Downtown Disney spans a full mile of shops and restaurants, sporting such grown-up fare as the House of Blues, ESPN Zone, and Tortilla Joe’s, where the margaritas are to die for. (You know, if I was ever touching tequila again.) Past the movie theater, shopping mall, and street performers sit the two Disney theme parks-the California Adventure and the original Disneyland. While Disneyland is all balloons and lollipops in the shape of mouse heads, California Adventure is the big kid version, featuring a winery, a “beers of the world” stand, and roller coasters that launch you upside down at near NASA speeds.
I looked longingly at the twelve-foot-tall “California” sign across the walkway as the aunts grabbed me by the arm and propelled my toward the security gates on the kiddie side. Cal grumbled a step behind me, still put out that he had to leave his gun in the Hummer.
I watched a perky college kid search Aunt Sue’s huge beach tote and held my breath, hoping he mistook the Hello Kitty container for a sandwich and not our neigh-bor’s ashes. Luckily, he’d been trained to look for weapons and drugs, not dead people, and gave us a cheery, “Enjoy your day at the Magic Kingdom!” and waved us through.
I gave a mental sigh of relief.
Aunt Sue gave me a coconspiratorial wink.
Cal gave an eye roll.
Millie gave us a, “Let’s go on the pirates ride first!”
I put a hand on her arm. “Uh uh. No way. We’re here to do one thing. We’re going to do that, and then we’re going home.”
She pouted. “But I love the Pirates of the Caribbean.”
“And we did pay full admission,” Aunt Sue complained. “We should get our money’s worth.”
I clenched my jaw. “Fine. One ride.”
The two suddenly ten-year-old octogenarians clapped their hands with glee and led the way through the mass of tourists toward New Orleans Square.
Cal remained a silent shadow behind us.
Ever since this morning, he hadn’t said one word to me. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. He’d said. “Get in,” when he’d held the Hummer’s door open for me. That was it. Clearly, this whole bait plan didn’t put him in the best mood.
I’ll be honest, it wasn’t doing a whole lot for my nerves either. I’d looked over my shoulder a dozen times on the escalator ride down from the main parking structure. On the tram ride into the park, I’d done at least three double takes at the guy in the Panama hat and sunglasses seated opposite us before ascertaining that he was, in fact, just an innocent tourist and not some ominous stalker.
Even though I’d set up this whole thing, it was still a scary thought that I could, in theory, be staring straight at my stalker and not even know it. He knew what I looked like, but I had no idea who he was. Or even if he was a he for that matter.
I now knew how those ducks in a barrel felt at the county fair.
I kept my head down, staying close to the aunts, infinitely glad for the hulking bulk of Cal behind me, even if he was giving me the silent treatment.
We wound past the Jungle Cruise and Tarzan’s Treehouse, narrowly avoiding collisions with at least three strollers, and jumped into line for the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Two minutes into it, my phone buzzed from my pocket.
“Your pants are vibrating,” Aunt Millie pointed out.
“I know.”
“You gonna answer it?”
Considering I was pretty sure it was Felix calling? “Nope.”
She shrugged, as if to say the younger generation’s logic escaped her.
Aunt Sue opened up her tote bag. “This ride is going to be so fun! You’re going to love this,” she said to the contents.
“Please tell me you’re not talking to Mrs. C.,” I said.
She blinked at me. “Well, of course I am. This is her trip.”
I tried not to roll my eyes.
“Did you just roll your eyes at me, young lady?”
Okay, I didn’t try all that hard.
“Let’s just get this over with,” I mumbled as the line crept forward.
Fifteen minutes later we were being hustled into a soggy boat by a guy dressed like he’d just escaped from some 1980s version of Pirates of Penzance. The aunts took the front seat (‘cause Millie complained she couldn’t see a darn thing from the back) and Cal and I scrunched into the middle, while a family of four was seated in the seats behind us.
We floated past the bayou, the fake star-studded sky, crickets chirping, and the old guy playing his banjo on the porch of his swamp-side home. I fidgeted nervously in my seat, every diner at the Blue Bayou a potential threat ready to strike.
“I’m scared,” I heard the little girl behind me say, ducking under her dad’s arm.
Join the club, kid.
Only it wasn’t an animatronic version of Johnny Depp I was freaked about.
I tried to settle into the ride as we slid down under the ground, past shipwrecks and ominous skeleton heads talking about ancient sea curses. Down here, it was just my boat mates and me, so unless the little kid behind me was some mini stalker, I reasoned that I was pretty safe. I sat back and tried to enjoy the ride. Though I would never admit it to Aunt Sue, it was actually one of my favorites, too. It was cool down here, the scenes were flashy, and it even had kind of a catchy tune. I almost started singing along when we got to the piles of gold and pirates singing, “yo ho,” on top of their barrels of rum.
Almost.
That is until I heard a sound that made my heart stop. A Tupperware lid burping open.
I leaned forward in my seat. “What are you doing?” I whispered to Aunt Sue.
She turned around and gave me the big innocent cow eyes. “Nothing.”
“I heard you pop the top on Mrs. C.”
Again with the innocent act, complete with eyelash fluttering this time.
“I thought we had a plan,” I hissed. “Remember the soda cup? Small World?”
Millie leaned in, joining in our whispered conversation. “Hattie loved this ride. I think she’d like a little of her to be here, too.”
“Do not, I repeat, do not, dump Mrs. Carmichael into the Pirates of the Caribbean waters!”
“Relax,” Aunt Millie told me. Which was so impossible at this point that it was almost laughable. “It’s dark. Who’s gonna see us?”
Cal had been silently listening to the exchange until now, but he leaned forward, poking Millie in the shoulder. Then pointed up to a skeleton head mounted on the ceiling with red, glowing eyes.
“Security cameras,” he explained.
Aunt Sue guiltily clutched her tote bag closed.
“This whole place is wired. You’re being watched by at least two security guards at all times on this ride.”
I looked up at the glowing eyes. “How can you tell?”
“Trust me. I know security. You’re being watched.” He pointed to a particularly shiny jewel in a pile of pirate booty. “There’s another one.”
I squinted at it, half thinking he might be bluffing. Not that I was going to call him out. If it kept the aunts from tossing Mrs. C.’s remains overboard, I was all for it.
We made it through the rest of the ride without incident (unless you counted the kid in back of me whimpering as we passed through the burned-out pirate town-which, I didn’t) and exited back into the blinding sunshine of day.
“Not to put a damper on anyone’s plans,” I said, navigating the streets of New Orleans Square back to the main thoroughfare, “but if Pirates has security cameras, doesn’t it stand to reason that Small World will, too?”
“One step ahead of you, peanut,” Aunt Sue responded.
“We already checked.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “How did you check?”
“Hidden Mickeys dot org,” Millie piped up.
“Hidden what?”
“Hidden Mickeys. See, Walt Disney had a bunch of likenesses of Mickey Mouse hidden all over the park, and it’s a game people play to try to find them all.”
I gave her
a blank stare.
“Anyway,” she said, waving me off, “this website is the foremost authority on all things Disneyland. We checked. There are no security cameras, lasers, or any other sort of devices inside the Small World ride.”
“Apparently singing dolls don’t make people frisky the way pirates do,” Aunt Sue said, elbowing me in the ribs and waggling her painted on eyebrows up and down.
“There is a rumor,” Aunt Millie went on, “that there’s some sort of guard tower hidden in the ride, and employees can watch you from up there, but it’s unsubstantiated. And besides, it’s gotta be a real pain to climb down from it. I’m thinking no one’s gonna bother for a couple of old broads dumping their Coke into the water, right?”
For all our sakes, I hoped so.
“Great. Fine. Dandy. Let’s go ride Small World then.”
“You think I could get a pair of those mouse ears while we’re here?” Aunt Sue asked, watching a little girl in pink ones walk past. “I want my name embroidered on the back in gold.”
“I’m hungry,” Aunt Millie said, eyeing the Bengal Barbecue down the walkway.
I looked from her three-inch bifocals to the restaurant. “How can you even see that? It’s like fifty yards away?”
She gave me a blank stare.
“No, no stops. We’re on a mission,” I said, shaking my head.
“But I’m hungry,” she moaned. “My doctor says I have to be very careful about keeping my blood sugar levels even.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “And Sue has to take her heart medication. She can’t do that on an empty stomach.” Millie’s magnified eyes blinked innocently up at me.
I threw my hands up. “Fine! We’ll go eat.”
“Oh,” Aunt Sue piped up, “and after we eat, can we get mouse ears? I’d love some with my name embroidered in gold.”
I thought I heard Cal snicker behind me, but he had the good sense to put a poker face in place by the time I turned around.
Reluctantly, I led the gruesome twosome to the barbecue and ordered them both chicken on a stick and pineapple coolers. By the time they’d finished the last of their meals, the crowds were beginning to pick up-families in every shape and size wearing sneakers, cargo shorts, and pasty white legs that had yet to see the California sunshine walked past. Mixed in with packs of teenagers, honeymooning couples, and groups of overseas tourists that snapped photos of anything that stood still.
I didn’t like it.
The more people who jammed the walkways, the smaller my chances of spotting my stalker before he spotted me. The crowd made me feel antsy, exposed. And I was more anxious than ever to get this done and get out of here. Preferably back to somewhere Cal could carry his gun again.
I could tell Cal felt the same way. During the meal he barely spoke a word, his body rigid as if ready to jump at the slightest provocation, his eyes relentlessly scanning the crowd. Which should have made me feel better, but the tenser he got, the tenser I got. And the more I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
“There,” I said, pointing to a vendor’s booth, as the aunts wiped their fingers on a paper napkin. “Soda bottles. Let’s go.” I jumped in line and purchased a large, plastic souvenir Buzz Light-year soda bottle with a sparkly purple shoulder strap and handed it to Aunt Sue.
“Go put Mrs. C. in this,” I told her.
Aunt Sue gave the bottle a once over. “I’m not sure Hattie was a Toy Story fan.”
“Just do it!” I shouted, my nerves frazzled to their breaking point.
Luckily, Aunt Sue recognized a woman on the edge when she saw one and scuttled off to the ladies’ room to transfer our passenger. Ten minutes later she came out, the bottle slung over her shoulder and a grin of triumph on her face.
I glanced down at Buzz Lightyear. “She in there?”
Aunt Sue nodded and gave me a wink.
“Good. Let’s get this over with,” I said, leading the way toward the Small World castle.
“Oh, look!” Aunt Millie said as we exited Adventure Land, “The Enchanted Tiki Room. Can we-”
“Not on your life,” I yelled, cutting her off.
She snapped her mouth shut. “Killjoy.”
I ignored her, instead navigating around a line of kids waiting to have their picture taken with Cinderella, and skirted the Sleeping Beauty Castle, pressing through Fantasyland, which, at this time of day, was bumper to bumper strollers. I pushed my way through, only getting dinged in the heel twice. We reached the Small World ride just as the big moon-face guy and cuckoo clock people with their drums and cymbals were chiming the hour.
We hopped in line, winding our way through a maze of ropes and shrubbery trimmed to look like zoo animals until we reached our boats.
The last time I’d been here the ride had been shut down for refurbishment. When I’d asked why, I was told that they had to dig a deeper moat. When Walt Disney had first opened the ride, it was built to accommodate six average-sized men. Well, the size of your average American has almost doubled since then, and the weight of our fatter selves meant that the boats frequently bottomed out, getting stuck along the narrow canals. Every time this happened, the ride had to be shut down and the larger persons had to be escorted off the ride in a flurry of apologies and embarrassment. Consequently, the ride had been shut down to outfit it with deeper canals and new boats that were designed to hold guests of every size.
At the time, I’d been tickled to no end by the irony. Apparently, it isn’t really a small world after all.
We all crammed into a boat, Millie and Aunt Sue in front again, and started into the tunnel of singing dolls, the strains of that infectious song hitting my ears even before we entered.
As in the pirate ride, the smell of recirculated water permeated the cool caverns. The corners of the rooms were dark, but dozens of colored lights shone down on the main displays. There were so many things going on at once-dolls and animals and dancing, creatures popping out from corners-it would take a dozen trips through the ride to see them all.
We were about three minutes into the journey through the world of children when the repetitive song began to get to me, and I started getting antsy again. I leaned forward and poked Aunt Sue in the back.
“Hey! Let’s do it.”
Aunt Sue gave an exaggerated over-both-shoulders look, then winked at me. “Operation Hattie Drop commence.”
Oh, brother.
I bit my lip, scanning the rows of dolls for some sort of hidden watchtower as I heard Aunt Sue unscrew the top from her souvenir bottle.
“Shouldn’t we say a few words first?” Millie asked.
I shot her a look. “You’re serious?”
“She deserves to be laid to rest with dignity.”
“We’re in a moving ride, surrounded by the most annoying tune known to man, sung by a bunch of talking dolls, carrying a woman’s ashes around in a Buzz Lightyear soda bottle. I’m pretty sure we passed dignity at least two harebrained schemes ago!”
Again, I could swear Cal was snickering beside me, but he quickly covered it with a cough as I whipped my “don’t start with me, pal” gaze his way.
“Alright, alright, let’s just do this,” Aunt Sue said. “We’re almost to Africa.”
Aunt Sue leaned over the edge of the boat, slowly tipping the contents of her bottle into the water. Grainy white ashes mingled with the chlorinated water, swirling under the boat.
“The Lord is my Shepherd,” Aunt Millie began to recite in a solemn tone. “I shall not want. He maketh me lie down in green pastures.”
I bowed my head, at a loss for what else to do. Cal followed suit beside me. Though, that snicker kicked up again when Millie recited, “He leadeth me beside the still waters.”
I guess in our case, flowing waters and tourist boats. But I kept my trap shut, my head bowed, trying my best to think dignified thoughts as Aunt Millie’s parting words mingled with the strains of “It’s a small world after all!”
Finally she closed with
, “I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen.”
“Amen,” we all repeated. Then I raised my head.
Just as the ride came to a screeching halt.
Oh. Shit.
We’d been caught.
I wildly whipped my head around, my gaze pinging from Aunt Sue’s empty Buzz Lightyear bottle to the singing dolls. I squinted through the darkness, trying to make out if any had glowing red eyes like the security skeleton.
Aunt Sue shoved the bottle back in her bag, clutching the tote closed. Millie sat up straight, clasping her hand in her lap. Cal tensed next to me, instinctively reaching for his missing gun.
We sat like that for a full thirty seconds, my heart hammering in my chest so hard I felt each bruising beat. I held my breath. What was the penalty for unlawful disposing of human remains in a theme park? A slap on the wrist? A fine? Surely not jail time, right?
Just when the patrons of the boats in front and behind us were starting to fidget in their seats, a voice came over the loudspeaker.
“We’re sorry, folks, but there seems to have been a slight mechanical malfunction. We’re going to have cast members escort you from your boats and to the nearest exit one at a time. Please remain seated until a cast member can assist you.”
I let out a sigh of relief. Mechanical malfunction. Thank the gods. We hadn’t been made. We’d just broken the ride.
Fleetingly I wondered if Mrs. Carmichael’s sinking remains had anything to do with that malfunction, but I brushed it aside, telling myself maybe they hadn’t made the canal quite deep enough still in some parts.
Five minutes later, a pair of women in cheery blue uniforms appeared, leading the people three boats ahead of us out of their seats and toward an exit behind one of the curtains. As soon as the people in the boat in front of us saw movement, they got up too, completely ignoring the instructions to wait for a cast member. Pretty soon, every boat had emptied out and the two women in blue were frantically trying to herd people in one straight line out the exit.
“Let’s get the heck out of here,” Aunt Millie said, still nervously glancing back to where we’d deposited Mrs. Carmichael.
I couldn’t agree more.
Cal helped the aunts out of the boat. I followed a step behind, tripping on an animatronic dog and losing my balance. I pitched forward, but a hand grabbed my arm, stopping me from plowing headfirst into a little doll wearing a sombrero.
Scandal Sheet aka Hollywood Scandals Page 20