He walked back to the chair and reached over to snuff out the cigarette, then faced her again. “It should be me lying in that bed, Evie. Me! It should be…me! That’s what my father would tell me, because I’m worthless. That young man lying in that bed is worth ten of me—a hundred of me!” His voice began to break, and he put his head in his hands.
Evie reached out and touched his hair, but he jerked away again. “Daddy, that man who raised you might have physically fathered you, but he’s not your real father. Your real father loves you a hundred times more than you love me and Lloyd…a thousand times more! And He doesn’t want you to hurt, and He knows you are worth all the gold in heaven. No human being can love as much as God Himself loves us, and He must love Jake Harkner an awful lot to have brought Mother into your life—and then Lloyd and me. He’s your real father, and you don’t need to put up all those walls around your heart, because God isn’t going to take away any of the good things He’s given you. Satan is trying real hard to keep you from all the love that surrounds you, by constantly bringing up the past, Daddy, but God is so much stronger than Satan…and so are you.”
Jake rubbed at his eyes and met her gaze. “There is just no getting through to you what I really am down inside, is there?”
“I do see that man, Daddy. I saw him when you put that gun to Mike Holt’s head and pulled the trigger. But I refuse to recognize that man as my loving and gentle father. He’s not the man who is married to the most devoted and gracious woman I know—the man who has grandchildren who need to see their grandpa come back home to the J&L, and when he does, they need him to be the only kind of man they’ve ever known as their grandfather.”
Jake sighed, rubbing at his eyes again. “Right now I hardly know that man.”
“He’s there, Daddy, down inside you, and I pray for him all the time. You keep saying you should have died many times over. You did die. The old Jake died when he met my mother. And right now she’s feeling so alone. Go in that other room, and you be with Mother. You hold her, and you show her that this time she doesn’t have to suffer alone. Brian is going to bring Katie in here to spend some time with Lloyd. When he does, you go over there and talk to Mother. Share this with her. God gave her to you so you could share the hurt. This is hard for her, too, Daddy. What you’re doing now is the same as when you yelled at her—or when you ride away every time something bad happens. You can’t keep doing that to her. Lloyd wouldn’t want you to, so go see her—for his sake. If he was able, he’d be scolding you something awful right now.”
Jake’s eyes teared. “I can’t—”
“Yes, you can! What you can’t do is keep burying your feelings, because they are too strong and too deep now. Pray with me, Daddy. Take my hands. I’ll do the praying, but you have to open your heart and believe Lloyd will live. You have such powerful emotions, Daddy. Put them into faith and prayer, and God will hear you. I pray for you all the time. Give me your hands and pray with me, Daddy.”
Jake put his head in his hands again. “No. I’m not a praying man.”
“And that’s a lie! You wear your mother’s crucifix all the time. Don’t tell me you don’t pray, Daddy. I know better! Give me your hands!” He still held his head, and Evie daringly reached out and grabbed his hands away. He jerked again, but she refused to let go. She met his eyes squarely. “Keep it up, and you’ll hurt my arms!” she told him. “Is that what you want? To be that outlaw who hurts people? Or can I just hold the hands of my father? Which is it? I’m not afraid of either one!”
For a brief moment, Evie almost gasped at the look in his eyes—a glimpse of the man her mother met thirty years ago—the man who scared Randy so badly that she shot him. He suddenly softened then, his grip gentler. He rubbed the back of her hands with his thumbs. He leaned down then to rest his head against her hands. “I should go to her.”
“Yes, you should. But first we’re going to pray, Daddy. I’m praying right now. I’m asking God to please, please let Lloyd live.” She squeezed her father’s hands. “He’s still so young, and he’s such a good and loving son and brother, a good husband and father. Please, Lord, let him live. And protect my father. Bring him back from that dark place and show him the light. Help him understand You’ve forgiven his past and that all the good things around him now are Your blessings, and he deserves those blessings, because deep inside the man, there is that little boy who just wants to be loved, that little boy who never asked for all that horror. Help him see and accept all the love we have for him.”
Jake let go of her hands and rose. “Just pray for Lloyd, baby girl. I’ll manage on my own.”
“God has been with you every step of the way, Daddy, and you don’t even know it. Do you have any idea how hard God works to wrestle down that other man inside you? He’s very difficult to deal with, but he doesn’t scare God one bit, and he doesn’t scare me either. I just realized Mom felt that way, too. She actually met that other Jake, and she stood right up to him, didn’t she?”
He managed a smile. “Your mother can be quite the opponent once she decides to put up a fight. She’s surprisingly brave and strong willed when she’s mad, especially for someone so small.”
“And big, bad Jake Harkner wouldn’t harm a hair on her head. If she came at you with a frying pan, the worst you would do is cover your head with your arms.”
“And I have no doubt she has fantasized about using that frying pan on me more than once.”
Evie took hope in the remark—a sign of the sense of humor her father possessed when his dark side retreated. She rose and faced him. “Go see her, Daddy. She needs you…the strong and sure husband you are, not that other man.”
Lloyd groaned again, but this time he called out, “Pa…” Jake hurried over to the side of the bed as Evie moved around to the other side, touching Lloyd’s cheek.
“Lloyd? Hey, big brother, are you awake?” she asked softly.
Lloyd put a hand to his head and bent one knee.
“He moved his leg!” Jake exclaimed, grasping Lloyd’s hand.
“Oh, Daddy, I told you prayer helps!”
Lloyd opened his eyes and stared blankly at both of them for a moment, then locked his gaze on Jake. “Pa?”
Jake leaned closer. “I’m here.”
Lloyd moaned. “Everything…hurts bad…real bad.”
“I know, Son. We can get more laudanum for you.”
Lloyd kept his eyes on Jake. He frowned. “You…look terrible.”
Jake grinned and pulled the blankets higher over Lloyd’s shoulders. “I should look terrible. You’ve kept me awake for almost three days straight. Your mother and Evie, too. And Brian and Katie aren’t in much better shape.”
Lloyd looked around, bending up his other knee.
“Oh, thank you, Jesus!” Evie whispered. “Daddy, he’s moving both legs!”
“What…happened?” Lloyd tried to sit up but cried out from pain.
Jake gently pressed his shoulders. “Take it easy, Lloyd. You were shot. We weren’t sure you’d even live. You’re still in a lot of danger, so you have to lie still. We can’t be positive infection won’t set in.” He leaned closer, kissing his forehead.
“Jesus, Pa…what the hell…was that for?”
“Because I love you.”
“Well, if somebody is going to…kiss me…I’d just as soon…it was Katie. Where is she? Where’s…my Katie? Is she…okay?”
“She’s fine.”
Evie wiped at tears and leaned down to give her brother a kiss on the cheek.
“That’s more like it.” He suddenly scowled. “Wait! Evie! You…that man! I…remember now.” He reached for Evie and tried to sit up again.
Jake held him down. “It’s okay, Lloyd. Evie is all right.”
“I’ll go get Katie,” Evie told him.
She started to rise, but Lloyd grasped her hand. “You really…okay?
”
Evie smiled for him. “I really am. And Katie will want to know you’re awake. Just lie still, big brother, and I’ll go get her.” Evie glanced at her father. “You stay calm, Daddy. God is with us. As soon as Katie gets in here, you go see Mother.” She started to leave.
“Wait.” Jake walked around the bed and pulled her into his arms, his embrace saying everything.
“It’s okay, Daddy.”
Jake took a deep breath, keeping her close. “You have a way of taking the gun out of my hand. I’m so sorry…for the things you’ve been through.”
Evie felt his whole body shiver as he hugged her tighter.
“Don’t you be sorry for one thing, Daddy. Not one thing. Just promise me you’ll get out of here and get some rest and be with Mother. She needs you so much.”
“I promise.” Jake kissed her hair and let go of her, wiping at tears with his shirtsleeve. “You do the same thing. Get some rest. Your husband is already mad enough at me. I don’t want him blaming me for you losing that baby.”
“I’ll be just fine.” Evie leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I’ll go get Brian and Katie.” She left, and Lloyd groaned the word “Pa” again.
“I’m right here, Lloyd.” Jake hurried back over to his side.
“I remember something. Evie…looked so scared.” He closed his eyes. “Jesus, now I remember. Evie! Pa, I tried to stop him…”
“It’s over, Son. Mike Holt is dead.”
Lloyd met his eyes. “You?”
“Me.”
“You in…trouble again?”
“Probably.”
Lloyd closed his eyes. “Shit.” He grimaced. “Pa, I can’t…keep getting you…out of trouble.”
“I’ll handle it. Your job is to just get better.”
“Everything hurts, Pa.”
Jake leaned over and fluffed his pillow as best he could. “It will get better. And I’ll be here to help Katie. So will Brian. And we’ve had the best doctor in Denver taking care of you. He took the bullet out. You have no idea how good it is to see you moving your legs and arms. We weren’t sure you’d be able to move at all. The bullet ended up pretty close to your spine.”
“Katie,” Lloyd whispered. “Tell me she’s okay, too.”
“So far.”
“The baby—”
“She’s hanging on to it.” Jake leaned closer again, grasping the brass rail at the head of the bed with one hand and taking Lloyd’s hand with the other. “I love you, Son. I’m sorry as hell that sonofabitch got to you before I did. I would have shot sooner, but Evie was in the way, and then you were in the way. When Holt fired that gun and I saw you go down…” His voice broke, and he took a deep breath. “I went down with you.”
Lloyd grasped his wrist. “I’m sorry I…got mad at you…after that thing with Clem.”
“You had every right to be mad. I am well aware that I can be a real sonofabitch sometimes. You’re a hell of a man, Lloyd. You’ll get through this, and someday you’ll be the biggest landowner in Colorado, and you’ll carry the Harkner name with a lot more respect than I ever could.”
Lloyd clung to his wrist. “I’ll never be…Jake Harkner, Pa,” Lloyd answered weakly. “There’s a damn lot of pride in that…too. You…remember that.”
The words tore at Jake’s heart. “You’re as bad as Evie when it comes to making me out to be more than I am.”
“No. Evie…sees you through special glasses that…filter out the bad. I…see all of you…but I…love you anyway.”
Jake grinned through tears. “I guess that’s one way to put it.”
Lloyd grasped at the sleeve of Jake’s shirt. “Why are you…wearing…my favorite shirt?”
“Because I haven’t left this room since you were shot, and I had to change out of that fancy suit I wore to the ball.” Jake straightened. “It had a little blood on it.”
Lloyd looked him over. “Were you…hurt?”
“I’m all right. I had a little scuffle with Holt before I took him down, and his gun went off. The bullet skimmed across my left shoulder. Not all the blood on that good shirt I was wearing was mine, though. Things get a little messy when you shoot someone point-blank.”
“Pa? Oh…God!” He grasped Jake’s arm tighter. “You are in trouble…aren’t you? I…know you. You…went crazy…didn’t you?”
“A little.”
“A little?”
“That man shot my son! My unarmed son!”
“You weren’t…supposed to have a gun…”
“I’m Jake Harkner. I always have a gun.”
Lloyd covered his eyes. “Jesus, Pa.”
Brian came into the room then with Evie and Katie.
“Lloyd!” Katie hurried to his side and sat down on the bed to lean over and kiss his lips.
“Hey, Katie-girl. I’m in…no condition for this,” he joked.
Brian turned to Jake. “I told Randy to give Katie some time with Lloyd before she comes in here,” Brian told him. “Go see your wife, Jake. She’s been staying with Katie and Evie, but I told her to go to your room and wait there. You’ve been with her in here for most of these three days, but you haven’t really been with her.”
Jake ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah.” He glanced at Lloyd again. Both his sister and his wife were fussing over him.
“Too many…women,” Lloyd teased.
Jake grinned. “Son, I assure you, you can never be surrounded by too many women.” He walked around and touched Katie’s shoulder. “Katie, don’t do anything but be here for him. You let me and the doctors do the hard work, understand? And don’t let him move around too much. He still has a long way to go.”
Katie stroked Lloyd’s hair. “He’s already falling asleep again. I can stay here by him, can’t I, Brian?”
“Sure you can.”
“Thank God he came around,” she wept. “What would I do without him?”
The words reminded Jake of things Randy had said to him too many times over the years. Randy. My God, Randy, I’ve left you out again. He picked up his six-gun and headed out, looking into the hallway first to make sure no one was out there waiting for him. He hurried into his and Randy’s room to find Randy standing there in a robe and looking anxious.
“Jake, is it true?” she asked, looking ready to pass out. “He woke up? He moved his legs?”
“It’s true.”
She searched his eyes. “And how are you? Who are you? Do I have my husband back?”
He turned and locked the door. “Not completely. I’m trying, Randy.”
“I’ve been living with an outlaw the last three days, Jake.”
He looked down at the gun in his hand, then met her gaze. “Last I remember, it’s the outlaw you fell in love with.”
She shook her head. “I fell in love with the man underneath all that. And right now I need him in the worst way. Don’t shut me out, Jake. I can’t do this by myself, and neither can you. When Jake the outlaw rode out of my life once after we first met, I just wanted to die.”
He saw the love in her eyes, thought about all she’d been through, being the wife of Jake Harkner. He set the gun aside and walked up to her, pulling her into his arms.
“Well, he’s here for now.”
Randy rested her head against his chest and wept. “I didn’t even take the medicine Brian brought over to help me sleep. I hoped you’d come here and just hold me, and I wanted to be awake for it.”
Jake kissed her hair. “I’m sorry I’ve left you out. I just…” He squeezed her tighter. “God, Randy, I thought I’d lost him! I feel like I failed him, Randy. All those years we rode together back in Oklahoma I never once failed him. When I saw him go down…” He began to stumble. “It should have been me! It should have been me!” He rambled between Spanish and English.
“Jake, I can’t
hold you up.”
They literally helped each other to a bed. Jake felt himself nearly collapsing. He pulled her onto the bed and crushed her close. “I shouldn’t have left you alone in this.” He ran a hand into her hair and kissed the top of her head. “Que Dios te acompane, mi amor. Yo te amo.”
“And I love you, Jake. It’s going to be all right now. I know it is. Tell me that when this is all over we’ll go back to that line shack, Jake, just you and me.”
“We’ll go back.” He clung to her then…and wept.
“He’ll be all right,” Randy soothed. “He’s in God’s hands.”
“¡Mi hijo! ¡Le falle!”
Randy recognized the words my son and fail. “You did not fail him, Jake. No one knew. No one knew. You did what you could.”
“¡Mi hijo, favor perdóname!”
“There is nothing to forgive. Lloyd will never blame you for this.” Randy held him tightly as his tears soaked her neck and the pillow beneath her. He needed this. The Jake who’d refused all feelings could not deny that they were there. All she could think of was the horror it must have been for him as a tortured little boy with no one to hold him. Her own tears mingled with his as they both wept until they fell into an exhausted sleep.
Twenty-two
Randy finished pinning up her hair. “Button me up,” she asked Jake.
Jake walked up behind her, wearing his own clothes now, a white shirt and denim pants. He’d just pulled on his boots after his daily ritual of shaving and scrubbing his teeth with baking soda—things he’d neglected while sitting at Lloyd’s bedside for nearly four days.
Randy watched him in the mirror. “I see some remnants of an outlaw, Jake, and I feel it in the way you are jerking at those buttons.”
He frowned. “They’re going to try to arrest me, Randy. You understand that, don’t you?”
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