by Marilyn Lee
"Alone? So I'm nobody now?" She pulled me up from the sofa. "Go see him. Stay the night if you have to. I'll stay with JR."
Jake had a small ranch on the other side of town. I knew he was home because his car was in the driveway and his house lights were on. But he didn't respond to the bell.
I wanted to go home, but deep in my heart, I knew I'd treated him badly. And I did miss him. During the past six years, he'd had dinner with us at least twice a week. He stood in for Steve at any father-son event with JR that Steve couldn't make. He sent me a dozen red roses on my birthday and sometimes for no reason at all. And he'd always provided a shoulder to cry on whenever Steve and I were fighting.
In fact, I'd once told Steve that when I needed to hear an endearment I went to Jake. Steve's idea of an endearment had been to call me "girl," in that deep voice of his that I'd loved so much. Steve had often joked that Jake called me honey so often he must think it was my name.
I rang the bell again. When he still didn't answer the door, I walked around the house and peeked in the window of his living room and nearly screamed. Jake was sprawled in a recliner with his gun in his hand, pointing it toward his body.
With a pounding heart, I ran back around to the front of the house, digging in my handbag for the key to his front door. I was shaking so hard, I couldn't get the key in the lock. "God, please! Help me!" I prayed. I stepped back from the door and took several deep breaths. When my hand was steadier, I opened the door and ran down the hall to the living room.
"Jake! Oh, God, Jake, what are you doing?!"
He didn't answer, but lifted the gun higher.
"No!" I screamed and ran across the room to his chair. "No!" I grabbed his arm and tried to wrestle the gun away.
He resisted and lifted his free hand to push me away. I stumbled back and nearly lost my balance. "Jake! Jake, what are you doing?"
When he turned to look at me, the anguished look in his eyes made me realize how badly I'd hurt him. He'd loved Steve like a brother and I'd treated him like dirt and kicked him to the curb and beat him down. Tia had been right. He needed comfort too. I hated myself.
"Jake—what are you doing?"
"Cleaning my gun."
I'd never heard him sound so miserable and defeated. I glanced wildly around. I saw none of the paraphernalia I knew was necessary for gun cleaning. "Jake…" I bit my lip and inched forward. "What are you doing?"
He pointed a finger at me. "I'm thinking of taking care of your little problem."
"What…what problem?"
He shrugged and took a deep sobbing breath that made me ache for him. "Of my being alive when Steve is dead."
My eyes filled with tears and terror filled me as I realized that I'd driven him to this point. "No! No! I didn't mean that, Jake!"
"Oh, yes you did. Don't you stand there lying to me. We both know you meant it. You want me dead. Well, damn you, if that's what it takes to get your forgiveness, I'll give you want you want!"
"No! No!" I stumbled over to the chair, grabbing his arm. "No, you selfish bastard! You put that gun down! How much grief do you think me and JR can bear? We can't lose you too! You put that gun down now!"
He pushed me away again and I scrambled to my knees, fear clutching at my heart. When I realized how close he was to shooting himself, I think that's the first time I realized how much he meant to me. How much emptier I'd feel if he were dead too. "No! No! God, Jake, no! No! Oh, God, don't!"
He stared at me, his eyes filling with tears. "Damn you, Tasha! How could you shut me out of your life? How could you think for a single moment that I wouldn't have died to protect Steve? You think I would have allowed anyone to take him from you and JR if I could have prevented it? I tried, damn it, but I couldn't reach him in time! It happened so fast. I heard the shot and when I got there…he was lying on the ground. When I picked him up and knew he was dead, part of me died too!"
He put his free hand over his face and sobs shook his body. I was used to Jake being strong. Strong for Steve, strong for me, and strong for JR. To see him sobbing like this was more than I could stand.
"Don't. Please!" I rushed to him and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry, Jake. So sorry." I reached for the gun and this time he allowed me to remove it from his hand. I put the safety on, placed it on the table out of his reach and wrapped my arms around him. "Oh, Jake. Jake, I am so sorry for hurting you."
His arms went around me and he buried his face against my breasts. "Oh God, I can't stand the pain anymore. I failed you and JR. I let Steve get killed!"
"No." I pulled away and cupped his face in my hands. "No. You didn't fail us. You've never failed us! It wasn't your fault, Jake. I know that. I’ve always known that. I was just hurting so badly…I needed someone to blame."
He stared up at me. "I feel empty. I have nothing and no one."
"That's not true." I stroked his damp cheeks. "You have me and JR. We need you, Jake."
"I would have died to protect him. If I could, I would have taken that bullet. I just couldn't get there in time," he said hoarsely.
"I know that. I always have." I stroked my fingers through his dark silky hair. It was longer than he usually wore it and he looked as if he hadn't shaved in days. I sighed. "I am just so—sorry I made this so much harder for you. Forgive me, Jake."
He stared up at me, his eyes filled with sorrow. "I'm the one who needs to be forgiven." He pulled me down onto his lap and pressed his cheek against mine. "I thought I'd die when you wouldn't let me be there for you and JR. I need to be with you both." His arms tightened around my waist. "Oh honey, I've missed you," he said wearily.
"We've missed you too, Jake." When I turned to face him, he leaned forward and devoured my lips with his mouth. At the contact, a series of electric charges sizzled through my body, making my flesh clench and throb.
It wasn't the first time he'd kissed me on the mouth. When his parents had been killed in a plane crash two years earlier, he'd been so distraught that Steve had asked me to spend the weekend with him. "He needs a woman's touch, and right now girl, you're the only woman in his life."
That first night, I'd held him in my arms, kissing his hair and rocking him. When he lifted his head, his blue eyes wide, looking like a little lost boy, I'd done what I did when JR looked like that: I leaned down and kissed him gently. He'd responded by kissing me back. We'd traded a few gentle, healing kisses that had held no trace of passion. And although I'd been vaguely aware that he was slightly aroused, he'd made no "move" on me.
So it was strange to feel the rush of desire that surged through me when he kissed me now. Maybe it was sitting on his lap while he held onto me like he'd never let me go again. Or maybe I'd missed him so much. I don't know. I just know that one moment I wanted to comfort him, and the next I'd wrapped by arms around his neck and I was eagerly returning his kiss, conscious of a mounting need to feel him inside of me.
His lips were warm and sweet against mine. He kissed me slowly, as if savoring the taste and feel of my mouth. With a gentle tenderness that took my breath away, he encouraged me to part my lips. When I did, I felt his tongue, warm and moist, searching for mine.
I leaned into him and he deepened the kiss. Within moments, I could feel him hardening under my buns. When I felt his big hands brushing against my breasts, I shivered and dragged my mouth away from his. I pressed my face against his shoulder, aware I'd already reached the point where I was ready to slam my pussy down onto his hard cock.
He lifted my face and looked down at me, asking for permission to continue. "Honey…?"
My mind screamed that I needed to stop this now, but I felt limp and needy. I wanted—I needed to be made love to. I needed to feel a cock inside my aching, empty pussy. And who better than Jake, the man who'd always been sweet and gentle and who had called me honey from day one to fill that need of mine?
"Yes," I whispered and lifted my face for his kiss.
He lifted me in his arms and carried me down the hall to his b
edroom. Once there, he undressed me slowly, kissing each part of my exposed dark body. He lingered a long time over my breasts, sucking and licking me until I was wet and my entire body was shaking with lust.
When he undressed, a fresh surge of dampness oozed from me as I stared at him. He had an absolutely beautiful body with broad shoulders, flat abs, narrows hips, and a surprisingly large cock with a thick, pink head. He slipped between my parted thighs, rubbed his dick against my pussy, against my clit, and then finally, slowly, he pushed the enormous head into my aching, hungry flesh. It had been so long and I was so horny that I moaned, shuddered, and came when he bottomed out in me.
"Oh—Oh, God! Jake—Jake! Please! Oh, more—more!"
The feel of his big dick moving inside me in slow, measured strokes was mind numbing. I lifted my head and looked down our bodies. The sight of his pale, thick cock sinking balls deep into my dark pussy was enough to send me to the brink of another orgasm. I fell back against the bed, pushing my hips up to meet his downward thrusts, loving the feel of his hot cock cleaving through my wet flesh.
"Please! Jake, please. I'm almost there again! Please!"
He suddenly cupped my bottom in his big hands, lifted my hips, and ground his down against mine. Then he thrust his hard length deep in me at the same time as his hot devouring mouth found that sensitive spot below my left ear.
I moaned and shuddered and sobbed with delight and shattered into a million pieces as my body was flooded with delicious wave after wave of blistering pleasure. He stopped to soothe me before following me over the edge into pure paradise, pumping my unprotected pussy full of cum.
Afterwards, he held me in his arms, kissing me gently, and cupping my breasts in his warm, caressing palms. I loved having my breasts held and my nipples tweaked. And I liked to be talked to after sex.
"Honey? Are you all right?"
I felt safe, loved, and happy. I rubbed my body against his and smiled when he shuddered in response. "I'm…fine."
He pressed a tender kiss against my forehead. "Did I….please you?"
"Yes. Oh, yes, Jake. Yes!"
He sighed and hugged me against him. I fell asleep feeling warm and content for the first time since Steve's death.
He woke me in the night, wanting me again. "Honey?" he rasped out.
I felt him hard and throbbing against my leg and a jolt of desire shot through me. I turned willingly into his arms and moaned when he slid into me with a slow steady movement that left me gasping with wanting him.
"Oh honey, you're so sweet." He rained soft, heated kisses on my breasts. His callused hands were everywhere, stroking my breasts, my thighs, cupping and massaging my rump, rubbing my clit.
My whole body burned everywhere he touched. I found myself wanting him as much as I'd wanted Steve. "Jake," I gasped. "Jake—oh, Jake!"
"Honey, you feel so good. You smell so good. I need this. I need you."
His whispered words of delight fueled my passion and hunger for him. I clung to him and we kept at each other until, exhausted and sexually sated, we fell asleep in a tangle of arms and legs, his slowly deflating cock still in my pussy.
In the morning, I couldn't believe what I'd done. Steve was barely cold in his grave and there I was jumping in bed with his partner. His white partner.
"Honey, about last night. I don't want you to think that I…I…" He ran a hand through his dark hair and gazed at me with a helpless look in his eyes.
I stared at him, wondering why I'd never noticed how blue his eyes were or how handsome he was. I shrugged with a nonchalance I didn't feel. Having him call me honey reminded me of the night before, when he'd groaned the word in my ear as he'd repeatedly plunged into me. And I'd happily accepted and welcomed him in my arms and deep into my body.
"Last night was something we both needed. It was…therapeutic. We don't need to apologize for it or analyze it to death. We needed it and it happened."
He sighed, leaning against the counter. "Honey…"
I put down my coffee cup and went over to him. I leaned up and kissed his cheek. "It's all right, Jake." I drew back and looked at him, amazed I could look him in the eye. That last time we'd made love, I'd responded to him like an alley cat in heat, demanding that he fuck me. And he had, driving into me in a frenzy until my whole world centered around him.
"Just promise me that you won't clean your gun like you were going to do last night."
He sighed. "There didn't seem to be much point to anything. Steve was dead and you'd tossed me out of your life."
"And now?"
He licked his lips. My stomach muscles tightened as I recalled how pleasant his lips had felt sucking my breasts. Why had I never noticed how full and sensual his bottom lip was? Come to that, how had I never noticed how sexy he was or what a big cock he was packing?
"Honey—I don't know how to say this."
I shrugged. "Just say it."
"Last night was very special for me. I've been…wanting you for a very long time."
I stared at him. "What? You've wanted…but…you were Steve's best friend! He trusted you with me!"
He flushed. "And I never stepped out of line with you. Never! I never let you see how I felt, but Steve knew."
"I don't believe you. If he'd known, he wouldn't have let you anywhere near me."
He shook his head. "He did know, but he also knew I would never act on those feelings. Not only because we were best friends, but because I'd never do anything to hurt you."
I thought of all the times he'd greeted me by locking me in a bear hug and felt betrayed. When I thought he was being friendly, he'd wanted to sleep with me. And now that Steve was dead he thought I was going to be his woman? Just for a moment, I wondered if he'd allowed Steve to be shot so he could have me, but quickly dismissed the thought. No matter how he felt about me, he'd loved Steve.
"I can't handle this, Jake. Last night is not going to happen again. If you need sex, you'd better—"
"I don't need sex. I want you. I love you."
I backed away from him. "Well, I don't love you." I remembered that gun in his hand the night before and rushed on. "I do love you, Jake. You know I do. Just not like that. But JR and I miss you and need you back in our lives. As my friend."
He ran a hand through his hair. "Just a friend, honey?"
I nodded. "We both needed last night, but I don't need or want you as a lover, Jake."
He sighed and sagged back against the counter. "Fine. I'll be your…friend. Tasha."
I nodded. "Come see JR soon."
He came the following night. When JR rushed at him and burst into tears, I felt awful for having kept them apart for so long. Jake and I avoided looking at each other and only spoke to each other when necessary. But after three weeks, it became easier to be in the same room with Jake and behave as if we'd never spent a lustful night together.
Until I started having erotic dreams about him. I'd want him in the middle of the day. And when he came to see JR, I began visualizing him naked, aroused, and wanting me. It got so bad I could barely look at him without feeling a rush of dampness between my legs.
He never again alluded to our night together. He’d stopped calling me honey.
And I missed that. After six weeks, I wanted him so badly, I didn't care what people would say about my sleeping with Steve's ex-partner who also happened to be white.
He'd said he loved me and I wasn't so sure anymore that I didn't love him like he loved me. I was certainly consumed with desire for him. But I also missed his tenderness, his thoughtfulness, his dependability. I just missed him.
One Friday night, I sent JR to spend the weekend with my parents. I chilled some wine and asked him to come over. The look in his eyes when I opened the door wearing nothing but a red teddy and matching heels, made me ache for him.
"Oh, honey," he whispered and drew me into his arms. There in the doorway, we kissed with wild abandon, uncaring of what the neighbors would say. Within moments, he was aroused and I wa
s ready for him. He lifted me in his arms and carried me upstairs.
Holding me in his arms over my bed, he hesitated. I saw a look of concern in his eyes. "Here honey? Are you sure?"
I didn't know how I was going to feel in the morning about sleeping with Jake in the same bed I'd shared with Steve. I didn't know what the future held for me and Jake. I knew my parents wouldn't be pleased. But I didn't care. I just wanted him. I'd loved Steve with all my heart and soul. But he'd been dead for nearly six months. I was alive. I had needs and wants and they all centered around Jake and Jake’s cock. I meant to spend the entire night with him buried to the hilt in my pussy, while I shuddered under him like a shameless hussy.
"Yes," I whispered.
He laid me gently on the bed and settled his big body between my trembling thighs. "Oh honey, I need to be inside your sweet, sweet pussy."
"Funny you should mention that," I murmured, reaching down to part the lips of my cunt for him. "Because I've been dreaming about that big, pussy-pleasing dick of yours. I need it inside me. Now, Jake! Now. Shove it in! Shove it in!"
Cupping my breasts in trembling hands, he kissed me and thrust into me with a maddening slowness that made my toes curl. I closed my eyes and shut the world out. Tonight there was just me and Jake in a world filled with luscious, illicit pleasure.
Later, after the first rush of passion had been satisfied, we'd talk about love and how we'd spend the rest of our lives. JR needed a father figure in his life and I needed a lover and a husband in mine.
I'm thinking Jake will be a perfect fit for both of us.
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End Carnal Confessions
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