I crossed my arms and looked up at the ceiling. “Maybe I haven’t been… you know, fair to you.”
“What?’
“You have to understand that when I think about what happened, it’s like remembering some kind of traumatic violence. I know you didn’t mean—”
“I get it,” he said. “I’m not trying to push.” He studied the carpet. “You know, thinking about it isn’t comfortable for me either. It’s very confusing and fucked up and weird.”
I studied him. “Is it? Is it really?”
He spread his hands. “Yes. You know me, Azazel. Under normal circumstances, would I ever have done that to you?”
I chewed on my lip. Jude had done some bad things when we first met him. But underneath it all, I knew he was an insecure person who wanted acceptance. And he’d never tried anything with me before, even though a few months ago, after the incident with the aphrodisiac, he’d pretty much confessed his undying love for me.
Still, if he really cared about me, it would probably make him less likely to want to hurt me, not more.
He rubbed his forehead. “I know I haven’t helped things. I was kind of an ass to Jason.”
“Yeah, what did you say to him exactly?”
“Things I shouldn’t have said.”
“You really shouldn’t have,” I said.
“I’m sorry.” He looked really pathetic.
I thrust my hands into my hair. “I don’t know, Jude. I can’t erase what happened. When I’m near you, it makes me feel awful.”
His shoulders slumped. “I never wanted that.”
I could see that he was telling the truth.
He raised his gaze to meet mine, and he looked so sad. “We used to be friends, Zaza. I can understand if we can never be friends again. I can see why you wouldn’t want that. But if you ever cared about me at all, could you find some way not to freeze me out of the baby’s life?”
I twisted my hands together.
“It’s the only vaguely good thing in my life right now. When you guys brought me here, and I met Chance, and I got the opportunity to be an uncle, that was kind of huge for me. And I love that kid. He’s so amazing, you know? And no matter how the baby started, part of it comes from me. I want to be able to know the baby. I want to try to be a father. I know you don’t have to let me—”
“Jude.” I held up my hands to stop him from talking. I was feeling like I might start crying because he was too pitiful, and, despite everything, my heart was going out to him. Also, being pregnant made me really sensitive to shit like this. “We’ll work something out. I promise.”
“We will?”
“Yes. You will know this baby. You are its father. I can’t deny you the right to know your own child.” I wasn’t a monster. Neither was Jude.
His lower lip trembled, and he smiled again. “Thank you, Zaza. You have no idea what this means to me.”
* * *
~jason~
When the elevator doors opened, and I emerged onto the hallway in headquarters, Azazel and Jude were standing at the end of the hallway, hugging.
I stopped short, watching them.
He had his arms wrapped around her, and she had her face pressed into his shoulder.
Jude saw me first. He dropped Azazel like she burned him.
Azazel, startled, looked around. Then she saw me. “Jason, we were just talking.”
Jude put his hands in the air and started walking away from Azazel, back towards his room, back towards the elevator. “It was only a hug, man. You don’t have to start hitting me.”
I started moving then. I strode towards him, intercepting him, blocking him from walking down the hall.
He stopped and glared at me.
Azazel ran down to both of us. “Jason, don’t freak out, please.”
I didn’t look at her. I stared back at Jude. The two of us just looked into each other’s eyes.
“Look,” said Azazel, “Jude and I were talking. He wants to be part of the baby’s life, and I said that we would work it out, and then he gave me a hug.”
I was still looking at Jude. “I don’t want you to be part of the baby’s life.”
“I’m the baby’s father,” said Jude.
“Well, I don’t want you to be the baby’s father,” I said.
“But I am,” said Jude.
“Why can’t you disappear?” I said. “Why can’t you go away and never come back?”
“Why can’t you let me have this one little thing?” he said. “You’ve got her, you’ve got Chance, you’ve got Hallam and Marlena and Grace and Boone and this whole life here. I have no one, Jason.”
“You don’t deserve to be a father,” I said. “You don’t deserve to have gotten her pregnant. She didn’t even want you.”
“I don’t deserve it?” Jude laughed hollowly. “I don’t know, Jason. I’ve never killed anyone.”
“You killed me,” I said. “You shot me in the head, and I stopped breathing. If I hadn’t been an immortal, you would have killed me.”
“I wish I had,” he said. “I wish you were dead.” He pushed past me in the hallway.
I started to go after him, but Azazel caught me by the arm.
“Don’t,” she said.
* * *
~azazel~
“I’m not saying I like it either,” I said as Jason and I got out of the car at the house. “I’m only saying that he has, you know, rights.”
Jason snorted. “Rights? Because he ejaculated?”
I was so frustrated. We’d been arguing about this ever since Jude had stalked down the hallway. “Yes, Jason, that’s how the world works. Men ejaculate. That’s what they do. That’s all they do. And that’s all that makes a guy a father.”
“That’s not all.” He strode up to the front door.
“Well, not exactly,” I said. “But in terms of making babies, yes. That’s the entire male contribution to the process.”
He yanked the door open. “He’s being an ass about it. He might have ponied up some DNA or whatever, but that doesn’t mean that he should get to be in your life forever.”
“Are you even listening to yourself?” I said. “It’s like you have no idea how the universe works. For the record, for the first six years of Chance’s life, you weren’t more than some DNA, you know.”
He stiffened. “Don’t say shit like that. I tried to stay away from him because I didn’t want to fuck him up. You know what our lives were like back then. You know what I was like. I stayed away from him for his own good, and if Jude had any shred of decency—”
I slammed the door. “Jason, how is it more decent for Jude or for the baby for Jude to run off? It might be nicer for you, I guess, but—”
“No, for you.” His nostrils flared. “You told me it makes you sick to be around him, and then you’re hugging him, and now you’re on his side.”
“I’m not on a side,” I said.
Someone cleared her throat.
Jason and I looked up. Mina and Chance were standing at the top of the steps.
Jason ran his hands through his hair and swore under his breath.
Chance looked very freaked out. “What’s wrong, Zaza?”
I clasped my hands together. “Nothing’s wrong, honey. It’s grownup stuff.”
Mina started down the steps. “You didn’t pick him up from school, Jason.”
He looked confused. “I thought you were doing that.”
“I did,” she said. “But I had to leave work early.”
“No, you always pick him up on Thursdays.”
“It’s Wednesday.”
“Shit,” said Jason.
She got a pained expression on her face. “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to swear in front of him.”
“Sorry,” said Jason.
Chance trailed down the steps behind his mother. “Why were you guys yelling?”
Mina folded her arms over her chest. “You’re scaring your son, Jason. Why don’t you tell hi
m why you’re yelling?”
Jason shut his eyes. “Look, buddy, it’s really complicated. Don’t worry about it. Everything’s fine.”
Chance’s eyes were big. “You know, my friend Clayton at school said that his mom and dad were fighting all the time, and then they got a divorce, and now he has two houses. Are you guys going to get a divorce?”
“No,” I said.
“Azazel and I aren’t married,” said Jason, giving me a pointed look. “You have to be married to get a divorce.”
I let out a frustrated sigh.
“You know what?” said Mina. “You obviously can’t take him right now. I’ll take him.” She looked down at Chance. “You can do your homework while Mommy gets some work done, okay?”
“I already did my homework,” said Chance. “Daddy and I are supposed to play Star Wars together. He said he would.” Chance had that Lego Star Wars video game, and he adored it.
Jason put a hand over his face. “Look, Chance, could we do that tomorrow?”
“I’m with Mommy tomorrow.” He looked up at her.
“Clearly, you have no time for your own child,” said Mina. “Even though you’re not actually employed or anything, so I’m not really sure—”
“Hey,” I said. “We’re going through some stuff here.”
“Well, this job is really important to me,” said Mina. “And Jason, you said you wanted more time with him, but you’re really flaking out here.”
I held my hand out for Chance. “Come on, Chance. Your mom and dad are both freaked out, but I can hang out with you.”
Chance brightened. “Really? Can we play killing vampires again?”
Jason’s face turned red. “You been playing that with him again?”
“No,” I said to Jason. Jason didn’t like when I played violent games with Chance. He wanted the little boy to grow up in a world where there were no guns and no killing, and he was a little anal about it.
“Azazel, if you two are having issues,” said Mina, “then I don’t want you to put Chance in the middle of it.”
“Not doing that,” I said, smiling tightly at her. Maybe she’d stop being so self-righteous once I had my own kid. She wouldn’t be able to hold her I’m-a-mom-and-you’re-not-so-you-couldn’t-possibly-understand attitude over me. “Come on, Chance.”
* * *
Chance sat down on the living room couch. “Are we going to play Star Wars?”
“Not yet,” I said. “I want to talk to you about some stuff, so you understand what’s going on with your dad and me.”
Jason was in the doorway. “Are you kidding?”
“He should know,” I said. “He’s going to have a new… cousin. And that’s a big deal.”
“Cousin?” said Chance. “Clayton has cousins. How am I going to have one?”
“Do you know what a cousin is?”
“Yeah.” He gave me one of his patented I-can’t-believe-you-think-I’m-that-stupid looks. “It’s when your aunt or uncle has kids.”
“Right,” I said.
“But I only have one uncle,” he said. “Uncle Jude.”
“That’s right,” I said. “I am having a baby, and Uncle Jude is its dad.”
Chance furrowed his brow. “But…” He looked at his father.
Jason glared at me. “Thanks, Azazel. This is a great thing to dump on him.”
Chance looked thoughtful. “That’s why Daddy’s mad at Uncle Jude. Because he should be the daddy of your babies.”
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s the way it should have been. It worked out different, and it’s making all of us feel kind of sad and confused.”
Chance nodded, his expression serious. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling at him.
Chance looked at Jason. “But you don’t have to be sad about it, Daddy. Because it can be like how it was for me. I had three different mommies.” He pointed at me. “You. And Mommy Mina. And Mommy Polly, who I never got to meet. So you and Uncle Jude can both be the baby’s daddy.”
I bit my lip. Chance was such an awesome kid.
Jason tried to smile at Chance, but his mouth twisted at the ends. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “Maybe you’re right, Chance.”
Chance looked back and forth between us. “You guys still love each other, right? You don’t love Uncle Jude now, do you?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“So,” he said. “It should be okay.”
I caught Jason’s glance across the room.
He closed his eyes. And then he stood up straight and came over to me. He kissed me on the forehead, and he knelt down next to Chance. “Hey, it is going to be okay, buddy. It’s going to be great.”
Chance smiled. “So, it’ll be kind of like I have a little brother. Or a sister. Clayton has two sisters. They’re both bigger than him. He’s the littlest, but I’ll be the biggest.”
“Yeah,” said Jason. “You definitely will.”
“Cool,” said Chance. “Can we play now?”
I laughed. “Definitely.”
* * *
“Ow,” said Jason.
“What?” I said. I was getting ready for bed. Jason and I had spent the entire evening with Chance, who was better at that video game than I was.
“I cut myself,” he said, his finger in his mouth. “Not a big deal. It’ll be healed in a minute.”
“Perks of being an immortal,” I said, yawning.
“You tired?”
“Yeah. Chance wore me out.” I flopped down on the bed. “God, that’s going to be my life for years and years. Exhaustion. Kids take so much effort.”
“They do,” he said. “But it’s totally worth it.”
I grinned at him. “You know, it’s not so long ago that you would have had no idea about being a parent.”
“True,” he said. “I screwed up a lot with Chance. And now you’re pregnant, and I’m screwing up more.”
I scooted up on the bed and pulled a pillow under my head. “You’re not screwing up. We’re in the middle of the shittiest, most complicated situation ever.”
He sat down on the bed. “Yeah, it’s all kinds of bad. But, you know, Chance made it pretty simple, didn’t he?”
My grin widened. “He did.”
Jason’s hand snaked over to rest on my belly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He pulled my nightgown up, baring my stomach.
We both looked at my swelling belly.
“I think you have a bump,” he said.
I squinted. “You think? I think I just look fat.”
“You look amazing,” he countered. He bent down and pressed his lips just under my belly button. “Hey in there,” he whispered.
That was nice. Too nice for words. I felt tears spring to my eyes.
Jason looked up at me. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m not.” I rubbed at my face. “It’s hormones. Everything makes me cry.”
He kissed me, his hand still resting on the protrusion of my stomach. “I’m sorry about being such a dick.”
I cupped his cheek. “You’re not a dick.”
He rested his forehead against mine. “I’m going to do better. Chance is right. Just because Jude is the baby’s father doesn’t mean I’m not the baby’s father too.”
I grinned. “I like that.”
He kissed me again.
I sighed happily.
Then I saw a streak of red. I furrowed my brow. “Jason?” I picked up his finger. “You’re still bleeding.”
He had a tiny little cut on the top of his finger. It should have healed by now. It was so small. Jason could heal much worse wounds than this much faster.
He looked at his finger. “That’s weird.”
CHAPTER SIX
~azazel~
The minute the lights went out, I was asleep.
I dreamed.
In my dream, I was back in the apartment in Bradenton, Florida that I’d shared with Jason and H
allam. Lilith was sleeping on the couch, and I was tiptoeing around her to try to get to school in the morning.
I stepped on something on the floor—a bag of chips—and there was a loud crackling sound.
Lilith stretched and woke up. “Zaza?”
“Sorry,” I said, reaching down to pick up the bag.
She rubbed her eyes. “It’s cool. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Congrats on the brat, by the way. Remember when I teased you about having babies with Toby?”
I looked down and realized that I was heavily pregnant, my stomach stretching out the tiny t-shirt that I was wearing. I put my hands over the swath of bare skin between my shirt and pants.
The baby moved.
Lilith got up. “Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you, don’t sweat the fact you killed me. It’s not that big a deal. I probably wouldn’t have had a great life, anyway. I was destined to end up fucking some abusive dickwad or something.” She turned around, and I could see that the back of her head was missing. A big chunk of her skull had been blown out. It was red and weeping, like a side of bloody beef. A few flies hovered around the wound. Others buzzed up to the light in the ceiling.
I felt like I was going to throw up.
Lilith went to the door. “Well, come on. We have shit to see.” She opened the door.
I looked around the apartment, not wanting to follow Lilith. “Where are we going?”
The door to the bathroom opened up, and Jason stumbled out, holding out bloody hands towards me. He was covered in blood, just liked he’d been that night that he’d come home after going after Sutherland.
“Azazel,” he said. “I need you. Without you, I’m nothing.”
I backed away from him. From the blood.
I collided with Lilith. She laughed. “Well, you picked a prince, let me tell you, Zaza. He’s so romantic.”
“I can’t stop,” Jason said. “I can’t stop killing Lilith.”
“I killed Lilith,” I breathed.
“That’s right, you did,” she said. “Blew my brains out.” She grabbed me by the sleeve and tugged. “Come on.”
Lilith dragged me out of the apartment, but when we got through the door, we weren’t outside.
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