I drank thirstily and tried to disappear into a corner. I was tired and more than content to observe the mini celebrations. It had been a crazy day and it was good to watch everyone having fun. It was probably for the best that I stayed out of the way; an observer rather than a participant, plus I would be able to see Penny for the last time without making her uncomfortable—that was if she ever showed up.
Mark and Amy were dancing like horny teenagers in the centre of the room, clearly they had forgotten that other people were all around them, or maybe they didn’t care. It made me smile to see them enjoying each other, but I truly wished they could leave a little more to the imagination… or perhaps that was my jealously talking, I thought.
Angel was flirting with Shane. They made an odd couple, Angel towered over the diminutive engineer, but he seemed more than happy to be pushed around the makeshift dance floor. And Claire was flirting outrageously with one of the MSF doctors. But I couldn’t see the one person my eyes searched for; Penny was nowhere to be found.
After about an hour, I’d had enough of watching other people enjoying themselves—my heart and maybe the alcohol urging my brain to order my legs to go search for her—and decided to get some fresh air.
I got up and eased my exhausted frame out into the cool air of the dark night and walked slowly over to the edge of the camp. We’d wandered out to that spot that first day, when Penny twisted her ankle, and I’d gravitated to it ever since whenever I needed to take a minute for myself.
At one point if you turned your back to the camp all you could see was the vast, empty land in front of you. It stretched for miles, only occasionally broken up by a clump of trees, or a flat-topped rocky outcrop. Africa was an achingly beautiful country. Yet if you turned the other way, for miles and miles were the masses of marquee tents, filled to the brim with the displaced, the sick, and the frightened. It seemed to me that this little slice of Africa was so like the others; stunning beauty and abject poverty side by side, nestled together, one not able to be without the other and I wished dearly it wasn’t so.
I let my legs lead me further along the perimeter, not really questioning where I was going, only glad to finally have had a day where what lay behind me hadn’t felt so futile, and enjoying the beauty before my weary eyes. Frederick would’ve loved it out here, I thought, and regretted not spending more time with him in between my tours.
The sky was a midnight blue, with a hazy pearlescent light along the horizon. It was one of the things I always found intriguing, although it got so black that you couldn’t see your hand in front of your own eyes, these brief moments never seemed to last long. This almost romantic light that allowed you to see for miles, that was how I always thought of Africa.
There was a figure up ahead of me and I knew in an instant that it was Penny.
Her distinctive silhouette—her curves that I wanted to just lose myself in again—urged me closer. My heart thudded a call to her, and I could feel the butterflies in my belly begin to writhe and clatter.
I paused for a moment drinking her image in.
Penny hadn’t seen me yet and I could so easily turn back, not let her know I was there and she would be none the wiser, and mostly likely grateful that I’d let her be and steered clear of her like she seemed to want. But if this truly was going to be the last time I ever got to drown myself in those warm hazel eyes with magical flecks of green then I had to risk getting closer. I’d regret it otherwise.
Frederick would be disappointed if I didn’t at least try.
I supposed I owed him that… maybe I even owed it to myself.
I could honestly say that I’d never been so on edge around another person before—this was it, this would be the last time I would ever see her—not even my strict grandmother had caused this type of panic or anxiety within me when she’d reprimanded me about a poor choice that had been picked up by the paparazzi when I was foolish and headstrong at seventeen.
A friend of mine had thrown a party, and the theme had been Russia. I could beat myself silly for it now, but I was foolish enough to go dressed as Rasputin, the man who had reputedly brought down my distant relatives’ reign. Nobody had thought it funny. I suppose it wasn’t, but the costume had style. But, at least I didn’t stick to my original idea to go as Yeltsin. And since the former Russian President was still in power at the time, I had maturely decided against it, so it wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought about it… But the press had had a field day, and all my activities had been vetted carefully and with prejudice for years afterwards.
And yet, that was nothing in comparison to the way my hands shook now. Penny reduced me to a trembling wreck and I only prayed that I didn’t say something stupid, or come across like a bumbling fool in our last moments together.
It felt like my skin was on fire and as I approached her I coughed quietly, making my presence known, not wanting to startle her.
“Hey,” I said softly as I drew closer.
Penny took a moment before saying, “Hey.” There was a touch of sadness coating her greeting that had me wanting to comfort her.
I stood by her side and we both gazed out to the quiet landscape before us.
“I may be wrong, but shouldn’t you be at your own going away party?”
“I probably should, but I wanted to soak it all up before I went. You rarely get a moment to notice how stunning, how awesome this place is when you’re running around like a headless chicken all day,” she said, her focus still upon the horizon. “I’d like to see the sunrise. I remember the first sunset I saw, all those months ago when I first arrived. But I’ve never had the time to see the sun come up again, not properly anyway.”
“Would you like some company?” I asked her nervously, hoping that she wouldn’t turn me away. Not again.
“If you want,” she said without any real conviction as she found a spot on the ground to sit on. I sank down onto the patch of tufty, dry grass beside her, willing myself to not jinx or spoil the moment with my blundering mouth. But I knew I had to find the courage to at least tell her how bad I’d felt about how things had ended before they’d even really begun… and how much I would miss her and perhaps to explain and tell her who I really was.
A few minutes passed before I thought I’d gotten my nerves under control. “So, how long will you be away for?”
“I’m not sure. Angel said to play it by ear.”
“Best listen to her then, she’s always right.”
Penny murmured an agreement. I was opening my mouth to ask her another question when she got there first.
“Why did you leave?”
I drew in a long breath, held it, then let it out slowly, playing for time; trying to figure out the right words. The truth or ones veiled to protect her?
“It had nothing to do with you. That I can assure you.” I winced as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, they sounded wrong, like I hadn’t even considered her. “A family emergency,” I finally decided upon.
She instantly turned to me, worry in her eyes. “Hopefully nothing serious?”
Unable to look at her without feeling like my heart was about to burst, I glanced away. “Very.”
“What happened?” she asked softly. “Is there anything I can do to help… Sorry, that was a silly thing to say.”
“It’s okay. Thanks for asking.”
“So?” she pushed, her eyes imploring. Wanting to know more, wanting to know me.
“I can’t—”
“You can’t tell me? Thought as much,” she finished for me. She turned away from me, hurt. She had every right to be. This was no way to be with someone, hiding who and what you were from them.
“I wish I could.”
“So do I. I don’t understand what the big secret is? It’s like you work for the secret service—or what is it in the U.K.?—”
“MI6.”
“Yes, it’s like you’re some sort of spy and not an army doc. Sorry, I just don’t understand.”
“I kno
w and that is entirely my fault.” I looked to the fading stars and sought some divine help. I desperately needed it. “Maybe we should change the subject?”
“Maybe… or maybe we should stop talking altogether,” she said, words crystallised in ice.
“Penny, I didn’t mean to hurt you before or now. I’ll go, leave you be.”
“Wait, you didn’t, Rob, not really. I overreacted. I thought I could cope with the frivolity of it all… but I can’t.”
I gazed at her sad face, touched by the use of a shortening of my name. Nobody but my siblings ever called me Rob, and I had always preferred it to Robert. Well apart from Vicky who sometimes enjoyed teasing me by using Bert or Bertie as a nickname for me.
“Penny, I do care about you. More than I probably should,” I admitted, but for some reason the real truth—the secret I’d been hiding from her—still wouldn’t break free from my lips. I wanted to be honest with her. Needed to tell her who I was, and why everything would be impossible. But the words would not form, they dried up on my lips and we simply sat in silence. I edged closer to her, hoping that my physical presence would reassure her that I wasn’t just someone who only wanted her for one thing. She didn’t move away and I felt that was at least something.
“I lost my dad a few years ago, he was in the military too,” she started surprising me with this volunteered bit of information. Angel had eluded to something of the sort but hadn’t gone into details. “I think I’m only coming to terms with it, processing it and dealing with the fallout… so please know I do understand what you might be going through if I’m right in the reason why you had to leave so suddenly.”
I was pleasantly surprised when I felt her cold but incredibly soft and comforting hand slip into mine. I clasped it gently, squeezing her fingers, not daring to say a word in case she pulled away again.
“So if you need to talk, even if you have to do it in code, know that I’m here. For you. Right now, and I won’t breathe a word of what you say to me to anyone. I’ll take it to my grave.”
“My brother,” I whispered, closing my eyes. A tear slipped free, but I didn’t wipe it away.
Penny bowed her head, gathered her strength and turned to me. “I’m so sorry, Rob.”
We stared out across the vista for what seemed like forever—we didn’t need to speak anymore, it was enough to have her next to me, to have her support. She didn’t find it necessary to dig any deeper or offer up any further condolences, being there was all I needed.
“I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s not real. Hasn’t sunk in yet, you know?”
She nodded. “Give it time, and give yourself time to grieve too. Don’t do what I did and bottled it all up. How’s your family coping?”
“They’re coping,” I said. “Shell-shocked if I’m being honest.”
“And they didn’t mind you coming back out here… so soon?”
“I didn’t give them much of choice, not really. God that sounds horrible doesn’t it? Like I couldn’t get away fast enough. But it wasn’t that… something my brother and actually my sister said that made me realise my place was back here. Besides, I missed you too.”
“I missed you too,” she repeated, her head dropping to lean on my shoulder. “So you have more siblings?”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “there are a five of us. Two sisters and two brothers. Four of us now.”
“Big family,” she commented. “I always wondered what it would be like to have that many brothers and sisters. All crammed in the same house together, torturing each other of course, but nevertheless getting along.”
“Oh, believe me there’s a lot of torture. I’m the middle child and well trust me when I say it’s a difficult spot to be in sometimes.”
“I can imagine. But I think if I were ever to have kids, it would nice you know, to have so many… so they all had each other to play with and in tough times.”
“Really?” I perked up. “You want lots of kids?”
Penny nodded and smiled up at me. “Yup, well… I did. I mean I still do, but for now I think helping the children out here has topped my broodiness.”
“You would make a great mum,” I said, resisting the temptation to kiss her.
“One day perhaps. How about you?” she asked, hesitantly. “You want kids?”
“Despite my own hectic family, I want as many babies as the woman I fall in love with wants… and hopefully that’s a lot.”
Penny huddled closer to me and went quiet. I could feel her shivering a little as that purely dark moment came and the night was inky black. I put my arm around her, trying to offer up my body warmth as some kind of parting gift to her. She nuzzled into my body, and I could feel her breath on my neck. I waited, almost unable to breathe, trying not to anticipate anything, but to enjoy holding her close to me. She pulled away, and for a moment I felt bereft, but then I felt her looking over at me.
All of a sudden she moved, coming closer, and with a careful touch upon her waist I helped her get to her intended destination. She ended up straddled upon my legs and she sank down into my lap.
“I thought you wanted to see the sunrise?” I asked softly as I caressed her face, puzzled and surprised by her actions but loving them all the same.
My hands gripped her waist lightly, tentatively. Ready to let go if she changed her mind. Instead she remained there, allowing her weight to settle on me. I gripped her tightly now, anchoring my hands above her hips, and she took my face in her hands. I hardly dared to move but having her nestled upon my lap was making it awfully difficult to hold back and not give into the moment and rip her clothes off.
“I’d rather look into your eyes,” she said breathlessly.
Fuck holding back, I thought.
I cupped a hand around her neck and kissed her so deeply that I thought we’d both be in danger of falling into a dream-like state. I was completely lost, and though I knew I should probably stop it from going any further, should say something to prevent it, I knew in my deepest of hearts that I didn’t have the strength to pull away, and kissed her again, without mercy.
Eleven
Penny
I could hardly believe what I was doing. Taking that leap, taking what I wanted even though I knew this would be the last time I would probably see him. But he was there, and I was there… and it felt right.
Some devil seemed to have taken hold of me, and I could not resist it. I took his handsome face in my palms, feeling the strong planes of his jaw, the soft stubble on his cheeks. He, like me, had been up since the early hours of the morning. We were both exhausted, and yet he’d chosen to spend his time here with me in the darkness. I knew I could not have him, could not keep him. But I could take him then and there, would let him have me too, and snatch at a memory to cherish.
“We shouldn’t, not if you don’t—” he whispered under his breath, as if he weren’t even talking to me and was instead fighting a war within himself.
“Shut up,” I growled.
This was no time to talk.
I’d done enough talking and thinking for a hundred lifetimes, and where had it gotten me? I bent my lips to his and kissed him again. The kiss wasn’t sweet or tender. I was not in the mood for that and by his response neither was he. I kissed him just as hard as he kissed me, stealing his breath, bruising his lips, pulling his head towards me fiercely.
My fingers tangled into his hair, and I ground my pelvis down against his.
I wasn’t sure that I could wait for him to undress me, or me to undress him. The need to be with him, to have him inside me was so overwhelming. I was dripping wet with desire for him, had been ever since our fingers had touched, and I could feel an ache inside of me that had to be slaked.
He groaned with pleasure as I pulled at his belt, and then the top of his combat pants. The button fly ripped apart easily as his engorged cock burst free of its confines. I grasped at it hungrily as he quickly gathered and lifted up my floral skirt around my waist. His hands felt luscious upon my s
kin, his short nails raking up my thighs and reaching around, taking huge handfuls of my ass.
“You feel too good,” he said with a soft moan—gone were his concerns—a finger sliding under my panties, teasing my wet lips. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, “but I’m going to fucking take you.”
He pulled aside my panties with force; a small rip sounded between my legs and I gasped. Without another word, he took control of his cock and guided himself inside me, roughly, with an animalistic need.
I felt his length right up inside me, and raised my hips slowly and heard us both inhale in unison. I felt him pulsing and growing inside of me, and with his hands tethered upon my hips we started to let a natural rhythm—as natural as breathing—take a hold. I threw my head back and rode him hard, with him thrusting in tandem, and revelled in every moment that he was within me.
I ran my fingers across his face, unable to see him properly in the darkness, but able to feel his muscles twitch and move. His mouth was open, hot air rushing out, and I let my fingers slide inside. He suckled hungrily. I longed for him to do the same to my nipples and so did he, it seemed, as he ripped off my top, revealing my bra and breasts. Robert made short work of revealing them to the early morning air; fingers sneaking up and under the material, wrenching the bra up towards my collar bone. I grabbed at his head, and he buried his face between them, his lips dancing softly upon my delicate skin, sending shivers shooting down my spine.
His hands squeezed tightly at them and with them positioned just so, he began to tease at my nipples with his teeth as I manoeuvred up and down upon his shaft. Just a gentle grazing, but then he bit down hard. His hot wet tongue, just the tip, circled the aching bud.
“Yes, like that. Don’t stop,” I gasped, pleading that our moment would never end.
In response, he sucked a nipple into his mouth and suckled upon it with a fierce passion that echoed my own.
“Yes, Rob. Just like that… Oh God, more…”
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