by Nancy Madore
It was him! Tears flooded Helene’s eyes. He was looking at her with interest, as if remembering.
“It’s Helene,” she said quietly. “Helene Trevelyan from London.”
The man visibly paled and took a step back. “Helene! But it can’t be!” People were looking at them.
In spite of her immense pleasure in seeing him, Helene had the wherewithal to try and contain her excitement. If word of her speaking to another man got out…yet she couldn’t just walk away from him. “Edward!” she whispered. “Is it really you?”
He appeared to be having difficulty believing it too. Recovering quickly, more out of necessity, she motioned for him to follow her to a more secluded part of the library and then asked him what he was doing there.
“I’m here for the semester,” he told her. “I teach environmental studies—there’s a whole crew of us that came over on a research project sponsored by the college. We’re diving in the Red Sea. But Helene, what are you doing here? And why are you dressed like that?”
“Oh Edward,” Helene suddenly broke down and started to cry. She tried to explain what happened in between sobs. “It was horrible…Huxley and my father were killed…Butch too, I think.”
She took a moment to compose herself while he waited for her to continue.
“We found the scroll that Huxley was looking for and …! Oh, I can’t explain it all in a minute. I was forced to marry a Muslim man.” She had to pause here to stifle another sob. “Now I…things are so different. Everyone is Muslim.”
Edward was aghast. “Good god!” he exclaimed. “We had no idea what happened to you…with all the fighting that was going on we assumed you were all killed!”
Helene could not help weeping again. “The others were.”
In spite of her emotional state, Helene was aware that they were still attracting curious glances from other people in the library. Edward seemed to read her mind. “It’s a capital offense here for a foreigner to speak to a Muslim woman,” he said.
“Yes, I know,” said Helene. “But I’ve found that people are much more open minded about it here at the college. I’ve seen more of it here than anywhere.”
“Well, but we should be careful,” he said.
Helene smiled. “It’s worth the risk to see you again,” she whispered through her tears.
Edward looked at her in surprise. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I brought more trouble to you,” he said.
“But there is so much I want to know!” she said. “How is Mrs. Barnes?”
Edward laughed in spite of the seriousness of the situation. “Mrs. Barnes?” he repeated. “No, I most certainly will not risk your life talking about her—she’s fine, by the way!”
Helene laughed. “I don’t even know where to start! I have so many questions—and so much I want to tell you!”
“I wish I could see your face!” he complained. “I hate those horrible things they make the women wear here!” He stopped suddenly. “Oh, I am sorry Helene,” he said.
“Don’t be,” she said. “I hate them too, but…this is my life now.”
“How did you get here, in this library?” he asked. “It reminds me of your father’s library, by the way. It was the first thing I thought of when I walked in.”
Helene could have wept all over again. “I know! Me too!” She looked around nervously. “My father-in-law is going to be here any minute to pick me up. If I make him wait he may not let me come to the library again.”
“When can I see you again?”
“Wednesday, just before mid-day prayers,” she said. There were butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it. “I will meet you there”—she pointed—“in the back. They lock the doors but they don’t clear everyone out anymore…there are so many Americans and other foreigners working here now. I’ve stayed behind before and no one noticed. We’ll be able to talk then.”
“I’ll be here,” he promised.
Helene paused a moment longer to look at him. “Is it really you?” she asked.
He smiled. “It’s me,” he assured her. “Edward Adeire.”
Chapter 45
The change in Helene was obvious. Even the children noticed. Her joy was palpable.
Aabid eyed her suspiciously, but his mother watched her even closer. It was as if Helene’s cheerfulness signified something ominous and distasteful. She scrutinized Helene’s every move, growing more disapproving with each observation.
Fa’izah warned Helene about it one day.
“So, what?” said Helene. “She’s always hated me.”
“I just think you should be more careful around her,” Fa’izah suggested.
“Careful about what?” asked Helene, growing apprehensive.
“About how you are perceived,” said Fa’izah. “The appearance of wrongdoing is also a sin.”
“The appearance…!” Helene was suddenly angry. “I haven’t done anything wrong!”
“Please do not be angry!” Fa’izah begged. “You are akhawat to me, my sister. I have seen women stoned to death in the street for little more.”
This took some of the wind out of Helene’s sails. “I appreciate your concern.”
“I could not bear it if anything happened to you…!” Fa’izah whispered.
Helene felt the familiar heaviness in her chest, weighing her down. If not for Fa’izah and their children she was sure she could get Edward to help her escape. “Does Allah condemn happiness now?” she asked.
“Shhh!” scolded Fa’izah. “Let us not open that can of worms! I am only asking you to control yourself. You come back so joyful! I am afraid you will be found out.”
“Found out?” echoed Helene. “You think I’m doing something wrong, too?” Her blood chilled. If even Fa’izah doubted her, she really was in trouble.
“No, of course not, but it is very clear that something at that library is making you very happy and not everyone will believe it is only the books.”
Helene was suddenly afraid. “I’m not doing anything wrong,” she said again.
“What then?” Fa’izah asked.
Helene hesitated. “Can I trust you?” she asked, but was instantly sorry when she saw how the question hurt Fa’izah. “Okay, I’ll tell you.” Helene took Fa’izah’s hands and stared, wide eyed, into her face. “I found an old friend I used to know in London. He was at the library.”
“He?” Fa’izah echoed, paling. “Not…!”
“Yes, it’s Edward,” Helene admitted.
Fa’izah looked as if she’d seen a ghost. “Almighty Allah, please be merciful!” she whispered.
Her reaction was making Helene nervous. “All we do is talk!” she said.
“Talk! Helene…that is enough!”
Helene’s eyes turned cold. Something was rising up in her that overrode her fear. All her efforts—the lengths to which she went to try and improve her marriage, following the rules, saying her prayers—it all seemed for naught. Aabid did little more than make a show at keeping his end of the bargain. With just over a year of school left before college, he was already backpedaling on his promise to send Gisele to England.
“Ever since I was kidnapped—yes, kidnapped—and brought to this horrible place I have followed all the rules, no matter how stupid they were. I’ve been forced to give up everything!” She huffed in disgust. “Allah should never have created women if he thinks we’re so pathetic we can’t spend a few measly hours with a man without sinning!” But she almost instantly regretted her outburst. It was not Fa’izah’s fault. “I will be more careful,” she said.
“Are you in love with him?” Fa’izah asked.
Helene felt put out by the question; yet it brought her up short. She had to think about it. “I love him,” she admitted. “But not like that.” She met Fa’izah’s gaze. “Don’t worry. My life is much too hopeless to allow me to feel any real hope.”
The women looked at each other for a long moment. “Have you ever been in love?” Helene asked he
r.
Fa’izah blushed. “Of course!” she said.
“What happened to him?”
Fa’izah seemed taken aback by the question. It took her a while to answer. “He fell in love with another woman,” she said at last.
It took another few minutes for Helene to understand what Fa’izah meant. Then her hand rushed to her mouth and tears filled her eyes. “You mean…?” There were tears in Fa’izah’s eyes too. “Oh Fa’izah! You have no idea how sorry I am!” Helene embraced her friend, rocking her in her arms like a child as she repeated “I’m sorry” again and again. Helene had never guessed. All she knew about Fa’izah and Aabid’s marriage was that it was arranged. She had assumed that most women would find such a situation as unbearable as she did. But then she called to mind that first agonized scream—a disturbing sound that Helene never understood, until this moment, was the sound of a heart breaking.
Though she thought she had tried, Helene realized now that she never came close to loving Aabid. She couldn’t, because on some level that scream had resonated with her. She could never forget it, any more than she could forget the way Aabid forced Fa’izah to teach Helene to be a better wife to him. Helene could never love such a man. And Aabid knew it. And he made them all pay for it.
Helene would never give up Edward. He was someone she could talk to about the things that mattered most to her. They reminisced about her father, Butch and Huxley, and she told him all that happened in Qumran—things she could never tell Aabid. Edward was not only interested but helpful. He brought her books that she couldn’t get access to herself. But most of all, he made her feel happy again.
However, Helene did heed Fa’izah’s advice to be more careful. She made sure Edward left the library long before Aabid’s father came to pick her up, and tried to hide her happiness when she got home. Things got back to normal.
But one afternoon, quite out of the blue, Helene’s gaze drifted from Edward’s face to laugh at something he said and—landed on the furious face of her husband. The world seemed to stop for a second.
Helene’s first inclination was to pretend to be someone else. She was, after all, covered except for her eyes. But there was no denying that he recognized her. He was staring directly at her with an expression of pure hatred.
Helene stood up, feeling as if she might faint.
“Harlot!” Aabid growled, eliciting the interest of the other people in the room.
“Please let me explain!” she begged him in a hushed voice.
He lunged for her hair, capturing a thick clump of it along with the head covering. Helene cried out in pain. They had everyone’s full attention now.
Helene’s mind flashed to a women she’d seen being drug through the street to be stoned to death, and she shuddered. “Aabid! Please listen!”
Edward took a step forward, obviously bewildered about what to do. As terrified as Helene was, she had the presence of mind to be struck by the extraordinary difference between the two men. Edward was so civilized he hardly knew how to respond, while Aabid exhibited less control than a spoiled child. It was not the first time she thought of this, but it was never more evident than at that moment.
“Sayyd. I beg you not to punish the woman for my error in asking a simple question!” Edward said, stepping forward and gently placing his hand on Aabid’s arm.
Helene panicked, aware that Edward was also in danger. He could be put in jail for trying to ‘corrupt’ another man’s wife. “Please don’t try to help me!” she said. “It will only make things worse!”
Edward jerked back his hand as if it had been scalded. He watched, horrified, as Aabid drug Helene out of the library by her hair. Once they were outside Aabid released her, shoving her so hard that she fell, her hands and knees hitting the ground hard. Pain shot through her. She was trembling so badly that she couldn’t get up. “Aabid, I beg you,” she cried but he kicked her in the stomach and it was all she could do just to breath.
“Stay!” he ordered, as if she was a dog, and he went back into the library. Helene began to cry. People stopped to stare at her and she was suddenly glad for the covering. This was all her fault! She should have listened to Fa’izah.
Aabid returned in a few minutes. Helene managed to stand up, keeping her eyes lowered. Aabid took her arm and dragged her to the car.
Helene didn’t dare speak. They drove in silence for a time.
“Did Fa’izah know why you were coming here?” he asked. His tone was as pleasant as the calm before a storm.
Helene closed her eyes, realizing suddenly how many people might be affected by this. “No,” she answered as convincingly as she could manage.
“So,” Aabid continued after another long pause, “You beg for the opportunity to explain your behavior—this behavior that you have not even shared with Fa’izah—of how you’ve been meeting this man you love, this man you deserve after giving up your whole life to obey stupid rules! The life I kidnapped you from. Your life of no hope!” Helene couldn’t believe what she was hearing. These were the exact words she’d said to Fa’izah. She couldn’t imagine why Fa’izah would do this to her.
Aabid looked at her in disgust. “No more lies to tell?”
“I am so sorry Aabid,” she said. “He is like a brother to me. I only wanted to…”
“I know what you wanted!” he screamed. “My mother heard every word you uttered to that faithless gahba!” Tears rushed to Helene’s eyes when he said this. Fa’izah hadn’t betrayed her! It was, in fact, the other way around. By confiding in her, Helene had brought danger to her friend.
“Fa’izah was reprimanding me,” she said. “She was trying to get me to stop. Your mother can confirm that.” Helene felt a sudden surge of hatred for the woman who mothered this monster, even though she knew that the woman was as helpless to change the situation as she and Fa’izah were. Still—eavesdropping and then repeating her words to Aabid without even asking Helene about it first—did she hate Helene so much that she wanted her killed? And what about poor Fa’izah?
“You are both guilty and will both be punished,” he said.
“I swear she tried to stop me!”
“She should have told me.”
“I convinced her that I would stop,” she lied. “She made me promise to stop and I did!”
He didn’t seem to hear her. His expression was set.
“She loves you so much,” Helene whispered tearfully.
Aabid stopped the car right there in the middle of the road and glared at her. She winced when she saw that there were tears in his eyes. It was the first time she’d ever seen him cry. His tears terrified her worse than anything else he could have said or done. There was a car approaching ahead, but she was too afraid to speak.
Aabid drove the rest of the way in silence. Helene wondered what he said to Edward when he went back into the library.
When they got home, the house was eerily quiet. No one was in the main living area. Helene waited.
“Get Fa’izah,” Aabid ordered.
Helene turned to him. “I’m begging you not to…”
“Get her!” he screamed, making Helene jump. Her entirely body was shaking violently but she didn’t move. It was suddenly as if she was outside of her body. A kind of indifference took over, though she had the presence of mind to realize that something terrible was happening.
“If you do this…” she began.
Aabid’s expression practically dared her to finish her sentence.
“If you do this,” she repeated—“I will divorce you.”
She didn’t see it coming, but the blow struck her so hard it momentarily blinded her.
“You will divorce me?” he screeched. “You are an adulterer! I can have you killed!”
The pain was terrible, and she was losing her will to fight, but she suddenly called forth Lilith, praying to her for strength. “Kill me then!” she heard herself say. “Kill me or divorce me…those are your only two choices if you hurt Fa’izah. Our bargain will
be off.”
He stared at her in astonishment. “You actually have the audacity to pretend we still have a bargain?” he asked.
“I’ve never broken our bargain,” she said. “I promised to be a loyal wife and Muslim, and I have done both of those things.”
“But you have not loved me,” he said resentfully.
“I have tried,” she said. She wanted to lie but couldn’t bring herself to do it. There was something about always being forced that made her cherish the tiniest liberties.
His anger returned. “You call meeting a man in private being a loyal wife and Muslim?”
“We didn’t meet in private. It was a public library and we only talked. He’s only here for a few months.”
“It is improper for a Muslim wife to meet with a strange man, even to talk.” he said.
“He is not a strange man,” she said, surprised that they were able to have this dialog at all. She supposed her threat had hit the mark after all. “He’s like a brother to me.”
“You love him.”
“As a friend.”
“Why did you keep it a secret then?”
“I shouldn’t have,” she said. “I’m very sorry about that. I didn’t trust you to understand.” She took a timid step toward him. Her left ear, where he hit her, was still buzzing. “I was wrong and it will never happen again.”
Helene could see both sides of Aabid’s character warring over what to do, and wondered which side would win. He could choose to be generous and forgiving, thereby narrowing the gap between them, or he could be self-righteous and tyrannical, which would widen it. Over the years Helene had seen both sides of his character, but the latter was much more typical of him. She knew that he was as chained to this prison as she was, but he was the one who brought it on them both.
“I will think on the matter,” he said quietly. He suddenly seemed too tired to fight.
A sob escaped Helene’s lips and it was then that she realized how afraid she’d been. She dropped to her knees in front of him and kissed his feet.
“Thank you!” she whispered, letting her tears fall freely at last.