by Carter Ashby
“You don’t think he’ll come see me first?”
He was joking. “Depends on if you can beat what Zoey’s offering.”
“Definitely not.”
“Didn’t think so. So I was wondering if my kids—”
“I already said yes.”
“To letting them stay up here this evening?”
“Yeah. Not a problem.”
“There will be a babysitter with them. A stranger in your home.”
“Whatever you need, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. “Okay. So—thanks.”
“Sure.”
Once again her eyes dropped to his chest.
“I was lifting weights,” he said.
“Oh.” She forced her eyes back up.
He grinned. “Been a while, huh?”
She blushed. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She turned and opened the door, but he reached around her and pushed it shut. The gesture sent her heart pounding in fear. It took her a moment to catch her breath. If Jayce decided to try something with her, what would she do? He could easily overpower her. But no…this was Jayce, not Damon. He could have hurt her any number of times in the past and he never had. She forced herself to calm down.
“How long’s it been, Maya?” he asked.
She faced the door with his hand inches from her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He lowered his voice; his tone becoming more serious. “How long?”
She sighed. Breathed. Breathed again. “A while,” she whispered.
“Was…” He stopped for a long moment. “Was he good to you? Ever?”
She couldn’t believe he was asking her these things. She couldn’t believe how good it felt to be asked. “In the beginning.”
“And then?”
“And then there was no more lovemaking. Only brutal…taking.”
His body heat warmed her back. She closed her eyes and felt—not at all sure how to judge the feelings. She took in a shaking breath and turned to face him. She forced her eyes to his—his very kind, gentle eyes. His very heated eyes.
He studied her for a moment before pushing off the door and taking two steps back. “How’d he make a sweet girl like you love him, Maya? How?”
She blinked. Fidgeted. Something in his words was making her nervous in a different way than before. Almost a good kind of nervous. “I don’t know. I was scared at home. He made me promises I desperately wanted to believe.”
Jayce’s eyes, still kind, still warm, were the only indication of what was going on inside his head. His posture was relaxed, his expression blank…cold, even. Just those eyes, which she was finally learning to look into. “Promises,” he said. “You still want to believe those promises?”
She hugged her waist. “My eyes are open to who he is. What he is. But yes, sometimes, when I’m feeling really desperate, really alone, I wish I could go back to the way things were.”
His jaw muscles tensed, the only visible change. “It was easier.”
She let out a breath and a laugh. “Yeah. Exactly.”
“Were you happy?”
“No.”
“But you felt safe.”
“It was more that I was less afraid of him than of being on my own.”
He studied her, leaning against the back of his sofa. “I was thirteen, the last time Norris hit me. I distinctly remember switching over from fear to anger. I guess I’d always been both, but that fight…Jesus.” He shook his head and looked away. “I’d mowed the lawn for him. I thought I’d do something nice. It was a pretty day. I was feeling good. But I wasn’t supposed to touch his tools, and that included the lawn mower. So he came home and turned on me. Said, ‘You touch my mower, boy?’”
Jayce laughed at the memory. “It just flipped for me. All of a sudden like that. I’d always been more afraid of being without a father than of being beaten by one. But he said that to me, after I did that hard work as a favor to him. Suddenly, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. I said, ‘I mowed the fucking lawn for you, asshole.’ Because I knew if I cursed at him, he’d snap, and that would be the end of it.”
Maya felt chilled. She moved toward him a step and hugged herself. “I remember you being in the hospital in fifth grade—well, seventh grade for you, I guess.”
He gave her a strange look. His head was just barely cocked to the side, with a hint of a frown creasing his forehead. “That? You remember that?”
She shrugged. “It was a big deal in school. So much gossip. I remember being really upset by the gossip. I remember having bruises beneath my clothes and feeling jealous that yours were out in the open.”
He continued assessing her, if that was what he was doing. “They put me in a foster home after that. Just for a while, though. Since he passed all his drug tests, and I refused to say he’d hurt me, they let me go back.”
“Why would you want to?”
“Same reason you didn’t want to leave your home. Right? You never told anyone you were being hit. Home’s home, even if it is hell. Anyway, I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. That fight, I fought back. I remember it like it was five minutes ago. I just let go of everything, every fear, and just tore into him like I didn’t care if I lived or died. And I didn’t, either. In that moment, I’d have rather died than be beaten by him again. He did beat me, but not without some scars of his own. And he was scared shitless of his ‘crazy asshole son’ ever after. Never laid a hand on me again.”
She suddenly felt the urge to touch him. She didn’t, though. But with his beautiful body there in front of her, his broken and pieced together soul, she desperately wanted to touch. “I never fought back,” she said. “I know the anger you’re talking about. I understand that moment you just described. But I’m so afraid of becoming that. If I let go and let loose that…rage, would I ever be able to come back?”
He shrugged. “I did.”
“Did you?”
His laugh was incredulous. “Do I seem damaged to you? Unstable?”
She swallowed. “Not unstable.”
He gave her a wry, half-grin. “Well that’s something, at least.”
She bit her lip and looked away, unable to stare into the depths of his eyes any longer.
“That rage, Maya…it’s a part of you. And I don’t think it’s bad to have that beast inside of you. Like everything in life, you’ve just gotta find a balance. You can’t be so civilized you get trampled by the bad guys in this world. And you can’t become one of the bad guys.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I fight if I have to, but I try not to have to. That’s how I balance it.”
“Do you think I should have fought, instead of walking away?”
“I think, by walking away, you are fighting.”
She met his eyes and saw sincerity. She smiled. He smiled back. Then he pushed off the back of the couch and came toward her. She immediately stepped back and he stopped. “I don’t bite, Maya,” he said, not at all playfully.
She nodded. “I know,” she agreed, feeling she owed him at least a chance.
“When you back away from me and show me you’re scared, you’re giving me power. You need to stand there and know that you have the right to stand there.”
“Defend my space.”
“That’s right, honey.” He moved toward her again, and this time she stood firm. He closed the distance until they were nearly touching, him towering over her. “This okay with you, me standing this close?”
“I’m a little uncomfortable.”
“Then tell me to back off.”
She giggled and found herself staring at his chest. “Back off,” she said shyly.
“I don’t want to. I don’t think you mean it.”
“Back off,” she said more strongly, this time.
He edged a little closer.
“Back the fuck off,” she said, and shoved him in the chest.
He stumbled back, with a big grin on his face. “Perfect.”
She was grinning, t
oo. “Felt good.”
He nodded. “All right, so let’s see more of that, huh? What do you do if someone gets grabby with you?”
“Tell them to stop?”
“That a question?”
She smiled up at him.
“Let’s try it,” he said. He came toward her and slid a hand around her waist. “Hey, baby,” he said, mimicking a grabby customer. “You are looking tight tonight, girl.” He dipped his lips into her hair and then next to her ear.
“Stop,” she said, too weak at first. And then, “Stop!” Only it came out more of a complaint than a command.
He stepped back. “You sounded like a victim, there. Like you were hoping I’d stop but didn’t believe I would. Try again.”
“Hey, asshole, stop.” This time in a firm, loud voice.
“Better. And if it’s a real problem, do what I did to that guy last Friday. Find a finger or nose or ear or something you can bend to get him to let go, and then back away. By that time, I’ll be there to help.”
“What if you aren’t around?”
“You mean outside of the bar?”
She nodded.
“In that case, don’t hurt—injure. Go for the balls. Scream, bite, claw. Don’t hold back. Out on the streets where help could be minutes away, you tap into that rage beast inside of you and don’t back down.”
She nodded. “Okay. Okay, I can do that.”
“Yeah? You feel a little better?”
“Yeah. A little.”
“This weekend, I expect to see you smacking some hands away, okay? Don’t let them grab your ass unless you want them to.”
Smiling, Maya nodded, truly feeling braver.
“I back up all you girls, too. I’ll kick a guy out if you tell me it needs done, no questions asked. Got it?”
She laughed. “Yeah. Got it.” He was smiling so brightly, now. So friendly. “Thanks, Jayce. This feels good. I feel better.”
“Good.” He came toward her, and this time, she pressed her hand to his chest and held him back. He grinned. “I was just gonna open the door for you.”
“Oh. Yeah. Thanks.” She let him slip past and open the door. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later, Maya.”
She was down the stairs when she heard his door click shut.
#
Wednesday was their slowest night of the week. Jayce let Janice go at ten, but she clocked out, sat down at the bar and had a drink instead of going home. He wanted her to go. He wanted to be alone with Maya. But it was probably for the best that he wasn’t.
When Maya had arrived at his apartment with her kids, he’d left as soon as he could. It felt a little too—cozy. A little too domestic. A little too much like something he wanted but couldn’t have, so he’d told her to make herself at home and immediately gone downstairs.
In the bar, Maya seemed to actively avoid being alone with him. Which he didn’t understand, as he’d thought their conversation earlier had gone really well. She’d been way more open with him than ever before. Now she was picking up empty glasses and cleaning tables. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her.
“How come we don’t have uniforms?” Janice asked. She stirred her fruity drink with a straw.
“Huh?”
“Uniforms. We all just wear shorts and t-shirts. We don’t match. We don’t have the bar logo on our shirts.”
He leaned on his forearms and watched her. She’d been doing this all week. The lights are too bright. We never have live music. Wouldn’t it be fun to have theme nights? You should have a specialty drink on weekends. And now uniforms. “You want uniforms so you can display the bar logo?” he asked Janice, who’d never, in all the time he’d known her, expressed strong opinions about anything.
“Well, that, and just so we can dress in keeping with the atmosphere.”
“The atmosphere?” he repeated slowly. The word sounded so foreign on Janice’s lips.
“Yeah. Because there’s so much personality in this building.”
“Really?” He glanced past her at Maya, who was too far away to hear them. “It’s interesting, Janice. I’ll think about it.”
“Good. Maya’s got some really cool ideas about uniforms.”
“Does she?” He pulled himself a beer, leaned back against the counter, and drank.
After Janice left, Maya went about her work, studiously avoiding going anywhere near him for anything other than a drink order. He stood behind the counter, resting on his forearms and watching her every move. She had her hair up in a ponytail, loose curls falling down around her face and neck.
She was doing better, making eye contact and smiling at the customers. But then, on weeknights, they got fairly well-behaved customers. The true test would be Friday and Saturday nights.
At last, it was time to close. They quietly worked, cleaning glasses, putting chairs on tables, locking up doors, turning off lights…and then they met in the hallway. He gestured for her to lead him up the stairs.
She went in. Her babysitter was a sixteen-year-old girl with black hair and her nose buried in an iPhone. “Hey,” the girl said.
“Everything go okay?” Maya asked.
“Yeah.” The girl stood and slid her phone in her pocket. Maya handed her some cash. “The kids are asleep in his bed. They wanted the television on. I gave them milk and Oreos before bed, I hope you don’t mind.”
“That’s fine. Thanks, Kelsie.”
Jayce walked her out. The town was pretty safe, but it was nearly two in the morning, and he just couldn’t let a woman or girl walk to her car in the dark lot all alone. Once Kelsie was safely on her way, he ran back upstairs. Maya was in his bedroom, gently nudging Matthew. The boy groaned and pulled the blankets over his head.
“Maya,” Jayce whispered. He gestured for her to follow him out into the living room. “Don’t wake them up. Just spend the night.”
“Oh, Jayce, I can’t do that.”
“They’re already asleep. Climb in bed with them and stay the night. Or take the guest bed. I’ll take the couch. Hell, I sleep on the couch more often than not anyway.” Not exactly true, but he had been known to fall asleep on it once in a while.
Maya glanced back at her kids. “I didn’t bring anything to sleep in. I’m disgusting, and I need a shower. No, I should get them home.”
“I’ve got a shower. And clothes.”
“Clothes?”
“Well, a t-shirt you can borrow.”
The change in her was dramatic. The temperature in the room seemed to drop ten degrees in an instant. She paled. Her hands went to her stomach and started to tremble. “Are you trying to get me to have sex with you?”
Whoa, what? He gaped at her for a moment. “God. Um, no, Maya, I’m just offering to let you crash here.”
There was sheer terror in her eyes and her trembling body. And then gradually, the fear morphed into anger. “It’s really nice of you, but I think I’ll take them home.” The way she said it made him feel completely sleazy.
“Whatever you want. I was just trying to be nice.”
“Oh, I’m sure. But why? That’s what I wanna know. Why are you suddenly being so friendly?”
“Because we’re friends,” he said, beginning to feel a little angry himself.
“No we’re not,” she scoffed. “We went to school together, but we don’t know each other. We’re not friends. So what is this? You just helping me out because you’re a nice guy?”
He drew himself up, heat flushing his face. “Yeah, Maya, I’m a nice guy. I like you. We’re friends. And I want to help.”
She laughed bitterly and shook her head. “You know, maybe you’re being honest with me and maybe you’re not. But I’ve been pretty fucking naïve in the past, so I’m not going to take any chances.”
With that, she returned to the bedroom and proceeded to wake up her kids. Jayce leaned back on his kitchen counter, gripping the edges and fighting back frustration. What had he done but offer her a place to crash? And even if she sens
ed his feelings for her, it wasn’t as though he was pressuring her. Didn’t he have a right to his feelings? Wasn’t he as much a victim to them as she?
The kids shuffled out, bleary-eyed, bundled in their coats and clutching their backpacks. Maya had on her coat, though her legs were bare. This was ridiculous. He stepped forward. “Come on, Maya, just stay, or at least, they could stay and you could come get them in the morning,” he tried to reason. “Look at them.”
“Like I’m gonna leave my children alone in a stranger’s apartment? How stupid do you think I am, Jayce?”
Sophie made it to the couch before she stopped, fell on it, and was back asleep. Maya tried to lift her, but with her backpack, she was too heavy. Besides which, Maya had her hands full managing Matthew, who kept wandering in the wrong direction.
“Here, at least let me carry her,” Jayce said, reaching for the girl.
Maya turned around and shoved him. “Keep your damn hands off my children.”
He stepped back, thoroughly pissed off, now. He glared at her, with his jaw set and his eyes hard. He did what he did with anyone who pushed him the wrong way. He towered and intimidated. It was an instinctive response that he immediately regretted, but it was too late to undo it. “I don’t know what your fucking problem is, Maya, but all I’m trying to do is help. Now step away and let me carry your girl to the car.”
Fear replaced the anger in her eyes. He hated himself for it, but he didn’t know what to do. She held tight to Matthew’s hand and backed up. He scooped Sophie in his arms and then nodded toward the door. He followed her and Matthew down the stairs and out to Maya’s car. She opened the back door and he tucked Sophie into her booster seat. Matthew climbed in the other side.
Maya got in and drove away without another word. Jayce went to bed that night feeling sick and sad at the same time.
CHAPTER NINE
“You believed he was a danger in the moment. Do you believe he’s a danger now?”
Maya was back in front of her therapist, this time without the children. They were in school, and she had two hours before she had to open the bar with Jayce. “No,” she said. “I don’t think so.”