“I don’t want you to think for one minute that I’m justifying the lies that he told you. But, at least now, I hope that you can understand where he’s coming from.”
“That kind of tragedy would drive anyone to such lengths,” she said in his defense. “And I do understand why.” Tearing up again, she hugged her tightly. “I’d do anything to take your pain away. Anytime that you want to talk, Rosa, I’m here for you. I love you.”
“I love you, too, good friend,” Rosa murmured, squeezing her tight. “It’s a blessing that you’ve come into our lives. We all needed you.”
“And I needed you all. Together, we’ll all be whole.”
She frowned. “But, there’s one thing that I don’t get. You were an actual witness to the crime. Why weren’t they placed in jail?”
“When you have half the city on your payroll, it’s fairly easy. Their alibis were tight, and it couldn’t be proven that they were there. Basically, it was my word against theirs, and unfortunately, they didn’t believe me.”
“That’s all so wrong. It shouldn’t have happened that way. They deserve to pay for what they’ve done.”
“Tomorrow’s going to be a difficult day for Sebastian,” Rosa added, several minutes later, and faced her on the sofa. “Colin’s birthday is tomorrow, and he struggles when it rolls around each year. You’ve probably noticed that he’s been a little distant these past few days.”
“I have noticed, and I’ve been pondering as to the reasons why.” She studied her closely. “I know that you don’t want to get involved, and I don’t want it to seem that I’m betraying your confidence. But, these are the kinds of things that can’t be kept secret. I have to talk to Sebastian about this. I hope that you understand.”
“Of course, I understand. It’s time to put these ghosts to rest so that we can all move on and live happier lives,” Rosa added. “But, when you get ready to talk with him, proceed with caution. It’s a rather touchy and difficult subject for him.”
“I know that you’re right. But, I have to help him, regardless of how he’ll react.”
Rosa stood up. “Stay here. I want to show you something.”
“Ok,” she said, staying put, and watched as Rosa scurried across the room. When she returned, she had a large photo album in her arms. “Sebastian keeps this one hidden. Inside of it, there are photos of Caitlyn, Meghan, and Colin. It may be a good idea for you to take it upstairs and get it back to me as soon as you can.”
“I’d love to see Sebastian’s family. He’s been so secretive about them. As soon as I’m finished, I’ll leave it in your room.”
A few minutes later, after checking on Meghan and ensuring that she was fast asleep, she moved to her own room. Dragging the photo album along with her, she climbed onto the bed. Falling back against the pillows, she began perusing the family photo album.
After a little while, she glanced at the clock.
There was still time before Sebastian would get home, she mulled, flipping through the pages faster. But, soon, her head gave one nod, and then another.
The photo album tumbled to the bed unknowingly as she slept. But, then, she was awakened sometime later by a violent curse.
Yawning, sitting up on the bed slowly, still confused, she rubbed the sleep from eyes. Yet, at the sight of Sebastian leaning over her with an irate expression, she snapped awake.
“What the hell is this?” he snapped, snatching the photo album off the bed, and glared at her from the bedside. Then, as if disgusted, he turned away from her. “How did you get this?”
“Sebastian, please, don’t be upset. I can explain,” she stammered, seeing that he was upset, and crawled off the bed. She took in his tense form. “We need to talk about what---”
“In your haste to save my damaged soul, you decided to go through my private things?” he said sarcastically, turning to face her. “What gives you the fucking right to do that?”
“The fact that I care about you gives me the right. “Things have been going on for days now. You’ve been shutting me out,” she said, softening her tone. “Why?”
“We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you and what you’ve done,” he snapped, releasing a frustrated breath. “How did you get your hands on this?”
“Rosa and I were in the study talking.” Her face flushed red with guilt. “We didn’t think that it’d be any harm if I saw their pictures---”
“Are the two of you partners in crime now or something?” he asked, and his sharp words lashed like a whip. “I should’ve known something was up, you’ve both been whispering behind my back for days. Don’t think that I haven’t noticed.”
“It’s not a conspiracy, Sebastian. We love you, and we are both concerned---”
“And that gives you the right to invade my privacy?” he asked in disbelief.
“I’m not trying to invade your privacy,” she whispered, tearing up. “I just want to you to share your life with me. I’m sorry if you think that I was trying to be sneaky or to hurt you. I wasn’t. I’m just trying to understand.”
He stiffened as he turned his back to her. “Understand what?
She walked around him so that they were face to face. “Why you haven’t said anything about Caitlyn and how she died. Do you realize that this is the first time that I’ve learned your wife’s name? You never told me.” She glanced at his hands, noticed their violent trembling, and then closed hers on his. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore, baby. You’re not alone.”
“So, I’m supposed to unburden my problems and place them on your shoulders, right? Well, guess what, sweetheart, I don’t need shrinking,” he bit back, struggling to hide his pain, but it was too visible. “I’m not going to talk about this.”
“How can we not talk about it? It was your life at one time, and suddenly, it was taken away from you by tragic events.” She paused. “I saw the ruins and the tombstones. I know that they’re buried here.”
Again, the shock played on his face. “You went there?” he asked in disbelief, and couldn’t disguise his hurt and anger. “The entire area is off limits. No one is allowed out there.”
“When Meghan and I went riding out, I discovered it by accident. The other day, I went out alone,” she said, and her eyes swam with tears. “I couldn’t understand why the area hadn’t been cleaned off. It didn’t make any sense to me. I wanted to find out---”
“Maybe it’s not your place to understand,” he said coldly. “Did you ever think about that?”
“But, I want to understand.” The tears swam in her eyes. “Sebastian, you can’t keep holding onto that place. You have to let them rest. By doing that, it doesn’t mean that you’ll forget them or stop loving---”
“Don’t you even dare stand there and tell me that you know what I’m thinking of feeling,” he accused, and the pain flashed along his handsome visage. “You could never understand what I’m going through.”
She reached out to him. “Sebastian---”
But, his inner rage finally broke free.
Releasing a loud curse, he hurled the photo album across the room, and it landed on the other side of the bed somewhere on the floor. “I’m going out,” he said sharply, turning for the door. “I’ll be back sometime later. Don’t wait up for me.”
She grabbed his arm. “No, we have to talk about this.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk,” he bit back, jerking free of her hold. “As a matter of fact, I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”
She blinked at the tears. “You don’t mean that, Sebastian. You’re just hurt and upset, and you need someone to lash out at,” she murmured, finally caving in to the tears. “And I know why you’re running now. Tomorrow is Colin’s birthday, isn’t it?”
As she looked at him, the stark pain on his face resonated down deep in her soul. The hard tears filled his green eyes. “How did you know about my---”
Unable to finish his words, he strode away from her and towards the door.
“Stay the hell away from me!”
He snatched the door open hard, and luckily, it didn’t fall from its hinges. In angry strides, he tore across the landing.
“Sebastian, wait,” she cried out, running after him.
But, he was much faster than her, she realized as she reached the balustrade. Already, he was crossing the reception hall and heading for the door.
When she reached the bottom, Rosa stormed from the living area with a concerned expression. “What’s going on? I thought I heard raised voices.”
“It’s Sebastian,” she cried, breathless from both exertion and tears, and clasp the hand rail. “He saw that I had the family album and flipped. Oh, Rosa, I’ve never seen him this upset before.” Sobbing, she sank down on the bottom step. “I love him. I just want to help him.”
“I know you do,” Rosa soothed, grasping her arm. “Come on, get up. We don’t need Meghan to awaken and witness any of this.”
Nodding tearfully, she allowed herself to be led away. “He thinks that I’m trying to invade his privacy,” she sobbed, staring at Rosa with swollen, reddened eyes when they reached the kitchen. “But, that isn’t my intention at all. I was just looking at the album because I wanted to learn about that part of him. I only want to help him.”
“I know you do,” Rosa soothed, passing her a cup. “And he will, too. He’s just upset and emotional right now. Drink up, you need to settle your nerves.”
She took a sip of the mixture of whiskey, honey, and sweet milk, and then pushed it away. “Rosa, I’m sorry. But, I can’t just sit here drinking a toddy while Sebastian’s whole life is falling apart,” she said, leaving the stool. “I’m going to find him, and if my instincts aren’t wrong, I think that I know where to find him.”
***
The starry heavens were heavy with the full moon, and white light spilled across the grassy ground. Riding sans saddle, gripping the reigns tightly, Sebastian rode the black stallion hard across the wide open spread. The horse sensed his naked fury and charged ahead across the land at breakneck speed. Yet, the awful truth still chased his thoughts relentlessly.
A few minutes later, he reached his destination.
The no-trespassing sign had faded with the ages, he thought, climbing off the stallion’s back. But, it was obviously a useless barrier. Leading the horse forward, he then stopped at the fence before tying a rope around it to secure the horse.
Along the way, at the stables, he’d discarded the suit jacket and tie. Now, his white dress shirt stood open, baring his chest, and the dark trousers were marred with dirt and debris.
Uncaring of the barbed pieces, he grabbed the wire and didn’t even flinch as he went under. But, as he neared the burnt down home, there wasn’t any denying the wrenching pain that tore at his very soul. Like ghosts, their spirits seemed to howl in misery as he passed what once was the portico.
The portico crumbled in some parts as he stepped onto what was left of it. Though nothing remained of the house that was once theirs, he could remember every part vividly.
Even now, he could hear Colin’s childish laughter as they’d chased him up the stairs. Right here, at this same exact spot, Caitlyn had always greeted him with a kiss.
But, rather than the memories appeasing him, they angered him further. In one long stride, he left the portico before venturing further along the ruins. He bypassed the space where the gazebo had been, the swing set frame that lacked seats and a slide….
He walked on.
The broken path fell into view.
And the place where they were, he mulled, no longer able to control the gut wrenching sobs, it would always be sacred ground.
The branches and leaves slapped against him as he tore down the path. His harsh and erratic breathing marred the darkened shadows with its coming. Still, as he ran, he didn’t really see or feel anything but the misery and pain the enveloped him.
The path split.
When he met the wide open space, he stopped running, and then, looked round the graveyard with a wild, desperate look.
Alongside of each other, the stone gray tombstones stood, and the very sight of them crippled his resolve.
Breathing hard and fast, he let out the wounded sound before saying the broken word. “No.”
Like a drunkard, he stumbled blindingly towards the stone gray tombstones, and when he reached them, he dropped down to his knees
“Caitlyn, Colin,” he sobbed, barely able to catch his breath, and the pain constricted in his chest. “Dear God, how can I ever live with what I’ve done to you? I’ve failed you both in the worst possible way. I should be here not you.”
“Colin. My boy, my sweet boy,” he wept openly. “I’m a broken man without you son. I should’ve been a better father to you. It was my job to protect you. But, I didn’t, son. It’s my fault that you’re dead. If I’d been there, you wouldn’t be lying here right now.” His weeping made his words nearly indecipherable. “I love you, son.”
Overwhelmed with his emotions, he pounded the ground hard with both fists repeatedly and began to break through the dirt. His knuckles cracked, his flesh bled red, and he eagerly absorbed both the physical and emotional pain.
He fought to breathe as he looked at Caitlyn’s grave. Even now, wasn’t he betraying her in the worst way by loving another woman?
“I can’t find enough words,” he whispered. “You were an incredible woman, and I loved you. You were my friend---the mother of my children. You were good to me.” He looked to the sky with tear-filled eyes. “Every time I think of how you suffered and died, it sickens my soul. I’m sorry for what you had to go through. Like I failed our son, I failed you. I’m failing you now.” He gulped hard. “We were never ones for secrets, were we? I’m not about to start keeping them from you now.”
The graveyard howled with silence.
But, the quiet truth resonated beyond it.
“On the night that you left me, I made a promise to you. I vowed to never love another woman,” he whispered again, staring unseeingly at the tombstone. “But, it’s been a promise that I haven’t been able to keep. Caitlyn, I’ve fallen in love with another woman. Please forgive me.”
“I didn’t want to love her---I tried not to love her. But, I do,” he rasped, sucking in a painful breath. “She saved me, filling me with the breath that I thought that I was incapable of breathing in again. She made me see so clearly in the dark world that I lived in.” His words were low. “I need her in my life---Meghan needs her. We can’t let her go. I’m begging you to understand that.”
A gentle hand fell on his shoulder, and it was a touch that he knew so readily. Numbed, weakened, still kneeling on the ground, he turned to find Vanessa standing over him weeping.
“I love you,” she whispered, kneeling down on the ground before him, and wiped the hot tears from his face. “Baby, you can’t keep blaming yourself for what happened. You are not to blame. It’s not your fault. Please, stop punishing yourself for something that was out of your control.”
Sobbing uncontrollably, he clung to her, and like a dying man, he acceptable the inevitable truth. “They’re gone. Vanessa, they’re gone.”
“I know that you loved them,” she cried softly. “And I have no doubt that they loved you, too. But, do you really believe that they would want you to live like this---living a life of self-blame self-hatred. In my truest heart, I know that they’d want you and Meghan to be happy.” Pulling back, she cupped his face in his hands, and in her brown eyes, her deep love and acceptance of him shone. “Lately, I know that I really haven’t said the words, but I’m saying them now. I love you, and no matter how many times you run or try to push me away, I’m going to keep coming back.”
Releasing him, she faced the tombstones. “Colin, I know that tomorrow is your birthday, and I’m sure that you were a great kid, inside and outside. How could you not be considering that you have the sha
des of your father? I wish that I’d had the chance to know you, and I hope along the way that I’ll learn things,” she murmured, nearly overcome with her own emotions. “I’m sorry for what happened to you. But, I know that the little angels in heaven are taking care of you right now.”
As she looked at Caitlyn’s tombstone, she grasped his hand in hers. Her eyes swelled with more tears. “Caitlyn, I’m so sorry that you had to die such a brutal death. No human being should ever have to suffer that way. Just hearing about you from Rosa, I can tell that you were an extraordinary woman.” Though, she tried, she couldn’t stop her lips from trembling. “I’ll never take your place in Sebastian’s life, and I know that a part of him will always love you. You are Meghan’s mother, and you always will be. I’m not trying to replace you, not in anyway. I’m just asking that you understand that I’m a part of their lives now.” Her tears spilled over. “I love them so much, and they’re a part of me. Caitlyn, I swear to you that I’ll love and protect them both, above everything and all else. I promise you.”
She turned to him again.
Their eyes met and held in the shadows.
“They’re dead,” he rasped, finally absorbing the awful truth. The sobs racked his body. “They’re gone.”
“Baby, I’m sorry,” she consoled him, crying along with him, and hugged him close. “I’m so sorry.”
He held onto her tight.
Finally, he grieved for the wife and son that he’d lost.
***
The hard pelting rain arrived with clashing bolts of silver lightning just as they’d made it halfway from the stables. Grabbing hold of her, he did his best to shield her as they made a mad dash for the house.
When they reached the mansion, the driving winds were forceful and rough, and it seemed that they had to fight to against them to get the door open. On the umpteenth try, they finally succeeded. Drenched to the bone, soaking wet from head to toe, they entered through the back way of the kitchen. The lights were out, casting the space in darkness. But, the intermittent flashes of light from the growing storm provided some visibility.
The Darkest Days (Torn Apart Book 2) Page 22