"So then why the hell didn't you answer the phone?" he shouted, slamming his fist into the back of the sofa. "If you've been so desperate to talk to me, why give up your first chance?"
"I already told you," I shot back. "I thought you had moved on, and I thought if I picked up that phone, you'd just confirm it. I didn't know you were in a car accident. I couldn't have known, and if I did I would have been at the hospital. But I was finally feeling happy and learning how to be that way on my own. I was having a good night, and I didn't want to ruin that by hearing that you were done with me – that everything I'd been working so hard for was out of reach. But none of that even matters, Adam, because it wasn’t you on the other end."
"It matters to me, Mark" he yelled, tears forming in his eyes. "While you've been getting better and better, my life has been falling apart."
"What are you talking about, Adam? What's going on with you?" I asked in a softer tone, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He pulled away sharply.
"I got suspended last night. I don't have a job for the rest of the semester. And Aaron was my only friend and he's probably never going to speak to me again after this accident. Now it turns out I can't even count on you," he said, his voice breaking.
"Adam, what happened?" I asked. "Why did you get suspended? How did you get into an accident? Were you drinking?" That must have been the exact wrong question to ask. His face contorted into an angry display I'd never seen before, as if I'd pushed an actual button that set him off.
"You happened Mark. You are what happened to me," he said pointedly.
He's right. You ruined his life.
"Adam, you don't mean that. You're upset, I get that. But this," I said, gesturing at his arm. "None of this is my fault."
"Of course it is, Mark," he screamed. "Everything was fine last year! We were doing so well. We were going to start our family and have everything we ever wanted, but you ruined it."
Yep, right again. That was all you.
"I didn't mean to ruin anything," I said, tears welling up in my eyes. "You have to know that, Adam. When we went to L.A., I did the best that I could. I've been doing the best that I could this entire time."
"Well, it wasn't enough, was it?" he shouted. "You couldn’t just hide your grief for a few days, and we lost everything. And don't forget that you lied to me about wanting kids in the first place."
Look at him, you did this to him. I was overcome with guilt. Maybe he was right, maybe it was all my fault.
"Of course I wanted to have children with you Adam. I was just hurting. I said I didn't because I was afraid I'd mess it up again. I lost my dad, Adam," I said, openly crying. "My only family. How was I supposed to just move on?"
"Your only family? What about me, Mark? What about our baby?" he said, now crying as well, but still visibly angry.
"That's not what I meant. It was just him and me until I met you. I didn't grow up with a big family like yours. And you want to talk about losing everything? I lost you and him at the same time," I said.
"What are you talking about, Mark?" he asked, his voice dripping with disdain. "I've only been gone a few months."
"No, Adam. You might have only moved out a few months ago, but I lost you the second we came home from L.A. without a baby," I said, tears now covering my face running down onto my neck. "You never forgave me for what happened with the baby. And I get it. I do. I know how badly you wanted to have a child. But he wasn't even our baby yet. We'd only even known about him for a few weeks. But regardless of any of that, you were still supposed to be my husband. 'In sickness and in health' right? You were supposed to stay by my side and help me heal. But it was like I was reaching out to you and my hands were passing right through, because you weren't really there. You'd checked out on me.
"You feel like you were just my babysitter? It's because that's who you chose to be. Life got a little hard and it was your turn to take care of me for a change, and you bailed! You can't just say you'll be there for somebody and call it good. You have to actually show up, Adam."
"Don't you dare talk to me about bailing, Mark," he said, stepping up so close to me that I could smell the liquor on his breath again. "You completely gave up. You quit your job and I was the one who had to take over our finances and make sure we didn't go broke without your income. I had to make sure you ate, and bathed, and drive you to your appointments after you stopped driving."
"Oh poor you," I shouted through tears. "You had to be an adult and a husband. If you'd gone into those appointments with me like I begged you to, you'd know how hard I was fighting just to hold on to the tiny shred of sanity I had left because we were still trying to find medication that worked for me. You'd know that I didn't eat because even though I knew we had plenty of savings to last us years, you were so worried about money that I didn't want to add any expenses. I didn't bathe some days because I was sure that something in the water would poison me. You'd know how many days you went to work and I sat in the closet terrified that something or something would come and kill me, and considering just killing myself to end the suffering - mine and yours."
I could tell he wanted to interrupt me but I didn't let him, despite the fact that I was now crying even harder and barely able to speak. "You'd know that losing my dad broke my heart, and that you broke it a little bit more every day with the annoyed way you looked at me, and the way you only gave me compulsory goodbye kisses, and then later stopped showing me any affection at all. And you'd know that I spent the last of those hours that I went to explaining to the therapist that I wouldn't be returning because I couldn't bear to burden you with having to drive me anymore, because I'd overheard you tell someone on the phone that you wished I'd just get over it so you could have your life back."
He stepped back, shaking his head. "How was I supposed to show you any affection, or be happy about taking care of you when all I could think about was how we'd lost our baby because of you? You're right, maybe I didn't ever forgive you. But how could I? You knew how important that was to me and you fucked it up," he shouted. "So maybe I did shut down emotionally toward you, but I stayed. I stayed until you were suffocating me so badly that I couldn’t stand it anymore, because you weren't the man I fell in love with. You were just an empty, worthless shell."
There it is. Worthless. Just like you thought. Can't hide from it now.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. That last sentence echoed in my ears as if time had frozen on it. I might have just stood there forever if Grayson hadn't come down the stairs.
"I think it's time for you to go," I heard him say from over my shoulder. I still felt like I was frozen in a haze, no choice but to let him take over.
"Fuck you. Why don't you leave? This is my house," Adam said. I might have felt like I deserved what he'd been saying to me, but Grayson didn't. That brought me back to me senses.
"No, it's not. You walked out on me once," I said angrily. "Do it again. And use the door, I'd prefer for the rest of my windows to stay intact."
"Fine. I'm filing the divorce papers today," Adam said, stomping toward the door.
"Sure you'll be sober enough? Seems like you picked up your dad's old habit," I said. I immediately hated myself for being so mean, but the words were already gone.
"Go to hell, Mark," he said as he walked out, slamming the door behind him. I felt like I was already there.
"Are you okay?" Grayson asked. "I'm sorry. I really tried not to get in the middle, but he went too far."
"Thank you," was all I could manage. Grayson wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I cried for what felt like hours before I finally pulled away.
"We should get to work," I said, wiping my face, still trying to calm down.
"Hey, forget it," Grayson said softly. "I'm the owner, remember? I think I just decided we're closed today."
"I can't let you do that," I said.
"Too late," he said, tapping away at his phone. "I already told all of the other employees to take the day off, p
aid of course. I'll run and leave a sign on the door in a little while. But for now, let's get you taken care of. Come on." He led me over to the sofa to lie down. "I'm gonna go let Dolly out and get your medications and some tea. I'll be right back, okay? I'm not gonna leave you, I promise."
He must have known that my mind was already running wild. Adam had delivered the perfect crushing blow, whether he'd meant to or not. And I knew that no matter what happened after that, our relationship was over. We'd both dealt blows that could never be healed enough to allow a real love to flourish again.
Worthless. That's all you are. All you've ever been. All you'll ever be. Grayson will see that soon and he'll leave just like everyone else in your life ever has. You have nothing to offer to anyone. They'd all be better off if you were dead. Especially Adam.
I couldn't stop picturing a funeral devoid of anyone in attendance – every chair empty, with me in the coffin as the only one in the room. Then a grave stone reading, "Here lies Mark Diaz, worthless nobody."
I finally snapped out of it when Dolly started gently licking the tears off of my face. I sat up and picked her up into my lap and she laid her head on my shoulder like she was hugging me. Even she seemed to understand how terribly sad I was.
Grayson brought in a tray with tea for the both of us in addition to my medications and a small bowl of dog food left over from the night before for Dolly. I took my pills and tried to drink the tea but I couldn't calm down enough. Grayson pulled me close and I lay in his lap and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, Grayson was still sitting with my head resting on his legs. Dolly was sitting on the other side of him and they were quietly watching TV together. As I began to stir, Grayson smiled down at me, his warm, compassionate gaze almost making me forget how broken I felt. Almost.
"Hey sleepyhead," he whispered as I sat up.
"Hey," I said groggily. "What are you still doing here?"
"I told you I wasn't gonna leave you, remember? I never break a promise," he said.
"You're amazing, " I said, getting an even bigger smile out of him. "I'm serious. How lucky am I to have had a panic attack in your diner's restroom? I know we haven't known each other very long but you honestly might be the best friend I've ever had."
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulled me close to lie on his chest, and said, "same," then started flipping through the channels casually.
Strangely, even more than I felt terrible about everything that had happened with Adam, I predominately felt guilty for dragging Grayson into it and for feeling so bad while he was there with me. I hadn't realized how important he had become to me until then. Somehow, his feelings had come to be more important to me than my own.
"I love you, you know that?" Grayson whispered, pulling me back out of my thoughts. He must have felt my body tense in reaction and continued, "I mean, Not like I'm in love with you. Just...you mean a lot to me, and I'm here for you - whether you want to work it out with Adam or not."
I swallowed hard, fighting back tears. It had been so long since anyone had showed genuine care for me. It meant more to me than I could ever hope to express to him. Not only that he cared for me, but that he did it while seemingly wanting and needing nothing from me.
Unconditional love seems like such a simple thing to ask of the world. Yet it remains such an elusive luxury that it is almost overwhelming when in rare moments it reveals itself to us in its purest form – when we’ve hit our darkest depths and it reaches in and illuminates. It took everything in me not to openly start crying again as I whispered a simple reply, "same."
I felt his chest rise slightly with a small chuckle; and then we sat in silence. He didn't pull away, or even look at me. He just held onto me tightly, like he knew as well as I did that he was the only glue keeping me together. We stayed that way until he needed to go get more food for Dolly.
When he returned from his house, he brought two bags with him – one for him and one for Dolly – so that he could spend the night and make sure I made it through the night okay. I tried to assert that I'd be fine on my own. In the end, he had to calm me down several times throughout the day, as Adam’s biting words replayed in my mind and almost sent me spiraling.
So he stayed. He started the night out on the sofa, but after a particularly graphic mental obsession with killing myself left me sobbing into my pillow, he moved upstairs into the bed with me. Again, he pulled me close and held me with such innocence and compassion that it left me awestruck.
I began to cry harder not because I was sad, but because I felt so fortunate to exist in that singularly magic instant where I had become so perfectly aware of the great light that had entered my life. I had lived in darkness for so long, my heart and spirit so weary and lifeless that I felt as if they might atrophy. Yet here was this kindred soul who had found me at the exact moment I needed him most, as if whatever gods were in charge of the universe had finally smiled upon me and sent him to rescue me.
I slept the most peaceful sleep I had in over a year that night, with Grayson on one side of me, holding me to keep me grounded, and Dolly on the other, her tiny head resting on my legs. I couldn't bring myself to say it to him, but I'm fairly certain he saved my life that night. I don't know how I would have survived the storm rampaging through my mind on my own.
The next morning, we went back to work and for a few days it seemed as if everything might go back to normal. Well, the new version of normal I'd grown accustomed to, at least. But life's never quite that black and white, is it? As November wore on and the trees shed their leaves with a renewed vigor, there were many days where I couldn't bring myself to leave my house. I did my best to control my depression and OCD. I kept attending virtual therapy with Dr. Rodriguez, and she increased my medication slightly to try to help. But there were several days where I simply wasn't strong enough.
Midway through November the time came for the in-person appointments that Dr. Rodriguez had planned. Grayson drove me to the first two. For the third, on the day before Thanksgiving, I drove myself to the one that I was originally supposed to bring Adam to. I was determined not to let the entire month go by without making some kind of progress. If that progress couldn't be with Adam, then I owed it to myself to make progress with myself, for myself.
"So, things didn't exactly go as we'd hoped this month," Dr. Rodriguez said as the hour began to drawn near to its end, after we'd discussed the previous week's events.
"Definitely not," I said with a small laugh. "But I drove here today. I know that sounds like a simple task, but it feels like a big victory for me. I feel like every month I've made at least one big step toward getting my old life back. It feels good."
"I'm glad to hear that," she said with a warm smile. "But when you say your old life, does that still mean you're hoping for reconciliation with your husband?"
"Yes and no," I said. "I mean, do I think we'll ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after? Probably not. There's too much baggage there now, I think. I feel like that tie has been severed irrevocably. After that fight we had, I don't know how we could ever go back to being lovers. But I'd like to be his friend. As much negative energy as there is between us now, there was just as much, if not more, love there before. It's hard for me to imagine never speaking to him again."
"Have you tried to reach out to him?" she asked. "It's been almost a month. Perhaps enough time has passed that you've both had time to lick your wounds and come back to the table for a more civil postmortem on your relationship."
"No," I admitted. "Not because I don't want to. It's just – there's a lot of uncertainty there. He said he was going to send me divorce papers but I haven't received any. I guess I'm afraid that if I reach out, it'll be the final nail in the coffin. And I know that it's over. I truly do. I suppose there's just a tiny part of me that is still holding out hope."
"Well, you'll never know unless you ask," she said with a smile. "I know that doesn't sound like real advice, but in this situa
tion it really is down to just ripping off the bandage, so to speak."
"I know. I'll try. After the holiday?" I suggested.
"A fair plan," she conceded. "In the meantime, what about this new guy – the scruffy, handsome one that drove you the last couple of times. The two of you seem close. Could that have anything to do with why you’ve accepted the end of your relationship with Adam? Are you possibly moving on with him?"
"Grayson? No, we're just friends," I insisted. "I mean, yes, we've grown very close. He's been a wonderful friend to me, so I guess in that way he is part of why I'm okay with letting go of Adam. But we're just friends, nothing more."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," she said, cryptically glancing toward the window. "But, that's all we have time for today. I'll be out of town for the next week, so I'll see you the following Tuesday?"
I nodded, wondering how it was possible that she'd really just ended the session on such a confusing note. I began to understand what she might have meant as soon I walked outside. Grayson was sitting on the hood of my car, holding a balloon in a bright shade of green, my favorite color, and a small arrangement of flowers.
He was already a well groomed man, but on this particular day he seemed to have put in extra effort. His beard was freshly trimmed, his hair combed perfectly. He was wearing a cleanly pressed dress shirt and blazer in place of his usual flannel shirt or t-shirt. He had a nervous energy about him that I'd never seen before.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "Is that for me?"
"Well, I actually was just out for a walk and found these in a ditch and figured I'd pick them up. Then I realized I was right near here and thought I'd say hi," he said, a playful grin on his face. "Of course they're for you, you goof. I'm so proud of you for driving all the way here today." He handed me the flowers and balloon and wrapped his arms around me. Instead of just a regular embrace, however, this time he swept me off of my feet and spun me around.
How We Love Page 9