by Corey, PK
Chapter 21
To: Susan M.
Form: Megan T.
Subject: Maybe…
Things are going well here. Our love life is definitely better. He teases me a lot during the day and I can’t bend over for anything without a playful swat.
But the other day we were trying to get the garage cleaned up some and I was getting a little bossy and bitchy, I guess. Anyway, he gave me two hard swats and said, “Spankings don’t always have to be for fun.” He said that with no prompting from me!
I apologized and was as sweet as I could be for the rest of the day.
To: Megan T.
From: Susan M.
Excellent! It sounds like some of his dominant tendencies are coming to the surface. Just let them rise. You showed him what could happen if he let you know he didn’t like how you were acting, and those swats turned you into a sweet loving wife. That has to get a man thinking!
Chapter 22
Susan felt her writing was going better than ever. She was encouraged by the support she got at the book club. Every morning she worked steadily on her book and then after the briefest time cleaning, she headed out on her daily walk. She’d come to enjoy those solitary walks. Sometimes she worked on tricky parts of the book in her head. Other times she cleared her mind and simply soaked in the beauty of their new home. And then there were times she wondered about Hal and his true feelings about being an HOH.
They’d started off so strongly when they’d moved to Corbin’s Bend. Susan thought back to their total immersion weekend. Then, it had seemed to her that the old Hal was back. He took charge. He was dominant and firm that weekend, while still being her sweet Hal. She’d felt he’d hit on the perfect husband combination. But as had happened for the past twenty-five years, his use of discipline had dwindled.
As she struck out on her daily walk, she chose a trail she’d tried before. She hoped the beautiful views would calm her swirling thoughts. Today her mind wouldn’t get off the whole gist of DD and all it meant, or should mean, in their marriage. She had to admit this was mostly her problem, not Hal’s. She’d wanted rules and guidelines. Okay, she had some. Hal often spanked her when she didn’t follow them, which was what she wanted, but he didn’t do it right! Susan shook her head as she walked on. She wasn’t even sure of what she meant by not right and if she didn’t know, how in the world Hal was supposed to understand? It sure would help if he could read my mind.
As she walked, she couldn’t help asking herself, what’s wrong? Hal had made rules and for the most part she followed them. Occasionally he would give her a mild spanking if the house was a mess or she’d let the clean laundry sit around in the basket too long, but it never seemed real. It felt like he was spanking her because he felt she expected it—not because he really cared about the state of the house or the laundry. They felt more like ‘drive-by’ spankings where she would find herself suddenly over the bed or the couch for a few swats with no warning and no time for her to give it any thought or to take it seriously. When he did that, the spankings annoyed her.
Susan reached the place on the trail where it seemed the whole world spread out at her feet and she sat on a boulder and drank in the sight. The beauty of this place alone should soothe her soul, but still the niggling little thoughts, worries and doubts wouldn’t go away.
Hal was always up for a sexy spanking and Susan enjoyed them too. But they weren’t filling the hole she felt in their lives. If only some of Hal’s wonderful performance from their roleplaying would spill over into their real life. But so far, it hadn’t. She knew she could ask Hal for the kind of spanking she needed. But asking—having it be her idea—defeated the whole reason she wanted to be spanked in the first place.
She could be bold about breaking their rules; she could do something he couldn’t ignore. But the idea of bratting for a spanking at her age just turned it into another game. And she would just feel silly.
She sighed and tried concentrating on the view. She had an is-that-all-there-is feeling. What had I expected? Why do I sometimes feel sad when nearly everything in my life is going so well?
Maybe she should make an appointment with Traci Jackson. She was a psychologist here in Corbin’s Bend and certainly understood the lifestyle. Everyone said she was great at what she did. But how could Susan tell Hal she wanted to talk to a shrink? He thought everything was fine and she didn’t want to rock the boat. Then again, maybe the boat needed rocking.
There was more, Susan acknowledged. Something that she had a hard time admitting even to herself. I want Hal to punish me. There, she admitted it, at least to herself. Even sitting out here all alone, Susan inwardly cringed at the thought. What kind of idiot wanted to be punished? Susan tried to quiet her mind to almost a meditative state. She sat still, facing the beautiful valley, and tried to let the answer come to her without judgement.
In the quietness an answer did come to her: the idea of punishment, of someone taking the time to watch over me and discipline me if I’m not taking care of myself, is not only hot, it’s loving. Susan nodded, acknowledging to herself that what she was feeling was the truth.
Still in a meditative state, Susan thought, When Hal spanks me regularly, even if it’s a hard spanking for something serious, I know he is there for me. I feel happier about life in general. I feel loved and cared for. When Hal takes charge in that way, it makes me want to step up and do better for myself.
Susan continued to let ideas tumble through her mind until one kept repeating itself unrelentingly. Why?
Why to all of it? Why do I want to be controlled? Why do I want my husband to be dominant? Why do I long to be spanked, and why in the hell do I want to be punished?
As Susan sat, letting all these questions flow through her mind, only one answer surfaced. It didn’t matter why. She could ask why all day long and never get an answer she or anyone else could truly understand. All she knew was that it was true and that was what mattered. It’s what I want. This longing has been with me forever and it’s not going away. The longer Susan sat thinking, the more firmly she realized that for her this wasn’t simply a want, it was a need. A deep need.
Tucking that thought away for the moment, she concentrated on how she could make it a part of her relationship with Hal. Everyone in this lifestyle needed rules. That sounded reasonable, right? If they didn’t have rules how would either of them know where the boundaries were? Hal had made rules, but Susan realized he didn’t really care about them. Okay, they needed something, but the laundry/cleaning/cooking rules were really a joke.
What they needed was truth and honesty. Not that I’ve been providing much of that myself. But if Hal didn’t care about the household stuff, what did he care about? Was there anything he cared about enough to change their not-quite DD relationship into a real one? Could they turn it into something that he really wanted too?
He wanted them to be closer, she knew that. As she sat thinking, Susan knew that she wanted that too. But something held her back. She trusted Hal. She trusted him with her life, but could she trust him with her feelings and emotions? She didn’t know. It had been too long since she’d tried.
Her mind was digging at this, picking away to get to what she was really feeling. Could she explain this to Hal? How would it work? They couldn’t make rules about feeling closer, or about her fear of opening up. But that’s what they needed. If they could figure something out, then she wouldn’t feel like spanking her was something Hal had tacked on to his to-do list.
They could figure this out! They were two intelligent people who loved one another. They knew discipline when used correctly benefited them both. They lived here in Corbin’s Bend with tons of excellent role models. She could explain it again. She could make Hal understand that him stepping up and spanking her for things that mattered to him, mattered to them was what made her feel safe and cared for and loved. Suddenly she couldn’t wait to talk to Hal. She wanted to talk with Quincy and Jason too, but Hal first.
S
usan’s head snapped up. What time was it? Shit! It was getting dark, and cold. She quickly headed back toward town, but it was going to be completely dark by the time she got home. She reached for her cell but as she suspected, she had no service.
Using the flashlight on her phone, she hurried along as quickly as she could. Finally, she breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted the lights of Corbin’s Bend. Running the last few blocks, she reached the house and burst through the back door.
Hal looked up, relief flooding his face. He spoke into his phone. “She just came in. Call the others, please. I’ll talk to you later.”
Hal enveloped her in a hug as she began her apology. “Oh, Hal, I’m so sorry!” Susan gasped, nearly out of breath. “I was sitting… looking at the scenery… and wool gathering… and didn’t even notice how late it was getting. No signal on the phone… I knew how worried you had to be. I’m really sorry,” she repeated as her breath became more normal.
Hal said nothing as he continued to hold her. When he broke the embrace, he helped her off with her coat. “You had me scared to death! I called all your friends. No one knew where you were. We were about to go out looking, but we didn’t know where to start. Why didn’t you leave a note if you were taking one of the trails?” he snapped, angrily.
“I should have. But I didn’t mean to stay this long. I thought I’d be back well before dark. I guess time just got away from me.”
Susan could feel Hal’s enormous relief, but she saw that his face was hardening as she spoke.
“We’ll talk about this later. Sit down and eat. The soup’s hot,” Hal spoke shortly. He felt enormous relief that she was home, but now he was just getting madder.
Susan took her place at the table and Hal brought the soup over to her. After a few minutes of eating in silence, she said quietly, “Honey, please talk to me. I’m so sorry I frightened you. I promise it wasn’t intentional. It’s getting dark so much earlier and I just wasn’t paying attention. It won’t happen again.”
“I don’t want to talk right now. Finish your soup. Then I want you to wait for me in the bedroom. In the corner. Nothing on but your robe,” Hal told her in a firm voice.
Susan gulped down more explanation and apologies. Wasn’t this what she’d been wanting? She’d definitely done something that Hal was truly upset about. Just how upset, Susan guessed she was about to find out. It hadn’t been done on purpose, but had she stayed out so late subconsciously? Her heart seemed to be pounding out of her chest as she finished eating. Putting her bowl in the dishwasher, Susan headed toward the bedroom.
Hal took her arm as she walked by. “I repeat, wear your robe. Nothing else.”
“Yes, sir,” Susan answered quietly. The talk she had planned was going to have to wait just a little while. Maybe after a serious spanking was the perfect time. That was always when she felt the most open to him.
She undressed quickly, slipped on her robe and walked to the corner. She knew what she wanted to tell him once this was behind them. But now, with nothing to see, nothing to occupy her mind but what was in her immediate future, she wondered what implement he would use for this spanking. Several horrible choices floated through her mind. She hated the black brush, and the cane he’d picked up somewhere along the way was even worse. The acrylic bath brush was vicious and so was his belt, especially if he was angry.
Well, what do you expect him to use for a real punishment, a powder puff?
Susan’s jitters weren’t subsiding. She wished Hal would come and get it over with. Sadly, she realized that it wasn’t the spanking she wanted at the moment. It was the forgiveness, and the caring and the sense of security in Hal’s love she’d receive afterwards that she truly longed for. Was a hard spanking the only way to get there? Deep down Susan knew that, for her, the answer was yes.
Chapter 23
As Susan fidgeted in the bedroom, Hal paced the living room. He’d been terrified that something had happened to her. Every possible scenario had run through his mind as darkness fell—an animal attack, falling from a cliff, even kidnapping—all of them had tormented him.
Now he didn’t know what to feel. One part of him wanted to spank her until sitting would be no more than a distant dream. Another part just wanted to hold her to reassure himself that he hadn’t lost her.
Hal sighed as his anger dissipated. Other than scaring him, she hadn’t really done anything horrible. She’d gone for a scenic walk and lost track of the time. But that in itself was dangerous and keeping yourself safe was one of their rules. Hell, it was more than that, it was common sense. He couldn’t just let this go with a reassuring hug.
Susan heard Hal coming. He closed the door and came over to her. Untying her robe, he slipped it off and tossed it onto the bed. Standing close behind, he took her left arm and landed a sharp swat to her naked butt.
“You put me through hell tonight,” he began. “I felt helpless. I didn’t know if you were hurt or if you needed me and I had no way to find out. Your actions were careless, thoughtless, dangerous.”
Each of these three words came with a firm spank. If this was his warm-up, it surely was harder than what he normally did. He went on talking about responsibility, the possible dangers around their new home and their rule about keeping herself safe. Susan tried to listen, but she never knew when another burning swat would land.
As the sixth or seventh spank landed, Hal finished his lecture. Susan braced herself, wishing she could rub some of the sting away before the real spanking began. She was completely caught off guard when Hal began caressing her body in a prelude to sex.
“Aren’t you going to spank me?” she blurted out in confusion. Was that it?
“Do you understand what you did wrong? he asked.
“Yes. I shouldn’t have started that long a hike so late in the day and I should have left you a note telling you where I was going. I… I,” she hesitated, “put myself in danger,” she told him. Confusion and hurt began to twist her stomach as she tried to bring one of their rules to Hal’s mind.
“Exactly. I think you understand what you did wrong and I trust it won’t happen again. Right now, I just want to make love to my beautiful wife, to let her know how happy I am she got home safely.”
Stunned, Susan turned from the corner. She could feel it all crumbling: her newly found optimism, her newly felt openness, her desire to talk to Hal and explain all she had thought about on her hike. Never mind… she thought, as she looked at Hal. He didn’t want what she wanted. She had given him a legitimate reason to use discipline, although she hadn’t done it on purpose. But he didn’t even take it, he didn’t care enough to enforce his own rules. She kept her face blank as her defenses came up.
“Hal, I… I’m really tired. I think I’ll just take a shower and head to bed early if you don’t mind.” She saw the slightly hurt, confused look in Hal’s eyes, so she turned away from him and headed to the bathroom.
“Maybe I should spank you for being gone so long,” Hal began hesitantly.
“Another time, maybe. I’m not really in the mood for that either.” Holding on by a thread, Susan hurried to the bathroom and closed the door.
It’s not supposed to be like this, Hal thought to himself as he headed upstairs to his den.
Susan, sobbing in the shower, echoed his thoughts.
Chapter 24
To: Susan M.
From: Megan T.
Subject: Frustration
He’ll spank me for sex but ignores it when I act like a bitch sometimes. What gives? Doesn’t he care?
To: Megan T.
From: Susan M.
I can’t help you. It’s the same here. Maybe they don’t care.
Chapter 25
Susan slept in the next morning. Hal was gone when she got up and she wasn’t sure if she was hurt or relieved. Her mind kept wandering to the previous evening, but she kept dragging it back. She didn’t want to think about it.
She had to deal with calls from Quincy, Venia and Ange.
They each told her how frantic Hal had been as darkness fell and she was nowhere to be found. She apologized to each and had to assure them that, yes, Hal had certainly taken care of the situation. Which could have meant anything or nothing, the latter being basically the truth. But each call ended with the belief that Susan had been soundly spanked.
Sadness overwhelmed her. It felt like the death of a dream. This seemed different from the other times they’d let the idea of spanking go from their marriage. She guessed it was all over and done with. But what was over? Their attempt at a DD relationship? Their time in Corbin’s Bend? Their marriage? Susan didn’t know.
It was a miserable day. She didn’t write, she didn’t go for her walk, she just sat. Hal came home around four. He spoke pleasantly enough, then went out to the garage to tinker. Susan roused herself enough to fix supper.
They ate in relative silence. As they finished, Hal said, “That was great. I’ll help with the dishes.”
“That’s all right,” Susan told him. “I’ve got it. You can go back to whatever you were doing.” She grabbed their plates and began busying herself in the clean up.
“Susan, we need to talk. I’m not sure exactly what happened but you’re obviously upset. I have no doubt I did something wrong.” There was an edge of sarcasm in his voice. “But I don’t know what it was. Come sit down and talk to me.”
Susan clamped down hard on the surge of anger she felt. You don’t know what you did? You didn’t do a damn thing! That’s the whole fucking problem, she thought savagely.
“I don’t feel like talking. You haven’t done anything wrong. I just have a headache,” she told him, not looking at him as she spoke.