” I muttered after what had to be the twentieth call, barely holding myself back from tossing it into the fireplace. As angry as I was that she hadn’t called me back, I felt more regret than anything. My arrogance made me believe I didn’t need her, but I realized it was her quiet insistence that I could do it, was probably why I’d done so well in those other interviews. There were still memes and t-shirts declaring themselves Team Mahoney or Team Kincaid, serving as proof that my reputation was back in place.
The night wasn’t going at all how I’d planned it when I started this damn circus. I figured by the time we reached the Stevens interview I’d be completely relaxed, confident. Ready to charm the pants off anyone, including Samantha. But, I was acting like a teenage girl on prom night, twittering about with butterflies in my stomach. The phone began to ring in my hands, startling me. “Yeah?”
“What did you need, Ethan?” Misha. She sounded tired. Sad.
“What do I need? Hell if I know, Misha. I just know that I’m nervous as hell, my heart is racing and I can’t make a goddamn decision to save my life. I am freaking out here, and we all know that if I’m an asshole to her again—on live television—my company won’t make it another two years.” I let out a long much needed breath and waited for her to respond. Maybe she was going to leave me hanging like I deserved, I didn’t know. But my heart pounded as I stood in the middle of my living room, staring out at the black waves crashing to shore.