Moon Phase: Waning
On small pieces of paper, write down words that represent your hurt and anger, allowing yourself to feel each as they are written down.
Burn each of them in a fireproof container, and feel yourself letting go of the feelings as the words are extinguished.
Allow yourself to draw in positive feelings of love as the anger and hurt dissipate.
Thank the universe for its help.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
JOSH’S INITIAL PHONE CALL to my childhood home while I was there had both comforted and unsettled me. A part of me longed for his familiar and comforting presence, while my more sensible side was still untrusting and suspicious of him—both his motives, and whether he was likely to draw me into a false sense of security and piss off again.
The comforting smell of vanilla and jasmine greeted me as I unlocked the door to my flat. As much as I enjoyed the break, I ended up thinking too much. I realised how much I did miss Josh. I had to admit I adored our phone conversations the past week. My wounds had slowly healed but had been reopened by Sean and Scott in the last few months. Josh was becoming the easy way out—the ‘better the devil you know’ compromise. Our conversations were easy. We had a lot of history to cover; anecdotes and memories could be shared rather than told, and there was a warm comfort in phrases beginning with ‘Remember when....’ Like when we first met:
It was at Dianne and Troy's work Christmas Party. That sounded weird, but they were actually going out at the time. It’s funny when I think of it now. Of course it wasn’t as though they were completely besotted with each other, or that it was the romance of the century. It lasted about a month, if that, before they realised they actually preferred being friends. Anyway, Di and Troy were about two weeks into their relationship at the time. As it was usual to bring a partner, they decided to make it more fun by still bringing a friend each, rather than just taking each other. I was already a friend of Troy’s due to being Di's regular Christmas Party date (at least up until Simon came along) and even moreso then; as he was spending a lot of time at the home I shared with Di. Josh had recently returned to Melbourne after a couple of years working overseas. I'd heard about him from Troy in the old ‘My friend Josh blah blah blah…’ stories, but nothing had really piqued my interest in him.
Dianne and I got ready together at our flat, the two of us squashed next to each other in a bathroom roughly the size of your average wardrobe, trying to each get the best of the single bulb light as we applied our makeup and styled our hair. I was still in awe that she and Troy were going out. They had always gotten along brilliantly, but in more of a jokey, platonic way. "I had no idea you were even interested in him," I had said in between hairdryer blasts.
"I actually wasn't," she confessed, crinkling her face as hairspray was blasted somewhere around the vicinity of her head. She explained that they had gone out for what had been usual drinks after work one Friday evening and ended up in bed at Troy's house. "The next morning I just looked at him for the first time as more than a friend.” She misted makeup setting spray onto her perfected porcelain skin and gave her look a final once-over. “It's nothing serious; we're just having a good time."
"So what's he like in bed?" I asked, out of curiosity. Troy was very cute with his deep dimples, dark eyes, and a smile that lit up his whole face, but it was hard to picture him in the throes of passion.
Di fixed me with a stern look, and for a moment, I thought she was about to tell me it was none of my business, which in all honesty would have completely floored me.
"Do you seriously think I would have asked him out if he was shit?"
Troy and Josh were waiting outside the restaurant when we arrived. After kissing Di, Troy embraced me in a bear hug, lifting me up high above the ground—he was so tall—before allowing me to lay eyes properly on Josh. The first things I observed were his ridiculously long lashes framing his intense hazel eyes. His handshake was firm, and he appeared to study me closely as I politely said hello. I noticed he nodded at me rather than smiled, but his demeanour was otherwise friendly.
"He seems nice," I said to Di when she and I excused ourselves for a gossip in the bathroom after the first course. "He's not talking much though. I think he's joined the Jemma fan club; she seems to have won him over."
"You think?” Di screwed up her nose. “Nah, she only acts like that around guys who aren't interested in her. Likes the challenge I guess."
Josh was alone when I joined him back at the table. He sipped lightly on his beer before speaking. "I can't believe we haven't met before now."
"I guess it would be a bit hard with you overseas and all." He looked up suddenly, and I realised I had inadvertently sounded sarcastic. "How long were you away? Where did you go?" I asked hurriedly in an attempt to smooth it over.
He laughed for the first time that evening. It was even the first time I had seen him smile, and I liked the way his eyes crinkled downwards so his irises seemed almost nonexistent.
"You're right, you know. I had just been thinking that you seem so tight with Troy and Di. It would almost be natural for us to know each other well, too."
Was he flirting with me?
He continued, "Anyway, would you have dinner with me sometime?"
Shocked by his brashness and the fact that he had asked me out, I had taken some time to answer.
"It's okay, you don't have to." He blurted out quickly. I then realised his swift questioning was due to nerves.
"I'd love to," I answered before he could write it off completely.
***
Our first date was at an Italian restaurant in the city. I had stupidly been watching my weight so ordered Spaghetti Marinara, even though I was dying for something with cream in it, then carelessly flicked napoli sauce all over my face and shirt. Josh politely pretended not to notice as I wiped myself with my napkin, the tomato settling cozily into the front of my pastel top, while trying to keep up conversation. Thankfully this wasn't difficult, as our initial awkwardness was absent. The surrounding diners—the couple arguing at the table beside us, the raucous fiftieth birthday party with the overweight gentlemen who were constantly rubbing their bottoms on the back of my head as they squeezed past to use the bathroom or speak to the management, soon went unnoticed by us as we sat immersed in conversation.
As our dinner ended and we became further unaware of those around us, Josh leaned in, pulled me towards him, and kissed me. From somewhere nearby, I heard someone cough and say "your bill".
“I’ll get this,” I whispered, grabbing the folder before he could make a move towards it.
“Can I see you again?” He had asked in between kisses at my front door.
"When?" I asked breathlessly.
"All the time."
And that was the beginning of three long years.
***
I did a quick tidy up of my house and was annoyed to discover that I needed to replace a fuse on my stove.
The deep purple spine of the spell book beckoned me as I sat down, and I pulled it out, just intending to browse through the pages while I relaxed with a cup of tea—except for the 'love' chapter. Stupid spell. Maybe I did mess it up by picturing Josh in my head while I was doing it. Perhaps I got the ingredients wrong. The piece of paper was still in the top drawer of my bedside table.
When I fetched it, I thought of Kate downstairs, who would most likely have Nathan with her. I guessed it really did work for her instead. Good for Kate. That can be my little gift to her. Instead of tossing it out, I unfolded it and quickly slipped it between two of the pages in the 'love' chapter—just in case throwing it away might ruin things for her.
I flipped to the 'Abundance' chapter which hosted a myriad of magick spells to attract money. My salary was modest and allowed me to easily pay rent, buy food, and a few small luxuries. But anything big, such as a holiday, or even fixing my car again, wasn't as affordable. Surely it wouldn't hurt to give one spell a go; besides, it seemed I had done pre
tty well with the career spell, and this was related. Maybe I just sucked at the love ones. Maybe I should get a lotto ticket.
I got out a candle fresh from the packet, carved a dollar sign into it with a skewer, and placed it in a new candle-holder which bore a pentagram; a five pointed star within a circle. I created an imaginary circle and visualised myself spending money, mainly on shoes and handbags, but hey, whatever worked. I also envisioned having lots in the bank and always having enough for emergencies.
By the time I opened my eyes and finished, the room was darker as the sun had begun to set, bathing my flat in yellow and giving the room a sepia quality. A shiver ran through me as a dog barked a few houses down, and then there was nothing but the low mumble of cars in the distance. The shrill tone of the phone shattered the strange silence.
“Have dinner with me tonight,” said Josh through the line. It was on the demanding side of suggestion rather than a question, but I decided to just go with it. I had no plans and was too tired go out after my long drive home and concentrating on the spell, let alone the busted stove thwarting any cooking attempts anyway. Still, I couldn’t let Josh make all the rules, and here was a newly tidied house to enjoy.
“That would be fine.” I replied. If we could be friends we had to start somewhere. “Can you please grab some takeaway on your way over here?” It struck me how quickly I had switched back into my old mode with him; I had made it sound as though he was out for the day and I was asking him to bring home a meal, as had often happened when we were together.
He paused for a second, no doubt working out the implications of joining me on my turf rather than neutral ground as we had done since our break up, then simply said, "Okay".
He looked relaxed when I open my door to him, and I felt the same. We were two old friends, ex-lovers, renewing what could be a lovely friendship. That was all this was, and all I wanted it to be. Josh was comfortable, familiar, someone with whom I had shared laughter, conversation and tears. He knew my family history; he knew my history and understood my little quirks. Whilst unpacking the food, he got out a spoon for each dish, rather than expecting we use the same one repeatedly throughout—something that he knew drove me nuts.
Our conversations, whilst lengthy and animated, were devoid of intimacy, and halfway through the second course I could feel the energy in the room shift as our lively banter turned to relationships. Josh maintained that he had been single whilst living in Sydney as, of course, his leaving was purely career based. He had returned to his old employer in Melbourne as the new sports reporter.
"Was it just the guy from work you were seeing?" he asked.
I nodded. He knew about Sean, and there was no point mentioning Scott. That one hadn't technically been a relationship, and my sex life post Josh was none of his business. Besides, the operative word was ‘seeing’ not ‘shagging’. Josh’s face darkened when he mentioned Sean, and I had to admit it was rather heartening to see that he was jealous. All that time we were dating, he was calling the shots, and now I had the upper hand. Well I wasn’t naïve, trusting little Abigail anymore. If Josh wanted back into my life, he had to work for it; he had to prove himself.
He gazed around my living room and spied the burnt out candle I’d placed decoratively on my corner shelf. "What's that?" he asked, taking a closer look at the candle holder.
"That's a pentagram," I explained. "It's a Wiccan symbol. You know, Earth magic and stuff."
"Hmm." He pulled a face. “Looks Satanic."
"No, that's different." I got up, rolling my eyes, and started clearing the plates. “And nothing to do with Wicca.”
Josh did prove to be full of surprises that night; after I cleared up, he wordlessly washed the dishes. In the past, this action would have been accompanied by a grandiose explanation of how wonderful he was to be doing said actions, but in this instance, he was smiling and silent as he cleaned. I didn’t bother helping him with wiping up. Bitchy I know, but this was a test, and he was passing with flying colours.
When the last of the dishes had been put away, I emptied the rest of the wine into his glass as he produced a DVD from his old satchel— a romantic movie that I loved and he hated. He was really pulling out the big guns.
After the movie ended, he planted a soft kiss on my cheek, devoid of any expectations, and disappeared into the night, leaving me more than a little surprised and confused.
The next morning, I awoke with lightness not felt in ages. Work was good; Sean had transferred to an interstate office. I wasn’t sure where, nor did I really care. Bronwyn had left for a partner position in another company—a move which may or may not have been due to the Sean scenario. It might have been on the cards for a while. Laura had returned from her holiday and was currently helping Ray with the running of Avalon, but knowing she wasn’t interested in a permanent management position, Ray had advertised to fill Bronwyn’s role.
Josh was becoming a friend, a part of him I had missed from when we were together, and I was looking forward to developing that relationship with him. Things were finally starting to look up!
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“STACEY’S HEARTBREAK—Popular soap star Stacey Barton is reportedly single again after splitting with musician boyfriend Daniel Kelly. Barton's management has announced that the split was amicable and most likely due to conflicting work schedules. It is not yet confirmed, but Stacey may be leaving her role as nurse Emma Bayley in "Secrets and Lies" and is currently the rumoured favourite to star in a major Hollywood film. Daniel Kelly is the lead singer for up-and-coming local band Reckless Choice whose current single "More Than Me" is currently in the National Top 20. Their self-titled debut album is due out next month.”
Kate stopped reading and threw the newspaper onto the table. “Do you think it was Stacey or Daniel who did the dumping?”
“Hmm, Stacey I guess, if she’s going to Hollywood,” I answered, admittedly not very interested.
“Have you listened to their new song yet?” she asked excitedly. “Nate played it to me the other night. It’s beautiful. Much softer than their regular stuff, but more..." she clicked her fingers trying to find the right word, "them than what they had on the radio before.”
“No, not yet.“ I ignored her dig at me. I looked up, saw the disappointment on her face, and realised that I had allowed my feelings toward Scott to cloud my attitude regarding her relationship with Nathan. I smiled at her as reassuringly as I could. “I’ll download it. I promise.”
“I was just going to say that after reading this and then having heard the lyrics, it’s pretty obvious that Daniel’s pretty cut up about it all.“ Kate bit her lip, grinning, and jumped up off her chair. “You can do better than downloading it.” she announced. “They’re playing at Springers in a few weeks. We’ll go. For old times' sake.”
“Uh...”
“Listen, Abs,” Kate wasn’t going to let me hesitate this time. “I know that you and Scott had a thing and it didn’t work out, but really he’s a nice guy. He asked after you last time I saw him. Is it so bad that you can’t still be friends? I’m sure it will be easier for you, now that you and Josh are practically back together. “
“We’re not back together.” I mumbled. “But okay, I’ll go.” The butterflies in my stomach took flight at the thought. “It would be nice to hang out with you all again.”
“Great.” Kate clapped her hands together and was about to continue on her evil plan when my phone rang. Josh. I smiled, despite myself. Since we had our first evening together as friends, he now called me regularly or sent me an email or text at least once a day, with a few more friendly evenings in between.
“Are you doing anything tonight?” he asked.
“I’m at Kate’s at the moment. Why? Did you want to come over?”
“Oh, are you and Kate doing something later?”
“No, her boyfriend’s coming over.”
“Oh cool. Can you meet me at the bar at Benet’s tonight? Say seven?”
***
I stood at the bar, shivering in the flimsy but casual black dress Kate had begrudgingly helped me pick out from my wardrobe—not because of me or the dress, but because of Josh. I had taken great pains to make an effort without looking like I was making an effort. This was, after all, a couple of friends just having a drink together. My gin and tonic was going down extremely well, and I tried to ignore the butterflies that seemed to be making themselves at home in my belly. In the three years that Josh and I had dated, it had been some time since he had made me as nervous as I was right now. Where the hell was he?
"Excuse me, Miss Williams?" The girl behind the bar startled me out of my nervous thoughts. "I have a message for you. Mr. Stuart would like you to meet with him in room ten zero seven."
What? "Thank you." I swallowed the rest of my drink, took a deep breath, and headed to the tenth floor. In the lift, I fixed my lipstick and smoothed down my hair, pausing for a moment to wonder why on Earth I was spending so much time trying to impress a man who had already been given a chance and blew it completely. First Josh, then Scott, and then Sean. Now back to Josh... Who, it now appeared, was wooing me into a hotel room.
Was I mad? Or a masochist? This was way too soon. If I had to be honest with myself, I guess I was enjoying the attention of a man who was well aware that he had made a huge mistake and desperately wanted to win me back. Especially after the disinterest I had received from Scott, which left me feeling like a complete reject, and even worse, Sean basically using me, which could have sent me into unemployment.
At least work had been easier in the last couple of weeks. I'd forged some genuine and supportive friendships with Rachel and Pippa. Bron's replacement, Chris, was a welcome addition to the company, more laidback than Ray and more approachable and less anxious than Bronwyn. At the close of each day, he would leave his office and spend time getting to know each of the staff, telling us about his wife and three young children at home. He would always tell us to enjoy our evening, making sure our work was well and truly left behind as we deserted the office each night.
Flirting With Magick Page 16