“Becky was SO jealous we were going to the circus, Iz, you should have seen her face! Ha!”
“Now, Jess, it’s no good being nasty,” I say in my best Big Sister Voice.
“But she’s so mean to me! She calls me names and makes fun of me!”
I sigh. “I’ll talk to you teacher about it tomorrow morning, ok?” I ruffle her hair and think of myself when I was her age. They were awful years, when my parents were fighting and my mother’s abuse was just starting to get bad. It only got worse from then on, and I started misbehaving at school and lashing out. Hannah used to bring me back down to earth whenever it got unbearable. I look at my little sister, who never experienced any of that. By the time she was a year old, my mother took off and never came back.
I look at Jess and smile. “It’s important to try to be compassionate all the time, do you understand? You never know what someone might be going through at home.”
“But why would she take it out on me? I haven’t done anything to her!” Her little face scrunches up and I fight back a smile. I wish I was eleven years old, just learning about people and how horrible they can be. I take a deep breath and try to explain to her again. “She might see you as a smart, popular, pretty girl with lots of friends and be jealous of that. But no matter what, you shouldn’t sink to her level. Kindness is always the most important thing.”
Jess nods and cocks her head to one side. I can tell she’s thinking, the gears in her head crashing around as she processes what I’ve just told her. Finally her face brightens up and she looks at me with a huge grin.
“She told me she liked my purse one time, the one with the princesses on it. I’ll give it to her! I bet she would like that! Maybe we can be friends after.”
I smile and my heart grows in my chest. “That sounds great, Jess. I’m sure she’d be really happy. That’s very nice of you.”
“I’m going to go put it in my bag so I don’t forget! I’ll give it to her tomorrow!”
She runs off to her room and I hear her moving things around looking for the purse. I sit back and take a deep breath. She learns so quickly, and her instinct is always to give. She makes me so proud to call her my sister. I wish adult relationships were that easy to figure out.
I pull out my phone from my purse and see a new notification. My heart skips a beat when I see Dave’s name.
Thinking of you.
Warmth rushes through me as I read the words over and over. How did we get here? A short while ago he could hardly look at me, and now he’s sending me texts that he’s missing me. I’m not complaining though, I wish I was with him right now. Our little apartment seems so dark and dingy compared to his. It’s not even that it’s not a fancy loft like his place, it’s just not as homey as I remember it. It’s almost… lonely.
I answer:
Me too, can’t wait to see you tomorrow xx
I take a great big sigh and get up, walking to the kitchen. Might as well get my mind off Dave Langley and make myself useful. For the first time in a long, long time we have a full fridge and a full pantry. I can prep Jess’s lunch properly and make us a hearty dinner. As much as this arrangement with Dave has morphed into… whatever this is between us… I still know that Jess comes first.
Next week, the three of us will go to Cirque du Soleil. Like a real family, I think with a smile. In a hidden back corner of my mind, hope sparks up that maybe this could work. Maybe I can have Jess and Dave in my life, and happiness isn’t out of reach for me.
Chapter 32 - Dave
I think I’m giddy right now. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, but it’s not altogether unpleasant. I’ve been checking my watch over and over, waiting to hear the front door open and Izzy’s voice to call out down the hallway. She should be here any minute.
“What are you so fidgety for,” Pop says to me, piercing through me with his sharp eyes.
“Nothing,” I respond. “Just restless, I guess.”
“Well go outside, or go to work, or do something! I don’t need to be babysat. I have the nurses for that,” he says before leaning back in his chair and picking up the newspaper beside him. He opens it up and sticks his nose in it, pointedly ignoring him.
I sigh and get out of my chair. I walk out of the living room just as the front door clicks open. I turn my head and there she is. She flashes me that brilliant smile and my eyes rake over her body, knowing exactly what lies underneath that shapeless work uniform. Catching my stare, Izzy raises an eyebrow and shakes her head with an exaggerated eye roll.
What! I mouth with my hands up in mock protest. She flashes me that smile again and then looks behind me.
“Hi Isabelle,” the night shift nurse says from behind me. I drop my hands and spin around, only to be met with her disapproving stare. She flicks her eyes back to Izzy who stifles a grin and walks past me. They start exchanging notes about my grandfather and Izzy starts her workday. I watch her walk away, wishing I could tear those loose pants right off her.
***
The next week is spent in pure bliss. Izzy comes to work, we flirt and exchange glances. I steal any opportunity I can to put my hands on her. When my grandfather goes to bed she comes upstairs with me and we make love over and over until she has to leave.
“Stay with me tonight,” I tell her one night before she goes.
“You know I can’t, Davey,” she responds with a sad smile.
“Why does your sister live with you anyways?! Where are your parents!”
Izzy’s face changes, as if a dark cloud passes over her. Her features fall and she looks at the ground in front of her feet.
“Dad’s in the Bahamas for business and my mother left about ten years ago. I haven’t seen her since.”
“Ten years ago, so..”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, Iz, I had no idea.”
She looks at me and smiles sadly. “How would you know?” She asks softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” She asks.
“Pick you up at 1 o’clock sharp,” I reply with a grin. “Tell Jess to be nice to me. I’m not one of the circus clowns.” She laughs and then leans over and places a gentle kiss on my lips before slipping out of he door and leaving me alone once again.
I sigh and lean back in my bed. The past few weeks have been exhilarating. I’ve never felt so alive. Seeing Izzy and being around her makes me feel more at ease, more calm than I’ve ever felt in my life. I know that Pop knows about us - he’s seen us exchange glances and has looked at me with one eyebrow raised enough times for me to know that he knows.
It seems like he’s happy about it - about us. He’s using any excuse he has to leave me alone with Izzy. Sometimes when I catch him looking at us I wonder if he planned this whole thing. How could he, though? But there’s a certain spark in his eye when he watches the two of us together.
She says he’s the easiest patient she’s ever had. I love watching her work and seeing the way Pop and Izzy get along. I’m daydreaming about her when my phone rings, buzzing on the nightstand beside me. I turn over to look at the screen and see Clay’s name flashing.
“Clay! Buddy! What’s up?” I say into the phone.
“Not much, Davey. Just seeing how you were doing. It was great to see you on Saturday! And your new girl is great. Val really loved her.”
“Yeah she’s pretty special,” I find myself saying. I haven’t told him she’s my wife. Pop always said a secret is only a secret if you don’t tell anyone. This could ruin my reputation and cost me my inheritance if the wrong people found out.
“So you guys knew each other when you were kids? So she knew you before…” his voice trails off.
Before the crash. The words remains unsaid between us.
“Yeah she knew me then. She was my little sister’s best friend.”
“I thought you told me that it was your little sister’s best friend that caused it? Is that Izzy?”
“No! I mean, she was there, but… I…” My
voice trails off. I never told him the details but he knows the broad strokes of my childhood. Suddenly a lump forms in my throat. Izzy didn’t really cause the crash, her mother rammed into our car. I’ve always blamed her and this is the first time I let myself think otherwise. But then again, if my parent’s hadn’t gone to go pick her up…
I realise all of a sudden that I have no idea what happened. She said her mom took off right after the crash? Why would she leave?
“Davey? You there?”
“Yeah! Sorry Clay, just exhausted I’m practically dozing off here.”
“No problem bud, I’ll let you go. Talk to you later, let’s grab a drink sometime.”
“Sounds good,” I say before hanging up the phone. I drop the phone back onto the nightstand and roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling above me.
I have to stop avoiding this and actually talk to her. I have to get to the bottom of this.
Chapter 33 - Izzy
“Come on! We’re going to be late!” Jess’s voice calls out from the hallway. I walk out of my bedroom and see her waiting in the hallway with her hands on her hips. She’s wearing her favourite dress and long fall coat.
“Looking good, Jess!”
“Come on come on come on!” She’s got a huge smile across her face and is hopping from foot to foot.
I laugh. “Someone is excited,” I say as we get to the front door. I step out and lock it behind us. Jess skips down the steps and runs out the door. I’m not far behind her and I catch a glimpse of Dave leaning against his black Mercedes. He’s wearing a fitted peacoat and his hair has that perfect tousled look. He’s leaning casually, one ankle crossed in front of the other as he waits for us. As soon as he sees me his face breaks into a smile and he stretches his arms out, standing tall.
“Iz,” he says warmly. He glances down at Jess who’s suddenly gone shy. “And you must be Jess.”
“Nice to meet you,” she says politely.
“Nice to meet you too,” he replies. “Your chariot awaits,” he says with a flourish of the arm, opening the back seat for her. She laughs and glances back at me, her face scrunched up in happiness. I laugh and glance at Dave, who winks at me before shutting the car door behind Jess. I get into the passenger’s seat and wait for Dave to slide into the driver’s seat, and before long we’re on our way.
“Izzy tells me you like gymnastics?” Dave says to Jess, glancing in the rearview mirror at her.
“I LOVE gymnastics!” She says. “I just learned how to do a round-up! I’ve never been to the circus, have you?”
“No, never. Always wanted to, though. What’s a round-up?”
I smile at Dave and listen to the two of them talk. I love that he treats her like a real person. Nothing bothers me more than when people talk down to children, but Dave has a conversation like any other with her.
We get to the big blue and yellow tent and Jess is bouncing up and down in excitement. We’re escorted to our seats front and centre of the semi-circular stage. A clown comes up to us and helps us sit before pretending to spill a full drink over me. We jump and laugh and get settled: Jess to my right and Dave to my left.
Dave puts his hand over my leg and I feel the familiar comfortable warmth pass from him to me. The lights dim and the show starts. I glance over to see Jess literally on the edge of her seat, eyes glued on the stage and vibrating with excitement. I wrap my arm around Dave’s and smile at him, feeling my heart fuller than it’s ever been before.
The show is incredible. Act after act comes on, punctuated by the clown’s comedy and laughter. Acrobats contort themselves in ways I didn’t know were possible. They balance and jump and twirl, generating ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from the packed tent. The applause is thunderous.
When the lights come back up I turn to Jess.
“What did you think?”
“That was AMAZING!” She exclaims. Her eyes are wide and bright and she’s gripping the edge of her seat, glancing back at the stage in wonder. I’ve never seen her look so rapt. I laugh.
“It was incredible,” I reply. I turn to Dave who agrees. I watch as he pulls out his phone from his jacket pocket and turns it on. Suddenly, it starts buzzing and vibrating as notifications come through.
“What the fuck?” He whispers under his breath. “Sorry,” he adds, glancing at Jess. “I have about seventeen missed calls.” His face goes pale and I can almost sense the panic rising within him. “I know that number. It’s the hospital.”
The chilling realisation comes over me and I reach for my phone, watching with horror as the notifications from work start pouring in to it as well. Dave is on the phone immediately. I hear him asking and wait anxiously for him to hang up.
“It’s Pop,” he says, brows knitted together. “He’s been taken to the hospital. They said to come immediately, not to waste any time.”
There’s a lump in my throat and I nod.
“Take your car, I’ll take Jess home on the subway and then I’ll come straight to the hospital, ok?” I put my hand over his and squeeze it. I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
He stares at the ground in front of him and nods. He’s quiet for a few seconds before speaking: “You’ll come to the hospital?” His eyes dart towards me and I see the depth of his pain. The tears start welling up in my eyes and I nod quickly.
“Of course, Dave. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I’m not sure I can do this,” he whispers. I squeeze his hand again.
“You can. I’ll be right there, we’ll make it through together.” I watch him and I can see his heart breaking in front of me. His face contorts and he brings a hand up to his chest.
“Ok. Come soon.” He looks at me and his eyes are icy, piercing through me. “Please,” he adds in a low whisper.
All I can do is nod and then he’s away. I turn to Jess.
“Come on Jess, let’s go home.”
“What’s going on?”
“Dave’s grandfather is very sick and has just been taken to hospital.”
Jess looks at me and nods silently. I know she understands, and once again I’m taken aback at how wise my eleven year old sister is. We stand up silently and make our way out of the tent. The excitement and joy that we shared just moments ago has come crashing down.
Chapter 34 - Dave
“Where is he?” I practically yell to the nurse behind the desk at the hospital.
“Sir, please keep your voice down. Who are you looking for?” She’s all business, her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail as she looks at me with one eyebrow raised above her dark-rimmed glasses.
“My grandfather, Arthur. Arthur Langley. I was told to come here immediately.”
She taps on the computer and looks back at me. “Room D675. Down the hallway to the elevators marked ‘D wing’ on the left. Take them up to Level 6 and -“
“Thank you!” I call out as I jog down the hall. I have to see him. My heart is pounding harder than I’ve ever felt it before and I feel like I’m going to be sick.
I get to the elevator and mash the ‘up’ button. It seems to take an eternity, and I shift impatiently from foot to foot. When the doors open I almost crash into the endless stream of people that come out. Finally, I step in and press Level 6. Compounding my frustration, three people come in after me, pressing floors 2, 4, and 5. I sigh and try not to let it get to me.
The elevator crawls upward, letting people off and on at every floor. I bristle as the doors open and close, trying not to make eye contact with the other passengers.
Finally the doors open to Level 6.
“Excuse me, sorry, excuse me,” I say as I brush past the people still on the elevator and exit on the floor. I glance at the signs on the wall and feel a bolt of pain in my heart when I read the word “hospice.” This is the hospital wing where people come to die.
I walk towards the direction of his room. Finally I get to the door. It’s closed, which to me is a bad sign. I take
a deep breath and put my hand on the handle. I turn it slowly and push the door open, stepping through in one motion.
“Pop?” I call out tentatively.
The room smells like death. I’ve never smelled anything like it. I try not to let the disgust show on my face as I step into the room, the oppressive air hits me like a wall. The curtains are drawn and the room is completely still except for the periodic beeping of the medical equipment.
Then I see him.
If I thought he was frail before, it’s no comparison to what I see in front of me now. He hardly makes a bump in the bed’s blankets. He’s got an IV sticking into his thin arm and an oxygen tube under his nostrils. I try not to stare at his arms - I haven’t seen him in short sleeves in a long, long time. They look like bones wrapped in old, paper-thin skin. He’s got dark spots all over his skin and his thin, wiry white hair sticks out at uneven intervals.
I walk up slowly and he wheezes. The tears prick the corners of my eyes as I stand next to the bed. I pull up a chair and sit down next to him, putting my hand over his. I feel like a giant next to him. He’s cold, like his blood just isn’t pumping to his hands anymore. I grab the blanket and gently slip his arm under it.
“Davey,” he croaks. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here, Pop,” I say, forcing the words out of my tightening throat. His eyes flutter ever so slightly open and he moves his head towards me.
“I’m -“ he takes a breath and coughs.
“Don't talk, Pop, you don’t need to say anything.”
He closes his eyes and takes a few breaths. I watch his chest rise and fall, it’s almost caved in. It’s wrong, to see him like this. This is the man who raised me, the man who was strong and smart and determined.
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