I remember the day my brother finished the trail and came home. He hadn’t shaved in what looked like forever. He looked like an old mountain man who hadn’t seen civilization in years. My brother Joey is like my father, their will power is unbelievable. His stories from the trail are amazing and one day he will tell everybody.
Joey had a girlfriend that was on and off after his wife left him in Texas. He rekindled that relationship and it wasn’t long before she moved to Ohio and they got an apartment together and shortly after she was pregnant. She is an interesting person. She was deaf and that caused miscommunication between her and my brother all the time but they looked like they were in love. They had problems but who doesn’t?
My vision fades to blackness and I become consciously aware. A second later the void fades to blue-white then clears to a blue sky. My presence rises straight up and reveals what I’m experiencing. I see Sally and me sitting at the kitchen table staring down at a magazine we received for free in the mail. There was a two-page picture of a small mountain town. The town rests in the mountains between two lakes. And in the south background there was a huge rock mountain face rising high above the town. It was amazing looking and instantly my wife, Sally, said we were going. I saw it in her eyes. She was determined and I knew it. We were going.
Over the next couple months we asked multiple people but none could go except Michael and Tammy. We knew this trip was exactly what the four of us needed. For Sally and I the twins were three and had out grown their complications.
Complications. In the first two years of the twins’ lives there were complications. They couldn’t come home from the hospital for two months and when they did, they didn’t come home together. They were still very small and when they came home they required breathing monitors.
The monitors were not fun. They would go off when the twins would have issues. They were loud and ear piercing. Sometimes at night, Sally and I would be sleeping and one of the alarms would go off. We’d wake up and run to their bed. We’d have to wake them and make sure they were breathing. Sometimes we’d be tired and wake the wrong one, then we’d have two crying babies and both of us would have to get up.
Sally and I were doing pretty well. We had jobs, I was a collector and she was working at the rental office for the complex we were living in. We actually arranged two weeks of paid time off for a vacation. I was working at a new collection company for people I had worked with at the other one. They were always cool and took good care of me.
The four of us were going on this vacation. We were going to that town from the magazine. Michael and Tammy drove their car out there while Sally and I flew. They left before us and were to pick us up at an airport in California. As always in airports there were complications that were going to shorten our trip by half a day. It didn’t matter to us. We were about to take a dream vacation. People who never get to go anywhere or do anything; this was a trip that we deserved.
The last three years had been rough on us but we remained strong. There was talk about writing again and our careers were looking better. We had jobs anyway. Well, I didn’t for a while as I worked out my issues and began to learn how to control my mind. The twins were like normal babies now and sleep at night was easier. Things were slowing down and control of our lives was becoming ours.
My wife made the trip happen. She took care of everything and I could see it in her eyes when we stepped out of the airport. We had made the right decision.
The town was amazing and we had a condo on the east lake. We did as much as we could with the little experience and money we had. We rode horses up a mountain and we hiked half way up another small mountain. We didn’t get to see the oldest trees, but we did have fun.
Sally and I went on night walks, watching sunsets, sun rises, and between the two staring at the stars. In the mountains the stars were so bright and clear. On that trip I saw the sky differently than ever before.
It was on this trip that our youngest would be conceived. That’s what happens when you have a couple who hasn’t had any alone time in three years and you add a bottle of wine. There was romance, and a complete lack of discipline. That’s where and when Savannah was conceived.
I knew when Sally told me that she was pregnant that we were having a girl. She had kept the picture I had drawn her when we first met, of our stick figure family, in her purse. That picture showed our last child would be a girl and I believed it. It was going to be a girl, and we were going to name her Savannah.
Months later when we were staring at the ultra sound my dream becomes complete. We were having a girl. We had the same doctor who delivered the twins. He was also the doctor who would deliver my brother’s son months before. He was a good doctor and my wife liked him.
My wife was an old pro when it came to delivering a baby. She wasn’t scared, nervous, or emotionally unstable. She is strong, tough, and very stubborn. She wouldn’t act up just because she didn’t want anybody to be able to say that she did. That’s how she is, stubbornly strong.
My vision fades to black and I yell out. I know where I was and I wanted to be there but something happens. Something happens that is a new experience for me.
My presence soars backwards and suddenly it is like I am leaving the computer screen. I swoop back and up to a hover behind the couch. I see myself sitting at the computer. I have my shirt off and I’m typing. I am typing fast and without looking up at the screen. The screen is black but I’m typing with my head down.
This is so different. I have complete control over my presence. My thoughts change to my wife and I turn my awareness. I begin traveling towards the basement stairs.
I wake abruptly. I’m breathing fast and kind of yelling. I stare at the screen in front of me. I see the page number and I see the clock. Ten pages in an hour, I need to be faster. I need to be more aware. It’s one thirty A.M. and that means I’m late. I have to leave. I have to rest my mind. I get up and pace around the basement and sometimes I go upstairs and pace around the house. That’s right, I have a house now. I remember. I know what I’m doing now. A deep breath and an intense stare at the computer screen then I yell. I yell loud and with anger in my tone.
“Come on! Come on!”
I blacken my vision and take control of my thoughts. I want to remember. I want to experience the memories again. I travel my awareness through the images of past memories until I come to the one I desire.
I remember the morning Savannah was born. I was standing against the window and as the doctor was examining Sally. I was standing next to my mom, staring at my brave wife on that bed. The doctor broke me from my thoughts.
“Come over here.”
He told me to put gloves on so I could feel the baby’s head. The nurse helped me and the doctor positioned me and then turned to my wife saying, ok Sally push, it hit me. He was letting me deliver my daughter. I was in shock for the first few seconds and then I regrouped. It was an unbelievable experience I will never forget.
There is a pull, something pulls me from the memory and travels me through blackness. I hear the whispers and my control is no longer mine. Hundreds of memories flash all around until one takes over and forces attention.
My vision clears. I know when and where I am. I’m nineteen. We had a bad fight and then we had another, then another. I was mad at her and I wasn’t going to admit fault, even if it was mine. We were fighting over my jealousy, but time would show that I was right. A year and some months later he would be the man who she would leave me for. I don’t hate this man but I don’t like him either.
The next day was the first time that she would say that we were over, that she didn’t love me and that she didn’t want to marry me. I was devastated. The reality that we were over was challenging. So when my Dad called and said that I could tag along with him on a business trip to California I said yes. I needed to clear my head. Life was about to become very complicated.
The trip is something that I will never forget. I remember running across t
he Golden Gate Bridge. That was one of three things that I wanted to do in my life. The others were, see the Statue of Liberty, and visit the Grand Canyon.
Standing in the middle of that bridge, staring at Alcatraz was amazing. Then we drove south to L.A. I saw my cousin, a marine stationed out there. We went out and on one of the rich streets in Hollywood we took turns taking pictures of us standing by expensive cars and getting kicked out of stores because we were poor looking. Ok and we were a little ornery but we had fun.
After a couples days we said bye to my cousin. Then headed south to San Diego and the next day we went across the border to Tijuana. We walked around the streets and made deals. We bought the gum from the children who gave us little choice. We went to an American café for some food we recognized, and to buy a T-shirt.
We ate and while we did I saw my father staring at two women across a couple tables. I thought he was funny, I didn’t think he’d actually do anything but he did. I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was sitting at their table. It was an interesting experience watching my father flirt with women.
They were Americans like us and they were on vacation. They were cool and we talked to them until we decided to leave and go shopping with them. I didn’t care. My mind and thoughts were elsewhere.
Before I’m even aware of it, my father and I are at a restaurant with the two women. My Dad is dominating the conversation as most men do, but he’s doing pretty well. The dinner ends and the end of the night will have my Dad going to see an old church with one woman and me going back to the hotel alone.
This night and these women changed our entire vacation plan. We had a hotel further north because the next day we were going to a Raiders game. They were in L.A. at the time and after the game we had to drive back up to San Francisco. He told them that we were staying at the same hotel as they were. It’s kind of funny because it was a very nice hotel that was out of our budget but he did it anyways. Men are funny that way.
I didn’t care. If my Dad wanted to have fun then he could have fun. I was going to call my ex; she was all I could think about so when the other woman asked me if I wanted to go with her while she got a tattoo (she was a classy lady, not the type you’d think would be getting a tattoo). Why she did I don’t know but she was a cool woman. I told her no thanks twice but right before we separated I said yes to her third request.
Then my father had a plan, we were to do our separate things then meet back at the hotel then we would all go to a nearby bar. He said we’d dance till we couldn’t. I rolled my eyes and said ok. I wasn’t going to dance, but he looked like he was having fun and maybe I had to keep the friend busy so he could get to know the other. The woman I was going with was nice, and I’d never seen someone get a tattoo so I didn’t care.
That’s what I did. I went with her and watched her get her artwork. It’s weird. You wouldn’t think that watching a woman you’ve never met before get a small tattoo would be fun, but it was.
She was cooler than I can describe. She was a mom with a daughter a year older and a daughter younger than me. As I listened to her talk I stared at her for the first time. She was a beautiful woman. I don’t mean Hollywood beautiful. I mean normal beautiful. I listen to her story, she had gotten pregnant when she was a young teenager, both times with the same man and since then she hadn’t found anybody worth talking about.
My attraction to her was innocently growing. When I talked she listened and I mean she listened in a way that affected me. I talked to her about my dreams of wanting to be a great storyteller.
We talked until we separated at the hotel. Our room was on the twenty-fourth floor in the middle of downtown San Diego. I waited in the room until my Dad returned. He was smiling the whole time as he told me about the church they saw and how wonderful the woman was. I put my shoes on. I’m proud of myself for not calling my ex. I wanted to but I didn’t.
We ate at a table near the dance floor. There were alcoholic drinks involved and more was ordered. My Dad was talking to his woman and I was talking to the other. My mouth wasn’t ruining it. I don’t think I could of with her but the night went fast and before I knew it I was dancing. I was on the dance floor, dancing. That was the drinks in me. I can tell you there is something called a connection and when it happens there is nothing one can do. I knew that she wasn’t the one, but there was a connection. We danced until the bar closed and in my head the night was ending. I didn’t want it to end. I just didn’t. I could’ve talked with that woman for hours and I wanted to.
My father and the other woman say something about taking a walk. She and I get into the elevator together and on the way up I tell her how I like the view from the balcony. Her room is on the other side of the hotel so it’s different and she didn’t hesitate to say yes when I asked her if she wanted to see it.
The night was amazing. We went from the balcony to the bed and while we were under the covers we hear a knock at the door. It was my father saying he didn’t have his key. I yelled to him as she and I made our selves respectable.
Dad!
For some reason the stubborn man would not take the hint. I find the thought funny, because earlier right before he and I separated he told me something. He told me that if I got back to the hotel room and saw the Do Not Disturb sign on the door to follow the directions. I know the sign was up because I saw her put it on before she shut the door. I have to get up and answer. He comes in without thinking. He stops and recognizes his mistake but it’s too late.
She and I embarrassed, excuse ourselves. Before I shut the door I tell my Dad I’m going to walk her to her room. In the elevator she and I never pushed a button but for the second time in less than thirty minutes my father had stopped us from being intimate. The door opens and there is my father standing there.
“Son of a bitch,” is all he says. That’s a line he’s famous for. He turns and walks away as the door shuts.
It wasn’t his fault. He was getting ice and the icemaker on our floor was strangely enough, broken. She and I laughed then we pushed the button to her floor. Our night was over but we did extend it by twenty minutes, talking outside her door.
When I got back home, my ex had missed me and we got back together. A month later we find out she’s pregnant. I never told my girlfriend what happened when I was in California. It is not a memory I will ever regret and one I will never forget but my vision blackens and I’m pulled from the memory.
What!
I become aware. I’m sitting in my chair staring at the computer. Twelve pages in an hour and I still have time before I end.
I scan the last page I typed. I see the content. Why? Why that memory? Why now? Does it matter and who cares. I don’t! I don’t care! No!
I stand. I cannot think straight. I need to leave. I’m going to turn my computer off but my vision fades to blackness and I collapse to my knees. Within a second my vision clears.
My presence hovers above my body lying sideways on the floor below me. Then I see it. I see the black and blue outline of the being from before. It hovers toward my body on the floor and stops. The being stands on my legs and my body lies without movement.
My presence flows across the room and the being turns toward it. Solid white eyes fade through the blackness of the being’s face. They stare at me and then blackness flashes all around us. I feel the pull and my awareness rushes back into my body.
I’m lying on my back, feet away from my chair. The floor is cold and I’m slow to move but I stand. I feel no pain, or no more pain than I had already. The lights flash and I know what that means. Someone is up at the top of the stairs. I yell out to whoever it is, “Yeah!”
“Daddy?”
It’s one of my eight-year-olds. I’m trying to keep focus as I walk but my legs are weak. I start up the stairs and I see my Brandon. He looks asleep and I know what it is. He had a bad dream so I pick him up and give him a hug. I walk him to the bathroom and then I wait until he’s done. I walk him out into the living room.
His mom is asleep on one of the couches. She does that for me sometimes when I’m writing. I lay Brandon down and cover him with a blanket. I give him a kiss on the forehead and tell him I love him. He responds with his sleepy, soft voice. “I love you too daddy.”
My head hurts and when I see the dogs standing by the door I know that means I got to let them out. I don’t want to. I want to work. I don’t want to waste time. There is no time. I know this. I know that if I do not finish my thought now, I never will. I won’t and it will be never ending. It probably will be anyways. I don’t care. If that’s the way it is, then it’s that way.
I’m tired. I look at my wife on one couch then to my son on the other. They need me. I need to be strong. I need to get rest. That’s what I do. I rest.
In the morning I wake in the bathroom upstairs in our room. How I got there I do not know. I sit up and stare around but my memory doesn’t return. I stand and lean against the wall to maintain balance. My chest hurts and so do my legs, the muscles in my legs hurt.
Then I remember. I was in the living room. I was staring at my son and wife, sleeping on the couches. I remember I was tired and that I wanted to go to bed, but I don’t remember walking upstairs and falling asleep on the bathroom floor.
I open the door and walk into my room then I see her. My wife, my wife is sitting on the end of our bed crying. Her head is down and her hands are to her face. I hear her crying and she’s crying loud. I have no idea what’s happening and when I try to step forward I can’t. I can’t move and when I try to yell out to her I can’t. No words form and she shows no sign of being aware of my presence.
What is wrong? Why can’t I move? Is this a dream? What is happening? I see my wife stand and she starts toward me. She still acts like I’m not present and when she nears me I understand why. My form fades to air as she passes through me. I know what’s happening. I’m mind traveling but I don’t know where I am. I see my wife staring into the mirror fixing her face so there is no trace of tears. I hear the words she speaks to herself.
Why Page 6