She picked up the saucepan from the stove and took it over to the trash can. She started to scrape the food out of it. “I was only teasing you. Besides, cooking isn’t hard. Anyone can cook.”
I surveyed her. “Do you really think things are going to work out for me and Jason?”
She straightened, still holding the saucepan. “Of course.”
“But Jason hates me.”
“Jason will get over it,” she said. “Besides it’s not like he didn’t have a child with another woman. You guys are sort of even now.”
* * *
~jason~
“So,” said Chance, “I won the spelling bee today, because I spelled the word ‘desperate.’ My teacher says it’s a third grade word, but I spelled it right, because I’m really smart.”
I opened the car door for him and leaned over to undo his seat belt.
“Daddy, I can do that myself,” he said.
I held my hands up. “Sorry.”
He unbuckled himself and bounded out of the car. “Did you hear what I said about the spelling bee?”
“Chance, where’s your back pack?”
He sighed. “It’s in the back seat.”
“Get it,” I said. “If you have homework—”
“Okay, okay.” He glared at me and reached into the backseat to get his backpack. He slung it over his shoulder.
I shut the door. “You got that?”
“Of course.” He started for the door to the house. “You’re not even listening to me.”
“I’m listening, buddy,” I said. I wasn’t listening. The kid talked a lot. Nonstop, in fact. And he wasn’t, you know, always really great telling stories. Sometimes, he would recount the most inane things, like how his friend had a peanut butter sandwich, and he really wanted turkey and cheddar. I loved Chance more than life itself, and I wanted him to feel that, but sometimes—even in the best of circumstances—I tuned out a little bit.
And right now was not the best of circumstances.
I had barely dragged myself out of bed this morning to get him off to school. I was hungover as fuck after drinking so much the night before. The minute he was gone, I’d gone back to bed. I still felt like shit though. And all I could think about was Jude and Azazel.
Naked.
Together.
“So, then what did I just say?” Chance demanded.
I rubbed my face. “Look, buddy, I’m not having a really great day here.”
“Well, I am,” he said. “I won the spelling bee. And you don’t even care.”
I should have known better than to try to illicit sympathy from a seven-year-old. He lived in a universe that was all about him, him, him. I ruffled him on top of the head. “I care. Good job.”
“I’m really smart.”
“You are really smart, but it’s not nice to brag about it.”
He put his hands on his hips. “I’m not bragging. I’m just telling you.”
“You know, you’re kind of being bratty, Chance. You don’t have to yell at me.”
“I’m not yelling.”
My head pounded. I pulled open the front door.
Chance scampered inside.
“Do you have homework?”
He nodded. “Some math and some social studies. If I go do it now, can we go to the park afterward?”
Ugh. The last thing I wanted to do was to go to the park. I wanted to go back to bed, possibly for the rest of my life. But what kind of dad would I be if I didn’t reward the kid for doing his homework? “If you get it done in an hour. You think you can do that?”
He nodded. “Oh yeah. It’s not very much at all. I can get it done really quick. You’ll see.” He sped off, deeper into the house. He usually did his homework at the dining room table.
“You got to really do it,” I called after him. “Not just half-ass it.” Then I winced. Now I was saying swear words to him. I didn’t particularly think it made a difference one way or the other, but Mina wasn’t crazy about her little boy saying ‘ass.’”
Chance turned to me and giggled. “You said a bad word.”
I hung my head. “I did. I completely suck. Don’t say words like that.”
Someone was coming down the steps. I lifted my head.
Motherfucker. It was Jude.
I glared at him.
He met my eyes for a second and then he looked away.
I turned back to Chance, my voice strained. “Come on, buddy, I’ll help you get set up.”
“I don’t need you,” said Chance. “Come back in a half hour and check on me, okay? You’ll see how well I’m doing.”
He really was kind of an awesome kid that way. He had this built-in motivation center when it came to school stuff. He’d quickly internalized the idea that he needed to do his school work before playing, and he never tried to wriggle out of it. When it came to cleaning up his room, well, that was another story, but…
Chance skipped down the hallway and out of sight.
Jude had come down to the bottom of the steps. “She told you.”
I couldn’t look at him. “Let’s not do this, okay?”
“She said she was going to tell you,” he said. “I didn’t know when, but she obviously told you.”
I clenched my hands into fists. “Stop talking. Can you do that?”
“It’s not like I did this on purpose,” he said.
“Oh, but you hated every second of it.” I advanced on him. “You’ve wanted her ever since we were kids, and that was probably the best night of your life. Deny it.”
He backed up. “I’m not trying to get into a fight.”
“Because you’d lose.”
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
I shook my head. “You’re not worth it. Besides, I could beat you bloody, and it wouldn’t change anything. You make me sick, you know that?”
“It was an accident, Jason. The whole thing was an accident.” He took a deep breath. “She hates me because of it.”
I folded my arms over my chest. “That was it. The argument you guys had. It was you two fucking wasn’t it?” I’d noticed that there had been something up with Azazel and Jude lately. Jude had been sullen and withdrawn. The two used to be friends, but they hadn’t been spending time together.
“I never wanted to hurt her.” Jude turned his back on me and started into the living room.
Hurt her? What the fuck? I went after him. “What the hell do you mean by that?”
Jude was pulling aside the couch cushions. “I’m looking for my keys, Jason. I’m trying to get out of here. So, I’m sorry about all of this, but—”
I grabbed him by the arm and stopped him. “What do you mean ‘hurt’ her? How exactly did this thing between you two go down? What’d you do to her?”
He shook me off. “You want me to paint you a picture? That it? You want to hear how I bent her over the couch or all the places she put her mouth?”
I punched him. I slammed my fist into his face.
He stumbled backwards, cradling his jaw with his chin. But when he looked up at me, he was grinning. “Whatever I did to her, she wasn’t complaining at the time. You know how that aphrodisiac works. It makes everything, you know, so much more… intense.”
My whole body started to shake. “You bastard.”
Jude wiped his mouth. I’d split open his lip, and he was bleeding.
I was glad.
He was still smiling. “Burns you up, I bet. I mean, how many chances have you had to knock her up? Tons and tons, right? Me? First time, got the job done.”
I tackled him, and we both went down on the rug in front of the couch. I punched him again.
He laughed at me. “You’re very predictable, Jason. Things don’t go your way, you start smashing things.”
I let go of him and scrambled to my feet. Fuck him. “Just… don’t talk to me, okay?”
Jude slowly got to his feet. He gingerly examined his face. He wasn’t bleeding anywhere else, which was kind of too bad. He flinched a little, and t
hen he went back to the couch cushions.
I stood there, watching him.
He pulled aside the last one and found his keys. He swept them up and started replacing cushions.
“That’s it?” I said.
He looked at me like I was an idiot. “You told me not to talk to you.”
I wanted to strangle him.
He spread his hands. “What do you want from me? Azazel hates me. She acts like I raped her. You’re treating me like a punching bag. And you know what the really funny part about all of it is? What I did with her under the influence of mind-altering drugs? That’s the only time I’ve ever done it. So, any time you want to trade places with me, Jason, let me know. Because my life kind of sucks.”
I swallowed. I’d taunted Jude once before, when we were locked up, insinuated that he was a virgin, and he hadn’t argued with me about it, but I hadn’t given my stupid brother’s sex life a lot of thought since then.
I really hated him. I pretty much had always hated him since I first laid eyes on the asswipe. And I didn’t even know he was my brother back then.
But now, standing in front of me, blood trickling out of his lip, his stupid keys dangling from one hand, his face twisted into a bitter smirk, I felt… sorry for him.
I took a step back. “Look, Jude…”
He pushed past me. “Okay, that’s worse. I’d rather you hit me than pity me, okay?”
I started after him. “Maybe if you went out more or—”
“Shut up.” He whirled on me. “You know, you always go on and on about how terrible your fucking childhood was, with people trying to shoot you and shit, but you never take into account the fact that you get to be this badass because of that. And me? Well, I was just some kid that got picked on because Crazy Lady Weem was my mother, and then when I actually got to try to do something, I had to pretend to be gay. I spent pretty much the rest of my life locked up underground. So, I don’t know, Jason, which of us had it worse, huh?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets. I wasn’t sure what to say. “Uh… look, maybe if we—”
“No,” he said. “I don’t want you to help me.” He leaned close. “Zaza was insatiable. I fucked her at least four times. And she screamed my name when she came.”
I cringed, images flying through my head. I was unable to move or speak.
He put his hand on my chest and shoved me backwards.
I stumbled.
And when I regained my balance, he was already slamming the front door after himself.
* * *
~azazel~
When I got to the apartment I used at headquarters, Jason was there. He was standing in the middle of the living room. When I came in, he looked up at me with fiery eyes.
“Jason,” I said. “You okay?”
“This where it happened?” he said.
“What?”
He pointed at the couch. “This the couch he bent you over?”
And then I knew what he was talking about. I flashed on it—Jude’s hands on my naked skin, both of us breathing hard. I shuddered. “Please, I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Well, I don’t want to think about that,” he said. “Except the fucked-up thing is that I can’t stop thinking about it. And after Jude’s little blow-by-blow earlier, I keep imagining it in 3-D Technicolor.”
“Jude gave you a blow-by-blow?” I felt disgusted. “That fuckwad.” I crossed the room and went into my bedroom. I threw open my closet and started pulling clothes out and throwing them onto the bed. “He liked it. He acts all apologetic about it, but I know he liked every second of it. Whenever I think about him liking it, I just want to take his face and smash it in.”
Jason followed me into the bedroom. “What are you doing?”
“Well, right after it happened, I wanted to move into a different apartment, but I couldn’t figure how I’d explain it to you, so I stayed here. But now you know, and it upsets both of us, so I’m going to take my stuff somewhere else. There’s tons of empty apartments up here, you know?”
“He didn’t make it sound like you were very upset,” said Jason. “And you don’t have to put on some kind of act for me.”
I turned, gripping a hanger with a white blouse on it. “An act? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Don’t lie to me, Azazel. I know how that aphrodisiac shit works. You enjoyed it. You liked fucking him.”
What? I couldn’t believe Jason was saying that.
Jason’s voice taunted me. “He says he got you off.”
I felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t sure if it was from the conversation or from being pregnant. I slammed the blouse into Jason’s chest and rushed to the bathroom.
Lifting the lid of the toilet, I heaved.
“Azazel?” Jason sounded unsure now.
I stood up, flushing the toilet. “Fuck you, Jason Wodden. Fuck you.”
“Are you okay?”
“Get the hell out of here,” I said. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to look at you.”
“Why are you throwing up?”
“I’m pregnant, genius.” I slammed the toilet lid back down.
“Oh.” He looked down at his shoes. “I don’t like the idea of anybody else touching you.”
I looked at him. “I know that. I don’t like the idea of it either.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Well, it’s not like you haven’t been with other people besides me.”
I got to my feet. “So have you. But never when we were together, only when we were broken up.”
He took a deep breath. “You know, I was such an idiot about sex when we first got together, and you acted like everything was fine, and I guess I still… Sometimes I worry that you’re pretending. That I’m not pleasing you.”
“Seriously?” I glared at him. “We were both idiots, Jason.” I pushed past him and went back into the bedroom and began yanking more clothes out of the closet. “We were seventeen. Nobody knows how to do shit then. We were virgins before each other, and there’s no way that we could have known.”
He followed me. “Well, apparently, you thought Jude’s first attempt was adequate.”
I froze. “What?”
“Me and Jude,” said Jason. “Same mommy, same daddy. Our names begin with the same letter. And we both lost our virginity to you.”
My lips slowly parted. “He told you that?”
Jason nodded.
“And you’re seriously insecure about this?”
His face twitched. “I wouldn’t call it insecure, exactly.”
“I would.” I crossed my arms over my chest. I felt a sick sort of pity for Jude now, mixed in with my anger and disgust.
“Look, it’s only… how am I supposed to exist in a universe where you’ve had sex with Jude? How am I supposed to handle that? All the times that we’ve made love since then, have you been comparing our techniques in your head?”
“What?” I was appalled. “Jason, I do my best never to think about it. Besides, it’s not like there was technique. That aphrodisiac turns people into animals. We were, you know, it was…” I felt nauseated again. I left the bedroom. “I think I need to throw up.”
He looked alarmed. “Is it normal for you to be throwing up this much?”
I headed for the bathroom. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Jason.”
He followed me.
I lifted the lid on the toilet, but nothing happened. I stared down at it. “I can’t believe you’re seriously asking me if you’re a better lover than Jude.”
“I didn’t say—”
I shut the lid of the toilet and left the bathroom. “Of course you are. Of course you’re the best lover I’ve ever had. Of course you’re it, Jason. You’re the one. I chose you. And believe me, there were a lot of reasons not to choose you. But I chose you anyway, because you’re Jason, and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, and I never will.”
“There were a lot of reasons not to choose me?” He
leaned against the bathroom door.
I stood in the kitchen, staring at him in disbelief. “Well, you shot my little brother. Not to mention the, god, hundreds of people you’ve killed.”
“Oh, right back at you, Miss Witch of the OF.” He squared his shoulders. “Hell, you tried to kill me more than once. I never tried to kill you.”
“What?” I said, agape. “What was that thing you did in the Sons’ castle in England then? That wasn’t trying to kill me?”
“I was not in my right head at that moment. You know I don’t want you dead.”
“Well, I don’t want you dead either. Which is why you’re not. I didn’t kill you. I couldn’t. Witness your very much aliveness.”
“Look, none of that shit is important. It’s all in the past, and we’ve moved on from that.”
“Right,” I said. “The two of us, we’ve been able to work through immensely bad shit. But you’re freaking out because you’re worried that I had a few orgasms while my body was shot through with orgasm-making juice.”
“That’s not what it’s about.”
“What is it about?”
“You lied to me.” He pressed his lips together in a tight line.
“To protect you.”
“It’s a big fucking lie, Azazel. You kept this huge thing from me.”
“I’m sorry, but—”
“And if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, you would never have told me. I would never have known.”
“Well, you didn’t need to know. It’s tearing you apart, and I wanted to save you the pain of—”
“You don’t get it at all. I can’t trust you.”
I shook my head. “Bullshit, Jason. I’m the only person you can trust. I’m the only person on the face of the fucking earth that would put up with every screwed-up thing about you and not leave your ass.”
He laughed. “What? You did leave me. You kicked me out and told me never to come back. After the thing with Chance—Big Chance—you abandoned me.”
“The thing with Chance left him paralyzed from the waist down, you ass.” I glowered at him. “You don’t get to do this. You’re not allowed to be upset about my lying to you or whatever. This doesn’t even compare to all the fucked-up things you have done to me over the years. This wasn’t even my fault. I didn’t want to sleep with Jude and get knocked up because of it.”
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